[Music Rules Me]

Once again, it's been a while. Nothing's better, but I'm still alive here, so that's something.

In the time I havent been on here, I've been thinking and have realised some things which I never really have thought about before.

1. I am ill. I suppose I never thought of depression as a real illness, but really it's as much an illness as physical issues, isn't it? It causes pain and suffering and can sometimes be fatal.

2. I can not keep on living like this. God only knows how I've managed to live in this state of mind for as long as I have. And I know I won't be able to keep this up forever.

3. I can not get better. I don't remember a time before I was depressed. All I know is myself with depression. During this time, all of the things I even have a slight interest in have developed. Writing, sketching, painting all came about to help me cope. Acting I took up to be someone other than myself for a while.
My guilt complex makes me considerate of everyone around me, and makes me have a conscience and not be an evil nasty person. This comes from being depressed too.
If I lost my depression, I would also lose everything that makes me ME. I don't know who I am without it. That's if I am anything without it.

4. I am as scared of dying as I am of living. The only place where I don't have either fear is when dreaming or daydreaming. I'm stuck in this constant limbo, from which I cannot escape.

So basically, I'm just as scared and confused as ever. But now I know that I can neither live with this, get better, or kill myself.

Does anyone else understand this at all?

Sorry for the long post. Hope you're all well. xxxxx

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

Does anyone else understand this at all?

Yes. I feel just like this.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

I can not get better.

Yes. In view of my history, I have better things to do with my limited psychic energies than hope for significant remission of symptoms. Some days (hours, minutes) are better, some worse.

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

I'm stuck in this constant limbo, from which I cannot escape.

Yes again. I've taken up residence in limbo, or at least its outskirts.

[allimsaying]

It does sound like you've hit the wall. Not being able to get better is a real awakening. An honest evaluation is good when depressed I think. You can now measure exactly what options you have. Depression is fatal. If things cant get better, what things do you like, even a little, right now?

[gma45]

I understand completely. I have been doing some reflecting back on my life and I don't know who or how I would be either, as this is all I know.

[Music Rules Me]

I dont know how I should feel about these replies. On the one hand, knowing that people understand this or feel similarly makes me feel a little less alone. But on the other hand, it makes me feel like I want to give each of you a hug, because I hate these feelings and it's a horrid place to be.

If things cant get better, what things do you like, even a little, right now?

I suppose I like my acting, my artwork and my writing, so I do try to do those to take the edge off things, but my issue with that is that I'm not very good at them. So I dont know how much longer I can keep doing them while they dissappoint my friends, my family and myself by "wasting [my] time on pointless things" that always turn out badly.

[allimsaying]

I hope you dont believe Im being careless in my response. I actually care very much whether you heal or make the ultimate decision.

But it is your choice to make. Is what you have right now enough to keep you going? Is it possible there's something you havent thought of that, if you knew of it, could change your mind about giving up? How will you know, if you do decide to give up, whether or not you've missed something?

Keep in mind that our minds when depressed are tricky things. What does your heart tell you?

[Fuzzybear]

[Music Rules Me]

But it is your choice to make. Is what you have right now enough to keep you going? Is it possible there's something you havent thought of that, if you knew of it, could change your mind about giving up? How will you know, if you do decide to give up, whether or not you've missed something?

I don't know if what I have is enough to keep me going. What is keeping me going is the guilt of throwing away everything my parents give to me, and the fear of dying. Then again, the fear of living is always with me too. So I don't know.

[douglas76]

Your post was both enlightening and a little worrisome. I can relate to a lot of what you said, but what struck me the most, and the part that stood out the most was this:

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

If I lost my depression, I would also lose everything that makes me ME. I don't know who I am without it. That's if I am anything without it.

I am me, would the me without the depression, would the me without everything that is causing me heartache, pain, and suffering. Would me without the suffering be different in such a way that those who love me would see me different, act around me different, not love me? I don't know if I want the me without the baggage if it means that I can't be loved by those that I love.

Just my thought on losing depression and thinking ot would make you lose who you are or make those around you love you less. No, if anything you would be inviting more love into your life because you would finally have learned that depression is not "who" you are, but something you are being. But if that's where you want to be that's where you'll be. Don't get me wrong, I can look back and see myself making that list. But you can get better. Being in misery becomes comfortable. Change is hard.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

Change is hard.

Yes, that is true. My biggest challenge. The progress is very small for myself.

I am familiar with most of what you have written Music Rules Me.

I am trying to process my whole situation, but it's not like some challenges I had before. It is like my progress sloooooooooow.

[Music Rules Me]

Change is hard, yes.
I would love so much to rid this depession.
But is the change worth it?

Because everything that I am seems to stem from this depression. All of my personality traits. All of my hobbies.

