I just want to start with saying I'm not actively suicidal, I wish I were though. It seems like I can't even do that right.

I knew my life was over in early May this year. Through the summer, life was ok, but pointless. And now I realized that really was my expiration date.

I have no hope in anything…if I could at least have hope in one area of my life maybe I could survive, but there's nothing.

To other people, being in a relationship may not be high on their priority list, but to me, I need physical affection and I've never gotten it and never been made to feel fully comfortable with it. I don't feel like most of it would be appropriate in any other relationship. And I didn't get it as a child, so I have this need that was never filled and will never be filled. Apparently, I really am just that unlovable.

I have no hope of achieving any career goals. I'll just end up doing nothing in my life and just sit in my apartment day in and day out doing nothing of any real importance.

I had a reason to live before April/May…I wanted to see the premiere of my first symphony and then after that, what is there to live for? There are no more premieres. I don't hardly get to play anymore. I'd move back home to feel "needed", but they treat me like an object. I just want to be a person.

I'd actually been so good about not harming myself until this week. But now, I say F it. I cut deeper than I had in a while and it felt good. Besides, who cares at this point? Why do I keep holding on like an idiot? Why would I be so stupid to think someone I was attracted to would be attracted to me and would lower themselves so much to give me a chance even if we're completely compatible.

Words cannot describe how I feel…there is no point in even getting up in the morning anymore. There is nothing.

[Yoda]

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I have had hopeless times in my life and somehow I got through them but I am not sure how.

[the abyss]

no one knows what lies around the corner, unless you turned in to a prophet in the last few hours, and if so can you tell me the lotto numbers !.......i am joking.
you could walk round the corner and meet the love of your life....stranger things have happened.
so things are not working out at the moment for you, that happens in everyones' life.
do not give up keep going, persevere, take small steps...i had to... and things got better.
take care

I tried…I thought I met someone, I've thought that I've found job opportunities, but no, I'm always kicked back down. I'm just done. I can't do it anymore.

But thanks for the quick responses Yoda and Abyss, that does mean something to me even though I can't really feel it right now.

I feel like I opened myself up and was actually trusting someone and that with a little more time we could be emotionally close. But I feel betrayed…I really hope it's just a misunderstanding, because otherwise it'll take another couple of years before I open up to anyone else and I really need to be close to someone both emotionally and physically.

[Clara22]

Hi,
It is hard to feel that way. But I do not understand when you say that you are unlovable. do you really mean it? Because if you are as intelligent as it seems you are, you know that it is not true. Nobody is "unlovable" Such a thing does not exist. Hope I am being clear and I do not come us blunt, sorry I am a non English speaker and my English sucks.

[Marla500]

sometimes you just need to get it out of your system. allow yourself the minute and distant small thought that you can come back from this. once someone on the threads called it a 'spark.' I loved that, cause I think we all have it no matter how small. it is patient too, it stays there until you are ready! best wishes for you!!

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
It is hard to feel that way. But I do not understand when you say that you are unlovable. do you really mean it? Because if you are as intelligent as it seems you are, you know that it is not true. Nobody is "unlovable" Such a thing does not exist. Hope I am being clear and I do not come us blunt, sorry I am a non English speaker and my English sucks.

I'm basing my opinion of my lovability on what I can observe. The only "love" I observe has to with monetary rewards and my skills. It has nothing to do with anything that makes me a person. People may love me, but they love me as an object, not as a person.

Even so, I was referring mainly being loved romantically. For some reason, it's difficult to find someone who even finds me attractive, let alone finds me attractive and will stick around to actually get to know me and is able to find my body acceptable from the neck down.

I just want to be loved romantically, but I realize that's a stupid dream to have.

Originally Posted by Marla500

sometimes you just need to get it out of your system. allow yourself the minute and distant small thought that you can come back from this. once someone on the threads called it a 'spark.' I loved that, cause I think we all have it no matter how small. it is patient too, it stays there until you are ready! best wishes for you!!

The only things that would make me happy would be to get a job in my career field and/or have the guy who I liked (and indicated that he liked me too) would stop ignoring me completely. I mean, if he doesn't like me, why pretend he does? And why even bother with me if you're going to find someone else within the week (I haven't gotten confirmation that this has happened yet, but as it always happens, there's a high probability that he met his real girlfriend immediately following our first "date" which was a very successful so I don't know what I did…I guess I shouldn't have been myself and shouldn't have been truthful. They're probably going to get married. Well, you're welcome! You met your soul mate just trying to get away from me. That must be special).

I'm obviously not even worth a "hi" or "sorry, I'm busy, I can't talk right now". I'm sorry I wasted your time…but to be honest, if you don't want me to think you care about me, don't indicate IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY that you do.

I didn't have a life after school anyway. I don't have a career…I'm not married/in a relationship like ALL of my peers. I can't stand being the odd person out…never living up to what I'm supposed to be. I can't though…I "expired" back in May.

[Onward2wards]

For what it's worth, I feel quite a lot the same lately. Good luck to us both.

[puzzclar]

That's how I feel, congrats on your premier

Yes, the premieres are nice (there have been many over the last few years), but they really don't get me anywhere. It's just like this has all been a big joke.

