[konrei]

Feeling good as of now, though a little stressed.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by vintyg

Hi ! , very down today missed my class . Just could not get out of bed . Totally clueless . Writing 'Suicide Note' , i write them often these days , just gives me peace . My head feels heavy and though i am very weak i am not feeling like eating anything . Had a bad incident yesterday , which really broke my already fragile confidence and what ever i did to cope up in last 7-8 days just shattered . Had i been my confident self i would have been able to take up that failure but in this state that i am every little thing seems insurmountable .I hate my self and hate the choices that i have made .

Welcome to PC. You seem to be extremely depressed. I hope you have both a T (PC speak for therapist) and a Pdoc(a psychiatrist) to help you during this time. PC is a great support network with some of the best people I've met, but during times of crisis members are urged to get help from professionals who can be there for them. Talk about suicide is limited to feelings about it and not acts of or details. Do keep posting on how you feel and sharing your thoughts and struggles.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Welcome to PC. You seem to be extremely depressed. I hope you have both a T (PC speak for therapist) and a Pdoc(a psychiatrist) to help you during this time. PC is a great support network with some of the best people I've met, but during times of crisis members are urged to get help from professionals who can be there for them. Talk about suicide is limited to feelings about it and not acts of or details. Do keep posting on how you feel and sharing your thoughts and struggles.

Really nicely written (and kind) post sidestepper ~whimsy

Originally Posted by Leed

Feeling better since doctor added Abilify to the Cymbalta. Had started getting a bit blue again. The Abilify is great, except it usually makes me retain water. lets see if it does it this time -- I had to quit using it once before.

Got diagnosed with COPD too, and that's not making me want to jump hoops. So now I'm on rescue inhalers, other pills, etc. NUTS. But I did it to myself, and now I must reform. Patches, here I come.

Wishing all a better day. God bless & love to all. Hugs, Lee

((((Lee))))

[regretful]

Ugh...dwelling on the things I was not decisive about when I was younger...I know you can't change the past, but I sure wish that I could. It's depressing to think about...

[dazedandonfused]

I didn't have a very good night L I ended up telling my Fiancé how I was really feeling and he freaked out on me. We got into a big fight and ended up making me feel worse. I have never told him how I really felt and he doesn't understand what I'm going through. I started another chemo round this week and feeling very week (Mentally and Physically) I’m at a loss for words right now…. Oh god why??????????????????

[Turtleboy]

Been all over the place for the last few days, seem to be back to "normal" for now

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by regretful

Ugh...dwelling on the things I was not decisive about when I was younger...I know you can't change the past, but I sure wish that I could. It's depressing to think about...

"God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change......" ps...And you'll just drive yourself crazy if you don't

[Puffyprue]

i am sad like beyond sad plus i am sick, sick and sad its not good combination ,i hate being sick coz i start to think about how pathetic my life is and how i dont have a friends or someone who cares about me and ect...its not like i dont think about this when iam not sick , its just when ia sick thinking about this making me incredibly sad and i hate that

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by puffyprue

i am sad like beyond sad plus i am sick, sick and sad its not good combination ,i hate being sick coz i start to think about how pathetic my life is and how i dont have a friends or someone who cares about me and ect...its not like i dont think about this when iam not sick , its just when ia sick thinking about this making me incredibly sad and i hate that

Hope you feel better soon.....

[agma]

Had a good appointment with my pdoc this morning. Got home and cleaned the bathrooms and vaccuumed. My mood wasn't too bad when I woke up this morning, but it has steadily been going downhill since my pdoc appointment. Right now I am feeling very depressed and wishing the OD would have killed me. I HATE feeling this way. Also having strong urges to self injure.

[whimsygirl]

Feeling myself being pulled back to the dark hole, and not wanting to go there. Such a precarious existence. Never know quite what to do to avoid the trip.....sigh. Going to try though

[Shadow-world]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

"God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change......" ps...And you'll just drive yourself crazy if you don't

Very true, Whimsy, but personally, I also find it incredibly hard. Some things I'm better at accepting these days but there are still aspects, especially one, that I wrestle with but really need to accept to stave off deep depression and despair. I shall keep trying though.

