Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

so confused...don't know how to fix my life...don't know how or where to start

Good one, parcel from Japan arrived today, cooked rice for lunch and eat together with my sisters.

Bad one, stomach cramps not going away since yesterday so no Free Comic Book Day for me.

I'm sort of okay, which is not bad. I kind of dread telling my primary care doctor that I am just not going to be taking any Seroquel. He and the pdoc have really given me the "hard-sell" on this supposed wonder-drug. (Not that I'm not real glad for those who have been helped by it.) This is starting to feel like the first time I went to buy a car all by myself, and found myself shaking with intimidation inside the sales manager's office. Then I wised up and said to myself that I don't have to take that from anyone, and I politely said "Good bye" and LEFT.

Going to a doctor's office shouldn't feel like going into a used car sales manager's office. Something is wrong with this picture. I don't believe it's all me that is the difficult one like they are telling me. !!!

I have gone back to compartmentalizing these past few days, just to get away from my brain even for a few hours. I am just so very tired of rehashing things over and over again. Am stuffing my face with choco-nutty bars...and zombieing out on TV...I feel numb...

I feel sick... and so lonely again.
Last night was pretty awful for many reasons. I think I lost my trust in an old friend of mine. Maybe I can no longer be a good friend to anyone. I don't know who to call.
This is a horribel feeling.

At least the day seems beautiful outside. I try to go and breathe a bit spring.

still existing

I came back from my Sig. Other's place yesterday to my place. I woke up here and I feel scared, like it's not okay for me to be alone.

I'm feeling ok right now. I will be going out to lunch with a friend in a bit so having that to do helps my mood. Also, I have basically made it through my therapy break...thank goodness. Take care everyone!

ugghh....bored. Another wasted weekend.

Not good today. Had a panic attack right when I woke up from the dreams. Which our making my insomnia act up so I'm just exhausted. Things just seem really crazy and out of control. So far not doing good at all but its only the afternoon so maybe things will let up a little bit today. Either that or it will just keep going on how it is..

Since taking Ritalin and Neurontin, I'm not scared. So glad.

I actually have been feeling quite good past few days ((((hugs)))) to everyone

This! This is exactly how I feel. I'm so scared of being alone lately and it's not ok. When I'm with people I feel eh, when I'm with this girl I've been seeing (which I think is on the verge of ending btw ) I feel great, and when I'm alone I just feel absolutely terrible. I'm not sure why. It's not like I expect to never be by myself. I know it's normal, so what's the problem? Ugh.

burdsinflite - I know how awful it is.

For me, it's fear of perpetual loneliness.

For you, I think it is very significant that you mention that a relationship, that I think you would like to keep going, may be ending.

My significant other is in failing health and I envision losing him in the not too distant future. My family of origin really doesn't bother much with me. (I moved thousands of miles away from them, so I kind of understand.) I have no children. I feel like if I were to get sick, or in some other kind of bad jam, I would have no backup . . . no network of support. I would be alone and dependent on strangers. I can see me ending up in my "Golden Years" as a person who is not really cared about by anyone in particular.

Like you, I can get to feeling okay, if I am in company of others and sharing some human warmth.

Human Beings evolved to live in family tribes, spending their whole lives always close to a clan of relatives with whom they were intricately involved. We modern humans scatter ourselves around and lose those ties. We move. Our relatives and friends move. Everyone focuses mainly on their immediate nuclear family, and the sense of extended family can get completely obliterated for some people. I have 3 siblings. None of us hardly ever talk to each other.

Hi Rose, I can relate. I don't like being lonesome either but I know I can do something about that. It's harder for you as you have been battling health problems on top of depression. like you, I also worry about who will take care of me if I were to get sick. I have sibs too but I can't see them taking care of me either... If it is any consolation, there are many others out there that feel like we do..ironically, we are not alone.

Today was a good day. Got to connect with a lot of good people. Didn't accomplish much though. Will finally get to see my T tomorrow and I am so relieved. This has felt like the longest two weeks ever since I haven't been in school and haven't had a reason to get up in the morning. Every day just blends into each other and I feel like I have no purpose and I wonder what the future will hold for me.

I wonder about who will take care of me in my golden years too. I am in my 30s and I can't even get myself together to take care of my parents. I guess my sister could take care of me later in life, but I don't want to be a burden to her or anyone.

But I know, here, I am not alone!

Yes, I know, not having anyone close around to take care of you when you become sick is tricky. I am also aware of that and, as an avoidant personality with no partner, child(ren) and also no siblings, it's a bit tricky to change that. I'm trying to do my best to have a kind of friends' / social network, which I have managed to establish (my avoidance is more of intimate relationships these days) and I had some of them help me out (eg. with shopping etc) when I had surgery early last year and couldn't do much, which I appreciated more than I can say.

Are there any opportunities for you, TerryL and Rose, to enlarge your social circle even if it is initially difficult? Coffee meet-ups or a book club or something where the atmosphere is relaxed and welcoming?

I wish you both well!

Still here. Doing a little better today but not great. Hoping things only get better from here but only time will tell.

I am feeling better today. With a shorter shift, I had more relaxation time and the ability to make some calls, tidy up a little.

I know I need to make the effort to earn the caring of others. Social avoidance has plagued me since toddlerhood. I need to offer of myself to others, maybe in some volunteer capacity and join some group that has an interest I share. It's just lazy not to do that.

I have been greatly helped lately by Ritalin and Neurontin, the combination greatly calming me down and making me less fearful.

hate self so fricken much today!!!!

woke up feeling really angry looking for a fight. Took it all out on my poor mum because she messaged me to see if I was okay, because she's been worried. Oh did she get it, and for absolutely nothing at that. If anything she's going to be even more worried now, then she was. After I calmed down all I did was feel super guilty about it until my counseling appointment.
I was really nervous and anxious for that today. I wanted to go so I could talk, but lately my counselor just hasn't been actually listening. I'll tell her what is going on how its making me feel and then she twists it and makes everyone around me seem like a horrible person. Today she even told me that if I keep venting to my mom that my mom will get to stressed and not speak to me anymore. Who says that? And why would you say that to someone who just told you their petrified that's everyone is going to or already has abandon me. I feel like my counselor is acting like more of a mother towards me because she has a daughter my age. I ended up leaving there feeling even worse then when I went..
On the bright side though, on my way back to my apartment I ran into some really great friends that I haven't seen in awhile. They could tell that my partner an I weren't actually good like we said and insist that we come over tonight because they miss and love us. It was really great to see them, and I forgot just how much I love them. I'm just hoping that I don't forget that again when its time to go over. I hope my anxiety won't be so overwhelming that I can't go.

Over all I just feel.... So numb it hurts..
Hopefully seeing my friends will help distract me from me for awhile. *fingers crossed*

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People think I'm a boring and uninteresting person both online and offline because I don't speak that much, I'll never define my 'cool' self. I'm pathetically not socially inclined.

Cried again while doing chores because this is the only one that accompanies me.

You are not pathetic konrei. Who you are is just fine.

Don't feel pathetic. You are not! I don't go in the chat because I seem out of place. Just hang in post world like me. You will find your place. It will come,