[Turtleboy]

woke up at 5am, but it looks like its gonna be a nice day, might go for an early walk this morning

[tigersassy]

Yesterday was okish. Self hatred waxing and waning. Worried that I'm SIing while I sleep again. Hoping today goes better. Only a week left till vacation.

[herethennow]

for some reason, i am excited to see my pdoc next week. i guess it's coz i haven't seen her in a month and i have good news for her...

but then my mood still hasn't been good... so that's kind of confusing for me now

[phaset]

After my sleep yesterday my anxiety was way down to my normal level. Had a period of not feeling like crap (more not feeling anything, but not bad) which lead to a whole "maybe I'm not depressed" thing, which lead back to being angry and frustrated.

On a related to not sleeping note, I have some events I keep reliving in my head from when I was a kid that I need to deal with. I don't see my therapist again for a few weeks.

My wife forgot to defrost some chicken last night, so I bought some huge bone in, skin on chicken breasts from the grocery store. They turned out great on the bbq.

Thanks for the replies to my earlier post.

[davmid]

Confused.... After months, I suddenly stopped crying every day and the butterflies in my chest aren't there. Am I starting to get through this or am I shutting off my emotions again like I did for so long? I'm so unsure.

[davmid]

Originally Posted by phaset

Had a period of not feeling like crap (more not feeling anything, but not bad) which lead to a whole "maybe I'm not depressed" thing, which lead back to being angry and frustrated.

That's very similar to how I'm feeling!

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by phaset

After my sleep yesterday my anxiety was way down to my normal level. Had a period of not feeling like crap (more not feeling anything, but not bad) which lead to a whole "maybe I'm not depressed" thing, which lead back to being angry and frustrated.

Hi phaset....Just a thought from someone who has suffered the ups and downs of depression for a very long time...and of course I understand that it's easier said than done . Try to cherish every moment that you're feeling okay, or any variation of okay....in your words "not feeling like crap". Because the truth is if at any moment you're feeling better, at that moment you ARE better, and at that moment the demon is not winning. To quote a therapist from my past, "the demon is a trickster, and he does not care about you". If he has his way he WILL convince you that everything is bad, and that there is no hope....BUT THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH, no matter how much we may feel that way at times (sometimes, sadly, for prolonged times ). Truth is, no matter how hard it is to believe at times...."You are NOT your depression". Don't know if any of this may be relatable to you at all, but just my 2 cents Take Care ~whimsy

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by davmid

Confused.... After months, I suddenly stopped crying every day and the butterflies in my chest aren't there. Am I starting to get through this or am I shutting off my emotions again like I did for so long? I'm so unsure.

Hope you can let yourself enjoy the better moments and not destroy them by doubting.... I hope you continue to get some relief ~whimsy

[herethennow]

to be honest right now i am tired of trying... and so i shall let the illness talk to me. *sigh*

[phaset]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Try to cherish every moment that you're feeling okay, or any variation of okay...

Thank you whimsy, yeah I do try. Last Sunday I was sitting in the living room when I noticed I had a huge smile on my face for no reason at all. I felt great! It had been a long time, but I know I can feel good.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by phaset

Thank you whimsy, yeah I do try. Last Sunday I was sitting in the living room when I noticed I had a huge smile on my face for no reason at all. I felt great! It had been a long time, but I know I can feel good.

That's so nice to hear Lord knows it's not easy at times....but I believe there is hope out there. We just can't always see it! Hugs ~whimsy

I was helping my ex move when she turned on me because she couldn't afford to get a uhaul for a second time to move more of her stuff out of the house.
She threw me out, told me to get our of her life...again.
This has happened before since we split up, but its affecting me more today than ever because my daughter was crying and she was scared because my ex, her mama, was yelling and screaming at me and crying hysterically.
I am back at my place now after hugging my daughter goodbye and feeling her squeeze me oh so tight. My ex has custody so I am helpless. I am so sad right now that I am grateful to NOT be a gun owner. I suppose it was stupid to say that...just trying to convey the depths of my saddness. I know I will see my daughter again, probably Monday.
My ex's anger has once again taken center stage and it's showing itself strong.
I am reeling and depressed and sad. Please pray for my daughter...the truly innocent one in the middle.
She is the only thing I live for. There is nothing else.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

I was helping my ex move when she turned on me because she couldn't afford to get a uhaul for a second time to move more of her stuff out of the house.
She threw me out, told me to get our of her life...again.
This has happened before since we split up, but its affecting me more today than ever because my daughter was crying and she was scared because my ex, her mama, was yelling and screaming at me and crying hysterically.
I am back at my place now after hugging my daughter goodbye and feeling her squeeze me oh so tight. My ex has custody so I am helpless. I am so sad right now that I am grateful to NOT be a gun owner. I suppose it was stupid to say that...just trying to convey the depths of my saddness. I know I will see my daughter again, probably Monday.
My ex's anger has once again taken center stage and it's showing itself strong.
I am reeling and depressed and sad. Please pray for my daughter...the truly innocent one in the middle.
She is the only thing I live for. There is nothing else.

