I've lost myself! I need you!

I’m such a loser in life! I don’t work… I don’t have “real” friends; I mean to see in person. I’ve gained weight, feel no motivation what so ever to exercise. I can’t even take care of my own kids properly.
I feel as a fake… maybe I am a fake… I don’t know. I try to be there for others… I laugh although I’m feeling really down. I fight, but not really… I don’t know… I don’t want to feel anymore, because I feel too much.
My brain isn’t functioning like it used to. I can’t think straight. I feel… but I can’t get it out. I want to lay down on the floor and just cry. I can’t find words anymore… I turn quiet talking to friends. It’s like I’ve got porridge in my brain. Sticky messy… catching my words, before I even get to know them. Even my mother felt sad today… asking me why I’ve become so silent. She hasn’t got anybody to really talk to anymore, she said. I feel so bad, because I know I haven’t been there for her much lately. She has got a depression. The thing is she’s been very harsh in her tone about how we treat our son. He has Aspergers disorder… she just don’t know enough about it. My hubby and I are fixing a meeting with the persons handling our sons matter, so that she, my dad and my hubby’s parents can get some more info. I’m doing everything I can to make both our kids feel as good as possible! It’s hard work! My boy hits his sister…laughs at her to tease her… He’s been hitting me…
I’m worried about my daughter and how she’s feeling in all this. We’re doing a lot of work talking to psychologists and so on… to see that we get help… But everything takes such a long time! A LOT of forms to fill in!

Then recently I found out about me having Asperger too… I’m having a hard time accepting that. My OCD has turned worse in some ways.

I’m not good enough… I have nothing more to give. I hate it! I want to give, that’s ME! But I can’t anymore… I’m hollow. I feel so much for my friends and others… but I feel so helpless not being able to really help.
I find it hard to really show my own emotions… I want to be taken care of, to be loved, to be held… but at the same time I feel so vulnerable.
Who am I? What can I do?

What if others think I’m only faking my emotions for others? Do people think that I’m just pretend to care? Do people think that my words of compassion, is just words without no meaning? I can’t stand it if that’s what others think about me!

I need love… oh how I need to feel loved and liked! But I feel ashamed of myself feeling that need. I need to be there to listen to others and to try to do what I can for them. But I’m having a really hard time… admitting how I’m feeling myself.

The only way I can get some of my feeling out in the open is through my writing. But… when I feel really low, I can’t write. It’s frustrating!

To write this post, is big for me! I feel vulnerable now… I just had to get it off of my chest!

Am I pathetic… living in Sweden… never going to be able to see you guys in real life? I’m mean is this for real? Maybe I’m just thinking too much again…

I need you! Yes, I do! So much!

A confused and crying Nina
Thanks for reading!

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad Poetrylover (sorry, can i call you Nina?).

Sorry I am not feeling that great either, so not too sure what advice i can give you. Just to let you know that people care about you. It is hard when one hits rock bottom, but try to hang in there and be gentle with yourself…

If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. I'll be there to offer support or just listen. Sending you strength (((Poetrylover)))

Hi Poetry Lover,

You're anything but a fake.

I know you're a good mother.

You just have a lot of different things you're dealing with right now -- none of which are easy issues. Try to be kind and gentle with you.

Hugs and love,

EJ

(((((((Nina)))))))

I know I don't know you very well (I hope to though), but if it's any consolation at all, I care and I do know how you feel. Please do something nice for yourself, something just for you. And please pm me anytime.

Love,
Sujin

Oh Nina, sweetie, I know you're not a fake. It comes through so loud and clear that you're honest in your caring.

could you let us take care of you for awhile? i volunteer......love you, pat

Thank you all for caring! Yes, Pat... I need to feel cared for. I feel so anxious right now... had to take a pill... hasn't set in yet though. Long time since I had to do that.

Nina, your post touched me deeply, for in all the time we have known each other, you have never spoken out so frankly and with so much need.

You are so very far from the way that you see yourself, but in that same breath, I can only say that I fully understand.

