[KBellam]

Please help.

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and of course, the subject of starting a family has come up. However, I am 22 years old, and have been fighting with depression and different medications for the last 9 years. Frustration is the emotion that comes to mind.
So here is my problem, I want to start a family. With every inch of my soul. The very thought of having that little bundle of pooping screaming joy makes me feel the happiest I have felt in a very, very long time; but I am on medications and have clinical depression.
What do I do? Will a baby help me with this depression?
My husband thinks I should stay on the medication and still go to therapy, however I am convinced that a baby will help me through all of this. Give me a reason to smile and get better.. you know
Please help me, all opinions are welcomed.
If you need any more information, I will be glad to share

Thanks so much for your time.
KBellam

[NWgirl2013]

No, you can't really look to an infant to make your depression go away. That's putting a big burden on that little bundle. And that doesn't even touch postpartum depression, which can be really bad.

Your depression may be lifted temporarily, but your husband is right that you need to maintain your care. Things to watch out for like hormonal changes, mood changes, will mean you need to be Extra watchful of yourself because you have the life of a little one in your hands, not just your own.

And @ 22, you are still really young. Getting married changes your life, but having a child REALLY changes your life. It is a bigger commitment than marriage if you ask me.

I wish you only the best of luck as you go forward...

Just my personal opinion but I think that would be a terrible mistake for all concerned.

[Pierro]

Hello KBellam, Personally speaking for me having a baby made my depression worse. Like you at the time I wasn't on any medication, I was depressed before I became pregnant and along with having a baby I had the depression to deal with. I'm being brutally honest and began to blame the baby for the way I was feeling. You have to look after yourself firstly. You are only a young woman and have all the time in the world. I don't mean to rain on your parade but from personal experience it was very difficult. Best wishes.

[Cheshire Grin]

My best friend suffers from mild depression, from time to time, and doesn't currently take any medication for it at all. She's been married for over a decade now. She had the full support of her husband, and family, when they decided to have their first child. My poor friend went out of her mind with depression during pregnancy plus had post partum depression. It happened again when they had their second and final child. My friend has had a lot of support from family and friends, but I really can't imagine a person with severe depression being able to be as good a parent as every child deserves.

A child is a nonstop responsibility that lasts a lifetime.

Hello, NWGirl,

These members are all right in some of their suggestions. I would add only that, in my view, you need to discuss the possibility of having a child with a psychiatrist who can
tell you whether you should remain on any or all medications for treatment of depression
while you might be pregnant. That's the really big one to consider, that and the fact
that having a child will not heal depression. It will be a chance you take if you try
to get pregnant believing that an infant can solve your problem.

An infant makes demands like no one else you will ever know. I think that's why mothers are given an unconditional love for the child; otherwise, it could be very distressing for
you while the child is too young to be responsive to your love. It will know only its
own needs and will expect you to be right there under all circumstances.

I know the first smile the infant gives you is a lasting memory; my husband was enthralled when our little daughter smiled at him when he first held her. Your husband will need to play an exceptionally helpful role for you in the initial stages; if he's willing to do that, it can help with the responsibility on your shoulders.

Whatever you decide, please continue therapy; you will need that support, too, in
case the decision is to try to go for a child. Remember that you're only 22. You might
still have a beautiful child even at forty; you certainly will have matured greatly by the time you're in your thirties. (The one disadvantage of that is that the child often thinks she/he was born to "ancient" parents!)

Good wishes on whatever you decide to do.

[a bland]

I don't think a baby will pull u out of depression. But I will say the I'm 23 and married and also wanting to get pregnant. Now I have schizophrenia and all I hear is people telling me stuff like "what if u pass it down to ur child?" and "people like u shouldn't have kids!" and it really hurts my feelings. I have a great marriage and I work and I go to school! So why is everyone telling me I can't handle a baby! I think if u really want a baby and have thought about it long and hard I say go for it. But don't rely on ur baby to make u happy cause that not fair to the child. Just makes sure ur ready to handle that kind of responsibility.

