[Xambgii]

I'm really, extremely, panicked, and confused.
I've dealt with depression for years now, on and off. But lately it's getting worse and worse.
And stemming out from just depression to other things.
My chest hurts all the time, but my mother says it's just anxiety. If it really is then...
I've never wanted help. Ever. It's a;ways scared me. And last time they couldn't figure out what to do with me. To me, therapists are no help AT ALL.
Nothing ever really caught my attention until I sat down and wrote this.

(WARNING: Excessive foul language )

Who... or more correctly being said... What am I? Am I some kind of monster, created on whim by some bored scientist, in their basement. Or am I a deranged psychopath. Because that's what everyone else treats me as. Every single word I speak, is taken as a threat. And the looks I make, drive them away. I know I'm not human. I'm not normal. Nor will I ever be. I'm not like them. And to be honest, I don't really want to be. I don't want to be myself very much, either. They already know I'm different. Why make it so obvious? They hate me because, like I said, I'm not like them. I don't think like them. I don't talk like them. I most certainly don't act like them.

...I don't have the same emotions...

With me, it's never a matter of being happy or sad or anything else in between. I'm not sad, because by then I don't feel a thing. I'm not happy, I'm delusional. I'm not smug, I'm a narcissist. I'm not angry, I am the personification of rath. And it's not even just that. Try feeling so much at one time, that you simply don't want to feel a thing anymore. Try being completely suffocated in them. They drapes over you like an endless overcast, nighttime sky. So much that it nearly cuts off your entire lung supply. So much that, instead dealing with them, you'd rather die.

Try being empty nearly all the time...

I've gone weeks at a time, locked inside my room. Curled in a ball. Food isn't good anymore. A couple small bites of whatever can last me a whole day. Or I can go without it, I don't care. I'm never hungry when I'm like this. Whatever outlet I had before, that kept me from going absolutely beserk doesn't help anymore. If your empty you can't have an outlet. No rage to run off. No Euphoria to draw. Nothing is there. So you sleep. And sleep... and sleep a little more to wait it out. And when that doesn't even work, cause yourself some kind of pain. Pluck a hair. Twist your limbs until they're on the verge of breaking. Draw some blood. If you're empty, cause pain. Because then at least there's something. Still not working?

Then some mystical being flips a switch.... Just when you've gotten used to being the zombie that you are too. Bummer...

Then, you've become Semi-normal. As normal as I can possible get to it, anyways. Which actually isn't very much. Here, I can be joyful. I venture out into the unknown. Everything is entertaining. And the entertaining becomes me. People don't scare me. Maybe if I jumped off a building now, I could survive. I don't doubt it. Not a single bit. Will people ever be able to fly? Hell yeah! As long as that person is me. Come at me with anything. I can do it. I eat this stuff for ****ing breakfast! I'm probably a lot better at you than everything, too. No. I AM. I could become ****ing god if I wanted too. Here, anything and everything is inspiration. And I can get that down on paper. I can play it on a guitar. An entire story can stem from a tiny rock. And sleep, who really needs it. In my opinion, it just gets in the way of all the epic things I could be working on now. As productive I am now, nothing may ever really get done, but it's worth it.

Until the switch is flipped again... but this time it short circuts. And you can't fix it. Just like how you can't control when someone flips the switch.
It's much like being empty. Except, not at all. You're terrified of everything. Terrified of yourself.... The things you say and do and everyone else. So you sit in a corner, shaking violently. It's hard to keep track of anything. You find yourself stuttering in everything you say. You forget the meaning of words. You always want to scream. But you can't because someone put you on mute. So you break something. Just grab the closest thing next to you and launch it. Or cause pain to someone else. Everything makes you jump. Your chest is in pain, constantly. You feel like you need to cry but you don't. You haven't cried since elementary school because that's how you were raised.

Wait a minute.. I hear someone. They're talking about me, aren't they? They absolutely hate me, don't they? Why do they ignore me all the time? You've been busy with school, eh? I know you're ****ing lying to me! You can admit it. You don't want to be around me. Just tell me if you don't want to talk to me. Stop denying it. I know you ****ing do. But that's okay with me. I'd rather be alone than with you anyday.

It's driving you insane. You can't deal with it any longer. So You try to make it go all away. Stop everything for good. The world would be better without you , right?

****... I failed. Let's try again.
It's not working.

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY!

Now I'm alarmed at myself. And I decided to come here. I really don't know what to do. And I don't know what's wrong with me. And I'm scared.

