[koko23]

I made a post describing how I felt in the section where you introduce yourself, but to save you guys time, I will go ahead and re-write and re-word and add a few things.

This is going to be very long, I apologize. i can't really find a shorter way to describe it. I hope someone can understand, and give me some hope.

I was fine literally over a week ago, nothing was wrong, I was happy and in the midst of finding a job, happily in love and most likely moving out of my bf's roommate's house so we can get our own apartment.

Well sometime last week, I noticed I was feeling "off." My head is not clear, it seems foggy. I have felt this way before, (a year back) but I always managed to bounce back with some kind of distraction. But even distraction isn't helping me this time. It started getting worse each day, I even tried exercising and that didn't help.

I started feeling like I didn't know where I was or WHO I was or what I liked, nothing looked familiar anymore.. It feels like a dream that I can't get out of. Maybe this is derealization or depression distorting my way of thinking? I have no idea.

Every move I make, even if it's just sitting up out of bed, I question it. Is it really me getting up? It's hard to explain.

Time seems to have slowed down like 10 times. An hour feels like a whole day. But now most of the time, it seems like it has stopped completely.
I also seem to be very impatient. My mind is always running, but only about what could be wrong with me. I have tried to self diagnose myself, but I feel talking to you guys might be better to figure out what might be wrong.

my memory seems to be VERY hazy and I fear I will never get that back. I can't seem to look into the future, make plans or decisions like I used to.

Now I am stuck in bed, constantly trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I feel like I am stuck in a dream. I have been throwing up every single morning because I know I am going to have another bad day of these intrusive thoughts and feeling like I will be stuck this way forever. It has gotten so bad to the point I am begging to wonder if every single thought I have (even if it's a normal one) is me or my brain telling me it's not really me thinking. I hope that's not confusing. Now all I want to do is look at forums, and sleep to escape my own head. (Dreams seem normal at times, but sometimes are bad as well.) Nothing else. I have already tried going back outside to work out, but I started obsessing of where I was at and why I don't feel the way I normally do when I go for a walk. I felt WORSE.

I was going to guess it's anxiety, but I don't really have panic attacks, (I have had them before, and they don't feel like this.) I guess unless you count me getting sick as an anxiety attack.

Now I feel mentally paralyzed. Best way I can describe it. Everything I look at doesn't feel real...I try to look at something...say for instance, our dog...I loved that dog, but now when I look at him, it's like I feel nothing and questioning why I don't feel anything and if it's even real.

I can't eat, only because my head won't focus on the food, and it will just keep asking "How did this taste when I wasn't feeling this way?" or "I need to enjoy this, but I can't." I have been making myself eat though for my physical health's sake. Trying to eat healthy too.

I JUST WANT MY BRAIN TO TURN OFF.

I don't feel guilty or that I'm not good enough. I feel lost, empty and scared AND confused....VERY CONFUSED. I have a wonderful group of friends and family and an amazing boyfriend who has been trying to support me in all of this, so why do I still feel this way? It's like I don't care...but I want to so bad!!!!

My boyfriend has been trying to help me with all of this. He will even try to snuggle with me when I get frustrated and cry, but no amount of physical contact makes me get rid of these thoughts. it's like my emotional connection is gone. I even have a hard time concentrating on sex or eating good food. I TRY so hard to focus on how good it is, and it just makes it worse.

I have even tried going out, and nothing looked familiar to put my mind at an ease. Food doesn't taste good anymore. I just feel like I am doing this to myself, but I have dug myself such a deep hole, that now I cannot think my way out of it or snap out of it. (Though I wish I could.)

I have SUCH a hard time concentrating, because of these thoughts I am having...I don't know if it's a certain type of anxiety, depression, derealization, or combined. Nothing makes sense anymore. I almost feel like I have mental retardation. (that is not to be offensive to anyone who might, or knows someone who has it, it's just a medical description of how I feel, please do not take offense to that.)

I am so stuck, no amount of talk therapy, or "meditation" (not medication.) will help me, because of my intrusive thoughts.
I seriously feel like my soul has been taken away from me.

Sometimes, I think about suicide, because I cannot live like this. I could never do it though. I want to get better, not die. I do not feel comfortable in my own head, I cannot seem to find peace with my brain, no matter how hard I try to distract myself. I know medication doesn't cure it, but maybe I need a boost, so I CAN focus and get my way out of this mess.

I have been to a psychiatrist before, and she prescribed me Sertraline, and I never took them, because I thought it was all in my head, and eventually the thoughts subsided, because I had some pockets of hope. Now I don't. Every second is painful and questionable. I'm even having a hard time writing this.

