[silver_queen]

Since I quit university because I just couldn't cope, my dad has been so horrible to me. Telling me I'm stupid, that he can't believe what I've done, that he can't believe how much I've thrown away, etc. My aunt was around on Saturday and said that I could have come shopping with her in the supermarket that morning when we met her there because it woul;d have saved us time, but my dad said, "Her! She can't do anything!" - talking about me. He's been saying that I'm stupider than my uncle and stupider than my cousin. I would usually feel very hurt by his daily comments and his silences and angry looks at me, but now I don't feel anything when he starts on at me, and most of the time my mood is like that as well. My dad, having found alcohol in my room and knowing that I had started drinking when I was depressed a few years back, has banned me from having any alcohol in the house, and these past few days the urges to drink have come back again. I managed to tell him about the SI on the day I told him about why I left university, but he said "That was a stupid thing to do" and has never mentioned it since, except perhaps obliquely when he said that when he came into my room, he didn't want to see evidence of any 'idiotic behaviours'. Not that I have ever openly displayed my drinking and cutting... he found out about the alcohol because he looked inside my wardrobe! - but I have taken what he said to mean that he might search through my things, so I have hidden the things he might find objectionable, but I have also taken what he said to mean that he is just going to ignore what I've been doing and class it as stupid, because that is what he thinks I am. I'm 21 now and I'm beginning to feel more like a visitor here in my own home. In fact I am not sure he even *wants* me here anymore. I'm confused and lonely and I don't have anybody to talk to IRL, and the pressure just builds up and I feel even sadder.

Silver

[wisewoman]

Silver, I have a son your age and I really hope I never come across as mean like your dad. He doesn't know what to do or say and no, he just doesn't get it. He is worried about who you will become. Maybe he still thinks that's a reflection on him. I wish you could tell him people go to college at all ages and change professions etc. You need to deal with depression number one, or rather Silver number one. Did I ever tell you there is a variety of sweet corn grown around here called Silver Queen? Hon, please do take care of yourself, get help and you don't have to believe him. May peace find you today and hold you if only for a moment.

Gee Silver_queen, I'm real sorry your dad isn't being supportive to you.

When I was way young, about 14, my mom saw how I had self-injured my arm and leg and she said nearly the same thing as your dad has said to you. Please know-- that was not a good thing for him to say to you-- he doesn't understand.

Seeking support from others that understand is best ... like posting here.

Not sure if this is possible for you... but, I moved out when I was 19. I ate noodles and toast for months, bought my clothes at a used clothing store--didn't have a phone for 4 months as it took me that long to save up the money for the connection fees. But you know--- I LOVED my independence!!!! No one to judge me or cause me to feel worse about myself. Perhaps... an inexpensive place is out there for you??

You are a wonderful woman..... I hope you know that.
PM me if I can ever be of any support.

mandy

[pegasus]

silver queen,

I think what you actually NEED at the moment is SUPPORT! (which should come from your family- but does'nt sound like it does at all)

You have been through some REAL stress lately, and to be told that you are "STUPID" is frankly disgusting!

I really do feel for you.

In my opinion, I think it would be a good idea for you to move out, so that you are not subjected to any more verbal abuse. That would probably feel very scary to you now, but may put you on a happier road.
Or consider moving in with a relative you can trust, or a friend.

My heart goes out to you.

Big hug ((((((((((silver queen )))))))))))))))

[Lexicon78]

I'm so sorry that you are being so mistreated by your dad. That's awful.

You are not stupid and have so much to offer, regardless of what your dad says. Just because you dropped out of university, doesn't mean you can't go back when you're better able to handle it. Trust me. I know people that are in their 30's and 40's who are going back to college! You can go back no matter what age you are!

Please stay strong.

[wisewoman]

Love the idea of getting a room somewhere! I felt so good when I was living away from "them" for the first time. Good luck.

[silver_queen]

Thanks people - it does feel good to get support, even if it is online!

