Does it ever feel like your mother never wanted you and had you out of obligation and loves you out of obligation? It's how it feels with my mother. I can't shake it either.
I keep hoping that I'm only imagining it and I'm seeing the glass as half empty but I really don't believe that's what it is.
The youngest of 5-the 4th girl, she wanted a boy-her husband, my bio father wanted a boy too and then he wanted her to abort me-she couldn't out of religious/guilt reasons.
Why would your mother tell you when you're a teenager that your father wanted you aborted? And they both were disappointed that I was a girl 'cause they wanted a boy?
Why?
And she wonders why I was so rebellious back then?
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[Christina86]

Hi Jax,

No, you're not making a mountain out of a molehill. That is a perfectly reasonable response (in my opinion) to someone saying something like that.

I was told something along the same lines, I was going to be aborted because of my physical disability, that my extended family was pressuring because of a previous problem with another relative being born with one.

Parents shouldn't say that sort of thing, even if its the truth. The truth can and does hurt. And just being thrown at you too, thats too horrible.

I hope that your mother isn't loving you out of obligation, and I do doubt it. She does love you, maybe not in the way you want but I bet she does.

*hugs* and take care.

Thanks Canders. I really want to believe that she does, too.
Maybe you're right about it being her not loving me the way I want her to. That's a very insightful consideration.

I'm sorry you had the same kind of experience. I'm glad you're here.
(((((((Canders7))))))))

[Christina86]

Hi Jax,

I really have to thank my first counsellor for the insight, different types of ways people show they love or care for one another ...

***hugs*** Please do take care okies?

[tita]

I'm sorry you feel badly. my situtuation is differant but I can still really understand. My mother didn't want me either (she had me at age 13) One of her favorite sayings I was a mistake and I ruined her life I shouldve been an abortion too. it took me a long time to figure that those were her issues, But as a teenager I was very rebelious (also hurt.) but finially when I got phisically sick
and my mother rejected me again I will always want a mother but not one that will verbally and phisically abuse me. I try to be strong now I succuced most of the time.
I knew My father so did she, I loved Him very much and she hated him but he loved spending time with me ,he never hurt my feelings too. (I miss Him very much)
''Hugs'' Crista

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="red">WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING>>>
</font>



<font color="purple"> (((((((((((((jax)))))))))) I do relate to what you are saying.... I honestly feel that my mom had me hoping I would be the fixer of all that was wrong with her marriage to my dad.... Of course I didnt fix anything... I believe this because when I was young I found letters that my mom and dad wrote each other when he was in an asylum.... As I got older I would periodically re-read those hoping to find that I misunderstand those letters, but no.... My mom never actually told me she didnt want me, but she said and did things that stated the contrary.... She told me that when I was a baby, toddler, and young school age, that when I was napping she would leave me alone in the house and run errands or visit neighbors up the road... The worst thing she ever told me was that when I was around 2 she tried to drown me in the tub.... Her way of trying to get me out of a hell life... My dad at the time, up til I was about 17, was a drunk, plus he has mental health issues, and he is a VietNam Vet with PTSD.... So growing up sucked..... Anyway, the timing of her attempt to get rid of me was not too long after she misscarried twins at almost 6 months.... My mom also has jealousy issues because she felt replacable where as my sister and I were his girls..... Now both parents try hard to make it up to me... We do now have a great relationship... They are Christians and are wonderful grandparents.... So there is hope... Unfortunately the truth I know will never be erased from my memory... So I constantly have that feeling that everything they say and do now is out of guilt and obligational love..... I do forgive them for all in thepast, I have come to understand much of the why's , I dont necessarily agree or phathom being that way myself, but thru counseling, talking openly with my parents, journalling, prayer, and analyzing, I do have a much more better understanding of the why's of their actions....

I wish you peace and knowledge that you are loved, wanted and cherished.... I am glad that you are here.... ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))</font>

Hi Canders,
I'm trying to take care. Thanks again ((((Canders)))
Hi tita and Serenitywave,
Thank you for sharing your stories with me. It's sad to know Mothers can be so mean to their children and make them responsible for their mistakes.
I'm sorry you've gone through such pain.
Tita, I'm glad you're succeeding in spite of things-it shows your rebellious spirit. I hope you find someone who brings you the love and acceptance you deserve. Some mistakes are good mistakes and I think you're one of those good mistakes. (((((((Tita))))))
Serenitywave, It must be hard to be fully open to them in spite of the changes they've made. I think trying to understand their actions instead of feeling responsible for them is a great way of going about it. You're thoughtfulness is very kind because it allows you to forgive them and that allows them to try to love you in a good, positive way. I'm glad you're here, too-thank you. ((((((Serenitywave)))))))

[lenjan]

Jax, absolutely I feel that way about my mom. I'm an "oops" -- she got her boy on the 4th try and thought it was over, then 8 years later I showed up. My whole life, she has told people she planned to take up golf when she turned 35 and got pregnant instead. She thinks it's hysterically funny. But combined with her other actions and words toward me, I don't find it amusing at all.

