[ConfusedOne]

I try not to post cause I can't keep the suicidal thoughts out of my head. I take meds every 8 hours and am tempted to take the whole bottle with every pill. I have been on so many different antidepressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic and sleeping aides with a large assortment of all these drugs here. I get put on a drugs in 2 weeks I can't breath right so they give me another drug. I don't believe I will ever be well again or if I ever was. All I know is I am tired of fighting my head.
I am now applying for Social Security Disability maybe this will keep me busy for a little while. Give me a little hope that I will not lose my home cause I can't work in this state of mind. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 18 months and feel the same in and out of the hospital. All I want to do is die. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of saying I feel ok when I don't. I'm tired of existing. My whole world has gone mad and me with it. I'm tired of trying to figure out why my father did what he did to me. I'm tired of trying to figure out how I save my home, eat my next meal, pay my next bill on unemployment and in nine weeks that is gone. I'm tired of trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm tried of getting up in the morning going to bed at night and nothing in the middle.
My therapist keep saying death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it has been a constant battle for the last 2 1/2 years. My last visit she told me she can't help me I need intense care that she can't give me and wants me in the hospital yet another time. I can't afford that. I would love to wake up just one morning and be glad to be alive; but that is just not in me now nor do I see in the future. I can't afford to get help and I can't afford not to get help. I am the walking dead.
ConfusedOne11

[DaveyJones]

Hey, thanks for posting. Don't hold your feeling in...that's what we're here for .

It's frustrating when you see your life go off the rails like this...I have seen mine shrivel up to next to nothing over the past few years. My problem, like yours, seems "permanent". And yet, at this point, while I'm at what would look like a really low point to most, down inside I feel that I've finally turned a corner.

So tell us more about yourself...I saw on your profile we have some common interests, music and computers, that is. I built audio workstations for a while...and I play bass and guitar. I'm going to learn piano one day.

Be safe, I'm looking forward to getting to know you!

DJ

Welcome to PC. i'm glad that you posted here. i agree with DJ and all that he said.

let's try to find some common ground and work together on this. i play piano and DO NOT SING. i'm an animal lover and live with 7 of them. i am bipolarbearianII (my lows are worse than my highs) and am on meds for that. i understand the frustration about the meds.

xoxoxo pat

[JustBen]

Thanks for posting. You really seem frustrated and I don't blame you. That "constant battle" can really wear a person down. Battle on, though. Life is worth fighting for. I know it's hard to believe, but things won't stay this way forever. Hang in there, and good luck with Social Security.

[jmo531]

Hi and welcomet o PC.

I think you have taken a HUGE step here by posting and speaking from your heart. I think you ought to be pretty proud of yourself for that, it takes courage and strenght to do so.

I understand whole heartedly how you are feeling. Just over a year ago I had lost all hope I had ever had. I couldnt muster up not one ounce of strength to continue. I made my husband take me to the hospital to admit myself because I could NOT GO ON any longer in the state of mind I was in.

The Doctor that treated me actually took her time to speak to me, really understand me. I had never spoken to anyone who truely understood me and what my mind was telling me. Everyone around me just expected me to snap out of it because I was supposed to be "strong". Although I was not admitted that day, they made me an appointment with mental health services for intense counselling and medication.

I was fortunite enough to be paired up with a counsellor who specialized in Depression and anxiety. She helped me tremendously.

I think that perhaps your current T is not the correct one for you. This happens. I think you need to search for a T who specializes in depression and past abuse. This can make such a difference.

You can contact your local social service mental health department and they can help you. That is where I sought services and despite that it was through the county, I received very good treatment and I beleive you can too.

The very fact that you posted here today shows me that you want something better. Unfortunatly, with depression there is no quick fix, no happy pill, just a slow process of healing which I beleive you can achieve.

Please hang in there. Keep posting. Get it out, all of it. Whatever it is, post about it. That is very important. Keeping all those thoughts, feelings and memories locked away is only going to make it worse. Eventually, it will get better, I promise. Hang on. We will keep you safe and we will help you as much as we can.

