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#376
Jun 18, 2013, 07:03 PM
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These days I'm definitely at an all time low. Pretty much cruising on auto pilot. If it weren't for the fact that I live with my parents and they'd question me for it, I doubt I'd even bother to get out of bed at all. One other thing I notice is that I don't have much of an appetite, yet I still seem to crave junk food. Makes me feel terrible about myself once I realize I'm snacking for like the 5th time in the span of only a few hours even though I'm not that hungry =/
I have to get my car e-checked sometime soon in order to get the registration renewed. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow...I think they have a way for you to do it yourself so I may not even have to interact with anybody.
__________________
"The rain keeps crawling down the glass. The good times never seem to last. Close your eyes and let the thought pass."
'Prodigal' by Porcupine Tree  |
 Anonymous53876, Bark, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, Rachel.i, Turtleboy
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#377
Jun 18, 2013, 07:40 PM
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It went well w/ the HUD case worker, she said to call if I change my mind and decide to stay. My last day in TX will be the 31st of Aug--yep I'm here for summer.
 I need more time to keep recovering from the surgery--I really didn't expect it to take so long to get my strength back & and be able to do things like bend. She also said if I wanted to move out July 31st I could do that too, Just call. Then even though last year and this year I'm disorganized she thanked me for coming so prepared. I used to bring binders with all my info, so I could just pull out what ever was needed. She thinks I'm organized!!!   Then I went to the grocery store and bribed the taxi man to carry it all up to my apt! Feeling good & got supplies in!
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| Anonymous53876, Bark, gracez, lindammarie, Rachel.i, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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 Bark, Rachel.i, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#378
Jun 19, 2013, 03:28 AM
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I can't sleep!!
 Took an unexpected nap (as in, I lied down for a few minutes and next thing I knew 4 hours had passed) earlier and woke up at 9:30pm. I got up and had dinner, and then got into an argument with my mom. I'm still worked up over it. And now it's 1:30am and I can't go back to sleep... I'm going to be so sorry for this in the morning. Work at 6am. Ugh. |
| Anonymous53876, Bark, gracez, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie
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#379
Jun 19, 2013, 06:54 AM
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who knows....I am back in the "all over the place" place where I sort of swing in the wind. My emotions are all out of whack and my head can't figure out my heart who can't quite reach my soul.
Lost and alone is no way to go thru life. I think I will quietly make some noise. |
| Bark, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84
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#380
Jun 19, 2013, 06:37 PM
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Tried to do the e-check on my car today. I tried to use the self-service kiosk they had but couldn't find the port under my dashboard that I had to plug the thing into. I could have gone ahead and pulled into the garage to have it done by someone in there, but I was getting hungry and needed to get some lunch, and I felt kind of awkward and embarrassed after having spent like 10 minutes looking under my dash, so I just drove home.
I've started journaling. Whenever I get a depressive thought or other random thought that I think is significant, I just write it down in a Word document. It's a real stream of consciousness type thing, just typing whatever I feel without really thinking. Seems to help some.
__________________
"The rain keeps crawling down the glass. The good times never seem to last. Close your eyes and let the thought pass."
'Prodigal' by Porcupine Tree |
| Anonymous53876, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, Turtleboy
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| Bark
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#381
Jun 19, 2013, 08:34 PM
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Bad day.
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin  |
| Bark, bluedolphin92, gracez, herethennow, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#382
Jun 19, 2013, 08:50 PM
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Bad day, week, month, year, decade life it's just before I deluded myself that things would get better.
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| Anonymous53876, Bark, bluedolphin92, gracez, herethennow, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, Turtleboy
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#383
Jun 19, 2013, 10:32 PM
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today was ok, had a one day work job.. but still alone and lost in my head .only had a few moments of manic depression .. got home and help load my gdaughters stuff it was fun and her upbeat excitedness was fun .. I had to hide a couple times so she wouldn't see me start to break down, I am so happy she is moving on for her life.
all these years of raising my kids and grand kids ... now what ? I feel my life is completed.. I don't have no purpose to go on . this point was supposed to be our change our last years ... .. we live in such a bad way.. most people would be horrified by these conditions .. unimaginable to most .. so the truth .. I have been planning self termination for months... but I read on another thread of a gals pain her depression her hurt her familys hurt of there lose to self termination... and it burnt in my soul , I feel her pain .... so after all I have read ,n talked n all the bs. ... she touched my soul and made me realize what it would do to the ones I love and care for so dearly... thank you honeybee . you saved my loved ones from your pain .. cause I feel yours .. and could never do that now.. I send you love an hugs .. an thank-you for the awakening .. I hope you find your peace and understanding.... |
| Anonymous53876, Bark, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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| Bark, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84
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#384
Jun 20, 2013, 07:46 AM
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Quote:
I thought about it for a while myself...and realized my kiddo would be more hurt/harmed by that than anything I have done so far. Now I have a new attitude about my recovery....I AM worth it and I WILL fight back and I WILL beat this! Peace and Love and Good Happiness Stuff to YOU! |
| lindammarie, Nammu
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| Bark, gracez, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84
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#385
Jun 20, 2013, 07:50 AM
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It's just another day of working and dealing with myself and my emotions.
