[Rose76]

I was diagnosed with depression. For years, I did okay with the help of an anti-depressant. Then came years when I wasn't doing okay. I am not doing okay for months, now.

I think my basic problem is severe loneliness. I can't get a soul to listen to me on that. Maybe, here at PC, I can find some understanding.

I have tried to tell the pdoc that I believe I have a Personality Disorder involving social avoidance. I can seem so well able to express myself that I don't think the pdocs ever really believe me. Yes, I was able to work with people in my job for years, and I could interact when I was in certain situations where I knew what my role was.

But I have no friends, and that has been true much of my life. I do have a significant other, but that is not enough. He is very isolative, and he is happy just for me and him to be alone together. I hate that.

It was extremely hard for me, as a child, at school. I would hide in the girls' room just to avoid going to the cafeteria. I would stay in the house, in my room, reading and listening to music, rather than go out and play.

I told my mother and a teacher that I was terribly in pain about this. They just said I would be fine down the line. Well - down the line just got worse and worse.

PLUS - there is no amount of one-on-one therapy in an office that is going to help me. Been there and done that to death.

Now, my pdocs have tried me on med, after med, after med. They have even suggested ECT. For what!! I will just go back into the same lonely existence.

I used to have my studies in school to connect me with my teachers. I used to have jobs that connected me with people whose needs I was able to serve. Now I am unemployed and in my apartment, and I am plagued with Sui. Ideation. I am afraid of being alone forever, and facing growing old all alone. My S.O. is much older than me and he is sick. If something happens to him, I will really be alone.

This is so painful to even express here. I feel trapped in quicksand. I live alone. It seems like I lost the basic few skills I had in dealing with other people. After my last job failure, in February, I became severely depressed. I am not recovering, but getting worse. I feel in such despair, at times.

I think of places I might like to go. I have so little money, I am afraid to use a teaspoon of gas, unnecessarily. So I stay stuck here. I used to love to go walking, but I have bad arthritis in my right foot, and just going to the supermarket can be painful.

Another problem is that when you are lonely and depressed and looking for any human warmth that you can find, a serious problem arises. That can attract people to you who are not coming around for the best of reasons. A lot of that happened to me in my life. I am very tired of this struggle.

[Nammu]

I can identify with most of that. I used to have school, volunteer jobs, my daughter and stuff though her, and jobs to socialize and now-nothing, No money to go places to socialize with people I might like.

Like you I used to love walking but physical problems keep me from doing that and boy do I get the part about using a spoonful of gas.

I never hid, to avoid people, I was just as happy being alone as I was if I was with people. I grew up in the country so if the one girl my age near by was gone or the weather was bad it was just me. At school I was fine with the other kids except for a brief time during middle school when I preferred the library to study hall, but Jr high is difficult for most people at one time or another.

I just started IOP, and honestly I'm not sure if it will help with this issue or not. I'm depressed and SU but I've blamed it on the sleep problem, maybe I should take a look at the lack of socialization too. It could be a combination of both, I never really thought about it but it makes a lot of sense. I have been kind of scared of dying and no one knowing until the rent is over due. Most humans are social and need that as part of our daily vitamin. I'm surprised your pdoc doesn't consider isolation and loneliness as part of the problem. Have you asked him about group therapy? That would seem to be a step before ECT?

I don't know that this was very helpful but I do know what you are talking about. Don't have any answers though.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Rose )))))))))))))))

[Rose76]

I have been told (maybe, unreliably) that I could ask to be referred for some kind of group therapy. I haven't asked because I have felt afraid I might not fit in and then I would be criticized if I dropped out.

[Rose76]

Thank you all above for the hugs and for reading my post.

I am going out, now, close to midnight, to take birdseed out of my car trunk and put in in my outside storage closet. I waited till dark, partly because it was very hot. Also, I don't like to go out when I might encounter neighbors.

They are all okay people . . . even nice folks, who've tried to reach out to me. I feel ashamed of myself. It is obvious to them that I am sick in the head. I think that by now, they are thinking - "Well, enough already. It's time she got it together. She's a lost cause. Hiding in there with the blinds closed." I imagine that they will feel disgust if they notice me. One neighbor has told me that I need to fix up my appearance, wear some make-up, act like I am alive. She said that, supportively, in the past. I know she has lost some respect for me.

