[regretful]

I have been so miserable lately that I just don't know what to do anymore. My head hurts, I can't stop thinking about how I would be better off dead, and there seems to be literally no end to this misery and pain. Never before have I felt so trapped in my entire life...I wish that I could write something more positive, but my thoughts and feelings are so jumbled up right now, I'm just struggling to keep my head above water...thanks to the folks here for reading and "listening"...

[tigersassy]

Doing really good. Trying to wake up from dose of med dr prescribed to issue help coming down and getting sleep, but my mood is still up. I'm feeling like I'm slowing down some, but I just wish it was faster.

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Actually made it to a football party at our neighbors' yesterday afternoon. By 7 p.m. (4 hours after arriving) I was exhausted and glad my husband had a headache and wanted to leave. This depression is sapping all my energy. Feeling nervous about the Christmas Eve party tomorrow at my sister-in-law's. It's usually a late night, and I don't think I'll be able to swing it too late with this fatigue I've been having lately. Will feel embarrassed about having to leave early, while everyone continues to party on. I really do want tomorrow night and Christmas day to be over with. Just feeling stressed about it all.

[Knitnut]

Trying to find some kind of joy in life...anywhere. Well, other than Bart the cat.

Christmas with my oldest is never something I enjoy. I would venture four hour North to my other daughters house, but the weather is so unpredictable and the thought of crossing the mountains in the snow is not something I want to do...done that, didn't like it. They have a high tomorrow of 25, low 8 with snow.

I lived up there for a couple of years...love the snow and winter. We have snow here too, but most sleet.

My daughter here just asked me on the phone to bring a dish for dinner. Then called two minutes later to say never mind. I am confident my daughters husband vetoed the idea when heard her say that to me.

Also told her I have been sick since yesterday at noon...she thanked me for the vision. This is the child of mine that if I should ever be in the ER or Crisis Intervention, I would NOT allow to be called. I can find compassion from an acquaintance before my daughter would issue such emotion to me.

The most interesting part of this relationship is that I am the sitter for my very autistic grandson. Most of the time I feel like a necessity.

The only emotion I get from her is out of obligation, I don't even think she likes me, which us painful. I consider asking hr just that, but I fear the answer. I was in the ER for cardiac reasons not long ago...such and obvious inconvenience...it was a day off work and she had better things to do.

So, I will sit right here until Wednesday morning while the world passes me by outside.

[Bark]

Almost done packing... I'll probably be gone within the hour.

The anxiety has been eating me alive. I've been irritable and pissed off and wishing I was anywhere but here. Now I feel more... calm? Numb? I just want to crawl under the sheets and stay there... but I can't do that. I have to try holding it together a bit longer. They're helping me and I'm snapping at them. I hate snapping at my father. He doesn't deserve it. Neither do my friends.

I'll try pretending I'm fine... the worst is over with anyway.

Time is precious, my parents are elderly and coming for a Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow, along with my older brother who spent a great deal of time ignoring me for the past few years, so I will make the most of it. I'm not like my sister who can do everything, I'm no cook or hostess, but I'll do my best.
Hurt my back doing too much cleaning, mother taught me to be a perfectionist, (thanks mom)
Thankful, for a chance to have a good day tomorrow.

[tigersassy]

Crap

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[tigerlily84]

Yesterday was just a bad day. I was close to feeling like I wanted to end it all. This morning I felt better, and I was able to deal with the customers at work. Even though it was really busy today, it was a very festive atmosphere: one of my coworkers bought cronuts for everyone (which is like a crossaint/donut hybrid), and several coworkers gave me Christmas cards and candy. It was nice to read the kind messages on the cards.

Here's a picture of a cronut if anyone wanted to see: http://cpronline.com/wp-content/uplo.../09/Cronut.jpg

[Perfectly Broken]

I'm feeling better, spending more time with my family and even have a guy on the side. Guys may be interested, but what I really want is a friend to talk and hang out with (female friends don't have hidden agendas).

[regretful]

utter misery continues; coming to grips with the realization that I have an alcohol problem and that bad decisions as a result of that have ruined my life and the lives of others (my wife and my son)...

Seeing my pdoc this morning and am really hopeful he will prescribe a different antidepressant that will help me out of this depression! Prozac worked well for me for a long time - - then my previous pdoc took me off it in May or so (for no apparent reason). I think I will suggest it and see what happens.

[dandylin]

Bleh, not a good day

[Rose76]

I'm doing okay and still managing to not be depressed. Sometimes I am getting tense, like I have to keep a white-knuckle grip on this new-found good state of mind and mood. That's not the way to keep well, and I shall try to relax this eve.

For those who are not feeling too good today, I hope things get better. They did for me and I hope I can continue to improve.

[Bark]

I miss toilets that flush. I miss clean floors. But I'm going to be lazy and not do anything because I can't be bothered. All it would take is a little effort. I complain too much. It's my fault it's in this state anyway. Just whine about it and do nothing. I slept most of the day anyway. Useless.

[Clara22]

Hi,
I will be with my dogs tonight, it is too hot here, almost impossible to be. I am grateful I have air conditioner, many people do not have it in my country.

[healingme4me]

Woke up, meh. Shared something, that I don't feel was realized,,which in turn,,created a bond like no other. Which, makes today a really good day.

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[healingme4me]

Well about to move into another 'anniversary' date. This one, the beginning of my deepest darkest depressed days, '88. Christmas Day.

In an ironic twist, instead of opting for my usual, stay home in my pj's all day; and partly influenced by scheduling, since yesterday's plans were scrapped because of the ice storm in Maine, and coordinating available days...down to visit my dad, tomorrow, if only for a couple of hours. ((oh, and because of the icky weather, and school break week...I'm ready to get my kids out of the house!! just ready))

Driving is cathartic, so that's part of it. I've been welling up with tears, during random moments tonight. Kids asked why we go driving around looking at lights, and I said, that I like them, and plus it reminds me of the times we used to with my mom, when they were much younger. I told them, that sometimes, I like to think about my mom, and doing this, is part of that.

Bittersweet, is how the holidays are for me. Utterly, bittersweet. I don't fake it with a smile and bubbly attitude with my kids, either. I am not hiding my pensive nature from them, whatsoever. Kids, this is me.

[dillpickle1983]

Surprisingly I'm a little upbeat for the Christmas, maybe because I have all of you? Last year was rough, well every year since 2005 sucked. But that's another topic. So far So good for the Eve.

[herethennow]

it's 25th here already for many hours already (lol) so merry christmas everyone!!

i'm a little bit ok. but going crazy as i'm seeing T soon and i seriously have not done her homework and urm. well. i don't have anything to write on it

[ExiExi]

Merry Christmas to everyone!

[Bark]

I have been putting off typing up and sending emails for months. Short things, nothing too stressful... supposedly. I decided now was as good a time as any to send them out. Feels kinda good....

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, all!

[dandylin]

Trying hard today

[Grey Matter]

The "odd" depression has passed. No longer numb. Now I just feel myself falling and falling. Back on this ride again, then.

[Bark]

I want to spend my days in bed, it seems. Everything is painful, tiring, overwhelming. I could tackle some dishes, sweep up a bit... or not.

I thought of getting out today. Meh.

[herethennow]

doing okay today. ironic thing is that i'm feeling okay yet somewhere inside me i'm sui.

anyway, happy boxing day to all of you