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  #1  
Old Apr 09, 2018, 08:18 AM
Anonymous50987
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My mother insists that I live, wants me to take meds but I don't want to because if I live I'll regret it later on but I don't tell her that because she won't understand.
No one will understand it when I say I want to die, no one is willing to give me the easy choice of dying. They have to make it hard on me and many others to live a life which is not their own

I seriously don't get why on Earth people are forced to live, just give us the instant-kill meds and there won't be a waste of resources, my mother wouldn't have to struggle. I just REALLY REALLY wish someone could be declared incurable and be let go

I don't want to live, my life is not worth it, otherwise I wouldn't want to die you idiots!!
God I wish I could tell that to my mother but I have no idea how

So much suffering for what? So I and others can continue to post here over and over endlessly for the rest of our lives??
I'm speaking for myself first and foremost but some people may identify in silence

I have concluded that I have no future. Some idiots will call me "you sound intelligent, it would be a waste". Wait, so now you're doubting my intelligence when I say I want to die? Just pathetic
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  #2  
Old Apr 09, 2018, 09:05 AM
Anonymous55397
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The ones who really want to die, will end it. People on Earth are encouraged to live, certainly, but they are not forced. If someone -truly- wants to end it, they will find a way.

I would encourage you to keep posting your feelings, but also acknowledge that there is a part of you that does want to stick around. Otherwise you would not have posted at all.

What strikes me with your words is that you don't necessarily want your -life- to end, but rather the -suffering- you feel. And the only way you feel you can end your suffering is through suicide.

Sure, it would be a very permanent solution. But there are other potential strategies out there. Strategies that take hard work and don't happen overnight. I know it is hard to imagine when you are in such a deep and dark place, but it can get better.
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Thanks for this!
Candy1955, Emotionally Dead, Wild Coyote
  #3  
Old Apr 09, 2018, 11:17 AM
Anonymous50987
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People have to stop digging for meanings beyond words and TRUST that when someone like me says that then they have a right reason they want to
  #4  
Old Apr 09, 2018, 12:22 PM
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paynful paynful is offline
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I say this as someone who was left behind. It's actually easier to remember the date of their death every year rather than their birthday. The truth is that I still miss him... and who he was supposed to be in my life. I'm still mad at him. Mad that he did it in our home to be found. Mad that I'll never have the option of taking my own life simply because I KNOW the devastation left in the wake. I refuse to be that selfish. I refuse to be the one that makes it "run in the family."

The price of living and loving is pain and suffering. Hurting is feeling. Feeling is living, and isn't it a good day to be alive?! ...At least, it's better than dying yesterday.

The people who love you will never understand. You have to remember that while they don't want you to suffer, YOU are LEAVING THEM behind. Eventually they will be able to remember you in some fond memories. But first and foremost, they will always remember you for HOW YOU LEFT.

If this is something you are serious about, you DO NOT ask permission or forgiveness. You do not leave any burdens but the memory of you. You wrap up your loose ends, and then you... I don't know... take up extreme sports. Have an unfortunate equipment failure. YOU DO NOT leave your family feeling like they should have done something different or more. It's not their fault! (in most cases). It's your CHOICE. You chose to give up.

I feel like I should apologize for my strong opinion. I have struggled with this since I was 8 years old. I consider myself improved by the fact that instead of wanting to die, I merely do not want to live. I am in no way healthy, but I AM stubborn af.