We were starting to be friends. Now, I shy away. I don't want to be chastised. A few months ago, she said that I should have "had at least one child." There's precious little I can do about that now. What could possibly have been her point? Well . . . I guess she was trying to analyze what went wrong in my life. She wasn't being mean . . . just insensitive. She says she wants to take me to lunch, when I am ready to come out of my cocoon. Normally, I would warm to any invitation like that. I just don't want to be under someone else's magnifying lens, when I know I do not present all that well. I envy the traditional Muslim women their burqas. I would like to go around in a sheltering veil of privacy.

[Rose76]

This is how I feel. I would like to go veiled in privacy from all the eyes IRL.

[TerryL]

Oh Rose, your pics above just made me chuckle. I don't have a burqa....I just hide at home

As for your neighbor, she was being quite insensitive. I don't blame you for not wanting to have lunch with her, not because she was insensitive but because she doesn't seem to understand what you are going through. I am sorry you are feeling so sad.

[Rose76]

I have decided to go to a psych consumer class. I hope I don't feel too strange there.

[bobbie58]

Well, I started to answer this post but it went blank. Like you I am alone. I am married but my husband is a long distance truck driver so he is only around 4 days a month. I lost a close friend to Utah which is far from Georgia. My other friend is moving away to Az. so any support system is lacking. I am feeling anxiety over the idea that I won't have any friends. Last week I tried to go off Klonopin and just about did myself in from the horrid withdrawls. I am back on the nasty stuff. My undereyes are puffy and red from spending the day feeling my feelings. Does anybody here want to have a one on one chat buddy where we can email to each other on our profiles? I am a good listener and hope to find some strength in having someone to "chat" with.
Sincerely,
Bobbie

[Shadow-world]

[One neighbor has told me that I need to fix up my appearance, wear some make-up, act like I am alive. ... I don't want to be chastised.]

I can understand that it can feel as if she chastises you even though she probably just means well in her own way.

[ A few months ago, she said that I should have "had at least one child." There's precious little I can do about that now. What could possibly have been her point? Well . . . I guess she was trying to analyze what went wrong in my life. She wasn't being mean . . . just insensitive.]

Yes, definitely insensitive. I wouldn't have been able to deal very well with above comment, but then I have an issue with my childlessness still.
She doesn't seem to understand that being childless is sometimes less a choice than the result of circumstances such as not having met anyone at the time when it was possible to have a child etc.

I would try and distance myself from her, as her insensitive comments obviously upset you, which I can understand. You don't need this in your life right now.

I think you can definitely find other people where you live who appear more supportive, Rose, e.g. by joining an interest group.

[Rose76]

Shadow-world -- Thank you so much for understanding so much.

That childless issue is something people really ought to have far more respect for, and many do. Yet, still, things get said out of line. If ever a person deserves to be told to "Shut Up," it's when they talk on that subject regarding someone else's life. I resisted the temptation to tell her that I would have felt bad becoming a mother under the circumstances that she chose. That would have been just mean, on my part. I don't judge her.

being childless is sometimes less a choice than the result of circumstances such as not having met anyone at the time when it was possible to have a child etc.

That, above, can be so very true. There can be a lot that falls under "etc" too. My long term, close relationship has been with a man who had very tough issues for a long time. Whether it was smart, or stupid, I chose to stay by him through it all. When I recently mentioned to him that I did not expect that it would be so tough to get older without children, he said, "You never wanted children." That kind of burns me up for him to be so nonchalantly sure of himself about what I did, or didn't, want. He was much older than me, already had children, and was just not in a position to support a second family. Alcohol was a major problem. I was 43, when he sobered up.

It's true that, if becoming a mother had been my burning ambition, I might have left him ten years before that. I could have done, and I didn't, and that was my choice. I chose him and accepted the limitations that our relationship had. That doesn't mean that I might not have liked to have had things differently. Had he been a different kind of man, I might have found myself having different ideas about what was possible. I don't blame him. I'm not out to throw it in his face. However, it did make me so mad the way he said what he said.

He was not in shape to be a father, again. It would have been hard on a child, and it would have been very hard, frankly, on me. I know that lots of women have had children by men with all manner of problems, and sometimes it has worked out okay. I don't judge what anyone does. I didn't feel like I could bring a child into such difficult circumstances. That was my choice, but he was wrong to say that it was a totally "free" choice. Sometimes, the truth is "yes, and no."

I have known of other women who have felt pressured not to have a child because of the wishes, or capacities, of their S.O. It's a tough decision to live with, and one that has perpetual consequences. My neighbor has no business saying what I should have done, and my S.O. has no business being so blase about what I could have done.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Rose76

This is how I feel. I would like to go veiled in privacy from all the eyes IRL.