I have thought about moving out and getting my own place, but I think it would have to be a council flat or house, and it is a scary thought of living on a council estate on my own without even a dog, because some of them are rough and have gangs of kids hanging around them, etc. I've also thought of staying with my relatives, but both my aunt and my cousin live in separate house literally doors away is all, which is both good and bad: good that if I did decide to stay there, they are close to home; and bad that if I did stay there, my dad would probably come to drag me back lol. No, he would let me stay away, at least for a while... but he would disapprove of it a little... and he would probably think me 'weak'. If I stayed with my aunt, I couldn't stay there long, her house is too cluttered and there is nowhere for me to sleep other than on a camp bed downstairs, and being with her constantly 24/7 would wear me down, she is similar to my dad in ways, since she is his sister. I could stay with my cousin but, to be honest, I would feel i were intruding on her and shouldn't be there, since she's in debt and hasn't got much money.

So I'm not sure what to do. I know that living here is not improving anything for me, but I'm nervous and uncertain about making any move towards independence too. I know I am dependent on my dad; he's encouraged it over the years and I of course have liked it because I love him; but now he seems to discourage me from being independent but seems to want me to be more independent too. I know wanting approval is not important but having his approval feels necessary for me and any move I make towards getting any kind of help for myself - whether it be counselling, finding somewhere else to live, getting a job, joining a club - will be met with resistance and disapproval and when he disapproves of things, he makes things unpleasant for me, mainly how he's been treating me for the past couple of weeks.

In some ways he contradicts himself, because when I was still at university he wrote an email to me saying that if I was unhappy there, perhaps I should come home after all. However, now I have arrived home (unrelated to reading the email - I'd already decided to leave before reading it) it's as though my happiness doesn't matter, as though university is everything. It's not as though I have *nothing* - I have good A-levels and GCSEs. I suppose I must be shaming him. He can no longer say he has a daughter going to a good university. He tells me he can't believe I'm showing so little concern for what I've done, but frankly I'm relieved to have got away from academic pressure for ever. But still, being told that I'm stupid and can't do anything, etc, makes me question myself and my abilities, and when I think about it, I really *don't* have any worthwhile skills, except that I can do calligraphy, and that isn't much use to anybody.

[wisewoman]

Forever is in a day. Make a decision day by day. it will get better. I am sorry you are in pain. I often wonder in situations such as this what would happen if you simply sat down calmly and were the adult while he yelled etc and told him how you are feeling. Just a thought.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you are having to "fight" for support at home. grrr. Please go slowly with more changes in your life. Unless you fear for your life, maybe staying home for the time being is ok?

It sounds like, imo, that your dad had high hopes for you, perhaps unrealistic ones, ones that come from inside him and his own hopes...perhaps ones that were his own and were dashed at some point? I'm not sure anything you say or do will/can change him, but it's worth a try, isn't it?

It also sounds to me like he isn't very understanding of emotional/mental issues. Maybe by repeating some of what your T has told you, on how to cope, and add how this isn't a permanent situation, but that you'd like his understanding and emotional support, you might find a soft spot in him? IDK.

Your dad seems to be acting out and attacking you rather juvenilely, imo. Try to not respond to him in like manner, but treat him as an adult, and the father he is. People can learn to mirror what they are given...

Sit down with him with a plan... short or long term. and ask him that now this is where you are at, what are his suggestions?

Sigh. Raising parents can be so trying! TC

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((((Silver))))))))))))))))))))))))

[January]

Oh Silver!

((((((((((((((( Silver Friend )))))))))))))))

Have you ever just told him off? You are the furthest thing from "stupid" I've ever met! Sometimes the best way to stop a bully is to stand up to him. If he touches you, call the police. Period.

Can you go spend more time with your Aunt? Please go to a t and talk this through. The t at least would be irl.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

I will do anything for you that you need. Just let me know.

