![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#26
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I've been to so many older, world class musicians for lessons to try to figure out what the secret is, what I'm doing wrong, why I can't seem to reach this place that everyone seems to think is within my grasp. Yet, some of them have told me after hearing me play for a couple minutes that I don't need them and that they won't take my money because everything I'm doing is right and that all that is missing is my belief in who I am that will allow me to push on. One guy told me if he found out I was taking any more lessons, he'd kick my butt! Somebody else who I respected greatly essentially wouldn't give me the lesson that I came for at all...instead he just sat me down and told me that I seem depressed, that I will never be the musician I want to be unless I change the person who I already am...I told him that I didn't believe that I could ever be more than just ok, and he told me that he didn't know why I had come to him if that was the case...said that if I didn't believe that I could ever be great, then I never would be. It was harsh and went on for an hour and was almost the last day of my life and he really did not approach it in the right way because I was dangling by a thread already and very well could've been the last speech I was ever given. However, despite the overwhelming harshness of it all, he was absolutely right. I can see that the one thing I truly care about in life has been suffering for years due to the fact that I can't happily wake up every day and practice with a purpose...that I don't return phone calls out of fear that could potentially lead to a life changing connection. I've been trying to fix all these symptoms without ever admitting that they were being caused by a larger problem. |
#27
|
|||
|
|||
It sounds as if you are on the right path
![]() You are not alone. You are not lazy (but you are starting to realize that). Thank you for the link, btw. It also made perfect sense. FB really isn't all that it's cracked up to be ![]() |
#28
|
||||
|
||||
Think I'll go on a facebook diet too....
|
#29
|
|||
|
|||
FWIW, I've been in contact via the private messages on Facebook with a friend who I went to music school with who has been dealing with a lot of depression and addiction issues himself. I'm not really even sure how we wound up messaging each other or getting into deep conversation, but I have to say that if I had closed my account, we wouldn't have been exchanging these messages. Our issues aren't exactly the same, but there are a lot of similarities...it seems he dug further into addiction whereas I dug further into self-hate, but the good news is that he was telling me about how he's been in therapy for a couple years and on antidepressants and going to meetings for his addictions, and is seeing light at the end of the tunnel and living a more or less steady life with only occasional days of, "I just can't do this anymore" that he's able to handle. So, because of Facebook, I've been able to talk to somebody whose life, school, and career (if you can call music a career) path have all been very similar to mine who seems to be successfully battling a lot of the same stuff I've been going through.
Still, I'm sure a break could do anybody good. |
![]() Nammu
|
#30
|
|||
|
|||
That is great! I am so glad you were able to connect with a FB friend who understands and is supportive. It just takes that one person to take that risk ... to speak up and share.
And to think! People can and do surprise us ![]() ![]() |
#31
|
|||
|
|||
aww hun I know how you feel, but trust me, if you tell your parents, im sure theyd feel better knowing you had an actual issue, than to just think that you're lazy and dont want to do anything with your life. Trust me, sitting in your basement sulking in your pain isnt going to change anything. You need to take small steps, I think you should talk to your parents, see a primary care physician and get prescription for something like zoloft, it seems like you have anxiety and zoloft works wonders for anxiety and depression, it might take a month or 2 but once it starts working its incredible to actually feel alive again. if telling your parents isnt an option at all, then yes you need to get a small job maybe at walgreens like you said or even wal mart....and with generic i know zoloft isnt too expensive and maybe you should be prescribed klonopin or something while waiting for the zoloft to kick in, to help too. Please I did what you did for 2 years so depressed ddint know how to get out of it, then one day well i live in massachusetts where any1 can get on insurance and get help without a job, so my friend convinced me to get insurance helped me fill out a form, i had insurance in less than a week and was able to get prescription for anti depressant....but in your case you can pay a primary care doctor maybe $100 for a visit and get a couple prescription sfor less than $50.....which isnt a lot if your parents would help you, no1 wants to see their child like that, im sure theyll help. and if its not an opition then get a job..