I hope you find the strength to ALWAYS try one more thing. There will always be something to TRY to improve your health and situation. I just keep TRYING something new. You never know what will change your whole life... your whole world.
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For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthia Occelli
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  #5  
Old Apr 09, 2018, 04:46 PM
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Shazerac Shazerac is offline
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I’ve been in your shoes many times. I don’t know what else to say other than I would miss you. And I don’t mean that as a guilt trip. Ultimately it is your right to make whatever choice works for you. I don’t know what else to say other than I have felt exactly like you many times but it passed. I love my life today. Tomorrow..who knows?
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  #6  
Old Apr 10, 2018, 09:02 AM
Anonymous50987
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Let's picture a tortured victim esaping its prison yet still bearing the scars. Will it have a successful life, wearing a uniform and earn lots of money? Only in wishful thinking. This wishful thinking is apathetic to what the victim has gone through
I want to die, I have no reason to live if I do not achieve what I want - fame and power, because it's the only way to live nowadays
And nah, forget about mediocracy, I don't want any of it
I want the meaning, the purpose.
You think I can earn it because I want it? Think again, I can't, my ex therapist has forbidden it and I have not been strong enough to filter his offense
See? That's my problem. You're gonna say "get help" at this point I assume. Well don't bother because this advice is too obvious
Yes I view life rigidly and nothing will change it for it will render me powerless. It's either great fulfillment or death for me
  #7  
Old Apr 10, 2018, 05:35 PM
justafriend306
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Originally Posted by scaredandconfused View Post
.....I would encourage you to keep posting your feelings, but also acknowledge that there is a part of you that does want to stick around. Otherwise you would not have posted at all.

What strikes me with your words is that you don't necessarily want your -life- to end, but rather the -suffering- you feel.....

Sure, it would be a very permanent solution. But there are other potential strategies out there. Strategies that take hard work and don't happen overnight...
Wow! Very well said.

I think you are spot on by the interpretation what the OP really wants is to be rid of the suffering.

To the OP, consider what would be better than your suffering even if it is merely a glimmer of hope. As Scaredandconfused said, it will take hard work and time to attain. Work with a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Take your meds! Discuss alternate treatment options. Set yourself some realistic, attainable, and measurable goals. Babysteps.

You have many supporters who wish you well.
  #8  
Old Apr 10, 2018, 08:14 PM
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Candy1955 Candy1955 is offline
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I tried to delete this post. I don't want to offend...it didn't look like it worked so ignore me...
  #9  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 04:07 AM
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marvin_pa marvin_pa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian View Post
Let's picture a tortured victim esaping its prison yet still bearing the scars. Will it have a successful life, wearing a uniform and earn lots of money? Only in wishful thinking. This wishful thinking is apathetic to what the victim has gone through
I want to die, I have no reason to live if I do not achieve what I want - fame and power, because it's the only way to live nowadays
And nah, forget about mediocracy, I don't want any of it
I want the meaning, the purpose.
You think I can earn it because I want it? Think again, I can't, my ex therapist has forbidden it and I have not been strong enough to filter his offense
See? That's my problem. You're gonna say "get help" at this point I assume. Well don't bother because this advice is too obvious
Yes I view life rigidly and nothing will change it for it will render me powerless. It's either great fulfillment or death for me
To me, that bit in bold is key - if there is a purpose to existence, then surely, it's the quest for those 2 things. As far as I can tell, going on is the only route available to me that can potentially give me that - even if there are times when they seem like very distant goals. I've also found that my concepts of what I consider fulfilling & worthy achievements have evolved considerably over time - what was once important has become secondary & vice-versa.
  #10  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 05:15 AM
Anonymous50987
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I have no one to support what I want to do
One friend was passive aggressive and arrogant about something I told him. Doesnt work at home either, where my father and brother don't support it
I have no one to support my ideas so I don't do anything about it
Frankly, no point in living as I said. Sad that no one trusts me and I need to continuously prove it overtime

So anyway, how do I make someone understand that I have no point in living?
By the way, even a woman in a suicide hotline came to tell me "go seek public health treatment instead of private help, THEN you can tell you've done all you could". I confronted her with a "yeah, so you also admit that my life is screwed", to which she replied "NO, NO-" and I shortly shut the phone in her face
  #11  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 06:36 AM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
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Are you wanting for someone to support your suicidal ideation? That’s not going to happen. No one is going to tell you to kill yourself. You can explain all you want about how your life is not worth living, but no one is going to agree and support you in that.