Hugs,

Jan

[hereiam]

My Dad was almost exactly the same way to my sibling who went through the almost exact same things you did. He never helped. I don't know what else to say except I've seen first hand the damage it can cause...and I'm so sorry. Please know it's HIM NOT YOU, and it's his own issues that cause him to act this way.

[SS8282]

((((((((silver))))))))) I can certainly understand where you're coming from.

In high school, i needed only 1 more course to graduate so I could go to university. My student counsellor said it wouldn't do me any good and refused to sign me up for a course. Thus, I did not get my diploma and did not graduate, let alone apply for university.

My dad used to call me 'stupid idiot' all the time. Before, during, after the beatings. Sorta became my nic name.

While I was reading this thread, I've been wondering - do you do something that gets you outside the house -such as volunteering or working? Even going to college might help - it's easier, I think than university. I know that taking care of yourself and getting support are important, but by being out of your house during the day (or night) and doing something else, might turn out well. You might get some support from the people you are with, or income. This will show your dad that you are NOT 'stupid', which you AREN'T anyway.

I hope I'm not putting pressure on you, it's just a suggestion. Hugs.

[nothemama8]

Silver, hugs if you want them {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
remember dearheart, "Stupid is as Stupid does, meaning what he says and does is the STUPID person in this area

[silver_queen]

Thanks (((((((((( wise )))))))))))) (((((((((((( sky )))))))))))) ((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))

((((((((((( Jan )))))))))))) ((((((((((( here ))))))))))) ((((((((((( SS )))))))))) ((((((((((nothe ))))))))))

Sky, thanks for writing that. You are right in that my dad did not get the chance to go to university, and that he has wanted for many years for me to go, he's never really considered anything else. I too wanted to go to university for years, until I got there and problems began.

I also don't have a T, and methods I use to cope are not those I would recommend to others . I think he is so focussed on the fact that I am not going to get a degree, that he overlooks other things. And besides, he says that I brought the depression onto myself, which I agree that I did to some extent, but it's never actually shifted in over a year.

I never, ever, ever talk to him like he talks to me. I usually say nothing at all when he starts on at me, unless he wants an answer to something, and I usually reply 'don't know'. I know that this is no defence. But usually if I do have to start an argument I end up crying very easily, which I hate, so I try to avoid it.

And as for sitting down with a plan, I could do that but I am totally overwhelmed as to what I want to do in life now and I don't know if I could cope with a regular job anyway, and besides he would criticise whatever I wrote down...

I'm sorry that I am discounting so many of your suggestions but imo some of them just wouldn't work for me.

Jan, I have been looking up Ts in my area, haven't found anybody yet though, and I can always go through the NHS too...

SS, you say some valid things there, because I have been looking up volunteering in my area. These are only small towns though and I think I'd probably end up working in a charity shop or something, when I would really want to do something more worthwhile, perhaps related to mental health. I've also been trying to find support groups in my area for depression and self harm but I haven't been able to find anything. I suppose such things can only be found in cities.

Nothe, you made me smile when I read that!

[pegasus]

silver queen,

You could contact MIND, they have support groups and opportunities for volunteering.

About finding a T- if you see your GP, he should be able to refer you to a therapist. It would be confidential and safe.

I know there are long waiting lists for psychologists but he should be able to refer you to someone to get the ball rolling.

Don't blame yourself for the depression,and go easy on yourself.

Hugs.

[SS8282]

Start something small. Even if its a part-time job. As for working in a charity shop or something, it's still *something*. Every little bit helps. While doing that, you can look for something more meaningful.

The important thing is to get out of the house, away from *him*, and whether it's work or volunteer, that will help you feel better about yourself. I kinda like the saying, 'help yourself by helping otheres'.

((((((((((((((((((silver))))))))))))))))))))))))

[silver_queen]

Thanks (((((((((( pegasus )))))))))))) I'll have a look at their website. I've been there before but I've only read their information leaflets, which I think are very good.

