Guilt and Shame

It seems as if I can't get over my past no matter how hard I try. I don't forgive myself for anything, and that's probably why.

I have guilt and shame about:
-my mother and her death
-my sexual abuse
-my sexuality (at times)
-sometimes doing the right thing
-staying faithful to my bf
-not being good enough for anyone
-cutting (but rarely)
-not being able to protect children enough

The list goes on and on. It consumes me all the time. I compare myself to anyone and everyone. I always find myself coming up short.

Recently I was journaling and realized something. I have a firm belief that I'm to blame for my mom getting sick and dying of cancer. I know in my head that nobody can fight cancer on their own, but my heart thinks that if I hadn't drained her financially and emotionally, then she would've been stronger or would've lasted longer. Now I've been doing that with my dad and I'm scared to death that he's gonna die, too.

Maybe all of this is the reason I can't move on in life.

(((((((((((((Lexicon))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are feeling guilty and shameful about things right now. The abuse was not your fault and I hope that you can come to terms with that one.

As far as the other issues all I can say is that I feel that I have come to know you some by your posts and you seem to be a wonderful caring person. If you feel that there are areas of your life that need to be changed maybe you can start working on them a bit at a time.

I would have to question if you are not more critical and have a higher standard for yourself than others. I believe it would be surprising if you had all the facts to comparre.

I hate to see you tormenting yourself with these thoughts. I hope soon you can see all the good in you and start loving you for who you are. Please take care of yourself.

lex. . . i've read your posts. you are caring and supportive, inspirational and encouraging. it sounds as though you are being hard on yourself for things that you have not done wrong, or couldnt help or prevent, and thats not fair to you. i wish that you could see yourself the way others see you, for all your good and your strength.
you are not responsible for the death of your mother. the cancer is. and you are not responsible for the abuse.
i could go through the list one at a time, but its not necessary. you are a good person, and you are feeling guilt over things you have no control over. please give yourself a break. be gentle with yourself.
hugs and hoping you feel better soon. you deserve so much more in this life. give yourself a chance to find it.

I relate to a lot of this Lex.... my mother also died of cancer and deep down I don't forgive myself for that..... or much else either Sending you healing wishes (((((((( Lex ))))))))

Thank you all for your understanding, support, and love. You are the greatest!

It's common to think poorly under stress. We have to keep thinking what we KNOW to be truth (as someone like a T tells us what it is.) And we must keep countering those horribly negative self-blaming thoughts. It's all part of retraining the brain correctly. It aint easy.

(((lexi)))) I think you're kewl.

Hi, Lex...

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad. It's amazing how guilt can get down inside us and grow up and choke our spirits. Just remember, you're "Not Guilty"!!!!

I know that you can come through this...just being able to make the realization you have is a huge step. Don't stop now!

DJ

Hi, Lexicon!

My wish for you today is peace...peace of mind, soul and spirit. Perhaps taking some time today to just be quiet in your heart - maybe a warm bubblebath, something encouraging to read - and let peace enfold you.

You're in my thoughts, Rachel!