Don't know what to do anymore - reaching out

Hi everyone,

PC has become a bit of a lifeline to me since I joined in March. Just reading thru & trying to answer posts or sending hugs gives me some sense of ...something like relief, being in contact with others.

A lot of you who use this forum regularly have seen my posts and know that I'm pretty stuck in this depression.

I feel down and hopeless 24/7. I never feel a sense of accomplishment or usefulness from doing the things that I do - like when I clean the house, shower, or do some odd jobs. I never feel joy or see anything as beautiful anymore. Nothing feels interesting, so I don't do a whole lot. It doesn't interest me to go out biking or hiking, etc....things I used to enjoy I experience no enjoyment in, and I can't seem to develop new interests - there's nothing I want to do. I've tried "fake it till you make it", going thru the motions...doesn't work for me. My depression was set off by circumstances about a year ago - feeling of losing everything. I don't seem to be able to make my way forward.

I want to spend a lot of time in bed, because though I'm not a good sleeper and never nap, it's a bit more comfortable, sometimes easier to dull out in bed and push the unhappiness away. Of course I still feel miserable in bed and cry a lot, but it's a bit pacified. And there's nothing to "do" with my time that interests me, so I might as well stay in bed.

Nothing relaxes me anymore or makes me happy. Every day when I wake up I think oh no, another day, I don't want this one, how will I make it thru. And then somehow I do, painfully. I exist for the day. And then another. I try now to zone out as much as possible, but it's also not so easy to zone out. And doesn't seem like much of a life.

There's nothing I grab on to that keeps me going. I simply force myself to get thru another day and hope that it's another one ticked off a calendar. Suicide is not an answer or something I want, though I don't want to go thru the day. I don't know if that seems contradictory to you.

I am very physically healthy, and sometimes feel guilty because feel that I'm wasting a perfectly good life, while others have "real" problems like terrible health situations, etc.

I've been trying antidepressants since beginning of Jan., through a crisis centre that is kindly helping me even though they're only a walk in centre. This is the only resource available to me at this time. The past 2 had no effect, and I'm still wishing that this one, Prozac, has an effect (it's been 2.5 weeks). They told me to wait for a month and then call if it hasn't had an effect.

It's so hard to wait it out when you're at the end of your rope as it were. I did that on the past 2 SSRIs as well. I really remember the first time going when the psych nurse said take this, and get good exercise and food, and you'll really start feeling better. I had some hope. Now I rarely exercise unless I have to bike somewhere, and eating properly is often a problem - I am too upset to eat or unmotivated, don't see the point.

Now my head often feels like it's going to explode, I feel so emotionally upset and overwhelmed that I feel I can't hang on every day, even though I somehow do. As time goes on, it's been a year I'm depressed now, I feel more hopeless, like I can't get better.

Nothing I've read or done seems to help. I have little willpower to change anything now. Sometimes I try to remember to say some positive things to myself during the day for example you just did a job that was helpful to someone, good work.

Now I think I'm rambling and it's been hard to write clearly all along. This is too long of a post. What can I do? I'm really desperate and not knowing what to do.

Thanks so much for listening, it means a lot to me that you're here.

Gracez

You help a lot of us just by posting like this. It helps people like me know we are not alone. I hope you find some meds that will work soon. Until then hold on.

You often mention sleeping. Have you been sleeping a lot? Sometimes I find a little sleep deprivation helps with depression, and certainly that too much sleep kind of entrenches it. This may not be relevant to you, but I thought I'd mention it in case it was something else to try. Wake up early and listen to the songbirds. Birds are so beautiful - because they are all young. Any sick or injured bird does not live. Birds don't get old and arthritic. they are cut down the first time they are compromised. Nature is heartless, and as a result we are surrounded by beautiful, miraculous, young birds always. The sound of a bird makes my heart leap up or brings tears to my eyes. Well, you never know what you might observe if you get up early and look around and try to see things afresh, see through the curtain of shadows if you know what I mean.

Good night, Grace.

I was where you are 13 years ago with anxiety/depression - thought of suicide but decided I wanted to live and to live a happy life. I did the things I was told to do - medication and counseling. I finally found a support group which was very helpful (I still go to this) and I went back to work (this was hard to do but a good thing). Today I am much better. There is hope ... keep seeking.

Grace, I know it it hard to wait it out, but I believe you can do it. Have you thought about trying mood journaling? You may want to try that while you are waiting things out. Hugs in the meantime.

gracez, you help me by showing me that I am not the only one feeling this way. I would send you a friend request but I don't know how. In the meantime know there are others who are just making it moment by moment like you.

