Wasted Life

I feel like i wasted my life away. I'm embarrassed about it and hate being around people. I don't want anyone to ask me about myself and ask what i do or how i am doing. I am on disability and haven't worked in almost 3 years. I have a high school diploma and i was a secretary before and did clerical work all my life. I am struggling now. I have no car and live with my bf in one bedroom apartment. I have no children and i have been with bf for a long time. We planned to get married and have a family and then i found out some things and didn't want to although we stayed together. So now my life is about going from dr. appt to dr. appt and going to the pharmacy to get my meds and seeing my therapist and psych dr. other than that and running errands I do nothing. I don't have friends anymore since i stopped working due to depression. I used to go out and do things and now i have no life. My bf has friends and family and he likes to do things with them and i'm sad to be home alone. I don't want to be around his family for reasons i won't get into. So I feel like i have nothing to show for my life. I thought of taking one or two classes to at least feel good about myself that i'm doing something and to get out of the house but they would say that i could work if i could go to school and take away my benefits. I don't feel working and taking a class or two is the same thing but they will think that and i can't afford to have no income. So i'm just ranting about feeling like a loser and being embarrassed about my life. Feeling lonely and not wanting to even wake up. So many other things going on but i'm not going to continue to rant about it. Thanks for listening.

If you register with the school's disability office, you might be able to take a couple of classes and still qualify for benefits. Taking classes is a wonderful idea, from all perspectives. Please contact the disability office. That should not be a huge obstacle.

I go to school full time and am on SSI benefits.

anjelmarie,
I can relate to your situation. I'll share with you. After being out of school for 11 years, I decided to go back and start college. After four years, I had a bachelor's in science and chem and was married with a child on the way. The fall after I graduated, we moved so I could get a post graduate degree. All during this time, I was developing severe, daily migraines. My son was born and was the highlight of my life. My now ex-wife became verbally and emotionally abusive. We divorced during my senior year of post graduate work, and she took my son back home, several states away. That spring, I graduated with a doctorate degree. I had to finish one month of work after graduation as the migraines had become so severe that I lost of month of schooling.

Right out of school I landed a very good job in the state I went to school in. My ex had become so abusive to my parents when they went to see my son that I had to take out a restraining order on her in my parent's behalf. When I would visit my son, he was four at the time, he would tell me things like "mom says you don't pay us enough to get a house". That and a few other goodies. At any rate, after three years on the job, I had to quite because of pain, taking a part time job. Despite numerous tests, medications etc. the migraines got worse.

So, here I am, no wife, no son, eight years of education down the toilet, pain so bad that every moment I"m not working, (two to three half days a week), I spend in the dark trying to get rid of pain. My back has gone out and so I walk with a cane, again painfully. Neither problem will go away, or so I am told. tens of thousands of dollars left in student loans,

That is simular to how I feel except I did attempt college, only to fail twice and I live at my moms house. I'm waiting to find out if I can get on SSI, I hope so but then again its not like I feel great about it....but at least it would be a constant income that could help me become a bit more stable. I do want to get out of the house more and do things but a lot of time anxiety, depression and feeling isolated even around people gets in the way. So having the income probably wont help that but it would give me more options.

But yeah I am 23 and I have nothing to show other than a useless highschool diploma and accumulated college loan debt...Oh and official records that I am mental and have been in a psych ward. So I can relate to the wasted life feeling.

Thanks for sharing and sorry for your pain. I pray things get better for all of us.

i reaqlly do know what you mean.

when someone brings up the subject of my life and what i'm currently doing it's so depressing... because i really don't know what to say.

do i make something up?. or tell them... you kniow, compared to half of the normal world- nothing.

it's so embarrasing

I'm sorry that this happened to you and i hope things get better. You should be proud of yourself for your accomplishments though. You went back to school and received your doctorate. That is amazing and you should be proud of that. You can't help what happens to your health. I have alot of health issues that are affecting my life as well and i know i did nothing to bring that on. Unfortunately these are the cards we were dealt. I don't know why things happen the way they do. No one else in my family has the health problems i do. My mom did and now shes deceased but my family sees me looking ok and they think my problems aren't as bad as they sometimes are. Anyway all we can do is keep trying to find ways to heal ourselves. I am constantly searching for ways to help myself and trying new things, i even look into clinical studies. Alternative medicine sometimes works. Chinese medicine is said to be helpful. I pray for all of us that are suffering. Thank you for sharing that with me. Anjelmarie

I know, I dread having to see people. Sometimes i do just say i'm working just so they won't start questioning me or try to help me find a job.

