[lowhope]

i'm tired of spending every day dealing with guilt and self-loathing. i've been seeing a therapist but it hasn't been helping too greatly. most of the time i avoid alcohol because i used to use it as a crutch and it's put me in bad places or made me do things that only serve to humiliate me. i just want everything to stop and to quit feeling weighed down and unhappy with myself.

[Leed]

Hi Lowhope ~ I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly. You know, sometimes we have to change therapists if we're not getting what we need. I've changed therapists a couple of times until I found one that "clicked" with me. If you can't relate to your therapist, then it's just not going to work!

So why not see about getting another therapist? Or else have a heart-to-heart talk with your present therapist and tell him that things aren't going well and you need to talk about ----- and tell him EXACTLY what you want to talk about. Tell him about the self-loathing and guilt, and that you need help to get rid of it. If you've already told him about it, then tell him he's not helping you get rid of it, and maybe he'll change his "procedure." But he needs to do something!!!

You have to remember too that alcohol is a depressive, and if you're already depressed, it just serves to worsen it. So stay away from alcohol!

And please don't hate yourself. You're JUST AS good as anyone else. You're JUST AS deserving of respect and love as anyone else. And why do you feel guilty? I seriously doubt you killed anyone. I doubt that what you feel guilty about isn't your fault! So drop the rocks! You're a GOOD PERSON and we care about you! God bless you and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Sam2]

Leed's comment about finding the right therapist is very true and also very important. If you are going to find relief from your pain, you will need to talk, sometimes about personal things. If you don't have the right therapist, its unlikely that you will open up fully.

Is your therapist a psychologist or psychiatrist? The psychiatrist can perscribe medications, while the psychologist can't. You may need something to help you temporarily while you are going through the worst of your pain. Some people have both a psychiatrist and psychologist, though that sounds a bit expensive for most people. Its possible that a psychologist could work with your family physican and he could perscribe some meds.

Leed is right, you are an important person. No one deserves to go through depression. Sometimes I think that the pain of depression exceeds many physical pains and illness. Its emotional, can't really be detected by physical tests, tends to alienate people whereas physical illness often brings visitors and sympathy or empathy. Many people are uncomfortable talking about emotional feelings with someone who is suffering from them and that leads to feelings of isolation and being "unworthy" of help.

If you aren't already, try keeping a journal of your feelings that you can look back on. A journal will help you identify triggers that make you worse and those that make you feel better. Trying to remember things without a journal can be difficult and may cause feelings of uncertainty as to what you were feeling on a certain day. You can use your journal as a personal guide, or take it with you to therapy. If you have it with you, it will serve to help you tell your therapist what you were feeling and when. It may help your therapist help you even more.

Sam2

[lowhope]

thank you both for the replies, they made me smile a bit.

i do like my therapist, however i don't know how much we accomplish. some things he says are helpful, other things aren't. my therapist can't prescribe medications, but maybe he could refer me to someone. otherwise i can try looking in to it. i've tried three different ones in the past, each had side effects i couldn't handle and then i quit trying. i've considered possibly looking into it again, i'm just a bit weary of medication.

i definitely know alcohol is no good. i used to depend on it quite heavily. i've always had problems in social outings and groups, and alcohol helped to make me more talkative. however, i have no ability to moderate and it typically drove me to doing something embarrassing or stupid. i hadn't drank for months before the other night when it was like a switch in my brain happened and i thought it sounded like a great idea. ultimately ended up doubling the horror of it all by messaging people i don't actually want to speak to (and who don't want to hear from me) on facebook, one of the strong downsides to social networking. that embarrassment is just one example of a lot of things i continue to relive - i wish i could remove those thoughts from my brain! haha!

journalling might be a good start. perhaps it would fortify for me what places i should avoid or what i should avoid if i don't want to repeat behaviour that only makes me feel badly. it's unfortunate that i have problems trying to speak to other people, i'm naturally a bit more reclusive. however, it all builds up and i so badly want to go out and do something... which is where going to a bar is something very easy to do.

[allimsaying]

Your post rings with familiarity to me. Im glad you recognize the harmful effects of too much drinking but Ive been there so I know how it feels to just want to escape and forget.

[lowhope]

too bad you never forget for too long, allimsaying. and drinking usually adds insult to injury. suppose the remedy is time and positive thinking, even though those don't always sound like the easiest tools.

[Sabra]

Good morning,

Oh my, drunk facebooking.....before, it was only drunk dialing. I haven't had a drink in many years, but I still feel that horrible guilt I used to feel after calling and being an ***.