I dont know whether they'd stay with me if I lost my depression. Perhaps they would. But the risk that I'd lose them is just too high.

If one of your friends changed completely, their personality, their hobbies, their attitude towards everything, would you still want to be friends with them?

And that is why I feel I cannot get better. It's too much to lose.
I've lost my love for myself, I cannot lose my love for my friends.

[gracez]

Love isn't based on these things alone... I have this experience of loving people even though they've changed drastically.

I'm also depressed, but - what could be better than being happy? That's all I want! When you're happy everything else falls into place, everything feels ok

[jrae]

If you know that you can get better and get rid of your depression (most or all of it), then it should be worth it in the end.

I myself cannot remember a time in my life when I did not have depression. From what I can remember, I've had it my whole life. The thing for me though, is that I can't get better. I've tried so many things for so long and nothing has worked.

So if I had your chance to get better, I would take it. I've lost almost everything - I have no friends! If I was you, I would take my chance to get better and see where it takes you. Remember, not everyone gets that chance!

[allimsaying]

> What is keeping me going is the guilt of throwing away everything my parents give to me, and the fear of dying. Then again, the fear of living is always with me too. So I don't know.

My worry in attaching my reason to live to the expectations or worries of others can only serve to make them happy, not me. You need a personal reason to live that isnt subject to the un-predictableness of others thoughts or opinions.

I dont really fear death, its going to happen to all of us and I dont think it will be a bad thing if Im even able to be consciously aware of it. However, the process of dying is something I think about. There are certain ways I wouldnt want to go.

Living is, at times, scary. It is also, at times, awesomely beautiful.

> Because everything that I am seems to stem from this depression. All of my personality traits. All of my hobbies. ... the risk that I'd lose them is just too high.

This is similar to the person who never changes kitchen pots because the ones she has are somewhat functional and familiar. At times she may think about getting the new set but sentiment prevents her from doing that. She fears giving up the old set will leave her with nothing to cook in. Its possible she wouldnt find a set as good as the one she's used to and so she continues using the old set, ignoring leaks and broken handles.

> And that is why I feel I cannot get better. It's too much to lose.

It sounds like you believe you could get better, but choose not to because of your friendships and likeable hobbies. Would you stop liking them if you werent depressed? Are you saying your friends only like you if you are depressed?

> I've lost my love for myself, I cannot lose my love for my friends.

You dont need to lose your love for them. You would regain your love for yourself if chose to. Even if you couldnt get better, you can still choose love for yourself and friends, even if they cant love you back.

[happy 2 b here]

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

Once again, it's been a while. Nothing's better, but I'm still alive here, so that's something.

In the time I havent been on here, I've been thinking and have realised some things which I never really have thought about before.

1. I am ill. I suppose I never thought of depression as a real illness, but really it's as much an illness as physical issues, isn't it? It causes pain and suffering and can sometimes be fatal.

2. I can not keep on living like this. God only knows how I've managed to live in this state of mind for as long as I have. And I know I won't be able to keep this up forever.

3. I can not get better. I don't remember a time before I was depressed. All I know is myself with depression. During this time, all of the things I even have a slight interest in have developed. Writing, sketching, painting all came about to help me cope. Acting I took up to be someone other than myself for a while.
My guilt complex makes me considerate of everyone around me, and makes me have a conscience and not be an evil nasty person. This comes from being depressed too.
If I lost my depression, I would also lose everything that makes me ME. I don't know who I am without it. That's if I am anything without it.

4. I am as scared of dying as I am of living. The only place where I don't have either fear is when dreaming or daydreaming. I'm stuck in this constant limbo, from which I cannot escape.

So basically, I'm just as scared and confused as ever. But now I know that I can neither live with this, get better, or kill myself.

Does anyone else understand this at all?

Sorry for the long post. Hope you're all well. xxxxx

Yes, I do understand. I also spend a lot of time thinking about my mental health issue, which is chronic depression. I have been depressed since my teen years, had my first panic attack, that I remember when I was 18. I am now 65. I am not the only one in my family who has mental health problems. Maybe you aren't either. Your parents, may in fact, be of some help with this topic. In my case, both my father and my mother's family shared this illness. My daughter, started having panic attacks, when she was in her late teens, and, when I look back at her early years, I was always concerned that she may show some early signs, and she did. We never discussed the subject, until she had her a panic attack on her way to work and called us, very upset. Since then, we try and share how we are doing. I don't want her suffering and feeling alone, like I did. I always thought I was the only one in the family that was experiencing this, because no one talked about it. Depression is more accepted by the medical profession now, and having celebrities come forward and talk about it, is all very positive.

Please keep looking for the answers and keep hopeful. If I can be of any help, please let me know