I guess I just feel so terrible about myself…to me I seem selfish, unproductive (or not productive enough), guilty, stupid, ugly (well from the neck down anyway) etc. etc.

I just feel like I'm a waste of money and the world's resources. What am I good for? I try to contribute, but no one really cares.

I keep getting mixed messages from people too and I'm so confused and fake since almost no one knows the real me.

I've felt so much worse today…I'm having trouble just pretending I'm ok. I don't know if it's the circumstances of the past week or because I just raised my medication again. I can't go to the doctor because she'll just say that I haven't been on that dosage long enough to stop. I went from not self-harming at all to self-harming or really wanting to all the time. And tonight will be a week from the last time I've heard from the guy who I guess just pretended to like me. I just don't get it. What does he gain from this? Did he like me UNTIL we spent time together and if so, why did he answer my first text and then none of the others?

I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can FIX it.

[Clara22]

It is not always your fault

I unfortunately realized what's wrong with me and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I'll always be a hassle and a burden to other people.

I kind of feel like I'm past my expiration date too... I had a specific date in mind but didn't do anything. But I'm trying to find a reason to live.

[Clara22]

Hi I am the end
And what is the little you can do?

[Damage, Inc]

I know how you feel surviving three half-assed attempts on my life which seemed sadly almost funny looking back. My last involved overdosing on pills ending with no harmful effects whatsoever, so I guess there's some reason I'm still around. I currently take no medications besides the one I'm given in a clinical study and that could be a placebo. Some days I'm high on life and its infinite possibilities, wondering how my story will end and others I wake up wishing it was over with already and that my inner turmoil and stormy moods would end.

What little I can do is not worth anything in this world. Maybe it is if you're lucky. So it doesn't matter.

So I'm left with no reason to get up in the morning. Will I feel better if I got a random job that has nothing to do with my training or skills? Because it's not like I'll get a job using any of my 7 years of training or skills that are worthless to this world.

And just give up dating…if I'm not worth the effort to even talk to every once in a while, forget it. And that's from someone who likes me. I already know how much worse I'll be treated by someone who doesn't like me.

It's beyond cruel that I'm still forced to live.

[doyoutrustme]

I have been suicidal on varying levels. It was helpful in a way because it made me realize how little anything matters, and how much I let small stuff bother me. I stopped letting stuff just happen to me and started to happen back at life.. cause hell, I might be dead tomorrow anyways.

Sent from my HTCEVODesign4G using Tapatalk

I wish I could be dead tomorrow so I'm not a burden on everyone anymore. I don't see any way I could ever be happy…I just fail. So why do I have to suffer through 50 more years of being alone and a loser?

I've expired. I don't even the right to be alive right now.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello I.Am.The.End-

While I do truly understand how you feel, and often feel the same way about myself, I am going to tell you that you are wrong. You so have every right to be alive, just as much as anyone else. It breaks my heart that we so often feel like we are a burden when we need support and understanding and caring. I once read something about suicidal thoughts that has always stuck with me-it's a trick. It's the depression and the despair that tricks your mind into thinking that you have no worth and should end your life. The depression and hopelessness tricks us into thinking there is never going to be an end to what we are feeling, there will never be a moment of peace, never will be a moment of happiness, never will be an end to all the despair. And, I'm going to repeat what I've said to other people who have lost all hope-you have no way of knowing what will happen tomorrow or the next day. Yes, past history paints a picture that the future will be nothing but more of the same-but no one can know that for sure. Something could happen that will be the onset of change for you, something that will turn things around to give you the happiness and peace of mind that you so deserve. Maybe it will be a small little thing, something that you wouldn't think would end up being a catalyst for positive change in your life. Maybe it will be a big thing, an obvious thing. Either way, no one can say that they know what will happen in the future.

Please know that there are other people who are struggling with similar thoughts and feelings-you are not alone. Please continue to turn to this forum and talk about your pain. You deserve to be supported and listened to and cared for and seen. I hope that you will return and let us know how you are doing. I wish you all the best, as you deserve.

I feel embarrassed about posting that now…it's not that I want to kill myself necessarily, I just want to accidentally die.

And I believe that I'm a burden for several reasons:
1. I'm a burden financially…I haven't figured out how to use my education or experience to get a job that earns decent money and I'm barely making any right now so my parents are paying for everything. And I'm supposed to be saving for retirement? How?! I can't even find a real job in my industry, so I have to go with what I enjoy second best…which is ok but I'm afraid the hours or the pay won't be enough or I won't have enough experience because that's not what I've spent my life doing. And this is after being told my whole life that I'm so "talented" and whatnot by quite a few people.

2. I'm a burden when it comes to dietary restrictions. I can't dairy because I'm allergic. I'm also vegetarian (partly because of allergies, partly by choice). So imagine how much a pain in the @** it is to make sure there's food for me to eat when ever I go to a get together or come home.

3. I'm a burden emotionally as I'll always need more support than I can give. I try not to get too close to people so I don't drain them.

4. I'm a burden because I'm only book smart and stupid with everything else, I'm too naive for my age, and I'm too childish (not to say necessarily immature; I just do childish things like um…sleep with a stuffed animal and treat them as if they're alive to a certain extent…I've reverted further into a child state after graduating from grad school).