I want to write more to you. That is all I think I can offer right now.

Love you friend!

S

nina, your not a fake.... your my friend, i wish i could reach my arms out and give you a hug and sit with you and try to asure you that you are a lovely person, mother, wife, friend...
i know how you feel about only letting your feelings out in your writing and how when your low the words just wont come, i and i think (i know) i can speak for katheryn we think you are doing such a great job with your children, you deserve a medal made out for ' worlds greatest mom '.

and whats this about you saying you are pathetic ?
you cant really think this can you , with all the help you have given to me (even if you dont know your doing it) your words in your poems touch me so deep

thank you poetrylover for being my friend , your a star.. you are an angel

we are here for you

Thank you Sabrina! You're a true friend!

Kathy & Dec! You're amazing! Thank you, for your compassion and kind words!
I didn't know, that what I write mean that much to someone. Dec... your writing is both deep, filled with love and a sense of humour. I like it!!!
Kathy... I know how you're fighting in life... you're a GOOD mother!

((((((((((((((( Nina )))))))))))))))

Thanks, Fuzzy!

Sigh...

((((((Poetrylover))))))
It's going to be okay. I think you're being too hard on yourself and not giving yourself the credit and respect that you would probably give to anyone else. Hugs to let you know you're loveable and then more hugs but tighter because you probably don't believe it.

Your post has really touched me.I am way down in New Zealand and you might be living in Sweden but I read what you said and understand how you are feeling right now,and I wish I could express how much I care for you.It sounds to me like you have a huge amount on your plate and you are feeling overwhelmed by it all and being there for everyone else.You are obviously a very good friend to many and that speaks volumnes about what a compassionate caring person you are.Please know that you are a tremendously worthwhile person and many care greatly about you.I hope that you can just quietly spend some time doing something just for you and not be too overidden by others needs right now. I am thinking of you and am here for you.You seem too have a deep understanding and great insight.I only hope you can know that you arent on your own and things will improve, they always do.The light will burn brighter.

Awww (((poetrylover))) Everyone has some reason for being here on this earth, imo. When we begin to compare ourselves with others... there just isn't any good that comes from that, imo. We all do it though. sigh.

Maybe now is a good time to reevaluate your life? Take stock of everything that is true... as it really is...not just as you think it is...but as you and your spouse think. Beginning with the care for your son, I think, would be a positive thing to note? You know the problems and many of the solutions... why even listen to others who you feel don't know??? Give no weight to their words, except that they care??

If you are dissatisfied... write down why if you can... remembering that depression tells us lies... if you write something spouse disagrees with, it comes off the list (for now)

Sometimes when we try and look at the big picture it is...well... TOO BIG!!! Pick out small things... do you want it changed? Can you change it? If so, do it, if not.. move on to something else.

Putting one foot in front of the other... plodding along... is how the tortoise won the race, remember? Consistent effort results in great rewards... TC!

"Into you so far the words go.
So much clearer than you hear.
Into you goes everything I know.
No one else knows how I feel.

Only chance can change my fortune,
so I'm not sure why I try.
As if I could swim the ocean
as if you could start to fly.

Farther down, I'm desperate for you,
where you never have to know.
Farther down, I'm still without a clue,
'till something takes my pain away."

That's all I can say. I hope you feel better.

HI! Your post touched me so much. I really know how desperate and tired you feel. Every day I wonder why I get out of bed. Every day I have to convince myself to live. But I'm glad I do. When feel myself getting out of control, scared, angry, ashaemed, I remember my smile, my laugh, my courage. I think what has given me the grace to live, is my faith and my desire to fight. I tried to commit suicide once, and I saw my husbands face in the hospital afterwards. I realized that maybe know one is going to completely understand me in this life. But I'm not fake, I'm amazing, I can do anything because I'm special. I'm not just anyone. You are not just anyone. No one can be you, and you are incredible. Don't lose hope, at least try and get a Dr. to talk to. It would really help. I have two!! You are not alone, I'm here, way far in distance traveled, but not in spirit.