I think my depression is improving somewhat. I don't feel as low as I have over the past few months. I think my job search in my field (law) and related optimism has brightened my spirits. My self esteem has improved because I'll at least be staying in my field and using my law background, as opposed to getting any old job through a staffing agency. I had so much negative self-talk going on before, and that has lessened. My husband has even said he can tell I'm in a better mood.

I wonder if the switch to Prozac has anything to do with it too. I did so well on Prozac for many years, up until my former pdoc had me stop it last May . . .

[herethennow]

down. back to where i was. feel like si-ing. feel like just disappearing from the surface of the earth. i couldn't handle the feelings at work today so i went to hide myself in the toilet and cried. this is just frustrating.

sometimes when my friend says "i want to kill myself" in such a jovial tone and not a serious manner, i feel like shouting, you sure you want to kill yourself? you sure you want to feel this way everyday? to be at war with yourself? to keep smiling while inside of you is just constantly telling yourself to just attempt it? or even worse, really attempting it and failing? and thereafter you have to face the backlash from yourself for failing a sui attempt? YOU SURE YOU WANT THAT?

but nope i'm too amicable so i just keep quiet.

[regretful]

Feeling lousy today; back on lexapro because the remeron wasn't working. Now I'm very anxious; I hope that it's temporary. I can't go on like this...I was depressed before, but nothing like this.

[Rose76]

I think I'm on my way up from the abyss. 'Bout time.

[mulan]

Tired, very tired. I have been sleeping poorly for weeks because it seems that my brain likes to run over everything I hadn't though during the day. I had some positive points in the day, I talked to different people and more time than usual, but I know I can't make a big deal of it because I had made my self believe in illusions so many times. On the other hand I had lunch alone and then I hide my self in the bathroom, because I want nobody to se me alone. I think my memory is a litle bit better, but I haven't tested for real. Now I'm a bit anxious and not feeling myself and out of the mood to speak and feeling fake when I do so. Even my thoughts feel faked, not meant. I realy need sleep.

[StarStrike]

My tutor caught me rubbing my eyes and struggling to keep awake... My brother struggled to get me to go out for a meal when I came home from college. I just wanted to keep locked up in my room with closed windows. But eventually he persuaded me to go out. I still wish I didn't go. I'm wondering if my doctor made the right decision by not putting me on medication... Because I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go out, I don't get enough sleep at night and no matter how many times I try to see the good side to myself, the bad things overpower it and I tell myself I shouldn't exist and that little voice in my head may be right. And it scares me that I agree. No wonder I have the number for the crisis team high up on my phone.

[tigerlily84]

I have a migraine and I'm at work. It's difficult to form words, let alone talk. Food is helping only a little. I doubt that my boss will let me go home early. Wouldn't be surprised if she fired me. They seem to just try to find reasons to let people go around here anyway. Wish I could just say to hell with this job. Blah

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

I'm doing good too much energy though. Even with a death in the family. That sucks and I'm afraid that I won't be able to be "sad" the day of the funeral because I've been as up as I have been. Grrrrrrrr...... If it isn't one thing it's another.

Sorry for your loss! I ALWAYS get what I call "nervous energy" at times like this.

I might have "too much on my plate", but its not all depressing, I am feeling more confident.
The waffles I had this morning tasted good with butter.
I'm going to make something healthy for supper, maybe ground beef and veggies...
We are what we eat to some extent.....haven't eaten properly in months....I think its helping

[Bark]

Past two nights I have woken up over and over again. Can't seem to sleep the night through. And the dreams feel like real life... they're horrible.

Depressed, but I can still go to class and laugh with friends. Distraction is good. And it gets worse at night anyways. Like now. I'll have a snack because I'm starving, but I don't feel like it. Thoughts have been starting up again.

Recovering from a fairly bad depressive night on Sunday. Doing pretty well ever since, thanks to a few that truly care.

[Rose76]

Recovering is really great when it hits. I'm kind of recovering myself. What a relief.

[tigerlily84]

I went to the doctor today. I told her about being depressed, the panic attacks, everything. She did prescribe some medication (which didn't surprise me in the least). She also gave me a referral for a therapist and even recommended 2 books for me to read. She was so understanding, and took the time to actually listen to me. It was nice to be heard.

[seeminglyreal]

Feeling really overwhelmed and panicky.

