so does anyone really want to die?

Thank you. Your post brought me some measure of peace. Just, thank you.

I wouldn't say I've wanted to die so much as I've been overcome, from time to time, by a sudden and urgent compulsion to end my life. Fortunately, good ol' logic always won out by insisting that I didn't actually want to die, I wanted - nay, *needed* - cessation of pain. Suicide would've been the quickest, easiest way to accomplish that goal, but the irreversibility of that decision weighed heavily on me. What if...they invent a medication/treatment that could cure me? What if...a miraculous event occurs, I met an inspirational person, I have an epiphany tomorrow, and my perspective shifts, I discover a renewed purpose for living? What if...ending my life has unforseen consequences that I would surely regret (if I could)? What if, what if, what if. Too many questions, too many possibilities, and no do-overs. If I quit this life, I'll never find out how the next chapter unfolds and I'm too curious to not turn the page. Those of you who are considering authoring an untimely end: Aren't you the least bit curious about how your story would end if it was permitted to end on its own terms?

Suicide can be part of depression. I know for myself I am very depressed. I try to look out for all those positive signs.... Sun shining, children laughing, flower blossoming... I try to look forward and be curious about the future. But reality is that sometimes (and great fully at the moment it isn't such a time) the pain is unbearable. I have chronic physical pain, which, at the moment, gets regulated by medication. but when this medication doesn't work I am constantly in physical pain. Constantly being 24/7. No sleep because of pain (there are naps because eventually I am too exhausted), no movement without pain... No so called cure neither. Those are the times I don't want to live anymore. Then there is the pain from my depression/ mental health.

One thing what I noticed about people posting on here is that they feel responsible for causing pain in case of suicide. Me too. I have a son, a mother, a partner, a brother, an ex husband, friends.... And when I think of them I have a reason to live. Even if it is not to cause pain by not living. Then there is that one good moment... The one you feel nearly without realising. The one where, just for a split second you don't feel the pain. that is the hope.... The hope that, if I can feel hope for one split second I might be able to feel it again ... And maybe again.

Getting to the point where I want to live is my dream. The wish to dream is my ticket out... How about you?

Sometimes I do.

I can relate to all of these.

As far as my depression goes, I rarely get truly suicidal. I have thoughts of ending my life quite often, but I know it's not something I'm going to do. There are two things I use to get through it now. One is the thought "this too shall pass". Being BP2, it's guaranteed to pass, and if I can wait it out I will see that those thoughts were not real. They were just depression.

The other one came out of an attempt to make a suicide pack with my best friend/lover. I had it all planed out, but he (very reluctantly) said no. Shortly after we decided to start playing a home made RP game, based on that sui pact. The premiss was that, if we had died we didn't actually die but got sent to another universe. Playing it out, I started to realize all the things that I really would miss from this life! It ranged from the connivence of cellphones to the feel of my travel mug filled with hot tea. It's amazing how much that one game has changed my outlook on life.

I do , but the rest of the system wants to live
Rei

Not at the present moment. I guess that's good.

I kind of do, I guess. I feel that life has nothing (or very few things) to offer to me anymore, and things only look even darker in the future. I don't think I could actually kill myself though, so I stay in this numb, emotionless state.

But I do have the vague hope that maybe something good will happen to me, I'll get some positive impulse, and then everything will get better... I guess that chance is worth sticking around for. But then again, that hope might just be naive.

I wouldn't say that I've wanted to die before. I've though about it though...Sometimes I think the people around me would be happier if I wasen't here. I feel like a burden to others and a mistake. I've said that I wished I was never born a lot of times. I don't know anymore...I know this sounds weird but, I wish people could know in advance the kind of life they would live. So if they didn't want to live it, they'd just go into non existence.....

Sometimes at night I cry so hard that I just want to drown myself in my tears because the pain is so much. But...I don't want to die...for real that is. I mean I know that my life kinda sucks right now but I'm holding on to that little bit of faith that I have left and hoping that someday it will one day be better. That faith is what keeps me going. Not only that but if think about suicide I always wonder how my family and friends would react. My dad would go into a fog. My mother would probably break into a nervous breakdown. My friends would cry for days and be wondering why I could take my own life. And when I think of all that, suddenly taking my own life doesn't seem worth it.