[vintyg]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

Very true, Whimsy, but personally, I also find it incredibly hard. Some things I'm better at accepting these days but there are still aspects, especially one, that I wrestle with but really need to accept to stave off deep depression and despair. I shall keep trying though.

It's the same for me .I keep on thinking ,trying on make sense of the decisions and choices that i have made and keep on feeling bad . I am fully aware of the futility of this cycle , but not able to come out of it .

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

Very true, Whimsy, but personally, I also find it incredibly hard. Some things I'm better at accepting these days but there are still aspects, especially one, that I wrestle with but really need to accept to stave off deep depression and despair. I shall keep trying though.

Oh Shadow, yes, I could not agree with you more. It is perhaps what we know is the ideal, and what we aspire to, but by no means is it easy. Believe me, when I say that to someone else, I am speaking to myself as well. And I know what you mean about it being harder in some areas than others. I know for me the one I wrestle with the most is accepting that I can not change what another person feels ~what is in their heart. But I'm glad we're both trying, and sometimes that's the best we can do. Hugs.....

[Nammu]

Started a partial hospital program, Rose76 is right it is draining. There are a lot of reality challenged folks there and that makes it hard on those of us that are easily startled and traumatized. They start talking loudly off topic or just suddenly get up and leave the room. They will be there longer until there journey from the darkness is over. I keep telling myself I have it better than some-they are not oblivious to their actions and behaviors, just helpless. It hurts to hear how people treat them and how much more stigmatized they are and that people talk about them in front of them as if they were deaf, something I can relate to, too. Still it is hard not to react with fear to the sudden movements. I know I need the program right now.

The only other option would be inpatient and --that I can't do. Ironically the Mayo Clinic, located in a city where I have been trying to move back to be with my family has a inpatient program for those who also have severe physical problems and is ADA compliant. If I had regular Medicare I could get in as they accept almost every insurance, but not with the advantage program, in state only! My pain doc asked if I didn't want to move closer to family for the surgery I need. I told her I've been trying for the last two years, and now they(sec 8) just raised my rent, raised it more than the so called cost of living raise I got on the SSDI, so now I'm not even sure how I'm going to fix the car. I feel as if I have only two choices one. SU and two. a serious back surgery that I have to face alone.

I went to the surgeon this week and my back is too destabilized for any surgery except the fusion, with a bone graph, I went in expecting to talk about a simple cyst removal. That was a shock that took a few days to absorb. It took me mouths to agree to the simple surgery, I begged for more PT first and tried to get them to agree to another round of deep steroid shots w/ ketamine, but I've done every non-surgical treatment including losing weight and acupuncture. My pain doc is a good one and I trust the surgeon she sent me to, he was honest and straight forward w/ me and that is what I value. He didn't nay say my questions or put down the risks. He took his time asked if I had more questions and told me to call if I did. Yes the fusion can lead to more surgery's, and failed back and a whole lot more, my only other option at this point is to keep on as I have been and I can't, I need to do something.

My pain doc told me it was ridiculous to continue refusing to go up on pain medicines when we now have a date for the surgery(Nov-12th), and I'm considering Su. I'll be in the hospital 2-5 days then go to a rehab place because I live on second(first to those outside of USA-I think that is how it goes? Up one flight off the ground.) floor and with a cat--he is great but they prefer human companions to live with the surgery patents. So she increased the short acting pills and I take the patches everyday. Since I'm not driving I guess it doesn't matter. She believes that this will help with the depression.

Sorry this is so long, I'm only posting here tonight. It's been a long week. Thanks for being here everyone, PC is great to have. I wish you all the best weekend. Chat more tomorrow after some long sleep and a video! Gotta go tell my family the news.

