[Starla Dear]

I was just chatting online with my mom. I was already feeling anxious because I have a deadline today, and she said something that made my anxiety worse. (I'm stuck in the anxiety-feeds-depresssion vicious cycle.) I told her we needed to stop talking about that subject because I was going to have an anxiety attack, and she responded with "Don't let anxiety beat you."

I hate that thought--like anxiety and depression are a "game" you can win. Like if I only tried harder, I could get rid of it. She's known I've had these disorders for years, and I can't believe how ignorant she still is.

Do people say stuff like that to you?

[Clara22]

Hi Starla Dear, yes people tell me this kind of things all the time, if I am sad or because I am disabled. Mostly I do not replay back, but sometimes I do say something like "you have no idea what you are talking about", or something like that.

[Bark]

herethennow, what happened happened. I know how hard it can be to resist when you have the urge to hurt yourself. Don't dwell on what you did; instead, be proud of how long you went without hurting youself, and make it a goal to not hurt yourself again for at least a while. And I'm glad to hear that about the volunteer work! Keep at it!

lindammarie, I'm not "supposed" to like/love you, but even if I was, it wouldn't be the reason that I do like you. You're such a good person, from what little I know about you, always giving hugs and trying to be helpful, online and off. I think you need a bit more of that from family and friends right now. Do you have someone you feel like you can just vent to and know that they won't judge you? We all need someone like that.

Anyway, another stable day, trying to raise my threshold around my sister. But then there were problems with the car, problems with family, problems with everything. I get by by saying it's a string of coincidences and consequences, rather than putting it down to bad luck or a curse or a misalignment of the stars.... But when it seems like everyone has a health problem or mental illness or financial problem or... whatever... you wonder why it has to hit those you know and love. Makes you start wondering if there really is a curse of sorts.

[tigerlily84]

So. I'm having car problems, I had to pay extra because I forgot to pay for a citation that was due 6/28, and I have to move in 2 weeks. I have no place to live, no friends I can stay with, after that. Anxiety... mostly I cry on and off and then make myself stop so I can go to work. I can at least keep it together for long enough when I'm there. I also have not heard back from HR about the jobs I applied for. I haven't even been given an interview and I've worked there for 4 years! There are people that have only been working there for a month that applied to the same positions and THEY were granted interviews! WTH... I don't even know what else to say...

[bluedolphin92]

Touring a potential new school on Monday Not the one I was originally looking at, but that one's pretty much out for good now. My parents brought up some good points about the cost of that one (It was a private, out of state school), and the fact that I didn't need to be that far away to be more independent (Which is true). I'm still going to keep that school in mind if I still decide I want to go for a PhD, though.

The school I'm considering looks nice though. It's about 2 hours away from home, so visits would be fairly easy but still not something I'd want to do on a regular basis (Which is good, for me). It also sounds like it's much more focused on on-campus living, which is another good thing. My current school is a big commuter school and campus is pretty much dead after 6 PM and on the weekends. New school has a great psychology program, which is another plus I'm actually getting excited at the idea of transferring. The thought of going back to my old school bores and depresses me. Hope this can actually work out.

Also, I just realized that I referred to my current school as my "old" school without even really realizing it, haha. Hopefully I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing on this =/ *fingers crossed*

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Starla Dear

I was just chatting online with my mom. I was already feeling anxious because I have a deadline today, and she said something that made my anxiety worse. (I'm stuck in the anxiety-feeds-depresssion vicious cycle.) I told her we needed to stop talking about that subject because I was going to have an anxiety attack, and she responded with "Don't let anxiety beat you."

I hate that thought--like anxiety and depression are a "game" you can win. Like if I only tried harder, I could get rid of it. She's known I've had these disorders for years, and I can't believe how ignorant she still is.

Do people say stuff like that to you?

