[Ohlostme]

I just don’t know what to do. I know that I have to fix my head, but I never seem to be able to do that. It’s because I truly don’t see a future that can be any different from my painful past, and that makes it really hard to figure out why to even go through the motions, if all there’ll be is misery.

My life, since childhood, has been filled with struggle with no rewards, deprivation, abandonment, isolation, persecution and disappointment. I was abandoned by my parents, no man has ever wanted to love me (use me, yes, love me, no). I’ve struggled and worked so hard for success in so many fields, but never really succeeded much in anything I’ve tried.

Since childhood I’ve been bullied by any sick SOB who wanted to pull the wings off flies and couldn’t find any better or any other target. As a child, I told myself that the situation was unbearable, but that it would stop when I grew up. (That’s what kept me going) It hasn’t. It’s like I wear a sign that says “kick me.” And altogether too many people are happy to oblige.

For the last few years I’ve felt numb. There’s been so much abuse for so many years, so much struggle for nothing, so much disappointment and isolation – I just can’t make myself WANT to try for anything new. Why bother, if nothing can ever work out for me? Dr Phil says that it’s insane to assume the future will be like the past. I say, why assume otherwise, when there’ve been consistent patterns your whole life? It should suddenly change? Why?

If I’ve been sabotaging myself, I have no clue how. In all fairness to me, I’ve worked DAMNED hard for no result. And I’ve been tenacious. And good. (I’ve always believed “it is no solution to become the evil we react against”) I’ve wanted desperately to make things better, but I just can’t seem to. If this is my karma, I’m at the end of what I can take. Everyone needs incentive to go on. I have none. Just despair.

I SO MUCH need a reason to rally and try again, and to believe that there can be something other than pain in my life, but I SO MUCH can’t come up with one. Every day is emotional exhaustion, disappointment, anguish, frustration, futility, emptiness, anger and no hope. I wouldn’t know joy if I fell over it.

I’m so tired of living with this mindset, and wondering how or when things will ever get better (and not believing they can or will). Where do you go to find hope when everything seems to be empty and futile?

[sadandalone22]

I know what you are going through I feel that way to I have been abused alot growing up and I thought like I had a sign on my forehead saying yes guys its okay to abuse me. I am having a hard time getting through every hour of the day but I manage some how don't ask me how I just got to remember I have people who cares yeah its people I pay i.e my therapist and my med doctor but hey its a start so if your not seeing a therapist I suggest one if not for real talk than to make you feel like someone cares and I don't know you personally but I want to be there for you I care you can talk to me and we can help each other get through each day and find some thing to hope for in life becuase I need that to.

Ohlostme, i cant believe how much that sounded like me when i was reading your post. i know exactly how you feel, and i think i know what needs to be done.

When we have a bad start to life, it damages our beliefs for the future. As children we cannot control how our lives pan out, we have to accept what happens and go with it, good or bad. we have to put or safety and trust in those around us, ie our parents, and when they hurt us it has a long lasting effect on us. we need to be able to find that source of trust again, that is within us, and use it wisely. there are people out there willing to be trusted and who wont let you down, its a good start to trust in us here at PC, we all care about you, more than you know. i know i do. When we are hurt by lovers who we want to just LOVE us, we are prone to be hurt alot, you can never force love. you can look for it yea, but dont force it. it will come naturally to you and your partner, and you will know when you have it too. hope for that if anything, because this is a truly immense feeling that warms the coldest corners of ou hearts. you have allt his to come, as i do.