That's the problem with the waiting list for an NHS being so long, by the time I get an appt I either feel better or I've convinced myself I don't need to see one. Last year I got appts with both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I did make myself go to the psychiatrist but I never got to see him because he was off sick and I was referred to somebody else, and I was supposed to receive that dr's details but I never got them and I didn't follow it up. I didn't go to the psychologist, they gave me a time when I'd be on vacation from university and I would have to ring up to re-schedule it, and since I hate ringing ppl I don't know, I never did. So even if I *did* manage to get an appt, I might not even go to it.

(Are you from the UK, pegasus?)

[silver_queen]

(((((((((( SS )))))))))))))) ty for your suggestions, I'll see what I can find, not sure I'm up to handling stuff right now anyway, and besides I have 9am-6pm free, he's at work then.

[zombiette]

hey silver...i really feel for you b/c i have done through similiar stuff with my family...i am at law school and until recently was at what many ppl think to me the most pretigious law school in the country. i enjoyed my studies there and everything but my home life was just getting me too me and i was frightened about what i might do to myself if i stayed. so i transferred unis and basically went about as far away as i could get without needing a passport and visa! my father has refused to acknowledge my depression and probs i have had with eating disorders ( the latteri s in the past, the former i am still dealing with) and thought i was making it all up when i told him about my depression. he also said i was throwing it all away etc. but i've been better since i moved and being away from my home environment really helped. u cld try looking into moving out, maybe into a flatting or boarding situation as they are generally a lot cheaper. u r 21, ur dad CANNOT tell u what to do or where to live,etc...pm me if u wanna talk more about it

[EJ711]

Silver -

I'm so glad you quit University. It sounded like an awful course load. I wouldn't have lasted a minute in a language program.

On MSN.com today they said the hottest skill is bilinqual with the growing international market. By chance would you be binlingual in any particular language. If not, can you get some tapes and study just one language?

I am so sorry your father is being emotionally abusive. My father was just the opposite of yours. My father was so old fashioned he didn't believe girls should go to college. My brother went to Cornell and Harvard. After my brother died suddenly at age 38, my parents offered to stand behind me, if I wanted to go back to college.

I'm so sorry your father is being so selfish, self-absorbed and unreasonable.

Hugs and love,

EJ

[silver_queen]

Thanks for your post EJ, I currently don't have any plans for the future, I am seeing how things go.

Silver

[heartspace]

Silver, I really feel for you, being exposed to emotional abuse from your father. I know it's not going to help if I tell you that he clearly doesn't understand what you've been going through. So instead, I thought I'd tell you about something that might give you some hope in such a trying time: one of my closest friends who I met at uni dropped out of Uni. She had a lot of emotional problems, and was really suffering. Anyway, she returned to study some years later, and now has a managerial position. In other words, there's nothing wrong with taking time off to take care of your emotional needs. It doesn't mean that things won't work out in the long run. I hope her story provides some reassurance. Hang in there.

[Christina86]

I'm sorry your father is taking YOUR DECISION in YOUR LIFE so badly. Doing something for yourself and that was your decision was the right decision.

I know the feeling of being called stupid, my parents and family honestly didn't believe I'd graduate from high school, let alone make it into university. You're not stupid, the clear fact that you had made it into university shows that you're not.

He shouldn't be invading your personal space, regardless of whether or not you live under (what I assume your father believes it to be) "his" roof.

I feel like a vistor in my family's home, to the point where even calling it "my home" makes me uncomfortable. Before I moved into residence this September I always felt like an outsider, and did put up with the comments about my lack of motivation, brains and overall talent (as compared to my gifted younger sisters). I feel like a stranger in my family's home, and no, it isn't a very pleasant feeling. What you have to do is either resolve yourself to feeling like this or find some way to work it out. Or move out, if you've got any sort of oppurtunity. Its a big decision, but it was a good one in my case. (Sorry, I don't mean to sound bossy. I'm just trying to help. Please feel free to ignore me if my advice is unwanted. )

I feel for you, and you always have a home here at PC, if thats any consolation.

*HUGS*