Oh Spirit....How much I wish I could give you a huge hug right now, but I guess a message will have to do. I am so very sorry about the way your ex treats you....but for the way she is imprinting on your precious young daughter, shame...shame....shame on her! I do want to step out of line, but I really need to say that her behavior in ways such as this REALLY says so much about her. Of course I don't know about her, whether she is just damaged from her past, but imo no matter what may have happened in the past she has NO RIGHT whatsoever to inflict this crap (excuse my French) on an innocent soul who did not ask to be at the center of this situation. As someone who grew up as an only child, listening to my parents scream at each other late at night, trying to drown it out by listening to the radio, my heart truly goes out to her. I will be keeping both of you in my prayers, and I also pray that you find some bit of comfort as soon as possible ~whimsy

[optimize990h]

feeling not good trying to avoid agoraphobic anxiety but very difficult. wanted to do a few errands today,...but

[tigerlily84]

Feeling anxious for no reason at all. Joy.

[whimsygirl]

How I treasure those moments when something happens, I see something, or whatever that lifts me up from all the sadness and challenges, and for some moments I truly know in my heart and soul that there ARE good people ~positive things in the world....and I believe that I can have them as a part of my reality some day. It's getting from here to there that is the hard part of course....but as long as I have those few moments I will continue to fight for what I deserve (We all deserve to have joy and peace in our lives.) Best Wishes to everyone ~whimsy

[whimsygirl]

This is my sweet friend Hanne who died on Tuesday, and was laid to rest today. It's hard to believe she's really gone...

[bluedolphin92]

Still been thinking a lot about transferring schools, but realizing that it probably isn't going to happen. There's just so much work involved and no matter where I transfer to, some of the credits I've already earned may not even be able to transfer. At this point I guess the best I can do is just make the most of my last two years here and hopefully be able to get into a good grad school out of state once I'm done here.

I just keep trying to tell myself that no matter what happens things will eventually get better for me. Sometimes I'm actually able to believe it.

[tigerlily84]

Yeah I had a panic attack on the drive home from work. Awesome.

The other bridesmaids are mad at me for not helping out. Um excuse me? I did suggest things but I was shot down. So I figured ok you don't need me. It's just her friends and me, the sister in law as her bridesmaids. I am the one that doesn't fit in. Who barely had enough money for a stupid bridesmaids dress that i won't even wear again. I am sorry I even agreed to it in the first place. So for the shower tomorrow I still have yet to get a dress for a gift for one if the games, and a gift for my sister in law. Of course I waited until the last minute.

I called my therapist hours ago and she hasn't called back. My anxiety was so bad at work that I kept making mistakes because my hands were shaking that badly.

And do I realize that all of this is arbitrary? Of course I do. I am so damn sensitive now though that I feel too exposed and vulnerable. I feel like I have no outer skin to protect me from the smallest slights. I hate having a mental illness so much. I am so unbelievably frustrated right now. Mostly with myself.

If you read all that, thank you for letting me vent.

[onionknight]

I'm feeling kind of blank and blah.

I hope everyone in the path of the line of storms stays safe.

I am up and moving around but not really "here"
Not sure of where I am today, allowing my brain to process all of this pain and saddness.
I miss my daughter, and although I get to be with her all day Monday, its not soon enough to see her.
I really want and need someone in my life. I am tired of being alone and lonely.

[gracez]

Why should I get up and start the day? There's nothing ahead but more pain. I wish I could stay unconscious.

[tigersassy]

I'm kindda blah today. Not up but not low like I have been. Slept too long but when I woke up really early had a headache so went back to bed. Upped to 20 mgs of viibryd last night. My nurse thinks I should start feeling the effects of the Med this week coming up or the next. I hope so. In 7 days I will be on vacation so am looking forward to that. Hope weather cooperates.

[Bark]

Amazingly I got extensions on my papers. Now I have one due a week. Much more manageable.

But now I'm living at home... with my sister driving me crazy. I have such a short fuse with her. I try, but she just pushes all my triggers. I tell myself she can't help it, she has a problem... but it's just so incredibly difficult. It's a source of stress I can't do much about, except try, try again.

Otherwise, I'm not feeling depressed, thankfully. I hope she's not wearing me down, though.

[davmid]

I can't understand why some days I wake up crying. It would be great if I could just get it all out right then and go about my day. It never seems to work out that way.