[Callmebj]

Xambgii, I sounds like your life is in real trouble here. You said you do not think therapist can help. Have you seen a psych Dr. for medication? I really think from your description
here it would bode well for you to be hospitalized so they can get you the medicines you need to get into some calm and soothing place for yourself. I think getting into a safe haven as in a hospital where they can monitor you and get you squared away with medication would be right for you. I can't imagine your not getting help from what you have described here. It sounds like a place of misery and I do hope you will go. When you are more settled with meds and such, a therapist may seem more appealing to you to work out your mental difficulties. Please, please get help for yourself and run, do not walk, to get the help you so desperately need.
Love yourself enough to know you deserve better a life better than what you have at
present. Worthy enough to deserve health and it's okay to ask for support.
Hugs, bj

[Open Eyes]

Ok, Xambgii, you got that out, that was your first post, and it sounds like you really needed to get that out. Do you feel any better? It sounds like your asking for help at home and it seems no one is listening right? Am I right here? Cause I sure know what that feels like. It also sounds to me like your experiencing some anxiety and because you don't understand it, know what it means your having anxiety about your anxiety. Oh yes, I have had that as well, even went to the emergency room to be told I was having an anxiety attack and yes it does hurt.

Now, I HAVE read your message here and it does sound like your angry and struggling. I have struggled too and had all kinds of unhappy thoughts myself. And I even sat across from a couple of therapists that really didn't help much. I took a break from therapy and got worse so I tried again and now I do have a therapist and it is helping, Am I all better? No but I am gaining and learning bit by bit and I CAN eat and have some good moments.

I think you deserve to get better, can you do that on your own? No, I think you need help, someone who can perhaps change your medication and a better therapist that can sit across from you and GET YOU and HELP you. Is it going to require some effort on your part, YES. But what your doing now is not working, I have been there myself, and it **cks. And the only party I could seem to muster was a pitty party and guess what, no one wanted to come.

I think you deserve to get help, anyone that says what your saying deserves to get help. And bring that post that makes sense to you with you when you see a therapist. You need to journal like that more too.
It makes sense because you are getting it out. It makes sense to let things out and it even helps with anxiety.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[roads]

We're listening, Xambgii. We hear you, please keep posting. Let us know how you feel about Open Eyes has said--that no one is there for you at home, to listen to you. Is that right?

Sometimes we just don't see the right therapists at first. Have you talked with more than one person? Would you think about talking with someone else?

How about a pdoc? Have you been given prescriptions by anyone--your family doctor or maybe a psychiatrist? Perhaps they could find some counseling help. What did you think of Callmebj's idea of your spending some time in a safe place, maybe a hospital? They could evaluate you very thoroughly and get you settled on medications that might be able to make a huge difference In how life is looking to you just now.

Or not. IDK. We can diagnose anything here--that's not what we're about. But we want to be here to support you.

So please keep posting. Let us know whether our responses are making any sense to you, okay.

Gentle hugs, Xambgii.

Roadie

[PsychGirl123]

I don't know what to say, that must be a scary revelation for you. I am now worried about an acquaintance of mine, who sounds exactly like this when we had conversations. Thank you for posting this, and helping me to realize that something serious is going on with her as well.

I agree with some of the above posts— maybe you just haven't found the right therapist yet, but that's no reason to stop trying. I believe that relationships with therapists are like any other relationship we have with people. Sometimes, there's just a bad fit, but trust me when I say that there are people out there who understand you, someone who is a great fit and can get you on the right path.

You're worth it, to take the time to get a fresh perspective on how you're feeling by someone who is trained and capable in helping you to understand why you're thinking this way. And let's face it, you and none of us are qualified to decide why that is. What's the worst that could happen? Nothing? Then you've lost nothing. But what's the BEST that could happen if you got help? That's worth finding out, don't you think?

You seem to have some clarity on the post that has been scaring you— imagine if you got clarity and understanding about how you're feeling now? and so on? We're all different and have our own problems, but no problem is too big that it's not worth tackling. So post away— we're listening and are here to help in whatever way we can.

[Switch]

Haven't posted in a while but I feel compelled to do so. I have bipolar 2 dissorder, and although I am no specialist, reading what you wrote really resonated with me. We are not suppose to dx each other here and I want to make it clear this is my opinion based on my experience, and not a dx, but have you ever looked into bipolar? 1 or 2, though you sound like 1, are treatable. Try to get diagnosed and be sure to mention more than the depression, because your time that you feel top of the world is important to. Many cases of bipolar are misdiagnosed as depression.

I want to let you know your not alone in this, there are many people who go through what you do. We are not understood by "normal" people, at least in my case it's because there is no reason behind my switching. For me I have always said its a chemical imbalance in my brain that does it. And every time I know it will pass. I know what it's like being empty and I know what it's like to have too many emotions at once to the point you can do nothing that scream and run and try and explode, knowing full well how crazy you look.