I think they believe they're being encouraging, but it hurts like hell.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Bark

herethennow, what happened happened. I know how hard it can be to resist when you have the urge to hurt yourself. Don't dwell on what you did; instead, be proud of how long you went without hurting youself, and make it a goal to not hurt yourself again for at least a while. And I'm glad to hear that about the volunteer work! Keep at it!

lindammarie, I'm not "supposed" to like/love you, but even if I was, it wouldn't be the reason that I do like you. You're such a good person, from what little I know about you, always giving hugs and trying to be helpful, online and off. I think you need a bit more of that from family and friends right now. Do you have someone you feel like you can just vent to and know that they won't judge you? We all need someone like that.

Anyway, another stable day, trying to raise my threshold around my sister. But then there were problems with the car, problems with family, problems with everything. I get by by saying it's a string of coincidences and consequences, rather than putting it down to bad luck or a curse or a misalignment of the stars.... But when it seems like everyone has a health problem or mental illness or financial problem or... whatever... you wonder why it has to hit those you know and love. Makes you start wondering if there really is a curse of sorts.

Thank you so much, Bark. I know that everyone doesn't hate me -- and I know I don't even hate myself, but the feelings are so powerful sometimes. I do hate being needy. And I hate that sometimes when I break down and try to tell people how I feel, I often get hurt by their response.

When the stress in my life backs off, I will probably manage my feelings better. If I could afford to go to my therapist more often, it would be good to have someone to talk to -- but my medical bills are so high right now that I can't pay them. So instead of getting help that way, I just chip away at the bills, hoping I'll get the better of them someday.

[Melinae]

Sad that no one is inviting me anywhere for 4th of July. I feel so unwanted. Just hoping this doesn't spiral into darker thoughts. **** it.

[bluedolphin92]

Parents are both home because of the 4th. Went out to lunch, didn't really talk at all except for my mom nagging me about driving to visit the potential new school by myself. It's 2 hours away, which is further than I've ever driven, but I'm confident that I can do it myself. She keeps bugging me about it though =/ Also we talked about going to see some fireworks tonight, and my dad said that we might as well go tonight as opposed to tomorrow so that we could "get it out of the way", like it's some kind of chore to go see fireworks.

As soon as we got home from lunch my dad sat down on the couch to take a nap. And they wonder why I always spend so much time in my room. At least this way I can actually communicate with other people, even if it is just behind a computer screen. Better to communicate with people on the internet than not say a word to someone sitting in the same room as you, I think.

I'm having the day off from work today because of the 4th. I have to go back to work for just a day tomorrow. Well, anyways, I look at this like having a "sick" day.

Nothing much going on with me today. Been spending the day alone. For some strange reason I feel like it's not bothering me. Maybe I've just become acclimated to being alone, even though there are times when I feel bad about it.

July 4th has to be my least favorite day of the year. I don't like the heat that much. Also I don't feel like being in a crowd with loud fireworks and the drunks. I also feel like I have to stay off the roads to be safe. Night time is the worst because it's hard to sleep with noise going on all night. Usually the kids at my neighborhood are lighting off firecrackers, and they are not supposed to do that. Calling the police would not help.

[lindammarie]

Today could have been much worse. If I can just get through tomorrow morning, maybe I'll have a few good hours at work tomorrow.

[tigersassy]

Debated not going to work today. I'm going just to prove I'm not going to back off when something is wrong. I might have to leave early but at least I went.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by Melinae

Sad that no one is inviting me anywhere for 4th of July. I feel so unwanted. Just hoping this doesn't spiral into darker thoughts. **** it.

i feel the same way except for em there isnt even anyone i can think of that would potentially invite me. its like im completely out of touch with people these days.

my roommate has her great life with her boyfriend and she is spending the weekend at his house, so its just me alone.

[Benetduncan]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

i feel the same way except for em there isnt even anyone i can think of that would potentially invite me. its like im completely out of touch with people these days.

my roommate has her great life with her boyfriend and she is spending the weekend at his house, so its just me alone.