I am glad you are considering meds. I was in therapy for 3 years before getting on drugs that helped me. I had 3 therapists before finding one I could work with. My first therapist was okay, we just didn't click. The next 2 therapists were crazier than I was.

Therapist # 4 is the one who helped me get through a ration of crap. It took me 2 years of testing before we dealt with the very difficult issues. I didn't want to have to tell her what I was thinking, I wanted her to read my mind. I don't know if you have that issue......withholding the information that needs the work. It wasn't the least bit helpful.

You're open to taking meds, being honest with your therapist or even seeing a new one. You are on the right track. With all that going on, you are moving in the direction of a safe, sane world.

Sabra

[unhappycamper463]

Yea I just went through this on Sunday and I hate myself for what I did. I know I hurt someone that I care about and there's nothing I can do to take back my actions. I threw out my alcohol on Monday morning and I hope I can distance myself from her so I can protect her from myself. Other than that I don't know what I can do.

[lowhope]

yes, sabra, it has the tendency to linger even months or years later. my therapist said it is not something to be too ashamed of, too bad it is easier said than done. i wish 'drunk me' hadn't made the decision to contact anyone... but it happened and now i have to deal with it. now that it's been a couple of days, i don't feel as embarrassed, but the feeling still comes in waves at times.

i do have a bit of a wall. in daily life i am quite guarded, so i still have a bit of a guard up with my therapist even though i know i should be spilling all. i'm sure it will take some time. part of my drinking was not being able to deal with and process all emotions properly, so that's something to work on.

it's good you got rid of your alcohol, camper. i know i can't drink any alcohol.. i'm not someone who can have a beer or a glass of wine. it's all or nothing, and i'm much happier with nothing. if you're similar to me, it's probably best not to drink. you should look into reading up on healthy vs unhealthy guilt. you recognize that you did something wrong and you should extend an apology to her. that's all you can really do, and if she doesn't accept your apology, then move on from it. once again, it's easier said than done, but there's only so much you can do.

[unhappycamper463]

I took a couple days off from talking to her and she actually messaged me today asking how I was doing. She's such an incredible person, I don't even comprehend it. I apoligized to her today for being such a narcissistic douchebag and putting her through the darkest night of my life (I suppose it's so far but hopefully it's ever). I'm going to try to give her more distance because I don't want to hurt her. She deserves better than what I am.

Prince says it the best. First time I've actually listened to the lyrics (only wanted to hear the guitar solo) and now I'm breaking apart. I don't know if it ever gets better. I feel like I'll never have a better image of myself no matter what I do. It's funny that being an egotist is the only way to self hatred. I actually think the pills are kicking in today and I felt better this morning chemically. Now I feel anxiety and guilt for not ****ing wanting to put a bullet in my head.

I never meant to cause you any sorrow.
I never meant to cause you any pain.
I only wanted to one time see you laughing.
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.

[lowhope]

that's good that she asked you how you were doing, she obviously cares. i know that it can be difficult, and a lot of the time it is easier said than done, but you have to stop beating yourself up. your actions don't define you. you aren't a bad person because you acted badly, you're simply a person who acted badly. you can make the choice to learn from it, as we learn through trial and error. if you want to speak to her and she wants to speak to you (which i presume from her reaching out to you, but do not know for sure), don't punish both of you. if you genuinely want to see your past, and what happened on sunday, as a lesson, then you can make amends with what happened and move on. you can choose to better your life and strive towards goals that you want to achieve for yourself.

i've been working hard this past week to accumulate the tools to see things differently. what i said to you come a lot from what i've been reading and trying to ingest this past week. i'm trying to journal daily now to learn to deal with my emotions (i've never been good at dealing with them), and to better myself. writing things down can be vindicating and helpful. perhaps come up with a list of goals or values; things that you want for yourself, things that matter to you. adapt your behaviour to your goals, don't adapt your goals to destructive behaviour.

[unhappycamper463]

what have you been reading?

[Sabra]

[quote=lowhope;2946884]yes, sabra, it has the tendency to linger even months or years later. my therapist said it is not something to be too ashamed of, too bad it is easier said than done.

I haven't had a drink in many years, but I still feel that horrible guilt I used to feel after calling and being an ***.

What I meant to convey..........I remember what it was like waking up and realizing what I had done the night before. I wasn't refering to a specific incident, just a generalized guilt and shame I used to feel. I will try to be accurate in the future.

Hope you are doing well today,

Sabra

[lowhope]

i'm doing alright today, thanks. and i'm on the same page with you.