Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

I'm feeling guilty that I had to call in sick for work today because I did something stupid yesterday while in crisis.

had a up or two, but mostly all was down today... ....really down.

I still feel sick, Don't know if it's the flu that i'm getting.

Found out my alcoholic dad has been lying about being sober for 4 years. I'm sad- mostly for my mother. Now, not only does my dad have a secret....but I have to choose. To keep the secret, or betray his trust. I wish I didn't know the truth.

depressed, and its like the hurt that was going into anger and kept going back and forth has now just turned into deep dislike and negativity....

still so hopelessly sad...heart hurts and i don't know why

Not to bad today then I realized we are going to be starting a new year. I need to think positive!

I feel confused about everything! I don't know how to feel and think straight. And what I do feel inside, I don't know if it's real. Everything seems so unreal to me. It's like I don't know where I am. Or like some kind of dream. Where I'll just wake up and it'll all be over...

Well for ups i dont' feel so bad in withdrawl wise- O.O Omg!! AnotherDayDown, I that a raccoon in your avie!??! *.* sooooooo cuttteeeee!!!!

^,^;; and for downs.. well.. it's been the same as it has... nothing new in that area of things...

I'm feeling such a euphoric feeling from drinking! Everything is funny to me lol

<.< really? It works like that? *thinks: "daaaannnggg, i need to try that..."*

I'm numb a lot today, and cried but held it in quite a few times.. and exhausted both mentally and physically..

-Meh

That is about how I am. Kinda blah, Kinda indifferent, surrounded by people who love me but I can't quite feel it.

Woke up with a bunch of negative self-talk. Not good at all. Been fighting it most of this morning. My husband is trying to be supportive, but I snapped at him. "You are not making me miserable, *I* am making me miserable!" I bet that made him feel absolutely helpless, but it's true.

Same thoughts in my head: you're not good enough, you don't deserve anything nice, why are you having fun when there's work to be done, you're useless unless you do something productive, you're useless unless you make me feel better, etc. on and on and on.

The thing is, I *know* where these thoughts are coming from...they are old "tapes" from childhood...and I should counter them with positive thoughts...be the adult that stands up for the child...

I thought when Mom and Dad died I would be more able to shut them off in my head. I didn't have to relive that family drama anymore. But no, they're still there criticizing me. I wish they'd go away for good!!

Just about to turn in for the night - well it's 3 a.m. lol so about time!
Had a shocker of a day, love the peace the night brings. Just so busy, lots of crappy things to be done and not enough time or energy to do them.
Interesting what you say, fharaige, the "old" tapes from childhood. "why are you having fun when there's work to be done" etc etc so true. That's how it was for me today, I took it out on my teen daughter, luckily she's more forgiving than I am. Oh well, big day tomorrow too but I'll be half asleep. Pretty annoyed with my whole stupid family, they don't ring me, sent no xmas gifts for us, honestly why do I bother with them at all. Thanks for reading. I'll be better soon, just having a down patch.

Hmmm......forgot to turn off the alarm for my morning off (recoverable). Need to go in to work to put in my timesheet so I can get paid (recoverable). Realized that the curtain rod I put up yesterday is about 2 inches too high (messy, but recoverable).

Still drinking coffee, so the morning is ok.

Crap, was feeling ok until I emailed my ex friend, I was called deluded by her.Very nice.

down.... way way down.. and no ups..

Well today I was good for once, which was a relief... Tomorrow I get to go back to school. Lucky me, right? I am dreading it. I want to sleep and maybe never wake up, because I might be ok right now, but I know in a day or two it will all fall apart again.

Okay, the first day back at work after I'd been off sick with stress, anxiety etc and then on Christmas holiday has been slow and I didn't have much energy and I did cry at one point.
ON a positive note, I had a much more constructive conversation with my line manager than I had had in ages and think we can now move forward.
Things at work might now really become better. Motivation and energy levels might rise again, too, as a result. I'm hopeful. Just very tired, but I can accept that.

Just not doing well, I am not motivated to do ANYTHING! I am that depressed. I don't even want to go to work tomorrow.

Struggling to do basic tasks ~ dining, showering, brushing teeth, taking meds, etc. I'm pushing myself hard, but I'm so tempted to stop completely.

Having thigh pain - but will thank G for it because at least I have a leg!

'doing OK til I saw "my" new psychdoc this a.m. He insists on charging a copay, won't hand one a bill (I try to keep good records), just types and listens to me talk. 'the entire experience was a downer. He also forgot to tell me where to refill last weei's first Rx which would have saved me $53.00 from last week! He nonchalantly mentioned it, like with no apology, but was adamant about getting "his" co-pay out of me.

All in all felt pushed around; didn't like him and will go back to my old primary doc to get new referral to a university hospital Dr., in a larger dept. They usually are more state of the art with their billing systems.

What a jerk around, especially when one is trying to get stable. Also, he's placing demands on how many days I have to exercise per week, or he won't prescribe. Too many contraints; we need legalized vending machines for anti-depressants. Enter your Rx once; unlimited refills thereafter; the docs do nothing. Arrrrghhh. 'took a good 2 hours to unwind from that...time for a vacation.,..no phones, no appointments...no people...he was the depressant!!!

It's not a particularly good feeling if someone you've arranged a dinner date with cancels at the last minute. I'm trying to believe his excuse...
I think I'm taking myself out now (I've been really looking forward to a meal out) and then curl up with a book to read.

Same old, same old. Too many years in a row. Much as I've tried to offer ways to streamline certain processes at work, it still falls on deaf ears. Well, maybe not deaf - just no brain between his ears! Or maybe I need to call in sick and let him see what I deal with because he isn't taking action?

I'm not down - just frustrated. Back to polishing up my resume because I just don't think I can take another year of this.

All I can say that is good is the fact that my home is a sanctuary away from corporate madness.