[Turtleboy]

I hope things work out for you sidestepper

[RS123]

I feel like there's a mini person inside my head, and it keeps screaming.
It sounds weird, but it's true.

[alone in the world]

not feeling all that positive this morning and I still have the whole day to go. don't know if I can make it .

[whimsygirl]

Hi Sidestepper....Thanks for posting the latest. What you're dealing with is incomprehensible, and yet you're living it. I admire your spirit, and pray that some how, some way, some comfort comes your way. Will be keeping you in my thoughts......

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by RS123

I feel like there's a mini person inside my head, and it keeps screaming.
It sounds weird, but it's true.

I hope you're okay.

[whimsygirl]

Really groggy, 'cause I took something to help with sleep and pain at 2am, but still couldn't sleep long enough. Mood pending until after French Roast ps.....Wishing all a good day.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

not feeling all that positive this morning and I still have the whole day to go. don't know if I can make it .

One moment at a time.....

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by agma

Had a good appointment with my pdoc this morning. Got home and cleaned the bathrooms and vaccuumed. My mood wasn't too bad when I woke up this morning, but it has steadily been going downhill since my pdoc appointment. Right now I am feeling very depressed and wishing the OD would have killed me. I HATE feeling this way. Also having strong urges to self injure.

I understand the feeling after Pdoc or T. Hope you are doing better. You are not alone.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Started a partial hospital program, Rose76 is right it is draining. There are a lot of reality challenged folks there and that makes it hard on those of us that are easily startled and traumatized. They start talking loudly off topic or just suddenly get up and leave the room. They will be there longer until there journey from the darkness is over. I keep telling myself I have it better than some-they are not oblivious to their actions and behaviors, just helpless. It hurts to hear how people treat them and how much more stigmatized they are and that people talk about them in front of them as if they were deaf, something I can relate to, too. Still it is hard not to react with fear to the sudden movements. I know I need the program right now.

The only other option would be inpatient and --that I can't do. Ironically the Mayo Clinic, located in a city where I have been trying to move back to be with my family has a inpatient program for those who also have severe physical problems and is ADA compliant. If I had regular Medicare I could get in as they accept almost every insurance, but not with the advantage program, in state only! My pain doc asked if I didn't want to move closer to family for the surgery I need. I told her I've been trying for the last two years, and now they(sec 8) just raised my rent, raised it more than the so called cost of living raise I got on the SSDI, so now I'm not even sure how I'm going to fix the car. I feel as if I have only two choices one. SU and two. a serious back surgery that I have to face alone.

I went to the surgeon this week and my back is too destabilized for any surgery except the fusion, with a bone graph, I went in expecting to talk about a simple cyst removal. That was a shock that took a few days to absorb. It took me mouths to agree to the simple surgery, I begged for more PT first and tried to get them to agree to another round of deep steroid shots w/ ketamine, but I've done every non-surgical treatment including losing weight and acupuncture. My pain doc is a good one and I trust the surgeon she sent me to, he was honest and straight forward w/ me and that is what I value. He didn't nay say my questions or put down the risks. He took his time asked if I had more questions and told me to call if I did. Yes the fusion can lead to more surgery's, and failed back and a whole lot more, my only other option at this point is to keep on as I have been and I can't, I need to do something.

My pain doc told me it was ridiculous to continue refusing to go up on pain medicines when we now have a date for the surgery(Nov-12th), and I'm considering Su. I'll be in the hospital 2-5 days then go to a rehab place because I live on second(first to those outside of USA-I think that is how it goes? Up one flight off the ground.) floor and with a cat--he is great but they prefer human companions to live with the surgery patents. So she increased the short acting pills and I take the patches everyday. Since I'm not driving I guess it doesn't matter. She believes that this will help with the depression.

Sorry this is so long, I'm only posting here tonight. It's been a long week. Thanks for being here everyone, PC is great to have. I wish you all the best weekend. Chat more tomorrow after some long sleep and a video! Gotta go tell my family the news.

Hang in there. You have an appointment and a date. Keep in contact with us at PC.