I hate it when I have my ups in place and then my ex does her damndest to bring me down.
But after I completely destroyed her life's dreams of a happy home and all that I suppose I just need to accept her outbursts and let it roll like water off a ducks back.
I really can handle it....it just gets old after a while.

[tigersassy]

First day back to work from vacation. Trying to stay mellow but that's hard sometimes. Especially when you try to do things right but some people think they are above the rules and management doesn't back up policies. Grrrrr....

[Maxima]

I've been more down than usual, lately. I don't know why, but it's awful.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

Haven't been here much on this thread lately. I'm sorry about that. Hugs to everyone that is feeling down.

Things have been okay I guess. I saw a psychiatrist who recommended a day program and Lexapro. The Lexapro is fine but my insurance sucks and covers next to nothing so it's just not feasible. I have no doubt that it would help me out though. The pdoc said that I have to have a physical before he prescribes any meds. Just the thought of that makes my head hurt. I have no motivation right now to find a dr, make the appt and then to go to the appt.

What else has happened? Oh, I've lost interest in eating and I've lost 15 pounds within 2 months. Which doesn't sound too bad, but I'm underweight now. In a way I don't really care. I kind of wish I would just disintegrate to nothingness.

I have this habit of making friends with older women. Women who could be my mother. And I finally figured it out. I think it's because my own mother and my stepmom have dished out so much emotional abuse that I look for people to "mother" me. Is that weird or what? I'm in my late 20's so I should be able to take care of myself. I don't have a lot of friends my age. I never have. My T is actually a few years younger than me but she exhibits the same traits that I wish my mom would show towards me. So I have gotten attached to her. Is this transference? I think so. It only makes it worse that my T will be leaving on June 28th, so we only have a few sessions left. Sigh.

Sorry this post is all over the place topic-wise! I guess I have a lot on my mind. :/

I relate to you all over the place. Healthcare is tooooo expensive. Finding a doctor is almost impossible. (I finally found one, but have only seen her for the initial history-taking visit.)

My weight is out of control, except I eat whenever I'm feeling bad... and when I can control that, my metabolism is so screwed that I never lose weight...

And the mother part... I think we always need mothers. Mine died when I was three and I still long for someone to mother me. Sometimes I am able to "mother" myself. And that helps. But sometimes the strength is just not there...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. One step at a time!!!

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by herethennow

everything is a farce... just started on volunteer work (which i've been wanting to do all my life) and while i do enjoy it... it feels really empty inside.

Maybe it'll get better as you continue. Sending positive thoughts!

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

Vacation was alright, I guess. I tried my best to enjoy myself, and there were times when I actually kind of did. I think my parents noticed that I seemed disinterested in almost everything, they kept asking me if I was enjoying myself. They still don't know I'm depressed, though I'm sure they're beginning to suspect SOMETHING. Part of me is kind of glad to be home. It gets exhausting having to be around my parents all the time, having to pretend that I'm perfectly okay. I don't know why I want to hide my depression from them so much. I guess because I know they'll want to talk about it and I just don't want to talk about it with them.

I've been thinking so much about transferring schools it's driving me insane. I keep thinking about how I had planned to wait until graduate school to get away from home, but I honestly don't know if I can wait that long. Not to mention that if I can't get into grad school right away I'll be stuck here for god knows how long. I feel awful for wanting to get away from my parents. Other people have parents who are abusive or negligent and all mine have ever done is love me and care for me. At one point on vacation my mom asked me, "You don't hate us, do you?" It really hurts to hear her say that. She doesn't even know about my desire to get away from home. How can I tell her now? She thinks I hate her. Hearing me say I want to get away from home would crush her. I feel like a spoiled teenage brat for wanting nothing more than to get away from them. But I can't help it. It's strange, as a pre-teen/teenager I never went through that phase where I hated my parents or wanted to run away from home or what have you. Now here I am 20 years old and I feel like a dumb, spoiled child for feeling the way I do about my parents. I still love them, I really do. I just want to be independent and I want to be further away from them.

But then I wonder if it even matters either way. I worry that if I stay at home at the same school it will just continue to be the same old pointless, depressive bull-crap day after day, month after month, year after year...But would I actually be able to have success making a new start in a new city/school? I can fantasize about it all I want. In my head I can so clearly see myself being completely happy in a new place. But at the same time I can just as easily see everything going wrong and me being even worse than I was before.

How would your parents react if you told them you wanted to transfer to another school? (You wouldn't have to say how badly you want to get away from them, but wanting to be independent is a good thing... Parent raise their kids to ready them to "leave the nest".)

[lindammarie]

I am in crisis mode -- which means I have to ignore my feelings. The crisis is our basement and garage which were flooded. The professionals showed up today & I'm not ready for them, but I'm trying to stay one step ahead.

I guess I'll feel better when it's done, but there is so much work ahead and I don't expect to get a lot of help...

[bluedolphin92]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

How would your parents react if you told them you wanted to transfer to another school? (You wouldn't have to say how badly you want to get away from them, but wanting to be independent is a good thing... Parent raise their kids to ready them to "leave the nest".)

I don't know how they'd react. I'm sure they'd want to know why. That would probably mean explaining that I've been depressed for awhile and that I'm not happy at my current school. Plus, I'm thinking I'd like to get out of state so I'm sure they'd try to convince me that it wouldn't be a wise decision, because of the cost. Not to mention the fact that I'd probably have to go to school for a semester or two longer than originally intended.

[bluedolphin92]

Everything in my life just feels so completely meaningless at this point. I don't want to be like this, but I don't see the point in doing anything to try to change things because no matter what I do I'll just end up here again at some point, I'm sure.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I just spent a couple hours deleting un-needed emails and opening unanswered emails from Jan until now. Feels great to get that done. Only two left to do, both hard ones including an unopened one from my T that I up and quit in Jan.