[KBellam]

Originally Posted by a bland

I don't think a baby will pull u out of depression. But I will say the I'm 23 and married and also wanting to get pregnant. Now I have schizophrenia and all I hear is people telling me stuff like "what if u pass it down to ur child?" and "people like u shouldn't have kids!" and it really hurts my feelings. I have a great marriage and I work and I go to school! So why is everyone telling me I can't handle a baby! I think if u really want a baby and have thought about it long and hard I say go for it. But don't rely on ur baby to make u happy cause that not fair to the child. Just makes sure ur ready to handle that kind of responsibility.

Thanks so much for your input!

[KBellam]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

No, you can't really look to an infant to make your depression go away. That's putting a big burden on that little bundle. And that doesn't even touch postpartum depression, which can be really bad.

Your depression may be lifted temporarily, but your husband is right that you need to maintain your care. Things to watch out for like hormonal changes, mood changes, will mean you need to be Extra watchful of yourself because you have the life of a little one in your hands, not just your own.

And @ 22, you are still really young. Getting married changes your life, but having a child REALLY changes your life. It is a bigger commitment than marriage if you ask me.

I wish you only the best of luck as you go forward...

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me

[Rose76]

I would suggest a different goal for you. I would suggest that you make it your goal to get sufficiently recovered over the next year or two to be in a position to start a family. That would mean making it your goal to be off medications by then. I would recommend seeing starting a family as the reward you could give yourself for having achieved some level of recovery, not as the means to recovery.

Achieving recovery would involve being able to keep to a schedule of activity that eliminates things that are characteristic of depressed people like spending a lot of time in bed. I would say gradually expect more of yourself, in terms of activity level. Depression isn't just a state of mind; it is a whole lifestyle. Fake it until you make it. When you can sustain a normal level of activity, then - and only then - are you a possible candidate for the rigors of motherhood.

The wonderful thing is that, at age 22, you have time on your side. In two years, you'll only be 24, which is, like, the most perfect time to have a baby. Think of the next year or two as kind of like being a boxer in training for a championship fight.

[Shadow-world]

I think Rose has some very good advice there.

I would do the same if I were your age or even in my thirties. In my case, I have made huge steps over the last few months to recover and feel so much better than last year and especially the year before: new and better work environment, I've started driving again and I believe a lot more in myself and I think would now be in a much better position to have a partner and even a child.
As biology is not on my side any longer, I'm thinking of looking into other ways such as adoption to fulfil my dream.

As Rose said, you still have the chance of having a biological child and have a partner so try to get yourself to a better place and it will be so much easier.

[newlifeyeah]

hey!
I think you should trust yourself, if you know what would make you happier don't step off that route. on the long run, nobody else can tell you what's the best for you, but you.
So if you imagine yourself happy with the baby, and you trust your instincts, then that's what you should do. You've been depressed for a long time, and if it's been on and off for 9 years, I honestly don't think, skipping a year from meds could do any wrong.
I mean, you say you're depressed, you're under medication, but still depressed, you go to therapy and still depressed... Do you actually change the things in your life that make you feel this way? Because you can go to therapy and take meds for decades, but if you don't change your life, and the way you look at yourself, and deal with life, then you will stay depressed.

I mean come on. I might sound cruel, but sometimes people tend to forget that depression is mainly a mental condition, that only can be solved if the mental/life problem is solved.
we can take meds for as long as we want, but it will only help with the symptoms, but not help with solving the problem.

This what I wrote doesn't count for the ones who are suffering from a chemical imbalance since birth, but clearly this is not your case.

Trust yourself, only YOU know what's best for you, not your husband, not your therapist, and not us, completely unknown people speaking from behind the computer on a depression forum.

How can you be sure, newlifeyah, that it isn't a chemical imbalance? People who
have chemical imbalances need not be born that way; traumatic events can provoke
a chemical imbalance and lead to depression, bipolar illness, any number of things.

