[akekaomen]

I can't keep up with work while I'm feeling this depression. I'm
constantly unable to concentrate, so I'm trying my best to just
get by without anyone noticing that I'm barely able to get my work
done. What's worse is that after sleeping, my commute and work, I
have about 4 hours a day to myself and my family (maybe 5). It
just starts to get to the point where I always want to finish the
week so I can relax and do things for myself on the weekend. But
then I don't bother doing anything around the apartment to help
out. I'm lucky my wife is tolerant of me.

I guess this is what everyone feels, so I need to accept it. I can't change the situation right now because of my daughter's illness and our need for the money.

It also makes me mad when I know other managers in my department
work on weekends and nights. I can't handle doing that, so I feel
left behind. I'm like the least of all the managers I guess as a
result. But then again, when I get home, I've already put in 13-14
hours including my commute.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I can't keep up with work while I'm feeling this depression. I'm
constantly unable to concentrate, so I'm trying my best to just
get by without anyone noticing that I'm barely able to get my work
done. What's worse is that after sleeping, my commute and work, I
have about 4 hours a day to myself and my family (maybe 5). It
just starts to get to the point where I always want to finish the
week so I can relax and do things for myself on the weekend. But
then I don't bother doing anything around the apartment to help
out. I'm lucky my wife is tolerant of me.

I guess this is what everyone feels, so I need to accept it. I can't change the situation right now because of my daughter's illness and our need for the money.

It also makes me mad when I know other managers in my department
work on weekends and nights. I can't handle doing that, so I feel
left behind. I'm like the least of all the managers I guess as a
result. But then again, when I get home, I've already put in 13-14
hours including my commute.

HI.
Since I'm not that familiar with you, this is kind of winging it. Part of depression is feeling like you want to pull away from others. It doesn't matter that you love them or that they are usually the highlight of your day. Self isolation is part of the package.

I know your job is important to you, and it sounds like you take pride in your work. That being said, now is not the time to worry about whether or not you are the best manager. When you are in a situation in which you have limited physical/emotional resources, its time to prioritize. Depending on your boss, you might want to have a frank discussion with him about your limitations at the moment. Not necessarily about your depression, because you never know how people will react to that, but you might want to tell him that you are having some difficulties trying to deal with your daughter's illlness. Its not really a cop out. I'm sure that does put extra demands on both your finances and your emotions, and most people are understanding about illnesses. Particularly when they involve children.

Does your wife understand how depressed you are? I know its hard to admit when things are getting out of control. We are told that we have to be strong for our families, and that as men, we should just suck it up, but better she know than come to her own conclusions. You may not think that the changes you are experiencing are that noticable, but spouses do notice. So do kids. Be as honest and open as you can be with your wife and let her know that you realize how hard she is trying to support you.

If you aren't in therapy at the moment, you might want to consider it. You love your kids and your wife, and if you don't really want to for yourself, do it for them. I'm sorry if you are already in therapy and this last is redundant. I'm glad that your wife is supportive. Depression can be a real strain on a marriage. See if you both can sit down and figure out a list of things you need to prioritize. That will include her in the process, and she might be able to see things with a clearer head.

Sam2

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

...when I get home, I've already put in 13-14
hours including my commute.

That in itself is depressing. And it's depressing knowing you can neither leave nor function on a desired level at your current situation.

How to maximize your down and home times when you (anyone) don't have the energy or focus to maximize anything?

[akekaomen]

avoiding people is definitely part of the depression. I have no desire to work with anyone. I just want to be with my family all day.

I think what makes it harder is that this may just be in my head. I'm still part of the manager's meetings and am asked to give my opinion on things. I just got cut out of one thing that honestly I didn't want anyway, but my manager probably forgot I was going to do and gave it to someone else.

The past couple of days, I've been acting as a coordinator for a manager higher level than me that I do not report to, so it always feels like I'm better at helping others coordinate problems than to solve them myself. I can't handle my own paperwork.

I guess I need to give myself permission to not be the "best" right now. I'm not terrible. I'm just trying to get by. No one talks to me about performance, so I have to assume no news is good news. At least around here, you don't really get praise for doing well at your job, only if you don way more than your job. I think that's why others are motivated to check emails after work and stay late, etc... They want that praise. If you do you're job, you're really just considered average. Well that's where I have to be now.

[Rohag]

Hmmm...

Originally Posted by akekaomen

...it always feels like I'm better at helping others coordinate problems than to solve them myself.

Maybe there's where you will make a mark for yourself, even while depressed. Ironies abound...

But yes -

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I guess I need to give myself permission to not be the "best" right now.

[akekaomen]

I had to leave work early today. I almost started crying for no reason. I only have 8 hours of time off (we combine sick and vacation), so if I take tomorrow off, I won't have another day for 2 weeks at least. It's been hard with time off, but I really don't know if I can handle going in tomorrow. I guess we'll see what tomorrow morning brings.