I was bullied for most of life, even when i began my current job i was. when i left school i was an absloute state. i never left the house, cried ALL day, tried to commit suicide. wouldnt communicate with anyone i didnt have to. i was no one, and had no identity. i suppose i learnt to build it back up. i had a year out after leaving school before starting in my current job, and in that time i matured very quickly. and when i started my current job i was still scared of people, i felt very isolated, and i made myself an easy target to be picked on. but i suddenly realised that i dont need this, so i stood up, and rose taller than anyone around me. i put the bullies (or SOB's as you call them, i like that name for them hehe) into their rightful place. from then ive grown alot. i always stand up for myself, and i am a very caring person, and polite etc but if someone upsets me un-necessarily, they wont half know about it. so not many people do anymore.

i told you this because there is a good lesson in this, see, when i first started my job i felt like you do now, i had no trust, or faith that things will get better, had no proper sight of my future. but i went inside of myself and found the source for all of that and changed it. all of this lies within, and it is us, and us alone that has to change it.

i know you say you have worked so hard, and i know how frustrating it is to work so hard with no rewards. i think you should consider working on a different aspect of your life for the time being, put that hard work to a more productive means. You ask where you need to go to find hope, well dont look any further than your own self. it is within yourself, you just cant see it yet.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and it is yours to do with as you so wish. as an adult we can control our future. we cannot control nor change our past, as we were children then as i said. if you cant control your future, how can you expect anyone else to? do you see what i mean?

Ive seen some of your posts here at PC and personally i think you are doing great. the point of having such a painful past is to be able to turn it round and use it productivly, if it means helping ourselves grow on it, or using it to help others grow. Everything in life happens for a reason, fate i suppose you can call it. although we cannot control fate, we can decide to accept it and guide it down certain paths in our lives.

YOu need to look inside your self, and have a darn good look for that source i spoke of, it is there, trust me. When it feels life cannot get any worse, and there is no way out, this may be the time to look and see for yourself.

good luck ohlostme, and i hope you find what your looking for. and i want you to know im here for you, i will help you on your "quest" if you want me to be. just pm me anytime if you need me. you can trust me and others here at PC, as i wont let you down, neither will they

simon

[FaithisAlive]

Reaching out to you.... have you actually found healing within yourself for the awful, hurtful things that you have had to endure? This is important.I know.

Most of my life I spent dealing with the terrible things that happened to me.. I tried to rise above it all... leave them all in my dust so to speak....but I reached the point where I am now in my life and I can look back and see that I was basically treading water because i never actully found any healing from the pain I had suffered.

People use and abuse people like us because we are so open and kind and giving and so many are mean and selfish enough to take advantage of our loving spirits... it isn't because the world is out to destroy us as it may seem at times.

When the time is right, and when you are in a good place with your own healing, you will find a man who will love you for the beautiful person that you are.... just be patient and work on finding a way to heal those wounds.

As simon said.... we here care about you.. everything will get better.. you'll see...I'm an old lady.. i know what I'm talking about....HA!HA!.. Peace... Faith

[Ohlostme]

Thanks, Simon & Faith. I'm glad you're there for me.

Yes, I've looked inside myself, for years. I've read MOUNTAINS of self help books and been in and out of therapy. It's helped a little, I guess. But I feel like it's all caught up with me (the accumulation of abuse and failures in my lifetime - and the continuing bullying), and I just feel helpless to change anything and so weighed down by all of it, that I can't see daylight any more. As you say, Faith: "I was basically treading water because i never actully found any healing from the pain I had suffered." Me, too. I've tried everything, but I don't know how to heal when the abuse and failures won't stop. That's why I say I have no hope for the future. Because the nightmares aren't just in the past. They're current.

[Ohlostme]

I started posting to the Dr Phil board. Someone asked me about the abuse I've had to take in this life - they wanted specifics about how I'd been abused by neighbors, co-workers and strangers. I replied to the post with examples and now I'm depressed, remembering how badly I've been treated.

It would be bad enough if it were only the abuse, but it seems like nothing good ever happens to me to make up for it. No one can take only bad stuff indefinitely.

[rhubarbpie]

You ask where do you go to find hope when everything seems to be empty and futile? I don't mean to be flippant, but I go to posts like yours. It's reassuring they're others who feel like me. You're not alone in how you feel. I wish there would be reward from effort as I've worked damn hard also.

One other thing that might make you feel a little better. Yours was a very well-written post.