Thanks everyone, I am sending hugs to all of you. I don't want you to be in pain either, it's also terrible to hear that you are.

I don't like journaling somehow! I don't like thinking even more about my thoughts, which is where it somehow goes for me.

H3rmit - I don't sleep enough.

I don't feel that I can make it moment by moment. I'm really freaking out today, and keep having a gag reflex from crying. I'm so scared. I don't feel like I can do it, or that I can hold on.

I hear your words, saying I'm also waiting out the moment, I'm trying to hold on - but gosh, how. I'm totally on my own, and feel a huge scared can't. The pain is exploding.

Sorry you have been having a difficult time. To me, journaling is releasing the negative.

I always find the oral story telling as the most powerful. I am not doing it for feedback or answers, somethings are beyond those, it is for me, a release.

Again, I hope things improve for you quickly.

Thank you for sharing. So many of the things you say describe exactly how I feel most of the time. I've had worse batches (for months) at a time where I am exactly how you describe. And a few good days or a week and then back to feeling bad. Like the last few weeks have been bad and I just found this page/forum/community and it really helps to know you are not alone (or me, right now). I've been in and out of depression for years now. Thank you for sharing so much. It means a lot to someone like me! It's very painful. I wish the best for you. A big cyber hug sent your way.

I think this reply is quite thoughtful. I have derived some peace in response to it. Birds are quite exceptional, one morning, well sitting in my car, I noticed a " bird tree" , different birds came and went, it was as though they were doing a community check in, maybe they all were asking, Good Morning, seen any cat around ?

As hard as it is and as wasteful as it feels, you've just got to hang in there. I had a friend who was inpt as an adult at one time, and she showed me the list that she had been taught to make. It was a daily schedule w every step she was supposed to take the next day, things as basic as get out of bed, go to the bathroom, eat breakfast, brush your teeth etc. She made one for each day and checked off what she accomplished w no sense of failure for those things she didn't do. I'll have to ask her for more details, I was really suffering at the time and adopted it for awhile, it seemed so soothingly helpful. Also, keep us posted on how you feel and don't be afraid to let go. When I was at my worst I would leave my therapist long messages that I didn't want her to respond to, I just had to be heard...my form of journalling I guess. And one last thing, give some thought to meds that you think or have a sense may be helpful. I developed my own ideas about meds to try that in some cases turned out to be just what worked. You have to research them tho which I did thru other forums. But turning the corner takes so much time. Please hang in there and (((hugs))) to you

Im in a similar situation, you arent alone with this, even if that's sometimes what it feels like. It's just the depression making you feel that way i guess. Im sure you'll be fine again one day, dont give up!
I've had that sleep problem as well, i had so many nightmares, always the similar **** so i didnt even want to sleep anymore, i was and still am sometimes even scared to sleep..
I already tried moving my bed to another room and stuff like this but the nightmares still come sometimes and because of the depression you're tired all day anyway.
What helped me a little was go to bed at the same time each day, find your rhythme.
Also,i know sometimes its tempting to sleep during the day, sleep and forget the bad feelings for a while,but i think it makes it worse sometimes. You wontbe tired enough at night to sleep without waking up, try to sleep 7-8 hours at night, i hope it will help a little hugs tightly

Hi Hermit, xxhanna, Anna, Zuden, and everyone else who answered,

thank you. I don't find peace from natural things anymore. I used to love nature & hiking but it hasn't worked for me.

I have a regular sleep routine and usually sleep ok now with the help of Atavan. I sleep 6 - 7hrs a night. Very fortunate. I don't sleep during the day, never been able to, but I do stay in bed a lot.

I do all the daily things usually - showering, eating well again now, do some errands, occasional odd job.

But I feel really on the edge, so unable to cope & hopeless. Still. It's been an entire year. I don't have any belief that I'll make it thru. I haven't basically bec. I haven't improved. Hang on for what when you can't see any happiness or anything to look forward to? Best I can look forward to is being unconscious or finding a bit of comfort which only lasts a little while - from maybe staying in bed & reading. That's not enough reason to want to get up in the morning and go thru a day.

Sending hugs to everyone

Gracez

I'm sorry to hear your circumstances. I have been there in that stage of depression in which I take too much comfort in my bed and don't get out to enjoy anything or even do things that need to be done around the house. The right medications help. Cymbalta helped me at one point. And now I take a sleeping pill so I can actually get deep sleep which completely effects my mood in a positive way.. Insomnia was making me exhausted during the day and I needed stimulants to function. Try a routine and give yourself a pat on the back for even the smallest things. It may seem silly but give yourself credit when you take steps inthe right direction.