And her husband is definitely involved in what's best for her and for their child if one
is going to be born into the family. I think this involves both of them in a planned
parenthood venture---just in my view.

[newlifeyeah]

Originally Posted by genetic

How can you be sure, newlifeyah, that it isn't a chemical imbalance? People who
have chemical imbalances need not be born that way; traumatic events can provoke
a chemical imbalance and lead to depression, bipolar illness, any number of things.

And her husband is definitely involved in what's best for her and for their child if one
is going to be born into the family. I think this involves both of them in a planned
parenthood venture---just in my view.

i have no idea about her husband's part. I was just trying to point out that you have to do what you feel that will make you happy. and never let anyone tell you what's right for you, because nobody knows, but you.

that's the same even if you have a chemical imbalance or you don't have. in fact, you shouldn't even care about these untouchable theories, just try to make your life better by doing what makes you happy. (or if you're not capable to feel "happy", then just do what you feel like doing, what comes naturally, what you feel comfortable with.)

These are not "untouchable theories". They are facts that most people on the forums
are aware of. Newlifeyeah, she called for helpful advice; I think we all were trying to
give her that. In fact, I think the title of her thread was "Need some helpful insight..."

As a woman married for many years and having had a child, I am aware of the husband's
role in caring for an infant with his wife since it's to be "their" child, not just "her" child.
In a marriage, it is important that both partners are happy with a major decision like
planned parenthood, and that's what she's talking about, in my view.

[newlifeyeah]

Originally Posted by genetic

These are not "untouchable theories". They are facts that most people on the forums
are aware of. Newlifeyeah, she called for helpful advice; I think we all were trying to
give her that. In fact, I think the title of her thread was "Need some helpful insight..."

As a woman married for many years and having had a child, I am aware of the husband's
role in caring for an infant with his wife since it's to be "their" child, not just "her" child.
In a marriage, it is important that both partners are happy with a major decision like
planned parenthood, and that's what she's talking about, in my view.

If you are in a similar situation, or have been in your life, as her, of course you can give some insight, and that's fine. What I'm just trying to point out that you have to trust yourself and your desire, for what decision you make about your own life. and with that I would never give an advice about such a personal, serious difficult question. People with depression tend to have low self-esteem, and we tend to rely more on what people on the outside are saying. And that sometimes can help but sometimes it can confuse, and make things even worse.

It's okay to ask for insights, I just think that the final decision has to be hers, and has to come deep from her heart. There is no such thing as a good decision, if you have passion for something, or if you want something, you should go for it, even if it sounds silly or sounds like not the right thing you should do. But I understand your point too.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by genetic

These are not "untouchable theories". They are facts that most people on the forums
are aware of. Newlifeyeah, she called for helpful advice; I think we all were trying to
give her that. In fact, I think the title of her thread was "Need some helpful insight..."

As a woman married for many years and having had a child, I am aware of the husband's
role in caring for an infant with his wife since it's to be "their" child, not just "her" child.
In a marriage, it is important that both partners are happy with a major decision like
planned parenthood, and that's what she's talking about, in my view.

chemical imbalance is a theory and even many shrinks don't believe it anymore. Don't pass it as fact. Just because people spew it doesn't make it a "fact".

[newlifeyeah]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

chemical imbalance is a theory and even many shrinks don't believe it anymore. Don't pass it as fact. Just because people spew it doesn't make it a "fact".

thanks.

the main point though, is to try everything you can, to make yourself happier. There are no limits what you can try.

I rely on my psychiatrist's view of chemical imbalance, though it may it is possible that
some longer accept that. I believe it, not only based on my psychiatrist's view of it, but also because I know my own reactions to psychotropic medications and condition without assistance of one or more from time to time. I don't think I could be considered to "spew" information out there.