I feel like a failure even thinking about not going into work. I don't know if I will ever be able to earn enough time for a proper vacation week. My daughter's illness forced me to use up so much and my own depression caused me to miss a lot of days. My paycheck is all we have, so I have to be able to make it the next two weeks without taking time off so I don't go unpaid.

Honestly I really can't take the day off tomorrow anyway. It will look bad and I'm sure I will be looked down upon for not being able to hold my own through tough times.

[allimsaying]

I dont really know what advice to give you. I know the fear of missing work. I hope things get better.

[RJ78]

Hi,

I just read the thread and I wanted to offer you my support. I know working through depression, particularly when it's acute, can be so difficult. I had several panic attacks/crying bouts in my office last fall and all I thought about was how I was going to get fired. But that never happened; in fact, I've been thanked by several colleagues for my dedicated work.

Keep us posted?

RJ

[akekaomen]

I didn't sleep well last night which weakens my ability to cope. I have decided to stay home today and try to take care of myself. Hopefully it will be enough to last a few more weeks rather than needing time off every couple weeks. I plan to try to work on some creative things today so I can hopefully do something that makes me feel good about myself rather than sleep all day.

Thanks for all the support. It's not an easy decision and I'll be second guessing myself for a while, but I feel like the responsible thing to do is to protect myself from an outburst. Not sleeping much on top of this depressive episode seems to warrant staying home. I see my therapist on Tuesday and my psychiatrist again in a couple of weeks. They can't help me much more than they already have, but maybe something will come up to help me.

[akekaomen]

So it turned out that while I took friday off to recover from my depression, the person who I manage was physically sick after being at work during the day. She had to cover something that came up and then had a major physical ailment.

The fact is she has a lot of problems physically that everyone in the office feels horrible for her and wants her to get better. I'm naturally frustrated because for me, it means I get no attention or am looked at being weak with my mental health issues (which are seen more as "being a negative person" or "not attentive" and such).

You can say that depression is as real as any physical illness all you want, but it doesn't help. The fact is everyone really believes it's a will power issue and that I just need to get over my feelings or I should just go to therapy and be fine. It makes me mad that I've got problems at all when I'm physically fine and not facing such difficult things as this other person.

But my feelings don't matter in comparison. I can't say anything to anyone or I end up looking like an uncaring jerk. I just don't have the empathy in me at this time. I'm trying to fight my own battle to function.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

The fact is everyone really believes it's a will power issue...

Unfortunately, this too is what I've seen among many folks in the "real" world; it's considered a lack of will or even a moral or personality defect.

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I'm trying to fight my own battle to function.

Strength to you for that fight, Akekaomen.

[RJ78]

That is very frustrating.

RJ

[akekaomen]

I'm mad today because the idea that I'm not working as hard as another manager got rubbed in (most likely unintentionally). There's a possibility that there will be a big storm on friday, but there's an important practice meeting for an international committee meeting on Friday. The meeting is practice for Monday, so they will meet regardless.

This other manager lives about as far away from work as I do and this storm could cause us a lot of problems. I wanted to get a sense from her if she would stay home if it was bad, but the office didn't close. She then tells me about the practice meeting and that she has to come in regardless in case there are changes.

Well the part that burns me is that a month ago, our manager sent an email saying that I was the one who would make the changes if needed. I found out last week that I wasn't not because I was told, but because I wasn't given any of the information. Now my manager is on vacation and I'm feeling like crap because I can't be the big shot to be there for this.

What's worse is that I don't want to be involved with this meeting. So I'm conflicted. I'm mad that I got cut out of this but mad at myself for being happy I'm not dealing with it (or didn't try harder to get it).

How could I not have self-doubts. Now I'm at work and I don't feel like doing anything. Basically if I can't get any praise for doing my job, then why bother...but I need the money, so I have to somehow motivate myself. It's just everything I have to do takes so much energy and thought. I can't just do mindless work right now until I feel better, so I'm now too distracted to start any projects/finish things.

[RJ78]

Hi, how did the rest of your week go?

RJ

[akekaomen]

The week went OK. Just the paranoia bothered me a lot. We had a snow storm and I didn't go to work on Friday because of it. I was charged time off even though they were only open until noon. But I didn't want to get stuck in the city and unfortunately that means I don't get pad for a little more than an hour (I didn't have a full day in my time off pool).

The paranoia about others in the office being better than me or getting ahead rather than me is too hard to cope with. I've brought this up with my providers and I take meds to help and know some techniques to fight it, but it's so hard and emotionally draining.

It's another week and i'm trying to just accept the fact that I didn't come into work on Friday and have to make up time over the next 5 weeks so I have time if I get sick. I have to be stronger and not take time off at all. I haven't had a vacation in a few years because of these flair ups

[avlady]

i'm sorry for your predicament, i hope you feel better soon, i'll pray, like i do everyday especially for people on here.i don't think you are a bad person for not empathising with the other person, we all have our own problems, and it's not your duty or anything like that to feel sorry for anybody. i'm sure deep down you care you've got too much on your plate now to see clearly, so i hope your depression goes away too.