Ever since I've started meds I've been getting better. Not perfect, as I have just started treatment and haven't found the right cocktail of drugs yet but I haven't had a truely unbearable episode (depressed or manic) since. There is also other treatments, but meds for me are the most important.

That's my story at least. I encourage you to look into bipolar and please continue to look for help. It can happen and the hell of not trusting your emotions can end. I promis.

[snowgoose]

Thank you Xambgii for allowing us into your pain. I hope we can usher some peace your way. I felt like I was reading pages from my own journals. I am so sorry you are in such a painful place right now. It will get better even when it seems it never will or can't possibly.

It is hard to make that long walk to a therapist. Harder to find one you can open up with and feel you can trust. Still in is one of the keys to success with MI. We all need a place to turn and someone to turn to who understands. That is worth all the gold in the world.

For me, I think learning about my dx was probably the first best thing I did for myself. Not knowing what was going on had me bouncing off the walls. I came here and met people who live a similar reality to mine. People who didn't judged from a place of 'unknowing' but empathize from a place of knowing. Finding people who ‘get it’ is a huge support for me.

Once I received a diagnosis things started to make more sense. I read and listened to everything I could find to help me learn and understand what was going on with me. Some explanation for what was happening, why and what I could do to help myself.

I have come a very long way towards achieving a more balanced and harmonious place. I didn't think I would ever be able to say that but now I can. I am by no means symptom free, and my life by no means is where I think I want or need it to be but I have made some huge gains on the journey. I recover quickly when triggered off balance because I understand the dynamics of it all. It isn’t so personal anymore. It isn’t just about me but me and MI managing to co-exist.

You sound to be in a place where it is really really hard to believe anything is every going to help make things better. It feels so hopeless and it just keeps pushing you down and down. That's okay. You will be okay. You will weather this one out like you have done before; too many times to count no doubt. You can make it through the maze.

You were drawn here for a reason. Here your hope can be restored because we have/are in your shoes and we are making gains and maintaining hope. You can too. Here you can share anything and everything and always be supported. You don't have to explain, justify, rationalize, argue..... none of that will you find here. It is a safe haven for those who need to know they are not the only weirdos in the world. lol. It is a place to learn and to grow and to give and get unconditional support.

Old biblical saying..... 'the next step to take is always clear in time to take it.' Meanwhile love yourself through the hard times and believe in better times. One day at a time. You are never alone.

[Xambgii]

Thank you for all your responses.
I'm scared of medication. I haven't been on it in a year. Last time they gave me it, I was angry all the time. They gave my friend medication and it gave her hallucinations. I'm also afraid of the idea of hospitalization...

And Switch.... Thank you for your reply.
It's interesting that you related to it. If I ever told someone to help me look into it, though, they'd deny it and say I was being stupid.

Thank you SnowGoose... You're reply helped me relax somewhat/

[gma45]

Welcome to PC. I am not going to assume anything in regards with what is going on with you, I am not trained to make that call. I do know anxiety and depression can play some real games with us! Just remember you are not alone, We are here for you if you need to vent it does help. Sending hugs your way(((((((Xambgii)))))))))

[Callmebj]

((((Xamggii)))), I want to apologize to you about my response earlier. I have been in terrible places as you have and in no way, did I want to trigger you on hospital or meds.
I forget that some Dr. don't always have wisdom in prescribing; but I had never been done that way. My depression/anxiety medications are so helpful to me on my issues.

I could just see that you were feeling very overwhelmed and do hope that is better by now. Forgive me if I was too abrupt with that. I could see someone who seemed to be in such immediate need and have an ability to find some comfort and safety. Did not mean to sound insensitive to you at all. Hope all is better for you. Hugs, bj

[likewater]

((((Xamggii))) things wont always be this confused and painful. I' m sorry you are hurting so much. I encourage you to seek professional help. Just because you had one bad experience with meds and pdoc, doesnt mean next time will be bad. Or it may help just to talk to a T without worrying about meds if that' s too scary, but you shouldnt have to go this alone. Sending gentle hugs.

[PsychGirl123]

Originally Posted by Xambgii

Thank you for all your responses.
I'm scared of medication. I haven't been on it in a year. Last time they gave me it, I was angry all the time. They gave my friend medication and it gave her hallucinations. I'm also afraid of the idea of hospitalization...

And Switch.... Thank you for your reply.
It's interesting that you related to it. If I ever told someone to help me look into it, though, they'd deny it and say I was being stupid.

Thank you SnowGoose... You're reply helped me relax somewhat/

It is entirely possible that you need to try a few different (safe) combinations of drugs to find the right mix for you. What works for one person doesn't work for all and vice versa. Don't give up.