I ended up at the ER yesterday because I couldn't take it anymore, they were really nice, even though one of the doctors couldn't understand what I was feeling (but they aren't really mental health doctors), so they called around mental health places and found me a place that will be taking me in on the 10th of this month. They couldn't find any place that would be sooner. I am so bad though to the point I don't really know if I can wait that long.

I am thinking maybe this is depression and my mind is trying to fight it off? even though I can't help it, because I know fighting makes it worse, but if I don't fight it, then I will feel even worse because all I will want to do is sleep and torture myself with these thoughts.

I really hope this makes sense to someone, because I am desperate for hope. I am getting frustrated with this.

[gayleggg]

I'm not really sure what is going on since I'm not a professional. But I just let you know that someone cares. It's great you have a support system in place. I feel you will get the help you need when you get to the pysch hospital. Until then hang in there.

Sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I don't know if it helps but I'm feeling very sick and anxious too, and you aren't alone in getting those kinds of feelings. Wondering if things are real, not enjoying food etc. I'm glad you are getting to the hospital soon, I'm sure they will help you figure out whats going on.
We do care here, so post as much as you like if it helps you!

[too SHy]

I really think you should see a medical doctor in the meantime. Sometimes something can be out of whack, It happened to me, you could have a thyroid problem, or something else making you worse. Good wishes.

Your experience reminds of something I went through when I was 19 (I am 25 now). I was severely anorexic back then, and had only eaten three days out of 50 days since I began starving myself. I was very conflicted because I was suppressing my orientation in hopes of being a better Christian.

I was starving myself because I felt my weight was the only thing I could manage in my life. I had an intervention to get me to eat again, but during and after my anorexic days of starving, I felt like the very core of my self had been compromised. It was as if there was a part of me that my mind once perceived but could at that point no longer detect. It was quite a surreal, horrific state of being. Everything you've described takes me back to that time in my life. I am going through something as difficult as I was back then, but it isn't in the same nature as what I had gone through when I was 19.

It took me about a year to recover my sense of self, but I felt like it was to a degree that it may have had something to do with a structure in my brain experiencing a complication. I did eventually recover. I came out shortly after that year. I did get an MRI to make sure nothing was wrong. It's one of those occurrences that is impossibly complicated to relay with just words. For me, it was both psychological and spiritual. I hope this was of some support for you.

[Gypsyblurose]

Hi, this actually could be a lot of different things. The first thing I would do is check in with your medical doctor. Have some lab work done. It kinda sounds like your having some kind of inbalance. Could be a hormone, if its thyroid, that could cause many other hormones in your body to go out of wack.

Gypsy

[koko23]

Originally Posted by Gypsyblurose

Hi, this actually could be a lot of different things. The first thing I would do is check in with your medical doctor. Have some lab work done. It kinda sounds like your having some kind of inbalance. Could be a hormone, if its thyroid, that could cause many other hormones in your body to go out of wack.

Gypsy

I really wish you were right. I have gotten bloodwork and test done before when I had this episode, but nothing abnormal came up. I really think this is all in my head.

My only guess is it might be clinical depression, because I wouldn't randomly just start feeling bad out of nowhere for no reason with no physical cause (even though clinical depression is physical, you can't physically test for it I guess?) But I am by no means a mental health doctor, so I can't diagnose myself. And since I wake up every morning feeling nervous, but not panicky, that might be anxiety speaking...and my obsessive thoughts started 2 days after....could that be anxiety or depression...or both?

Feeling like I will never get better....I feel like I'm doomed in a dream forever and I will never be myself again. And every time I try to remember when I was fine, which was a week ago, i get upset and start gagging (not on purpose, but because I am so upset about it.) and getting super angry.

I begin to wonder if it's all in my head or if there is something seriously wrong. I really hope the mental health doctor I am seeing will figure something out. i can't take it anymore.

It's so bad that I can't even get out of my own bed, and I'm becoming more and more frustrated each day because I can't shake these feelings/thoughts no matter how much I try to distract myself. It's just also gotten so bad, I question every move I make...(including typing letters as we speak) I seriously feel like I'm going to explode.

[transientsoul]

Please see a doctor. Again. Ask for a referral to mental health if you need one.

In the meantime, instead of revving your anxiety more by freaking out and worrying about what it is or isn't, try a bit more being in the present. Don't judge what's going on with you as terrible, weird, bad, embarrassing, shocking, etc., - don't label it. Just let go for a minute and say "Well, it is here, I am here, and for this moment, that is what is."

Read up on mindfulness. It can help.