Same... Plus summer love is abundant.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by Benetduncan

Same... Plus summer love is abundant.

yes i see a lot of people together and it makes me sad (i am happy for other people but it makes me sad about myself)
because i dont have anyone to share any moments with

and i was kinda conflicted today because of this reason, because i thought it'd be meaningless to try to do something myself, i tell myself that i shouldnt do anything now, that i should wait until i have a friend or boyfriend to share the time with. but then i know that i would have to give up some enjoyment that i could have had myself, but thats ok because it'd be meaningless without someone else.

but there was also a part of me that really wanted to do something today for myself today. i regret now kinda wasting the day. after the day already passed, i thought that i should have worn my blue shirt and gone outside, paint my nails in red and blue, go to the marina, at least do something.
but i wasted the day away and i did nothing.

i dont know what happened, i woke up at noon, then i wasted hours online, and before i knew it it was about 8 pm, and i went to dinner by myself, then before i knew it the fireworks were over and i had just sat thorugh it in my room the whole time

i want to lie about what i did, if someone asks me (not that anyone really cares what i did, if someone asks me its just an acquaintance), and ill say that i was tired and not feeling well (which is actually kind of true) or that i went to the marina to see fireworks and shop, even though its a complete lie.

I am hoping to get some sun today...my daughter will be expecting to spend hours in the pool this afternoon and I love spending the time with her.
I just wish pools still had diving boards...I want to play around not just swim around.
I used to dive alot, never competitively, just fun-itivley.
So I am up and looking forward to the afternoon and evening with her.

[herethennow]

feel like stopping treatment. feel like nothing is going to work for me and depression would stay in my life forever.

it hurts....

[Starla Dear]

Yesterday I managed to go on a bike ride (my first of the year). I didn't want to go, but I thought I should do something on the holiday. I took a break at a little beach park, which was packed because of the Fourth. When I saw the crowd, I immediately had a public panic attack, with tears and everything. I had so much negative self-talk--about how other people can go outside without feeling like their nerves are exploding and I can't, how they're better/probably more successful than me, how they can enjoy themselves and I can't. And my thoughts spiraled downward from there.

Today I'm still exhausted from that episode. I just never want to go outside again.

[Grey Matter]

Today hasn't been very good. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I started having a panic attacking and crying in front of my parents and my fathers at home nurse. It reminds me too much of the past. Now I am struggling to leave my room. Reality is too much.

[gracez]

it's another day i wish i weren't here

[phaset]

So I haven't written here in a while. I'm not sure how I've been feeling lately. Maybe I'm not feeling at all. Just a robot going about its day. I wish I could connect to my feelings again. Sometimes I think I'm feeling OK but then my eyes tear up.

I think I'm getting more comfortable with my therapist and am trying really hard at this trust thing. Its so much easier now then when I was younger. We've been dealing with my anxiety problems more so than depression.

We are going to watch the fireworks tonight. They were cancelled last week. We are going to watch from a park next to the harbour.

I hope everyone has a good night.

[davmid]

This was a horrible day. 4th of July was always a really special holiday for my wife and I. Last night was the first time since 1993 that I watched the fireworks without her. And all I could think about all day today was that she is on a camping trip with her new guy. And she's so happy now that she's gotten rid of me--

This morning I dropped my son at the airport to go visit my W's family. My daughter and wife will follow in a few days. I'll be left behind. And I spent my entire adult life with her family. Her mom IS my mom. And I won't be there like I always have when her brothers and uncles and cousins come in from around the country. Like last year and all the years before.

How is it possible that for my whole life as far back as I can remember, everything and everyone I ever loved, I somehow managed to lose?

[bluedolphin92]

I seem to be cycling between feeling excited and hopeful about this whole transferring thing, to feeling scared and thinking it won't make any difference at all. I'm constantly going back and forth between the two feelings and it's starting to get kind of annoying =/

[tigerlily84]

My coworker invited me to her house after work and I met her family, and we watched a movie. It was nice to see her outside of work.
I'm still looking for places to live. I think I will go tomorrow to see some apt complexes with my brother. I'm trying to be hopeful I guess.

UPS
My daughter is here with me. We should be going to the pool today. We had fun playing go fish last night.
DOWNS
We got rained out of our pool time yesterday. I am facing a giant financial debacle, with 3 more right behind it. I fear that I will be homeless in 90 days or so.