This is exactly what I wish I could wear, except I fear I would draw too much attention just because of the unusual dress wear!

Living in Texas I get enough comments on my preference for black-aren't you hot? I just feel more comfortable in black than any other color. The oddest response has to be many decades years ago- back when I was first diagnosed with PTSD and first started having memories and dissociation. One of the so called therapists I was sent to interview(for a group therapy w/ others like me) from the hospital, this therapist told my doctor that I was involved with a Satanist cult!!! She could tell because I was wearing all black and there was no reason for me to be wearing black, such as my being over weight!! I was so shocked that a so called real therapist would actually say something like that that I said {very tongue in cheek} or maybe I was being sarcastic, but I wasn't serious but I was taken seriously and had a restraining order put on me! Any way I said "gee maybe I should have her drawn and quartered." As if. I asked my doctor if they had, had to look it up to see what it meant. None of the nurses or anyone in the hospital knew what I meant and had to ask me what it meant! I told her witches and Satanist don't do that the persecutors and the inquisitors used it I was being sarcastic.

I was told because I was MI anything I said like that would be taken seriously?! No matter how out of context. All because I preferred black clothes for my own comfort and to help give me a feeling of invisibility. Clearly it wasn't working. I had also died my long auburn hair black so it would blend in with my clothes, that too backfired a different therapist claimed that proved I was psychotic!? I asked her if she had been down on Hennepin Ave, or in Hyde Park lately? That was the hight of Goethe I was hardly alone,in having black hair but I didn't do white face make up or dark eye make up alone with the hair and according to the article her was quoting those things plus voices needed to be present! The article was written in the 1800's too!

So ((((Rose76))) if I got those kind of comments from people educated in "so called" educated in psychology your neighbor is just being obtuse. I do understand the feelings though. I prefer waiting until dark to take out the garbage and all that stuff too. I had kind of a reality awaking last week though and I would bet the same would happen to you if you stopped all activity. From what you have said about your landlord and how long you have lived there. I have lived here for a long time but I don't talk much to my neighborers, so what happened to me was a surprise.

I kinda gave up, I stayed in bed, even when I wasn't sleeping, I only got up to empty the litter box, feed and water my cat usually in the middle of the night for about two weeks, I did this, not eating or doing much else. I was saving pills and making plans. I got a note in my door from the office asking me if I was OK. It said the maintenance man noticed my car had not moved in days, then a few days latter someone(long story) sent the police for a wellness call but I had to go get some stuff for my cat and was fortunately gone at that precise moment. The manager talked to them, said my car was gone and I got another note to please call. I now know the people around me do notice me, I know at least three of them would be upset if something happened to me.

Rose-and I suspect you too Bobbie, all of us who hide at home, even though I don't know your stories yet, there are people, spirits who are watching over us. Maybe we are just too depressed to feel them. I went out with Anna today, had lunch, hard, yes, eye opening, very. found out just how much people know about me. I haven't talked to anyone here for over a year. So I doubt any of us are truly alone.

Sending fuzzy's and hugs to everyone out there in PC who thinks they are alone--the angels/spirits are watching over all of us.

Rose I hope this group turns out to be the right one for you. I don't care for the one I'm in. The therapist seems to dislike me for not wanting to go into the hospital? I thought that was the point of the group, to stay out of the hospital??? But thats her issue, if it doesn't work I don't see it as my failure, just a bad fit. Good luck.

[Rose76]

Thanks, Sidestepper.

It is kind of nice that people get concerned if it seems like you might not be alright. That's happened here, and I've appreciated it.

Your other point about people - trained people - drawing way too many conclusions from way too little knowledge is something I, too, have experienced. Here is the most bizarre: I once went to a new, lady pdoc who said, 20 minutes after meeting me, that she was referring me to a male pdoc because she thought I was potentially violent. I had zero history of anything remotely suggesting that. Some upsetting incident that I described apparently hit her wrong. I had said that I was very upset with a former pdoc, and I guess she took it to mean I was wishing harm on him. In no way, did I suggest or even think that, but maybe I just sounded too emotional. I had just been released from the hospital for severe depression, accompanied by self-harm. Maybe that was the flag? I'll never know. She didn't explain. One of the weirdest things I ever experienced! And, as you may appreciate, it was very upsetting to be thought of in that way.

[Nammu]

Wow that is weird, something like that happened to me once but I don't remember much about it, I just remember being upset over someone thinking I could be violent--me? Isn't that odd how these professionally trained people can be so far off, it is quite scary to think they have so much power to change and label people for life. I have never hurt anyone either, just myself.