And the reason is because it’s wrong. We don’t go around killing ourselves. We want to live. We want to see others live and be well. We need to keep trying to be well, grow, and thrive.
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  #12  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 06:54 AM
Anonymous50987
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Yes, and I want it to happen regardless of status quo
Look at what some "liberals" do in the US, causing violent protests. That's what will happen if such issues are not addressed
We need a right to die, a mental health police because there is ALLOT of unaddressed psychological violence going on around the world which should be enforced
As I said before - if mental health is considered as physical as physical health, then mental violence is as forbidden as physical violence

I personally rest my case
  #13  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 07:17 AM
Anonymous50987
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I have not lived my life to suffocate other people's irrational toxins because of who they are
I am not worthy of accepting other people's toxins, but worthy of fighting toxicity
The people who are wronging us need to be punished, NOT forgiven, as punishment is the discipline of the golden rule we all ultimately want

I want to ensure everyone can live in peace and order, rather than the confusing chaos of globalism.
Either a breakthrough is done, or many people will become buried under the term "useless class"

The thing is however, opposition is irrational, but it is exactly as irrational as life itself
As it seems life does not support everyone. Not because "that's life". We humans lead those lives and there's a boiling ground at the bottom because of too many humans going to waste
  #14  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 10:29 AM
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Shazerac Shazerac is offline
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It’s got to be difficult to be struggling with your issues. But like the others said no one is going to say “ok you’re right go ahead and do it.” You seem to be saying “if I don’t get exactly what I want (fame, power, etc.) than life is not worth living. There are over 5 billion people on this planet only a handful get exactly what they want. Even then it frequently turns out that it wasn’t what they wanted after all.

It might help to give some thought to why you want fame and power. Do you feel powerless in your day to day life? Fame? If you get famous you will never have a minute of privacy. Do you want that? Think about how these things you want would make your life better. You may be over looking some steps you could take care right now to improve your situation.
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Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day!

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

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Xanax .5 mg prn
Modafanil 100 mg

  #15  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 11:03 AM
Anonymous50987
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Originally Posted by Shazerac View Post
It’s got to be difficult to be struggling with your issues. But like the others said no one is going to say “ok you’re right go ahead and do it.” You seem to be saying “if I don’t get exactly what I want (fame, power, etc.) than life is not worth living. There are over 5 billion people on this planet only a handful get exactly what they want. Even then it frequently turns out that it wasn’t what they wanted after all.

It might help to give some thought to why you want fame and power. Do you feel powerless in your day to day life? Fame? If you get famous you will never have a minute of privacy. Do you want that? Think about how these things you want would make your life better. You may be over looking some steps you could take care right now to improve your situation.
I want all the positives which come with fame and power despite the disadvantages - I want to express myself, be heard, be listened to, be trusted
I want to have value, to give value to others (though this has been hardest for me)
Some people can get away with doing some bad things while succeeding, like my ex therapist, and people like them will justify themselves with "nobody's perfect" or "everyone makes mistakes", but people like me?
"Commit to therapy, do as we say or suffer"

I'd rather suffer

Therapy always seems like a gateway to life - only through therapy will you be able to have friends and get a job, and even then, you will listen to the stronger human beings even if they hurt you
  #16  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 11:06 AM
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downandlonely downandlonely is offline
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If you don't want to do therapy, you don't have to. But that doesn't mean your life is not worth living or that it's ok to kill yourself.
  #17  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 11:17 AM
Anonymous50987
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
If you don't want to do therapy, you don't have to. But that doesn't mean your life is not worth living or that it's ok to kill yourself.
Yes, I agree with you. It's not OK that I and many others want to kill themselves. But so long as the issues I raised are not addressed, then our lives really have no worth
If you don't think so then it's time you show me otherwise. Just saying "no no no" without an opposing remark only proves me right

By the way, I'm considered by others an intelligent person, so that means I must have right reasons to die, right?
  #18  
Old Apr 11, 2018, 02:13 PM
Anonymous50987
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I want to re-awaken my heart a bit...
Thanks Shazerac. I remember you were the first person I met here on this site
That's all I have to say
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  #19  
Old Apr 12, 2018, 03:27 AM
Brownmike Brownmike is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian View Post
I have no one to support what I want to do
One friend was passive aggressive and arrogant about something I told him. Doesnt work at home either, where my father and brother don't support it
I have no one to support my ideas so I don't do anything about it
Frankly, no point in living as I said. Sad that no one trusts me and I need to continuously prove it overtime

So anyway, how do I make someone understand that I have no point in living?
By the way, even a woman in a suicide hotline came to tell me "go seek public health treatment instead of private help, THEN you can tell you've done all you could". I confronted her with a "yeah, so you also admit that my life is screwed", to which she replied "NO, NO-" and I shortly shut the phone in her face
The person on the hotline was just trying to help you. If you really didn’t think there was a point you wouldn’t be concerned about what other people said or thought.