I think maybe you should make small goals, such as to drink a lot of water, maybe go for a walk everyday, eat less, lose some weight you'll start feeling better and more motiviated....stretch marks is nothing, if someone likes you they could careless about stretch marks, i have them all over my stomach and hips from whwen i used to be fat and im a girl, so how do u think i feel when i wear a bikini? its somewhat embarassing, but i dont let it bother me.....honeslty hhun please just get help, i can promise you sittin there isnt going to do a damn thing, you need to at least get on a med and help get motivated and fix your life...before for 45 regretting not getting help....please wish i was there so i could help you, im sorry you're so sad..please try and take some of my advice, i used to be u |
#32
|
|||
|
|||
Thanks, Laura. Yeah, telling anyone in my family about it just feels like the last possible option if everything else fails. It would ruin the perfect 1950's TV family fantasy that they've tried so hard to maintain my whole life. To them, depression is something that happens to people in other families...not ours.
I know it's weird about the stretch marks, but I feel like they would be a lot less embarrassing to me if I were a female because it's somehow more normal. There was a girl I noticed in school once who had really obvious stretch marks when I saw her lean over and part of her lower back was exposed. I already sort of had a crush on her, but when I noticed that I liked her even more because I was thinking, "Oh wow...maybe I could date her and she wouldn't judge mine as much." Of course I didn't have the guts to ask her out or anything because my self-esteem is so low. Weird, right? I'm sure there are plenty of females out there ashamed or embarrassed by theirs...and yet here I am thinking what a relief it would be to find one of them. I wish there was a dating site where the whole goal was to put all the worst things you can think of about yourself in your little bio so nothing had to be exposed later. Anyway, I do think my best option is to find some simple job and try to not screw it up...even if I blow it, it might provide me with enough money to at least get some sort of process started. |
#33
|
|||
|
|||
Hi,
Question: are you a perfectionist? If so, you will struggle with self-esteem. Perhaps it's a professional hazard. ANyway, if you could get a job in Music in Canada, you'd get free healthcare. I still think it's important you level with your parents. You never know, give them a chance to surprise you. And with regards to girlfriend, why not go online and be frank about who you are and what you want? |
#34
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
My parents aren't going to surprise me...the only thing I can think of to say to them is, "I need you to leave me alone and let me live my life or else you're no longer going to be a part of it." No wonder I wound up back in my parents' basement at the first sign that my life wasn't going to turn out perfectly. I can always move back in with them and be 14 again. They don't seem to understand that there are occasions when their help or input is helpful, but that 98% of the time it just stresses me out and I feel like I'm being strangled to death. But, I don't see any way to end it without moving out again, which is too bad, because I could *really* use some time and space to get my life back on track and get healthy without having to worry about where my rent money is going to come from on top of everything else. But, it seems like living with them is stressing me out just as much as dealing with life was. I'm realizing that I'm not lazy...I'm just completely overwhelmed by life and need a period of time to be left alone to figure things out. I thought moving back in with my parents would allow me to do that, but all it's done is create pressure from my whole family who thinks I'm doing nothing with my life, combined with the stress of trying not to explode every time my mom acts like I'm completely incapable of handling the most minor detail. All my life, my mom has done things for me that I've never asked to have done. She'd practically wrote book reports for me in elementary school. She practically did my science fair projects. She made doctors appointments and filled out important paperwork. I've been passively living my entirely adult life because I've been conditioned from birth to not do anything for myself. Now, I can't musically make anything happen for myself. I only play gigs that other people call me to play. I only take students who seek me out. It's like I'm 30 years old and still waiting around for people to do things for me that I'm completely capable of doing myself. I guess that's laziness, but I'm beginning to realize where it's come from. I'm the youngest and last child, so I'm sure that my parents were trying to micromanage every aspect of my life so that it would end up perfect just like they wanted since they knew they wouldn't have another chance. My mom had actually started calling colleges and getting paperwork ready for me to apply to a school I didn't want to go to for a major that I didn't want to do back when I was a senior in high school. So, it's seeming more and more like the best option is just to move out, get an easy job that