Hellion I'm sorry your going through this. It sucks to be depressed and to be unable to work. It really messes up your self esteem when you can't take care of yourself. I understand completely. But you have to do what you have to do. I hope your disability comes through, get a lawyer if you have to. I didn't want to get on it but i had to, i needed an income. You still have time to go to school so don't be too discouraged. Take care of yourself now and when your feeling better you can go back and try again. Its hard to concentrate when your depressed. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing.

Anjelmarie

I am afraid to even ask disability about school because i read somewhere that they may think that if you are able to attend school you should be able to work at least part time and they will call you back in for a redetermination and i don't want to go through that i don't want to plant any seeds in their heads that i do not need to be on disability anymore because i can't work. I am not ready at all to go back to working. I am not stable enough and i can't even get things done in my home. I can't concentrate or focus. I wanted to just see if i could handle a class. Because staying home all day and doing nothing is making my depression worse. I know some people are going to school and with no problem but i don't know if all states are different. The governor here is very tough on any kind of assistance or aid being given to people. If he could cut out all disability he probably would. I just don't want to rock the boat so to speak.

I also feel like I've wasted my life. I'm 29 and have nothing to show for it. I have a degree in culinary arts that is essentially useless because I can't handle to stress of the kitchen. I'm on disability for depression. I don't have a car, I don't have a nice apartment. My family has made me out to be the black dog. I really don't talk to my family because they think I'm just using the system for my gain. If I could work I would. I have loads and loads of debt that I don't ever think will be payed off. I have constant thoughts of suicide as well as other thoughts of harming myself. I feel so bad that I can't even fathom having a relationship. I feel so lonely. Nobody seems to care, or I am so far gone I can't tell. I would love to go back to school, but I have to shed my current load debt before I do that. I just feel that I'm wasting away, and not in margaritaville.

Anjelmarie,

You give such compassionate and kind advice to other people, I can hear your empathy in your writing. I imagine you to be a caring person.

If you're unable to join in on college courses, you could always audit a course, I allow students who aren't registered to audit my courses. Or, you could enroll in a free or cheap class at a local community centre. I've been told and have found that when I do things I enjoy, I tend to meet people I like. If you can commit to an activity, even once a week, it may be a good way to build some resilience.

Keep us posted!

RJ

Chandler, I can relate to everything you are going through. My family looks at me like i'm the black sheep too. I'm the only one really struggling as far as having a decent place to live and a vehicle goes, and the only one that hasn't really accomplished anything. I haven't told anyone except my uncle that i am on disability. They may suspect it but i haven't said anything and they don't ask. I know they would think that i just don't want to work either. I am in debt as well and i'm still accumulating more debt from doctors bills that my insurance isn't paying and the copays i can't really afford. I hate living like this, not having enough money to just have necessities even never mind some decent clothes. But i know that if right now i tried to work it would be a disaster. I can barely stand being around people, how would i deal with working with people. I feel for you because i don't want to live this way and i wish sometimes i would just not wake up or die in an accident or illness. I just want the pain to go away. I know thats what you want too. I don't know what advice to give you except keep talking to people on here or look into a group in your area for people with depression. Are you seeing a therapist? That would be helpful. I'm hanging in there by a thin thread myself. I just try to do what i can just to get through each day. TV has become my friend. I'm praying for you and you can pm me if you want to talk. Take Care of yourself.

Anjelmarie

Thank you so much RJ. That means alot that you think that of me. I am so down on myself that i can't see any good in me sometimes. I do care about others and wish i could do more to help people sometimes. I feel bad that i am always the one needing help. I'm sorry this may be a silly question but what do you mean i can audit a class? I am so afraid disability will find out that i'm taking a class and penalize me for it. I think i'm just going to call them and explain how i feel and ask them about it. My therapist and the dr. both agree it would be good for me to get out of the apartment and focus on something that could better myself. Thanks for your advice.

Anjelmarie

Auditing is sitting in the classroom without taking an exam and receiving a grade.

Yes, that's right. I mean just sitting in on a class. You can often ask an instructor if they'd be ok with that. So, it doesn't appear in any official records. I think getting out of the apartment to do a regular activity you enjoy is a great idea!

I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
I hope you can find a way to get what you want. Maybe start with just one class ?