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#101
Dec 05, 2013, 01:25 PM
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Up: Successfully just went through a disability hearing (where I was the attorney representative)
Down: It will be my last hearing, as I'm closing up shop and now looking for a administrative type job. Just can't handle being an attorney any more (at this point). |
 Bark, herethennow, tigersassy
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#102
Dec 05, 2013, 07:22 PM
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So I feel like I'm getting the run around a bit when it comes to my mental health right now. Had san appt with my t for her to evaluate me. What fun that was. She mentioned something about me maybe being manic, but I need to go to my dr for sure on that. She won't even talk to my dr unless my dr issues contact first. So how is my family dr supposed to help me if my therapist refuses to reach out from my mental health side? So I guess I'm going to have to see my dr next week sometime. Not that i'll have the money until friday to do that anyway. But I gotta do that find out if shes comfortable prescribing and diagnosing mental crap other than my depression and if she isn't I gotta find a psychiatrist to talk to then go through the whole thing all over again with another new person. My mental health nurse is out until the 16th for surgery. I can still call the office he works at and talk to a collegue of his if I need to. She'll have notes though as to what is going on, but its not the same. So frustrated right now. I'm trying to relax before bed, but there is no way I'd have been able to sleep before I got this out. But good thing is my mood is still up other than the irritated bit. How messed up is that? ups and downs all around.
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin  |
| Bark
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#103
Dec 05, 2013, 07:55 PM
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Seems like I always feel worse after therapy. Either it's stuff that brings up anxiety, or I seize on something that could be remotely negative and blow it up in my mind. Actually, it's both. I end up blaming myself afterwards. My fault that I'm not trying.
I've given up on my paper. I have a little bit of text... maybe I'll get pity marks for it. I really don't know what to do. I can't focus. I tried. My brain threatened to explode just thinking about what to read and write. And the presentation? Hah! Maybe I should give up on an education altogether; something I thought of in therapy today. Maybe it's pointless. I'm not smart enough. Can't even write a paper.... Last night, I tried to stay awake to study, but I was too tired. Tonight, I've given up on studying, and I'm up later than last night. Self-sabotage, I tells ya. |
| herethennow, tigerlily84
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#104
Dec 05, 2013, 08:56 PM
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Oh Bark I know all about self sabotage.
 I hate how depression makes us doubt ourselves. I can tell from your thoughtful responses that you are very intelligent, so don't doubt that for a minute. |
| Bark
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#105
Dec 05, 2013, 08:59 PM
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My next door neighbor's house got robbed. No one was home but it's still unnerving. There's been a lot of burglaries in the area.
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| Bark
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#109
Dec 06, 2013, 08:53 AM
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Quote:
I printed what I had (title page, a bit of writing, and references) and showed that to my professor. She told me it was fine. All I have to do is summarize experiments for my paper. Why is it so hard? She gave me until Monday. Hell, she told me to try for Monday! This is the second time I take this course. I feel like she really wants me to do well. I'll try again. |
| Anonymous37807, tigerlily84
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#110
Dec 06, 2013, 09:22 AM
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Up: am out of bed and doing laundry
Down: Have nothing much else going today, except need to facilitate a DBSA meeting at the jail and stop at the grocery store. I feel so useless.  I want a job and am getting tired of waiting for something to materialize (as I do work hard at finding something)
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| Bark, Rose76
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#111
Dec 06, 2013, 10:13 AM
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i miss being able to cry. since i started medication it's just been so hard, and i feel like there's so much things i want to let out through crying... but i can't. sigh.
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes herethennow: This ward is a prison! dx: recurrent MDD.
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is. |
| Bark, Fuzzybear, Rose76, tigerlily84
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#113
Dec 06, 2013, 05:21 PM
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Called my drs office and made an appt to see her. It'll be the 18th but I also asked that she give me a call when shes next available which won't be until monday at the earliest. I dint want to waste my time if she can't help or isn't comfortable helping. I wonder if my mood will remain up our if I'll crash. Only time will tell. But my mood is still up up up and I am not focusing still at all. I can't keep this up! Have had headaches everyday for the past week, but that could be weather change.
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin |
| Bark, Fuzzybear, Rose76
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#114
Dec 06, 2013, 05:21 PM
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I have the Winter blahs.
