[Rose76]

Feeling kind of sad. Finding it hard to keep up with the things I need to do.

[Rose76]

Suddenly in tears. Feel overcome with grief.

[regretful]

Continued misery. Never felt this low before :-(

[herethennow]

tired. not too good. but i can't take time off; there's too many things to be done. busy period for school now..

[Bark]

Just want to give up.

[Clara22]

Please, don't give up, Bark

[SilverNeurotic]

I had this image in my mind about how I wanted to celebrate Christmas this year. A tree. A special day with my husband at home with a special dinner. Wine. Watching Christmas movies.
But right now I'm thinking none of it was going to happen.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Knitnut]

Clara, love the quote. So true. So hard to see sometimes.

Well, I got the call this morning that I will be going into Intensive Hospital therapy AGAIN. My trip home was so miserable, through my eyes, that it can't stop reflecting on the past and 65 years of failure, after failure. As a child whose father was mental, resented the fact that he had three girls and no boys, And who was seriously Bipolar and Schizo-Effective disorder, and who was also violent. To my failure in my marriage. To my failure to my help my violent son (started at age 9.). To other areas. I know my perception is skewed, but my trip home triggered this. My mother and sister are highly critical if me. My life has been significantly different than there, in good ways, and my mother in particular causes me to feel inferior.

My son yells a lot and is hard to live with, especially in public. These days he blames it in the Army..."the Army taught me to taught me to be this way."

So back I go six-hour, three days a week for group therapy...an hour drive each way.

Blah.... the abusive H wants to have Christmas with me and our son, ha, he supposedly broke up with the girlfriend he lived with, yet on our phone bill he has called her almost every day for 3 months, and lied to me, said he hated her and would NOT talk to her, what an a@@
I seriously think he is a sociopath..(too many reasons to list), just looking for a warm place and meal... but I will be strong even if we have to spend this time that is meant for family, as just me and my son together. I am not alone, but I kind of want payback, I hope he is miserable and alone this Christmas.

I hope the therapy really helps you bigcasper... hugs....

I like to give hugs but why do we have to have a badge to show it?

[Rose76]

I feel like SilverNeurotic. I had this goal of a really nice Christmas. I was doing, daily, things to make it happen. Yesterday I felt like I ran out of gas, and today I am depressed. I tell myself to fight this and just keep on going. I feel like that is a decision I can make. Somehow I have to try, even though I just want to cry.

[Pikku Myy]

Super duper happy today not sure what happened, but like it

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I feel like SilverNeurotic. I had this goal of a really nice Christmas. I was doing, daily, things to make it happen. Yesterday I felt like I ran out of gas, and today I am depressed. I tell myself to fight this and just keep on going. I feel like that is a decision I can make. Somehow I have to try, even though I just want to cry.

It is possible to get overwhelmed. Even though you feel depressed, this is NOT a failure, only a setback. Remember that.

[healingme4me]

Doing better than I was a few days ago. Still quiet, in thought, and working through all my stresses. With each day, comes a new one.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Bark

Just want to give up.

Don't give up, Bark!!

[Martek]

Feeling overwhelmed, not sure how I am going to make it through Christmas. I just want an end.

[herethennow]

Sometimes I wonder whether there is any end to this. *sigh*

My Christmas gathering (Sunday) invitee list seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Already I'm minus 4 people due to the impending snow storm. Another three say they will have to play it by ear because of the impending snowstorm. It could end up being a very small gathering with the people that really mean the most to me anyway: my husband, my brother, his wife and their two little girls. I really hope my brother and family don't crap out too . . .

Glad I have some volunteer work to do this morning and then getting ready for the gathering tomorrow and Sunday morning. Still feeling optimistic about my prospective new job. Just wish I wasn't shrinking into hibernation in my bedroom earlier and earlier each evening. Don't know why that's happening. I guess it's called depression?!

[regretful]

Utterly miserable, and I don't see any way out of this. I've never felt this way before; my last depression did not affect me this badly. Getting worse by the minute...

Major downer: my Christmas gathering set for this Sunday had to be cancelled. I was so looking forward to seeing everyone and hosting. Hopefully we can reschedule for a couple of weeks from now.

[Martek]

Holidays suck

[healingme4me]

Reflecting on the holiday seasons, of past, the bittersweet ones; they are just stuck there, in my memory bank. The one, I am replaying tonight, was thirteen years ago, today. I was sitting in my stepdad's hospital room. The nursing staff needed to place a special time release air freshener in his room. He was on a morphine drip. Just sitting in a chair, in his room, alone with him. He kept looking up, at me, but more like looking through me/behind me. That had to be the only holiday, that I did all my xmas shopping on the eve of Christmas. He'd passed on the 23rd. Four years ago, was my last holiday season with my mom. She was really, too tired, to move far from the reclining chair. But, a first for her, since she'd prior, professed to only want o purchase the kids educational toys or clothing, she'd bought the kids non educational toys. I push through the holidays, but at a more relaxed pace. Not many comprehend, what it means to not be out visiting nor to have visitors, for the holidays.

Feeling somber.

[Bark]

Last night was a bad night. Thanks for the encouragement.

[tigerlily84]

Haven't been here in a few days. I know that this time of year can be difficult, and I'm rooting for us all. We'll get through it in one piece.

I finally made an appointment with my therapist. I told her how I felt: that I feel like she doesn't "get" depression or me, that I felt like I didn't want to hurt her feelings. This was on Monday, and it was my last session with her. Also, her office is rather far and now that I have insurance I'm going to find a therapist that's nearby. I'm proud of myself for telling her. I still think I need to go to therapy though. My goal will be to find a therapist that's nearby and to take the time to find one that is a good fit.
I went to get some bloodwork done early this morning, per my doctor's orders. It only took me a month to go, lol. I'm just trying to focus on one thing at a time. Today was touch and go; I'm hoping that things can only get better.

I'm in a bad place, hoping for a better day tomorrow... Sometimes I really wonder if its worth fighting for some kind of peace. I realize we cant be happy every day, but I just want some once in a while... and some contentment....not constant waves of depression and sickness. It doesn't even help to know others are suffering right now, it just makes me think "WHY?" why so much suffering....

[sunsetsunrise]

holidays are something I try to get through. This year even worse than ever. Because someone I love so deeply is profoundly ill. It effects each breath I take. I cannot help people anymore. Can barely help myself. Big ice storm on the way. They say many will be without power by Sunday night.