Congratulations sidestepper! I know for me trying to maintain some level of control over my e-mail is a constant challenge

[don964964]

can I ramble a bit ?
went to town today. 70 mile each way... yeah I exist in purgatory..
I made it with out breaking down.. its hard to make the drive lost in thoughts ..
population is hard to handle , I forgot to call in my refills .. they said 4 hour wait.
cant do it .. i tried to shop some food n such but i lose it people are looking at me why is this big man crying i know how to function i cant function what do i do...
the ride home i don't remember getting home so lost now i have to go back tomorrow or the next day myhead hurts i can feel her them they are near telling me stop but how do you get out of here when you know the worst is still to come soon

The ex has made it quite clear that we are done. I was askingher about some basic things going on in her life and she politely told me it was no longer any of my business or concern.
I told her that I was sorry to have been concerned and that I assured her it would never happen again.
I will now focus all of my concern on the welfare and well being of my daughter that I have with her.
My ex is now just my ex. Time to move on.

[Turtleboy]

i'm feeling a bit mixed today, but not bad so i'm happy enough

[Bluegerbera1]

Really struggling today. On the verge of tears and feeling like crawling into a hole or running away

[gracez]

Hopeless. There's a whole day ahead? Great.

[Nammu]

Feeling very anxious and afraid. I'm off to see the HUD case worker and I'm going to ask to transfer to my home state. Don't know how I am going to pull it off. So afraid I'm going to end up homeless.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by bluedolphin92

I don't know how they'd react. I'm sure they'd want to know why. That would probably mean explaining that I've been depressed for awhile and that I'm not happy at my current school. Plus, I'm thinking I'd like to get out of state so I'm sure they'd try to convince me that it wouldn't be a wise decision, because of the cost. Not to mention the fact that I'd probably have to go to school for a semester or two longer than originally intended.

Try to think up some good reasons for the transfer, leaving the depression out of it. The move might help the depression and it might not... I used to have my kids draw a line down a piece of paper. Then I'd tell them to list of the reasons why on one side and all the reasons why not on the other. You and your parents both deserve to consider what's really best.

Hang in there!

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by gracez

Hopeless. There's a whole day ahead? Great.

I seem to be thinking about "lists" today... Could you try to make a list of the things you're thankful for? It won't change the day, but the list will be a good reminder of "good stuff" to read today & any other day you're feeling down...
Just a thought - sent along with a prayer for you!

[phaset]

I've been trying to figure out what I'm actually feeling lately, and the harder I try the less I am able to put it into english. I'm currently feeling somewhere between "blah" and a 60hz electrical hum... I think I broke myself trying to push away my feelings for so many years.

The memories that have been keeping me awake have had the volume turned down since I very incoherently tried talking about them in therapy. I realized yesterday that I was actually successful in bringing it up and I feel good about that. I've never told anyone about them before, or even that they existed. I'm still waking up for no reason a few hours after falling asleep, but I can get back to sleep without getting caught up in them.

[Turtleboy]

was ok this morning and then my anxiety spiked i was a wreck for most of the day....

I had my daughter for 3 days then she went home and I picked her up from camp yesterday and we had more time together.
I won't see her till tomorrow when I again pick her up from camp and we go swimming together.
I am simply lost without that kid around. I am a wreck when she is not here. I know she has to grow up and move out and on with her life...but right now she is 7 and its all I can do to grasp every available moment before they are gone!

[IcryWhoAmI]

I've been feeling okay. Went to the opticians yesterday and had to go back today, got my new frames for my glasses, after I broke them. And just found out that one of my favorite bands are coming to my city with another of my favorite bands supporting them. Hopefully I can get a ticket Although I still have to get a ticket for another band I really want to see. The amount of money I spend on concerts......I'm exited though
Don't really have any downs, apart from the fact I've been more quiet than usual. It happens.

[tigersassy]

Feeling low again. Flowing from not accomplishing anything at work today. I've been near tears several times today and remembering things that's making this worse.

[don964964]

well week 41
my grand daughter came home last night,she packed the last of her things , she decided what collage she is going to .... has a job lined up and starts in a week.
I am so proud of her.. so glad she was here this morning.. it made it better.to have some sunshine sitting before me over coffee......I have taught this girl everything I know.. she can run a backhoe and fix it to boot , she will dig an sift all day , and she is a lady a beautiful young lady. she has the knowin of lots of things , for one so young .
Tuesdays are hard for me probably always will be. I have only cried 20 or 30 times today. but no melt downs yet
well I think I have decided to leave next week , head for the hills as they say.
ya see last October November December .... I couldn't wait for July , then as the sadness and depression set in big time I realized why , and the anticipation of it left me , for the reality of why I felt this. Well I don't think I could live with my self, without going there for one night so money or not I am heading north to sit at 10500 feet and talk to the spirits .... then home alone and hopefully with some peace in my soul. and to find a new path in what is left of this episode on the holodeck of this dimension .
TOOK TWO GLASSES FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE TURNED AROUND AND SHE WAS GONE 50 YEARS WE SPENT TOGEATHER why did she leave me to face this world all alone.
well I have to see I have to see a man about a mule.
hope everyone finds there peace.

[tigerlily84]

I've been doing pretty well the last couple of days. On Father's day, we (my brothers and I) took my dad to a jazz festival and we had a great time. I was really tired yesterday at work since I start at 6am, but it was worth it.

And I'm settling into this new job. I'm enjoying it. Less anxiety, which is always a good thing.