The group I go to now, at the end everyone must say that they will not hurt themselves or anyone else at the end of group, and will show up the next day, it strikes me as very corny. I always want to start laughing. My ex who was diagnosed as a sociopath could look someone straight in the eye and promise not to hurt them and 5 minutes later be killing them. I'm just not sure about this group, I'm hanging in there but I don't have a good gut feeling about it--but then can I trust my gut at this point? I don't think so.

[dimmingstar]

im always alone bcuz when i try to socialize im always the weirdo so id rather be alone than feel alone

[Rose76]

I'm glad you're willing to keep at it, despite what I understand sounds corny. It would kind of irk me to have to promise not to hurt anyone else, when that is not the issue for being there.

Then, again, if there are people in the group who have expressed ideation about hurting others, shouldn't they be in a different group? It doesn't sound like it's that kind of a group. In the world, of psych, however, apples and oranges can get mixed together.

Despite what hits you as off - and I understand how it does - you might get something out of being there. A day program helped me a lot. Some stuff was off-putting, but I found it was worth tolerating that for the insight I gained. Peers there helped me a lot.

Then, again, I went to group (at a different time and place) where nasty stuff was allowed, and I did decide to leave. It was a case of peers attacking each other, with professional moderators letting it go on. That's another kettle of fish. Even regarding that, I kind of wish I had stayed and just made a calm statement about how wrong I thought those dynamics were. It might have strengthened me to stand up to it. When you get upset is when you really have a chance to learn something, by trying something new to deal with the upset.

[Nammu]

I think everyone in the group is suicidal no one has talked of harming anyone other than themselves. I'm glad I don't go with my gut at this point because I'm starting to get something from the group. I've had cognitive therapy before but when depression hits I just don't see the positive. I think at different points in life you get different things from the same information too. How is the consumer group you signed up for going?

[Rose76]

I have three consultative examinations to go to for SSA. They conflict with the consumer group I planned on attending. So I haven't gone yet. I still plan on going, soon as I can - maybe in 2 weeks.

Sidestepper - That is really great that you are starting to get something out of the group. Also, it sounds like you are in with peers that you share some commonality of experience with. That can really help.

[f.reliant]

Some people (your neighbor for instanace) just are not good at editing their thoughts. I am sorry her comments were hurtful.

Having a nice front lawn pays off. The care that the lawn requires me to be outside and I find myself to available to meet and greet and lot of neighbors. Conversations are usually short and sweet but nice. This doesn't take the place of a good friend, but human contact and connecting with others helps with the isolation.

If you find you are unable to do a lot of physical work, hand watering keeps you out in the yard and is acutally quite relaxing. Anyone else have any suggestions?

[Rose76]

I live in an apartment. I did used to go out and trim the many rose bushes that grow around the complex I live in. The current property owner doesn't really care too much about the roses. It seems I have stopped caring too. I stopped putting bird seed in the feeders outside my windows. I never was this low before. My one close friend is in failing health. Some of this may be anticipatory grieving.

[Rose76]

I am becoming more terribly depressed. I canceled television service to save money. It seemed like a luxury. I thought I could get an antenna and just content myself with what I could get for free. That would probably be fine. But getting the antenna may be hard to do. Getting the mail is hard to do.

My Sig. Other will be going out of state for two weeks at the end of June. I never before dreaded him leaving. He goes every year. I am more depressed than I have ever been and I feel so awful. He has become my only contact IRL.

Maybe it is anxiety I have today. I have a consultative exam with a psychiatrist in one hour. I feel awful about going for this appointment.

My Sig. Other is in failing health and I feel like I am losing him. I feel like I am losing everything. This is getting to seem like more than I can cope with.

Everyone here has problems. Mine are probably no worse than for a lot of people. I am weak. My problems seem more than I can cope with.

[Nammu]

(((Rose76)))

[Rose76]

I'm home by myself and not too scared about it. Hearing kids playing outside my door helps a lot. I am very depressed.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Rose76

My Sig. Other is in failing health and I feel like I am losing him.

That is hard. (((Rose)))

[Rose76]

I don't put out any bird seed. I have 2 bags of seed. I just don't have an interest.

Being this down never lasted this long before.

If I would just go out and fill the bird feeders, it might be a start.

I hate to leave my apartment. I dread to encounter my neighbors. I just want to hide. I don't want to go grocery shopping. A pan I cooked with weeks ago sits on the stove still unwashed. This is not a medical condition. This is despair coming from too many failures and too much loneliness.

Maybe this evening I could put the seed out for the birds.