Never show anger

My T said my sadness is coming from not being able to express my emotions especially anger. He is 100% right. God forbid if I got mad at someone. Well I am mad at one person. My dad who paid little attention to me as a kid and when he did it was just to prop up his ego. Act like a know it all and I'm an idiot.

Don't know where this rant just came from. I just felt like getting it out.

i am afraid of my anger. too.

My mom never allowed us to be mad and my dad would make me feel that whatever it was I was mad at was my fault and I should not feel that way.

I heard a doctor say once - "sometimes depression is anger turned inward". I'm sorry you weren't abel to express your emotions ((hidesad)). I hope you'll be successful in processing this is therapy.

It is really hard to undo your up bringing. I'm in my 40's. I should be able to undo that BS they programmed me with.

Depression is sometimes caused by anger turned inward. For years I had trouble expressing anger as well. In fact, I've even had hypnosis to help me to get my deeper "negative" emotions out. My T gave me a tennis racket and I beat the heck out of a pillow, while I yelled. That sure helped! I felt much relief afterwards.

((((Hidesad)))) My family was the same way. Absolutely not allowed to show, speak or utter any form of what they considered "negative" or "unpleasant" in the feelings dept. My father would just look at me and not say anything at all. But my mother was the WORST. She used to tell me I was "ugly" when I cried, (I was usually crying because I was so frustrated)...and then she would tell me to go look at myself in the mirror (to prove her point).

I cannot bear to look at myself to this day when I am feeling anything less than OK or slightly above OK.

I am in my 40s too and this place (PC) has been invaluable for me. Along with a great T. I finally have hope again.

Please don't give up! Please continue posting and sharing.

If this old bag can do it (feel a little hopeful and optimistic) you definitely can do it!!

Hugs, Rose

I'm always acting happy

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Most people think I'm laid back and happy go lucky.

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Meanwhile those people do not see me barely getting out of the office driving in my car to a park and crying my eyes out.

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((((Hide)))) I was like that for many years, as well. We were taught to keep it all in which is so not healthy. That is why it is important to meet with a good T. The sadness, fear, hurt, anger that you hide / keep inside, still resides in you, and it can be quite destructive. It literally eats away at you I can relate very well to this as well. I ended up in hospital with a very sick stomach when I was young.

Please take good care of you and find a way to express yourself with a trusted person irl. Someone that will cry with you and help you work through all the sadness and feelings bottled up. There is no reason for you to suffer, sweetie.

Rose. Thank you so much for the encouragement. You definitely seem to understand.

I really do. Many many hugs to you...you are not alone. I hope you will keep posting. R

Unfortunately you can not undo the past, but it is possible to start giving yourself that which you never received from other people, and should have.... (including your parents.) It's not always easy, but hopefully.....probably with the help of a caring therapist, it is a possibility. (And btw, I'm there too.) "God give me the Serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Best wishes to you......

sometimes i think that my anger can kill people.
i believed it when i was 10. i killed my own father. with annger.

It's tough nothing drastic ever happened to me but I feel I had a childhood of being ignored or put down or made to feel guilty if I ever spoke up. This was from my father. I even feel guilty as I write this because I know other people went thru a lot worse so I should not be complaining.

Oh hidesad.....There is no reason to feel guilty. Every precious person is important, and the pain you feel is just as important as anyone else's. There is no need to compare anything. And personally I don't think you're "complaining".....you're simply expressing how you feel, which is good. And btw, I know so well what it's like to feel these kind of things from your father. When I was a kid things were better, but as I became an adult he never showed any interest in getting to know who I became, never told me he loved me or was proud of me, etc. Anyway, enough about me. I sure hope you find some comfort soon....you deserve to feel better ~whimsy

I echo ((((Whim))))'s sentiments....feelings: pain, hurt, neglect, sadness are real, and no more or less important than anyone else's.