__________________
Technology and human potential don't have to be adversary positions .. we can use advanced machinery and advanced people. Likewise, the idealists on the right and the idealists on the left would do better for all if they worked on the same team. Get comfortable with combining positions and not choosing sides. -- Jim Channon, LTC. U.S.Army |
| Anonymous37807, Bark, Fuzzybear, Rose76
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#115
Dec 06, 2013, 06:06 PM
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I'm actually feeling... a bit better. I did the dishes I've put off for eternity, did some laundry... not feeling as negative about myself... it's a good feeling.
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| Fuzzybear, Rose76, tigerlily84
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 herethennow, tigerlily84
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#116
Dec 06, 2013, 09:27 PM
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Like a Level. That type of up/down...moving side, to side.....smiled, frowned, anger, contentment, wanted to cry, *sighed deeply*....I am ok, at this moment. glad for the cranberry juice, seeing it from a different angle...I can do, that now...
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| Bark, Fuzzybear
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| Rose76
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#117
Dec 07, 2013, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
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| Bark, Fuzzybear, Rose76, tigerlily84
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#118
Dec 07, 2013, 11:02 AM
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Why do I feel like I am forcing myself to spend time with a friend today rather than looking forward to it? I don't get myself.
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| Bark, Fuzzybear, Rose76, tigerlily84
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#119
Dec 07, 2013, 11:33 AM
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 if this is what it feels to be living for the rest of my life, i don't want to live anymore. i just can't stand this anymore.
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes herethennow: This ward is a prison! dx: recurrent MDD.
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is. |
| Anonymous37807, Bark, Fuzzybear, Rose76, tigerlily84
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#120
Dec 07, 2013, 03:02 PM
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I'm starting to panic that Christmas is coming and I still haven't had the carpet cleaned . . . . and won't put up the tree till that is done.
I tell myself: Don't panic. Just do what has to be done, starting now. Last Christmas was not a good one . . . didn't even put up a single decoration. Scared that could happen again. But it won't. It's under my control. |
| Anonymous37807, Bark, Fuzzybear, healingme4me, tigerlily84, tigersassy
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| Bark
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#122
Dec 07, 2013, 09:59 PM
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Just feel empty today - hollow. I think I should be ecstatic because I had cataract surgery on weds. And I can see better in that eye than I have in over 40 years. But I just don't feel it. Instead, I'm waiting for something to go wrong with it or that the fix with my other eye won't go well.
Was crying this morning - well, weeping. I was remembering all the really neat people who I went to college with all those years ago, but I never really got to know any of them for real. I missed out on so much because of anxiety and depression in my life. I think I'll climb out of my funk to go watch graham norton with my sweetie. He'll like that. He misses me when I'm like this.
__________________
"We will survive" |
| Bark, Idealsummerluvv, Rose76
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#123
Dec 07, 2013, 10:09 PM
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I've really given up on ever enjoying life again.
eh.
__________________
“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”. |
| Anonymous37807, Bark, Rose76, Touch of gray
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#124
Dec 07, 2013, 11:00 PM
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Still been feeling alright. Though I Skyped my parents last night and my dad didn't want to talk to me, said he "didn't have anything to say", even though he always talks to me when I call. That kind of upset me
Went out again with Chris, the guy I met on that dating site. It went pretty well. I just worry that I'm going to mess things up with him since I have no experience with relationships or dating. He picks up on the fact that I'm still a bit nervous around him and I'm not sure how to tell him why. He's always asking me about what's on my mind and I never know how to explain that fear to him. He seems like such a sweet, understanding guy I'm sure he'd accept it and work with me on improving my fears. So why is it so hard for me to say something?
__________________
"The rain keeps crawling down the glass. The good times never seem to last. Close your eyes and let the thought pass."
'Prodigal' by Porcupine Tree  |
| Bark, Rose76, Touch of gray
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#125
Dec 07, 2013, 11:55 PM
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Its almost midnight and I'm still wide awake. During the week I'm supposed to be in bed by 8, but its the weekend. I know I should regulate my sleep but is there a point in laying there unable to sleep and every noise being magnified 1000 times. Mood is still super elevated.
__________________
PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin |
| Bark, Rose76
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| Closed Thread |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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