I am upbeat about some things and then down and depresed about others. I want so desperately to be loved again, and to share my love with someone that I have to keep the desparation in check. My divorce is not final for about 90 days...just gonna have to wait it out...once I have that closure and some healing time then I hope I can move on. |
| Bark, gracez, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#386
Jun 20, 2013, 08:34 AM
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tigersassy and sadeyes3533 ((((hug)))))
 hope everything gets better soon. it will.. it really will. sometimes we just need to take a blind leap of faith and keep on believing that it will.
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes herethennow: This ward is a prison! dx: recurrent MDD.
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is. |
| Bark, lindammarie
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| Bark, lindammarie
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#387
Jun 20, 2013, 08:37 AM
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i'm lost. i don't know what i want. i really don't. i'm supposed to feel happy... right? i don't know. it's like it's this vast forest that i'm stuck in and i don't know the way out.
the urges to si and sui are getting stronger and i don't know whether i can cope with this... on another note, since my neighbouring country is putting fires in their forests, the whole country i'm in is hazy and the pollutants standards index is at hazardous level and this is not helping the depression at all. 
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes herethennow: This ward is a prison! dx: recurrent MDD.
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is. |
| Bark, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#389
Jun 20, 2013, 12:07 PM
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Wish I could hide and just be left alone. There's no reason to feel this way, none at all.
I have 4 more hours left of work. |
| Bark, gracez, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu
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#390
Jun 20, 2013, 01:00 PM
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My moods gone down
I feel so angry at everything and everyone right now. I feel the need to cry, but can't.
__________________
"I wanna sleep forever, but I keep waking up." - highly suspect Last edited by IcryWhoAmI; Jun 20, 2013 at 01:54 PM. |
| Bark, gracez, herethennow, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#391
Jun 20, 2013, 06:07 PM
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Had a brief period of about an hour where I actually felt kind of okay. Didn't last though, unfortunately.
Earlier today I was sitting in the family room using the laptop when my dad just walked up to me, grabbed my wrist, and started shaking my arm. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was "shaking my hand." I get that he was trying to be funny but I just found it annoying and invasive. One time I few months ago he said to me, "You don't really like to be touched, do you?" I told him I didn't, which is the truth. So he knows I don't like to be touched but yet he keeps doing stuff like that. Now he's all in a bad mood like I'M the one who did something wrong.
__________________
"The rain keeps crawling down the glass. The good times never seem to last. Close your eyes and let the thought pass."
'Prodigal' by Porcupine Tree |
| Bark, gary290, gracez, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#392
Jun 20, 2013, 07:20 PM
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Miserable today, per usual. I got out of bed but got back in, stayed in bed as much as possible. Therapist asked me why I don't let go of the depression ?? I just don't see hope or beauty. I just want to stay in my room in bed and try not to think. I guess that's mostly what I do. Takes so much energy. I'm exhausted.
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| Bark, gary290, herethennow, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#393
Jun 20, 2013, 08:44 PM
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Feeling negative and starting to let myself feel anger. Not doing too well with it though. Its all directed at myself. Down the hole again.
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin |
| Bark, gary290, gracez, herethennow, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#394
Jun 20, 2013, 08:51 PM
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Down, down, down.
__________________
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain . |
| Bark, gary290, gracez, herethennow, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, Nammu, tigerlily84, Turtleboy, ~EnlightenMe~
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#395
Jun 20, 2013, 08:57 PM
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I just made one of the most difficult decisions in my life today and it relates to my dad..
I have not only delete him, but blocked him off of my FB page. I thinking I'm starting to cut him off of my life now slowly..
__________________
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| Bark, gary290, gracez, herethennow, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, tigerlily84, Turtleboy
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#396
Jun 21, 2013, 10:04 AM
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slapped on my always smiling mask and inside? as always, empty, sad... alone.
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes herethennow: This ward is a prison! dx: recurrent MDD.
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is. |
| Bark, gary290, IcryWhoAmI, lindammarie, tigerlily84
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#397
Jun 21, 2013, 10:25 AM
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Me too, herethennow. ((Hugs))
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| Bark, herethennow, lindammarie
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| herethennow
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#398
Jun 21, 2013, 10:31 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes herethennow: This ward is a prison! dx: recurrent MDD.
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is. |
| lindammarie, tigerlily84
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| tigerlily84
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#399
Jun 21, 2013, 12:16 PM
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Just made a huge mistake at work. I'm such an idiot! Ugh.
I want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. What is wrong with me?? Last edited by tigerlily84; Jun 21, 2013 at 12:31 PM. |
| Bark, gary290, lindammarie
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#400
Jun 21, 2013, 12:37 PM
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Quote:
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| lindammarie, optimize990h, tigerlily84
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| lindammarie, tigerlily84
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| Closed Thread |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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