Asking for Pity?

This is a constant question in my head. Why do I keep telling people what's wrong with me while I don't seem to make much effort to change? Is it because I want people to say, "Aw, you poor thing."? I'm constantly wondering if I'm bothering people. Hell, I think my counsellor is tired of hearing me ask. I think it surprises him just how obsessed I am about it.

Why do I keep bothering people with my problems? Do I get some sort of rise out of it? Does it make me feel better about myself when other people are concerned about me? I make it sound like my life is a living hell. But I've got friends and family and don't work for a living; I don't have to worry about losing my home; I've never been so incapacitated that I couldn't leave my bed; I've never been so depressed that I've gone to hospital. But I get suicidal and cut myself (but only shallow cuts, so who cares), I loathe myself with a vengeance, I wish everyone could see me for what I am and abandon me, I wish that I would stop trying to create and maintain connections with people... I wonder why people would care if I was dead. They're delusional, I guess.

Now I'm not feeling like this right now, but I have recently. And now I'm bothering you guys with this. Why? I'm not sure. I guess I feel I have no good reason to be depressed (my counsellor would disagree), and I should just shut up and keep to myself. And stop telling people how I feel. And put that mask back on. People who don't know me as depressed... they're happy that way. I don't care what my friends say, I'm a bother.

Every time I post a thread like this or post about how I feel, these thoughts flood in. I don't know if I'll ever get over them. I don't know if I even understand whether they're false or not.

Sorry for bothering you guys. There were much better things to do than read this post, and I've just wasted a few minutes of your lives.

Clinical depression by definition means feeling depressed when there is no clear reason. Money is nice, and there is a lot to be said for not having to worry about how to pay your bills, but it doesn't make your life perfect. Depression is an equal opportunity employer.

You may have answered some of your own questions to a degree in your post, but only you know which ones and to what degree. Everyone needs someone to talk to when things aren't going well, and when they are too. Depression can come in waves, and when it hits, its on your mind all the time. Is it possible that you are worried that other people will think that you are just trying to get attention?

People who don't suffer with depression tend to shy away from being around those of us who do, but part of that is their own discomfort. They don't know what to say, have no answers and don't feel like talking about it. I think constantly thinking about how bad you feel is part of the depression package. It makes you feel like you aren't as strong as other people, are responsible for things that you aren't responsible for, and leaves you searching for a reason why you feel the way you do.

There are no insignificant cuts when people are injuring themselves. Some people may think that and there are Dr.s who seem to feel that way, but it all comes from the same place. Pain inside. There is a similar feeling for some rape victims. If they haven't been severely beaten, tortured or what ever else on top of being raped, that somehow makes their rape less significant than others. That just isn't true, but some feel that way, just as you feel that shallow cuts are not significant. I know its a strange comparrison, but it came to mind when I read your post.

It sounds like you are stuck at an impass right now and having trouble getting past it. You are doing a lot of soul searching, and if talking about your thoughts is something you need to do, then go ahead. I don't think anyone here is going to tell you to stop obsessing. Maybe there is something you are afraid to face because it is too painful or you just aren't ready, so you get stuck. When you are ready to move ahead, you will. Hopefully your therapist will gently guide you through this. Use the forum as a sounding board. Its hard. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else does. Remember that.

Sam2

I think that's one aspect of it.

Thankfully I've never been a victim of rape, but I understand what you mean. It does remind me of something else.

I'm always stuck in my thoughts. And I don't have a clear sense of self, so I'm always thinking about that as well. I've always lived in my head; I've gotten used to it. But I'm not used to sharing it all with people. I've talked to counsellors for several years, and I still can't get over the feeling for bothering them.

I just wanted to say that that affected me most of all. Maybe there is some bigger reason behind how I feel that I haven't found yet.

Thank you, Sam. I can only hope I take all your words to heart. I just can't help but feel you put too much time and effort into a post I don't deserve to receive.

I know what you mean about bothering people - I also feel that a lot of people would have been better off if they had never met me. I am fighting myself each and every day because I think I'm trying to get attention from other people by making them see I'm not feeling well. Is it a cry for help or am I just pathetic and manipulative? I hate the idea of me just manipulating people into feeling sorry for me. I think I have done that a lot before and it's the part of myself that I hate the most and fight with most often.

I also think it's okay and necessary to have someone to talk to, even to get some sympathy sometimes. Everybody deserves some attention.

Just so you know, I spent quite some time on your post and I don't see it as wasted time in the least. I am so relieved that I am not the only one who thinks about this.

Take care

Hello, Bark! I read your post and think, "This reflects a deep internal struggle between self-preservation and group-preservation." Your pain -- my pain -- is genuine. We can't ignore it. That pain is a sign something somehow is threatening our existence.

Now what do we do? We're humans -- social animals. Do we call for help from our fellows in hopes of saving ourselves, or do we judge ourselves in our wounded state as a threat to the group, and thus go off by ourselves to die or isolate ourselves and cope as best we can while not "infecting" the group?

I struggle with this. Maybe I don't struggle in the exact ways you do, but I struggle. Bark, you are posting for others besides yourself.

As rohag said, you're posting for others as well as yourself. It has helped me and others so never think its a waste of others time. I don't always know what to post and then I come across someone who says it for me and I read the responses and it helps me understand myself. Thanks

((((Bark)))) what you wrote resonated for me and helped me. As did the responses.
Thank you

Like Rohag says above, "you are posting for others besides yourself."

By the way, have you ever noticed that people's assessment of themselves is very apt to bear little correspondence to . . . well . . . to anything at all?

I know I can feel guilty for absolutely anything at all, even when it doesn't have anything to do with me (maybe very, very remotely). And I know that how I feel about myself is totally different when I'm normal than when I'm depressed, and I can't explain that. Is that somewhat along the lines of what you meant?

Bark, yes that is very much what I'm talking about.

It sounds to me like you may be a person who believes in taking responsibility readily, and you might actually go overboard in that direction. I've read that that is a tendency that many depressed people have. Maybe somewhere, early in life, we were given a lot of responsibility - or - just felt it was on us to fix more than we could have, or should have.

Once I went to a psychiatrist (a long time ago) who kept saying to me, "What's the big problem?" Then he would respond to anything I cited by saying he didn't see it as all that big of a problem. Later I thought to myself, "Well isn't that what anxiety and depression are all about?" I mean, if fear and sadness were proportionate to the real threats and losses in our lives, then they would be just that - fear and sadness. By definition, anxiety and depression are excessive dysfunctional reactions. They occur when we are stressed beyond our coping ability. At least, that's my understanding. It's very tough to go around in life in that state.

But we didn't choose to have these responses. At some level, we do feel, as Rohag says, "that something somehow is threatening our existance." If that doesn't seem logical, well . . . the human mind is certainly not all about logic.

I think we feel as we do not because we are persuaded by the logic of our response. Something else is at work. Sorry, I don't know what that is . . . but it is potent.

As far as people seeing us for what we are . . . I think they pretty much do (given enough time.)

I believe your distress is real. I don't believe you are claiming distress, as a means to get sympathy. I think you would much rather not feel so distressed. Here at PC, you have company in that boat.