On edge and anxious. A partner of a law firm I really want to work at as a paralegal responded to my email yesterday and said he'd discuss my resume with his other partner that afternoon. Hoping not to be too forward, I just emailed to inquire whether they want to interview me. On pins and needles waiting for a reply email or phone call!

[Rose76]

Feel pretty energetic today. So glad that heavy blanket of fatigue has lifted.

[Raggedy Man]

Hi, I haven't posted anything in the last couple of days because I didn't want to bore anyone with my problems. I was surprised someone stopped by my profile to say they missed me. I didn't expect that. Anyway, I am still here. I'm super depressed right now and doing all I can just to hold on. If I can make it till tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and am hoping I get the help I need. I am going to ask her to refer me to a psychiatrist or therapist.

The therapist that I called twice and emailed once finally emailed me back and said that she had dropped the ball at getting back to me. You think???

She said that she didn't have any groups going presently and needed to update her website. You think, again???

She did recommend me to someone else, but it's too far away.

[Raggedy Man]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I went to the doctor today. I told her about being depressed, the panic attacks, everything. She did prescribe some medication (which didn't surprise me in the least). She also gave me a referral for a therapist and even recommended 2 books for me to read. She was so understanding, and took the time to actually listen to me. It was nice to be heard.

Thanks for posting this. It gives me a little bit of hope. I really do hope my doctor is as helpful when I see her tomorrow.

[tokiwartooth]

Still haven't been able to get to Murphy to get my water sampling done. Will have to go on Friday and then finish it on Saturday It snowed a lot yesterday and it was hard to get out of my apartment driveway, and going to Murphy would have been dangerous with the roads the way they were. I think Friday is supposed to be nicer and warmer...

[StarStrike]

Had a busy day ahead of me. Straight after breakfast I took a parcel to the post office. Then after that I went to the job centre. I was told I needed something from my college and that I could hand it back into the job centre the same day if I had the time. So, I didn't have time to have lunch because I had a bus to catch. Got to college exhausted (I'm still not getting enough sleep) and hungry. I went to ask my engagement adviser for the letter I needed and she questioned if I'd eaten lunch. I told her I didn't and she instructed me to take a bacon sandwich out of the staff room and eat it on the area where the soft chairs are while she sorts the letter out. I wasn't going to argue with an order like that. So I did as she said. Then she came out to me with the letter and a danish which she said was for afters. Before I went home at the end of the day I went into the staff room and she had pre-wrapped some bacon sandwiches and a danish because they'd only go to waste if they weren't eaten but I had to have the danish for myself and not to share it with my brother. I wasn't going to argue with that either. On my way home I stopped in the job centre to drop off what they needed and I got told that I should post it. One person tells you one thing and another tells you something completely different. Was it really too much trouble to take one measly letter to the guy waiting for it upstairs? Apparently it was. So all in all... I've got people at my college worrying that I'm not eating enough due to being in a poor financial situation plus my memory falters so much that I forget important things such as money to buy lunch or having a shower when I need one. Either way... I'm glad the people at this place actually care about their students unlike at the last college I attended. I'm still exhausted. But at least I'm not starving.

[IcryWhoAmI]

I'm so miserable

[Raggedy Man]

And now my doctors appointment has been cancelled due to weather. I don't think I can hold on one more day...

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Raggedy Man

And now my doctors appointment has been cancelled due to weather. I don't think I can hold on one more day...

Sorry to hear that. Were you able to reschedule?

[Raggedy Man]

Not yet.

[Indie'sOK]

Well damn.

It's ridiculous, how long it's been since I've posted on PC. Back when I first signed up, I used to spend hours here. I guess a lot has changed since high school.

I don't know why I've been so down lately. Granted, January in Michigan is no picnic, but not even the horrible weather seems like the biggest reason for my mood. I'm just so lonely. It's especially obvious when I'm alone in my car at night, driving to or from college on Mondays, or going home from my boyfriend's house. I was with him today and we were watching television, my head against his chest. Out of nowhere I caught myself thinking about this loneliness and tears started to run down my face. I don't think he noticed at first, and if he did, didn't say much about it. My sadness is nothing new to either of us. He knows how I feel, and all he can do is try to listen and encourage me to keep going to therapy. Lately I've been making appointments to see T, but I cancel them at the last minute because I don't feel like going. I promised myself I'd call tomorrow and make one and actually go this time. Until then, I'm stuck.

The only things I'm looking forward to are the arrival of spring, and my appointment to get my first tattoo at the end of February. I'm finally tattooing over my SI scars. I'm hoping this will be a healing experience.