[koko23]

Originally Posted by transientsoul

Please see a doctor. Again. Ask for a referral to mental health if you need one.

In the meantime, instead of revving your anxiety more by freaking out and worrying about what it is or isn't, try a bit more being in the present. Don't judge what's going on with you as terrible, weird, bad, embarrassing, shocking, etc., - don't label it. Just let go for a minute and say "Well, it is here, I am here, and for this moment, that is what is."

Read up on mindfulness. It can help.

I'm trying to focus, but it's so hard, my head actually hurts from thinking so much. Plus when I feel like I am in a dream, and questioning everything, it's hard to focus on anything at this point which makes me aggravated, I wish I could let go, but my obsessive thinking won't stop me...like I am stuck in a loop. I just wish I could sleep until my appointment, which is the 10th of this month. I want this nightmare to go away.

[avlady]

i hate to bring this up but could you be pregnant? did the doctors do a pregnancy test, i relate to all of your problems, when i was pregnant and when i am not doing so good-just a suggestion

[koko23]

Originally Posted by avlady

i hate to bring this up but could you be pregnant? did the doctors do a pregnancy test, i relate to all of your problems, when i was pregnant and when i am not doing so good-just a suggestion

Oh no haha, I just got off of my period...but I have been looking up symptoms of the hormone deal since it happened a day before my period. But I have been off for a while and I am still having obsessive thoughts and not feeling like myself. This has happened before, when I wasn't even close to starting my period, so that's why I'm thinking it might not be that specific reason.

I'm not real sure what it could be...maybe I have some from of OCD? with the obsessive thoughts? Maybe the depression caused it? I wasn't having these thoughts until I started not feeling like myself. I feel like they have taken over me and I feel like this is going to be who I am for the rest of my life, because I don't know how to think normally anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore, which then makes me think I have depersonalization...LOL I AM OVER ANALYZING MYSELF WAY TOO MUCH. But that's all I can do at this point, because our brains try so hard to fix something even if we aren't even sure of what it is. When I try to look at something familiar to distract me makes it worse, because I get confused of how I am supposed to feel or think when looking at it. I hope I am making sense...i feel like I am repeating myself

This bottom part might be somewhat pointless, I just had to vent though.

Last night I noticed I was getting VERY angry. My boyfriend came home from work around 12am and started playing one of his video games, and I was fine with that, but he stayed up til 5 in the morning playing it after I asked him to stop around 2 or 3...i even asked him to turn the volume down, because that's what was keeping me awake, but he had to listen to them talk to play it. I was being very nice to him about it. But when 4 rolled around I started getting very irritated and then started crying because he was still playing and I knew my anxiety was going to to get worse when it got light outside and I wanted to go to bed while it was still dark so I could escape my mind. I was so angry by the time we went to bed. But normally I wouldn't care, unless I had a job to go to in the morning, but that's not the case. I got upset over something I normally wouldn't have gotten upset about.

And earlier this morning after I woke up I started thinking about my thoughts and got so angry, like I almost wanted to hurt myself, but I know that would never do any good. My mind set used to be narrow (in a good way, or similar to being organized) Now it's one big jumbled mess.

[transientsoul]

Originally Posted by koko23

I'm trying to focus, but it's so hard, my head actually hurts from thinking so much. Plus when I feel like I am in a dream, and questioning everything, it's hard to focus on anything at this point which makes me aggravated, I wish I could let go, but my obsessive thinking won't stop me...like I am stuck in a loop. I just wish I could sleep until my appointment, which is the 10th of this month. I want this nightmare to go away.

You misunderstand.

Don't "try to focus", just let whatever this is, be.

Sometimes another voice breaking through the current in your head can help. Might I add the suggestion of guided meditation with headphones? I recently placed several links in the Buddhist section. http://forums.psychcentral.com/discu...etc-links.html

As I said in my other post, what can it hurt? PS - look up the song "Breathe In Breathe Out" by Matt Kearny. When I was going through something similar, it helped.

If what you are going through becomes unbearable to the point that you start having suicidal thoughts, don't hesitate to call your doctor in an emergency, worse case scenario. Hope this finds you well

[koko23]

Okay something different has happened.
I felt "okay" after my boyfriend left for work (which was around 3) Was able to kind of focus on things, but not 100%. Baby steps I suppose.
And still had a few obsessive thoughts here and there, but managed them somewhat.
But right now I feel like I am in a dream state more than ever. My head feels very heavy, but empty. It's not delirium, because I am not tired. It's like I don't recognize where I'm at. I'm not freaking out about it or anything. I just feel strange and I don't like it.
What the heck is going on? This is not normal for me.