Get some help. Believe me I know it’s tough and seems hopeless a lot of the time but things change. I’ve seen twice now what suicide does to a family and loved ones and it’s not pretty.
  #20  
Old Apr 12, 2018, 03:01 PM
Emotionally Dead Emotionally Dead is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian View Post
I have no one to support what I want to do
One friend was passive aggressive and arrogant about something I told him. Doesnt work at home either, where my father and brother don't support it
I have no one to support my ideas so I don't do anything about it
Frankly, no point in living as I said. Sad that no one trusts me and I need to continuously prove it overtime

So anyway, how do I make someone understand that I have no point in living?
By the way, even a woman in a suicide hotline came to tell me "go seek public health treatment instead of private help, THEN you can tell you've done all you could". I confronted her with a "yeah, so you also admit that my life is screwed", to which she replied "NO, NO-" and I shortly shut the phone in her face
Of course you don't. No one is going to support suicide. Why? Because no one you talk to is going to want to lose you. Suicide is so final, and no matter what our backgrounds are no one truly knows what, if anything, happens when we go. Yes, we will all ultimately face it but that doesn't mean we don't have a life to live first.

People who have attempted suicide and failed, have almost all universally said the same thing. "The moment I did *blank* I immediately regretted it". People that have survived jumping from the Golden Gate bridge have almost all said that. They regretted it. The moment we make that final decision, it's over. We can't take it back. We can't comfort those who are hurting because we are gone. It's done. It's over. It is so final, and there is nothing to romanticize about it and it won't solve anything.

At the end of the day, no one can stop you. All we can do is try to be here for you no matter what happens, and hopefully show you that you are cared about and that this really is not worth it. Life is a rollercoaster, the bad thing about that is things can get really, really low. The good thing is, no matter how low they get things almost always will go back up. Trust me on that.
Thanks for this!
unaluna
  #21  
Old Apr 12, 2018, 03:07 PM
Anonymous50987
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In that case I was talking about pro-life choices
  #22  
Old Apr 12, 2018, 03:12 PM
Emotionally Dead Emotionally Dead is offline
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Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian View Post
In that case I was talking about pro-life choices
We all take things in life differently, what may be hard on me may not be as hard on you and vice-versa. But people not supporting what you want to do is hardly a reason to not live anymore. You have to live for yourself, and no one else. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You have to do what makes you happy. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will be able to live a happy life without these thoughts invading your mind.
  #23  
Old Apr 12, 2018, 03:55 PM
Anonymous50987
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As I said, the disappointment is people's remarks and their influence. I can work on myself to give it less regard, but I think it's best if I can get support from people rather than negative remarks, because I want to share experiences I want to get and not keep it all to myself
  #24  
Old Apr 12, 2018, 04:03 PM
Emotionally Dead Emotionally Dead is offline
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Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian View Post
As I said, the disappointment is people's remarks and their influence. I can work on myself to give it less regard, but I think it's best if I can get support from people rather than negative remarks, because I want to share experiences I want to get and not keep it all to myself

In that case, look for friends who are like-minded individuals. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. My friends are my family, and they are very supportive and we share very similar ideals. Obviously you can't just make friends by snapping your fingers, but if you have certain hobbies you could find things to do involving those hobbies that would allow you to meet new people, and in change those people could become your support group. For instance, I am a gamer. I can make new friends by simply going to a gaming store and talking about games with the people there.

At the end of the day, though, you still have to make your own decisions and not let others sway you. Being given advice doesn't mean you have to take it. I lost my support as a kid when my mother walked out on me, but I have since then surrounded myself with supportive people. They may not always agree with my decisions, but they support them in understanding that they are my decisions to make.
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