won't stress me out, and get into therapy and on medication and take back my life...even cutting my family out of it completely if necessary. I had to cut a very negative best friend out of my life a couple years ago when I realized that there was absolutely no way I could ever get better when I had him minimizing my every accomplishment and finding ways to make every conceivable situation into a negative one. I may have to do the same with my family if I discover that they are an obstacle keeping me from happiness. Regarding a girlfriend, that's not even something I can think about right now. I need to feel like I have my own life back again before that's even a consideration. Otherwise I'm going to end up looking for a girlfriend who I can turn into my mother and expect her to take control of my life for me. When I was in high school, I had a girlfriend who basically asked me how I could let my mom do all this stuff for me...she said it would drive her nuts. I remembering pretty much saying that I didn't really care and it made my mom happy, so who cares. But, now I'm realizing I should've listened to her then so I wouldn't be dealing with this now. It wasn't quite so bad when I was living on my own, but I still had my mom calling me every week and trying to have an hour long phone conversation about every little thing that happened to anybody in the family. I would try to tell her, "ok...we need to keep this short...I'm busy". But, somehow, I'd end up getting guilted into staying on the phone...sometimes for even an hour and half or two hours....I'd end up just setting the phone down on speaker and doing my dishes or something while periodically saying, "mmhmm...mmhmm..yeah...ok". Anyway, note to any current parents...if you try to micromanage every aspect of your kid's life, they may end up like me...living in your basement at age 30 while secretly hating you. |
#35
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
That's not true. Don't deny your own pain and suffering. Those with external scars are in as much pain as those with internal scars. You're denying yourself of what you really want. Listen to yourself. Have you read what you wrote? How would you feel if another person said this to you, said that they feel like they're worthless. That's not true! Stop it! You know you don't really want to get fatter and fatter just watching Netflix all day. And you're not feeling sorry for yourself and whining, you're reaching out for the compassion and support that you need. And that is normal. That is a human thing. So is masterbating, wanting to feel good. Everyone wants to feel good. But that's not the only thing that will make you feel good. Inspire yourself again. Find the inspiration once more. You won't find it in the basement. I think you'll find it where the sun is shining. Try taking a walk outside and just feel the wind, breathe in the air, look around, what do you notice? Just simply observe. And you can do it. Don't think about it, just do it. Go in your PJ's if you have to. Bite yourself if you have to, slap yourself if you have to, just don't think, just walk. Even now, whatever time of day it is, just go outside. Because if you've lived 30 years, that means you could live another 30 years. And that means, you do have willpower. When there's a will, there's a way. You can do it. Don't think, just do. Don't think, just do. |
![]() Anonymous12345
|
#36
|
|||
|
|||
Hello again,
I see from your reply that you are on your way to figure things out and make things happen. One book I would recommend before you can afford to go into therapy is Feeling Good by David Burns, cognitive psychologist. It is a self-help written by a true professional, well researched. There are exercises, too, if my memorery serves me well. One thing that striktes me when I read your posts is that you are critical of your parents. However, they too, are only human and have done as THEY thought best; they didn't know any different and neither you or they can change the past. You can, on the other hand, take a firm hold of the future. Going home to mull things over has served you well, you are getting some perspective, just don't get stuck. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of a good life. |
#37
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
|
![]() Nammu
|
![]() Nammu
|
#38
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
|
#39
|
|||
|
|||
Hello,
Just like to say that it doesn't really matter who did what to whom, but rather how you deal with it. The blame game, irrespective of where you place blame, is futile and will not improve your situation. Please understand that I do not wish to make you upset, rather stress the now and the future, which are the only places where you can feel good. What is done is done. If you can find it in you to like yourself enough to want more from life, you can move on. A walk on a lovely autumn day? |
#40
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I am already feeling a huge weight lifted as I realize that so many of the things holding me back were already firmly in place before age 10. I have realized recently that my adult life has been a gradual process of unlearning many of the things that I was taught by my parents which have been holding me back from obtaining the life I wish to have. I am also just now beginning to realize that my desire to please my parents and family (an act which is impossible) is one of the things keeping me from improving my current situation. |