Newlifeyeah, I don't think anyone meant to direct her thinking. As a person who has
had deep depression in my life, I still rely on professional advice and my own instincts
about what is best for me. If the thread called for insight, as it did, that did not intimate that she was expected to follow that information given. The insight was intended to let her know others' experiences with planning and having a child, which is what almost everyone on the forum who posted tried to give her.

[venusss]

Reactions to meds... so if few coctails make me less socially anxious and less embarrased to dance.... do I have ethanol imbalance?

how suprising is it, that mind alterning substances make you feel different? Nothing wrong with that... but it doesn't really prove that much. Especially considering the fact that very little group of people can just pop a pill and feel better without doing anything else... most of them need to solve their life issues as well. And I am not talking of eating right merely... it involves interpersonal relations, spiritual questions for many... finding one's own way...

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Reactions to meds... so if few coctails make me less socially anxious and less embarrased to dance.... do I have ethanol imbalance?

how suprising is it, that mind alterning substances make you feel different? Nothing wrong with that... but it doesn't really prove that much. Especially considering the fact that very little group of people can just pop a pill and feel better without doing anything else... most of them need to solve their life issues as well. And I am not talking of eating right merely... it involves interpersonal relations, spiritual questions for many... finding one's own way...

__________________________________________________

I suggest that you go online and ask the question "Is there a chemical imbalance in the brain in some depressions?". I started a longer article, but since the information is out there about new research on brain chemistry imbalance in some forms of depression, I see no need to defend a position widely held by researchers in the area of depression.

To suggest that ingestion of ethanol would cause chemical imbalance is ludicrous. Of course, it does, but only in a temporary state.

Severe depression is completely different in degree, treatment, etc., and it can easily be (and often is) a chemical imbalance. Suggesting that people solve their inner problems is wonderful; that's what most people who suffer from severe depression have tried to do all of their lives, in some cases.

It is true that the pharmaceutical industry may have promulgated the use of antidepressants years ago in an effort to promote the sale of SSRIs, but more recent research has led to credibility of the treatment, particularly of severe depression as a chemical imbalance, which still seems to be widely
accepted by the medical field requiring treatment with use of medications that increase serotonin neurotransmitters.

I will also point out that, years ago, bright psychiatrists (referring here to my own) warned about the use of alcohol with librium treatment--it might have caused coma. This is the type of warning considered a "black box" warning for drug interactions with alcohol.

Blue Mountains is right; the use of alcohol often is a hot subject on this forum.

[venusss]

I used the alcohol example as absurd example. IN meaning "cuba libres cure my dance anxiety". Not that ethanol causes it.

as for chemical imbalance, I am pretty sure that newest fad is brain inflammation or something. Anyways, since we don't have any proof, I think it's kinda weird to suggest somebody online they got it...

I am one on the forum who has suggested that some psychiatrists consider bipolar illness a condition in which a portion of the brain fires too rapidly. It was told to me by my psychiatrist who is a graduate of Duke University with a doctorate in psychiatry. I have never known her to be untrustworthy or inadequate in her explanation of information regarding the treatment and conditions in bipolar disorder for me. She is, in addition, one who lectures on the subject of bipolar illness.

She said, also, that psychiatrists do not know why that portion of the brain fires too rapidly. I would add that, at this point, doctors probably do not know but will, in time, come to some decisions that may enable many with bipolar illness to understand more about their own roles in pro-active care for this disorder.

I don't consider a psychiatrist's knowledge of the condition of bipolar illness in some to be "a fad".

I do agree with you in one respect: spiritual life has a role in alleviating problems in life which
might include bipolar symptoms. I have read Emmet Fox's book entitled "Around the Year With Emmet Fox", and in it, he states that there is nothing that psychotherapy can do for an individual that prayer cannot accomplish in an equally satisfactory or superior way. Now, I'm off limits for the forum discussion, so I will let this subject drop.

