Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

Have the day off today. weather's nice. Maybe I'll get my butt in gear and go out.

I am very sad. I miss my best friend. Just trying to get through the week.

Had a good day yesterday, but not so much today. I had yesterday off work, and today when I got in, I realized how much further behind I am. That really stressed me out. Tomorrow I will only be in the office for about an hour, and then I have meetings the rest of the day. I hate being so far behind at work. Also had a difficult session with t this morning. I really wish my schedule would allow me to see t in the afternoon, after work. Some times it is so hard to go to work and concentrate after a session.

Feeling weird - between sad and empty , i havent really sleep last night the meds that i took i am allergic to it, i need to finish my work but idk i feel like i want to drink but its just 8 am here .. dont know what is on my mind

Another craaaaazy day in my world. Urgent care doc says nothing physically wrong...other than whatever brain chemical imbalance is turning me into an aching, shaking shell of my former self. No blood tests, no neuro tests...just: get some Prozac and see a psychiatrist ASAP. Okay. I made an appt with a new T for Fri, urologist on Thurs, but holding off on Prozac popping...cuz I remember SU impulses from that particular wonder drug. Gonna wait to get T's advice on what AD we're gonna try next! (or, if he actually listens to me, what diet and lifestyle changes I'm gonna make...) They tell you, "Life is hard," but they should tell you, "Sometimes life is so hard it's RIDICULOUS!"

Oh, and someone broke into our living room and stole my purse, laptop, house key, and husband's backpack. For realz yo

Feelings lots of guilt for my kids about my decision to divorce 4 years ago- just don't see how it will ever benefit them

Stayed in bed most of the day, reading a book. Didn't feel up to driving, if not going anywhere what is the point of getting out of bed? Ok right-I had to get up to feed the cat! I guess that is the point.

I've had a cold/cough for over 2 weeks now and it's really starting to get to me. I can't sleep well because of the cough, and my throat is killing me! I'm taking a day off tomorrow and going to the doctor (again). Hopefully relief will come soon.

Today I feel very bad. This is these days when I hate myself. Though I saw my friends, i only could compare myself to them and it's awful because they are wonderful people, but too much better than I! So I was soon hoping that I could leave. And then I'm always wondering why I feel so lonely! It's me who makes me sick...
I must go to work. I already ruined my make-up, have to do something for my face.. Have a nice day, guys!! Hugs!

I still can't believe my boyfriend.. or shall I say ex boyfriend just decided to stop speaking to me so suddenly. I feel so lonely and unwanted. I just wish I knew what I had did wrong..

Feeling listless and a bit sad. I'll try to do a bit of exercise - it might help.

So stressed out right now, just found out that the girl helping me make my first wedding cake. Doesn't have time to do the practice cake!!! OMG...I can't just wing this. I know she has done this before but for heavens sake. This is plain stupid. I am not confortable doing this without a practice cake. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

I'm all screwed up and depressed and guilty and lethargic, after a good run of doing and feeling pretty good.

Depressed and anxious today. Was having strong urges to injure during group due to such high anxiety

I'm not even trying very hard anymore. Need to kick myself.

Been a good day

My self-esteem and confidence are back to zero.

Just started my 4th book in 5 days. It is like an obsession, just read---not sure if I can't cope w/ reality or just don't want to? T and I couldn't figure it out today.

Reading is good though. It's in some ways quite therapeutic. I love reading, too. Enjoy it!

I'm having an urge to do everything and nothing at once. It's driving me up the wall. If I go read a book, I can't concentrate after three pages. If I watch a movie, something else will pop into my mind that I need to watch instead. I want to write something but there's about a gazillion ideas in my head that are criss crossing each other and none is consistent enough to be followed through. I want to scream it out. Craaazy.

Saw urologist today. He was actually very kind and understanding and got his Magic Nurse to do her thing and get me a CT scan today! Waiting for my results...
I was feeling pretty good today...until my husband got sick of me, drove us home violently...blowing up at me for yelling "stop" because he was about to run thru a red light... Feeling like a real loser now...and once again, too f'ed up to love
C'est la vie

you're not a loser for wanting to drive safely. at all.

Still grappling with my guilt. Vented to my sister, don't know why, because she doesn't get what I am going through...when will it end..? sigh...

Normally this is true, but it is obsessive right now. I don't want to stop to eat, take showers, sleep or do anything else. I really need to go to bed, I never went to bed last night and now it's midnight again, I can barly keep my eyes awake but I fear dreams soo much-I'd rather just read and drop off now and then. I know why, my T and I have been dealing with some tough things and I just don't want to "think" about them at all. If I keep my mind full and on other things then I will not have to deal with that.

I feel like I'm screwing my family around and I'm not happy with them anymore.

Now my code is "Live to survive".