Take good care of yourself and please, keep posting.


Huggles,


Jen

[Lexicon78]

I hate this constant battle, too. Have you considered partial hospitalization? Just a thought. What it is is you go to therapy with other people for a day and get to go home every night. I'm gone for like 6 hours a day. Maybe this would be an option for you.

[ConfusedOne]

I went to see my therapist today. We talked about a lot of things. My new homework is to make a running tally of every time I mentally beat myself up during the day. She says I run myself down all the time and my negative thoughts will not let me hear anything good about me. I have to first recognize that I do this, then I can start to alter it. Right now I am trying to be conscious of what I say to myself. The next step is to come up with one good thing I like about me every time say something negative. I also have to forgive me for being abused as a child and keep telling myself it was not my fault. Maybe if I keep saying it I will someday believe it.
I still don't care if I live or die but right now I am not going to do anything to hurt myself now. I just get so down I can't see which way is up. I don't know if any of this will work, but I keep trying what she suggest.
ConfusedOne11

[Estee1]

I really feel for you. I'm so sorry that things are so bad. You are a very special person, no matter what your thoughts might tell you. Keep hanging in there. I believe in you. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Keep trying sweetie! Keep trying! We are here for you! You are not alone in this battle.

[hillbunnyb]

Dear CO, oh yeh, I remember going through becoming aware of my inner talk. . . then changing the negative put downstuff to more positive affirmations. Great place to start healing, awareness. You are entering what is called cognitive therapy.
Awareness therapy. A thing is changed by being seen. Choices open where none had existed before....... it's exciting to get to know yourself from this "just notice" perspective. To learn to take the judgments off and just look at the peices that turn up like a puzzle. The mystery that is you waiting to be discovered. How it all has fitted together. How it can fit together once you can see the pieces.

The other concept I would like to toss your way is: have you ever forgiven yourself for choosing such a hard life? Reincarnationally speaking? Like up there on the other side we decide some of what we are to work on in this next life. Then we get down here and forget that agreement and stumble around with free will. Folks cop out on the agreement and continue harmful patterns established long before memory kicks in in this life. Becoming aware of our
patterns is the key to untangling the mess we find ourselves in....... forgiving ourselves for finding ourselves in a mess is a nice first gift to give oneself when opening to the vulnerability of truth. "Life is a great adventure, or nothing", Helen Keller. Happy travels, and Welcome to PC. Hope I didn't go to California woowoo on ya.

[blackdragon]

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) Im sorry u feel this way. If u ever need to talk u can pm me. im here for ya

[VAQUERALOCA]

Has ANYONE gotten over this feeling? The feeling of just being so tired that you cant move........ every step is the biggest struggle yoou can imagine? Just getting up and eating is like a major undertaking? Any and all suggestions, e mail and anything or anyones who have any idea of anything i can do to aquire alittle more energy to jsut do the basic things in life?

[DaveyJones]

Yes, you'll get over it eventually...it's just a DRAG waiting.

The only way I know is to stay busy, preferably with others around so you can't stop...doing things to help others works best for me. Yeah, I know...if you could do stuff we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?

DJ

[VAQUERALOCA]

tHANKS daVEY........... i cant see struggling and struggling for much longer.............. But then what else is there? I wonder why I cant just DECIDE to do something to either make a change or get on with doing something, anything that would at least do SOMEONE some good..........In an entire day I'm LUCKY if I jsut get by getting the most basic things done and people congratulate me for THAT? How much more of a useless piece of nothing can I possibly feel like? trust me, i dont think i could feel more useless even to my own self.........

[ConfusedOne]

I'm on new meds again. They get changed every month if it does not work. The shaking has finally stopped. This is week 4 on this latest cocktail. I don't care if I live or die the change is it won't be by my own hand. I just feel so all alone. I get homework with each visit to the therapist on Tuesdays. I continue to journal. I hate me and my life, but I am alive.
ConfusedOne