#41
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
I hid my depression behind a mask of social politeness and smiles and after I married an abusive guy I hid that too....until one day I could not hide behind the smiles any more and tried suicide. Of course my mom wanted to know how I could do such a thing to her! For a while after everything broke loose I too was extremely critical of my folks, and everything else around me. Part of that was the years of depression that turned everything into a negative, part of it was learning to feel my emotions, name them, and get used to acknowledging that I had feelings other than happy & fine. This is just part of your growing awareness that "fine" doesn't work. I loved my parents and still do, we became closer and more comfortable after I went though therapy although there were a few very rocky years when my father felt I had let the family name down. Dad died years ago but my mother and I are now closer than ever before, I've learned that she went though a lot of depression too and wishes now that she had, had the strength to go to therapy years earlier. Your parents might just surprise you.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
![]() Anonymous12345
|
#42
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I do think that my parents could eventually surprise me, but it will not come from simply talking about my feelings to them. I've tried speaking to my brother like a human being but I am met with nothing but criticism and talked to like a child. I've pointed out to my mother that I am capable of doing things for myself, I've pointed out to her that pestering me about the same things 3x a week for 18 years does no good, but she doesn't understand. Simply talking and telling does no good. It will likely take something much more for them to understand. It's amazing for me to hear about your parents' reaction to your suicide attempt, because during the times when I have been the most down, the only thing that has kept me alive is the shame and disappointment that would come from my parents and family. It is not their love keeping me alive...it is my desire to not give in and know that long after I'm gone, they will be speaking of how much I let them down. There have been many, many times that I've thought to myself that once my parents are gone, I will either kill myself or cut ties to the family and disappear completely to live the life I want without feeling their judgement. Now, I do not intend to ever act upon the suicidal thoughts, but it just makes me realize how similar my situation is to the one you have described. A few years ago, a friend came to visit me when I was living on the east coast. I just mentioned to my mom that I was going to the airport to pick up a friend, and she wouldn't drop it until I told her who the person was...when she found out it was a female, she wanted to see a picture. I am a white male, and my friend was a black female...my mother saw this picture and pretty much immediately began talking about how I could not date a black girl. I told her that we were not dating although I wouldn't rule the possibility out in the future and that I didn't think it should matter since it's not 1940. Immediately, she began telling me how my dad would not accept it and if I ever married a black girl I wouldn't be in the family anymore and the relatives could never know. And that we absolutely could never have children because of various ridiculous reasons that aren't worth mentioning here. The first thing I thought of after that conversation was, "I really need to marry her...it would be the perfect way to never have to deal with this family again." I'm not sure why I'm mentioning all that, but basically, it would take something large scale like that happening before I could see my parents ever surprising me. And even then, whose to say that they wouldn't make good on their statement that I'd be out of the family. I do love them, but I wouldn't discount the possibility that the only way I'm ever going to be able to have a healthy relationship with them is by disappearing for a while to get my mind together without feeling their judgement hanging over me every step of the way. It doesn't surprise me to hear you say that your mother suffered from untreated depression as I would be willing to bet that my mother has done the same thing for many years. One of my grandfathers was an alcoholic who ran off, left his wife and kids, and never contacted them again, so there is clearly a history of mental illness on that side of the family. At any rate, I'm not trying to place blame anywhere, but ignoring these things and just focusing on the present and future doesn't seem like an honest way to go about getting better. I'm acknowledging that as far back as I have memories of my life, I've always pretended to be "fine" when I've been hurting. I come from a family that has always been "good!" even when we're not. I'm realizing that this history of pretending everything is ok when it's really not began in my family at least two generations before I was even born. |
Reply |
|