I don't want to get started, because I could easily hijack your thread with a billion awful stories about my mom, but I did want to say that I understand how you feel. For a long time, I put up with her because every time I thought about telling her off, I heard my dad's voice in my head going, "SHE'S YOUR MOTHER." They both think (thought, in dad's case) that that trumped everything; that just because she gave birth to me, I owed her. She's 77 now and can't understand why none of us want anything to do with her -- she had children to have people to take care of her in her old age, after all.

My mom never demonstrated to any of us, as far as I know, that she loved us or ever wanted us. She got married and had babies because that's what good little girls did in the '50s. Had she been born later and had more choices, I don't think she ever would have married or had kids. She's too selfish.

It took me a lot of years, but I can safely say that I no longer feel obligated to love my mother just because she's my mother. It took even longer not to feel guilty about it, but I got past that, too. You aren't required even to LIKE people just because you're related to them (I have that problem with my oldest sister, not the one I'm living with -- had we met on the streets, we never would have been friends and probably would have been mortal enemies).

Sorry for rambling -- hope you work through this. Let me know if I can help.

Love, Candy

[Rhapsody]

Sadly..... many children feel exactly as YOU do -

Hi Candybear and Rhapsody,
Thank you for your responses.
Candybear, I'm sorry your Mom (and your sister) hasn't been a very nice person to you.
I can't imagine your not loving your mother though. It's like my bio father. As bad as he was and as much I don't want to admit it-I love him in spite of myself. It's ingrained into us to love our parents regardless. We may not act on it but it's there and we'll always crave for it to be reciprocated. So, Candybear, I think you put up a good shield but you're still vulnerable. I think Canders is right when she talks about forgiveness and understanding the reasons behind their actions. I believe it's the healthiest way to overcome heartaches like feeling like you weren't wanted. ((((((((Candybear))))))))
I do LIKE/LOVE my Mom. If she weren't my Mom I think I'd be completely in love with her. She is a great person. But she's not good at being a nurturing Mom. She tries but she never got it herself from her mother so she doesn't know how to become it 'cause she's never learned.
Rhapsody, I know and it's comforting but heartbreaking, too. (((((Rhapsody))))))))

[lenjan]

Jax, my mom was my abuser (I'll leave out the method). I've put up with her crap for way too long, and I just decided I wasn't going to take anymore. So I don't. She's a very mean-spirited person (others comment on it, not just her family) and very difficult to like. It makes my stomach turn to say I love her, because it's not true. Frankly, the longer she lives, the more she torments me, and it will be a relief -- possibly the first I've ever had from her -- when she dies.

May sound horrible, but it's true for me.

CB

[(JD)]

(((jax))) I feel for you, doubting the reason behind any love. Sometimes we just have to accept what we get.. and I hope you can be thankful for any love and kindness she does show, even in her own way.

It must be tough to doubt someone's love...and consider "obligational" but I assure you, ppl, even mothers, who don't want to love, don't. Maybe your mom loves but she feels awkward or ashamed or something? IDK. TC!

[allthegirls6]

my mother hates me as a matter of course.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Jax ))))))))))))))

(((((( all on this thread ))))))

(((((Candybear))))))) I'm sorry.
Hi Sky,
(((((Sky)))))You're right about being thankful for the love she does give-I am thankful.
Hi ATG,
Is it just you or you and all of your siblings? I'm sorry it's like that for you.
((((Allthegirls6)))))

((((((((Fuzzybear)))))))))

[allthegirls6]

Jax, thank you for asking, its just me she hates. I have 5 other brothers and sisters but it seems to be me she hates. Its quite a revalation to actually say it out loud. Sorry for hyjacking your thread.

You didn't hijack it at all, ATG. I understand completely.
It sucks. I don't think she actually hates you though. I hope not. Are your sisters and brothers kind to you or do they follow your mother's actions?