[Trippin2.0]

A baby is thee greatest blessing ever! .... But it will consume you, your life and your time for many years to come, unless you plan on dropping it in the arms of a nanny after you give birth.

Seriously it will, you can't even take a dump without consulting baby first! i.e. Is baby safely in the crib...etc.

I love my daughter to bits, I'd lay down my life for her in a blink of an eye, no questions asked. But I won't deny that parenting is hard work, it is a challenge that needs to be mastered, but with ever changing rules.

Just when you mastered this tiny baby who's skin can tear and needs a routine so baby can learn to sleep through the night, gotit great! Then baby reaches a milestone and is teething, so now you have sad, screaming baby who's gums are on fire and baby is back to not sleeping! So you master crabby baby and then baby can crawl, so you have to learn new strategies, because baby needs different types of safety precautions, then you master this, and now suddenly baby is climbing up things it shouldn't be...and on and on it goes with each developmental stage. You have to grow as a parent and reach parental milestones in order to keep up with your child.

My head is currently spinning because I need to figure out how to tell a 9y.o where babies really come from! So yes, hard hard work, and this is coming from someone with a stellar support system where my daughter is concerned...

If the depression doesn't lift, or gets worse, you will need one hellava support system to help you cope as well as parent. Because as cute as they are, they can drive us nutso like nothing on Earth

I'm in favour of Rose's suggestion to take a year or 2 and prepare yourself for having a baby. IMO, that way when you do have a baby, she / he doesn't arrive with strings attached (your expectant happiness) and you will be in a much better place to be the best mother you possibly can be. This is a healthier and more balanced choice and will benefit all 3 parties involved.

That being said I can't tell you what to do, I can only share my insights and experience.

Idk if this is solely your idea or hubby's idea or if there are other reasons or influences that cause you to want a baby to make you happy, but I always tell people;

Be careful of making life changing decisions based on what others expect or want from you because ONLY YOU live with the consequences.

I have to say this though, kudos to you for reaching out and asking for insight, because I have a friend who impulsively got pregnant to "save her relationship" and that didn't turn out well for anyone. If only she had asked for some insightful input beforehand. Again, I'm not saying don't have a baby, I'm saying its wise that you reached out first so that you can make an informed decision

[Rose76]

I would point our two facts:

#1) No expectant mother is guaranteed a healthy baby. Things that can go wrong - right up to the day of childbirth - can result in a baby born with serious "challenges." You really don't know what the baby will be like, until after it arrives. What does arrive may seriously disappoint your hopes and expectations. I believe everyone needs a contingency plan for that. (How supportive would grandparents be of a "special needs" child?)

#2) There is no psychotropic medication on the market that does not pose a possible threat to the normal development of the unborn child. (Still, there are mothers who have had healthy babies after taking meds.) How much risk is "acceptable?"

These are hard, cold realities.

If you have been getting meds for 9 years prescribed by doctors who strongly believe in the "chemical imbalance" theory (and most doctors seem to), then you may have come to believe that you would be worse off without meds. That may not be true. Doing the math leads me to the conclusion that you started meds at age 13. By now, you are conditioned to believe that you must be on medication. Maybe it is helping. Who knows? Have you ever been off meds long enough to really know how you feel drug-free. Doctors tend to be biased in favor of meds. And, yes, I will say it is a bias. Prescribing meds is what doctors do. That's all they really do. They diagnose diseases and they prescribe medical treatments. That's what having MD after the name means. They don't have any special wisdom about life that the rest of the population lacks. Going to medical school doesn't give you that.

Anyone who is having a lot of difficulty with life probably does get depressed and probably does qualify for that diagnosis. I'm never convinced that the fundamental cause is mainly some disease of the brain. I guess that's my bias.

Having children is one of the responsibilities that helps a person mature. I think that having a child could help a person "outgrow" depression. To be honest, though, I would hesitate to bet a lot of money on it. Exceptional people do overcome all kinds of things. I guess the ultimate question is whether you have what it takes to be exceptional.