By the way, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. :[ Hope things go better for you <3

I have no dreams. At all. I sit and think sometimes, if I could do anything in the world what would I do? Honestly, there is nothing in the world or universe that I would want to do. I just do things to occupy my unfortunate time here for a reason unknown to me. I don't believe in life after death, or a supreme being, or anything. I think that when I die it will just be nothing, just like how it was nothing before I was born. I think very deeply on things and I have come to the conclusion that there is no answer. All that I can possibly know without a doubt in my mind is that I exist in some form or another. For now and for the rest of this human life I cannot help but to think that this is a total waste of time being here. What drug could make me think otherwise? Probably a drug that alters my mind so much that I would become something I'm not and die anyway. What's the point? I see none. No point in being here or committing suicide. Nothing matters... everything will happen as it will.

Right now, I do.
I am not a danger to myself, right now.
I am in distress, and I would like to escape it.
I think about my plan. (The plan and the way to implement it are close at hand.)
I don't have a history of attempts.
I do have a history of "ideation." (It's a way I use to reassure myself that I am not trapped.)

The precipitating stressor is not so horrible. My distress is way out of proportion to the stressor. (That is what they usually say about people who choose to die.)
I often think of Admiral Boorda who ended his life in 1996, very unnecessarily IMO.
I think what happens is that the "precipitating stressor" is not all that is going on. It may be small, yet be just enough to tip the balance.

My morning medication is kicking in and I just got calmer.
I made myself a nice cup of tea that I am enjoying with toasted raisin bread.
So I have managed to stop crying and I am making it from one half hour to the next.

I don't believe I have the energy or the will to do what it would take for me to rebuild my self-respect. So I stay in this apartment, doing nothing. I agree to take a work assignment, and then I go into "crises" as the time draws near to fulfill the commitment. This keeps happening. I become distraught and think that "I just want out." Then, instead, I choose to stay alive. But I live, believing that I have forfeited my honor. So that is why I want to die.

The Neurontin and Ritalin have kicked in and . . . how differently I feel! I drank a nutritional supplement beverage. (I am too depressed to cook.) It would be a good next step to start coloring my hair and take a shower and blow dry my hair. Then my appearance will be presentable, which will help me face going into my employer's office tomorrow.

I need to let go of the keyboard and get up. All that life is asking of me now is that I go into the bathroom and attend to my hygiene and grooming. The meds have calmed me enough to be able to do that. For now, I only have to think about doing that. I am remembering that when I last made myself look nice, I did feel better about myself.

Nobody really wants to die. What is wanted is relief from tormenting distress that seems, otherwise, inescapable. I know that I live in a Gehenna of my own creation. I can leave it, today, if I tidy up myself and pick up my apartment and take care of a check that bounced. Lots of bills will sit there unpaid. That one I need to take care of - my life insurance, having kept it up these past 24 years.

Forgive me for going on so. Being so self-preoccupied is part of what's wrong with me. I feel like I have just given myself kind of a pep talk that could kick in and get me into the bathroom. The temptation to do nothing is strong. Before playing a rented movie I've got, I want to do something to feel I've earned some points to trade in for the time spent idle in front of the TV.

Good job getting yourself moving, Rose!

yes, yep, i give up, its not worth it.....

I have wanted to die, many times ... Just 2 weeks ago.... But then I'd never know if tomorrow was the day that things would change. Tomorrow and the unknown of what it holds keeps me here today. So instead of death I'll choose sleep because I'm curious about tomorrow.

I guess I don't . . . well, not yet. I'm 51% in favor of living and 49% in favor of not. Life better not get any worse.

I do now.

Changed my mind.



There are pretty things still to be seen.

I don't really think it is about wanting to die as much as it is about wanting to get relief from the struggle. I don't really come to this forum very often, but I am dealing with the depression that comes with the PTSD that I struggle with. I have been trying not to feed into the depression. But my therapist reminds me that is a part of my personal struggle.

The one thing that I have recognize is that the SI does pass and there are better days too. I have had experience some very dark days and it was extremely hard and I did SI. If I get too much negetive, and I do have some not so nice things I am dealing with. I get very tired and discouraged. I have had a couple of bad days and I have been lucky to have a buddy here that has helped me out. But it is hard and I did do my best to allow myself to even cry, I have a very deep sadness that I haven't quite come to terms with yet. I am trying to work on it with my T.

The only thing I can say, is keep in mind that at some point we will lose the privilage of life, so do your very best to find ways to appreciate what is around you, the living world that has so much splender in it. Look beyond yourself, try to partake in that world outside your door. You don't have to be perfect, as a matter of fact, if you look at trees, all are different and none are perfect. However they can be very beautiful all crooked, bending and turning as they reach up to the sun.

Open Eyes