Whilst thinking earlier on, several phrases popped into my head. these arent as such questions i am asking for the answers to. call them retorical if you will...

What do you do when your foundations crumble from under your feet?

What do you do when the only person who can repair these foundations is the only person who is destroying them?

What do you do when you fall off track and cant find your way back?

What do you do when you crave positivity, yet the surroundings scream out negativity?

What do you do when you turn to someone for support, only to find nobody there?

What do you do when the day turns to night and no lights guide your way?

What do you do when the only people who should be there for you would rather try to condemn your actions?

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Im having a rough time with things right now, and i suppose these are questions i keep asking myself.

Things show no sign of improving. during a heated conversation/row with my dad last night he stood there, looked me in the eyes and said "i dont believe you will EVER be a success in music" then he continued "what do you actually have to make a go of it with, what cards do you have on the table?!" he also told me how he is disapointed with me and that he envies other parents who have "proper" sons. he fails to see the hard work i have invested in over the last few years to keep myself going, he never tells me hes proud of me, or that he understands. just that hes disappointed and almost ashamed.

My Auntie (nans sister) was taken to hospital 2 weeks ago with a very bad chest infection and still isnt better now, and whilst visiting her, my nan (who lives here, 3 hours away from where my auntie lives) also fell ill and was rushed to hospital on friday, turns out she has pnuemonia. she is still there now and it looks like she will be out earliest of thursday, maybe friday if she makes a speedy recovery.

My sister has big arguements with my dad causing a heavy atmosphere in this house. she is still the same, she hasnt changed, doubt she ever will. shame i think.

My dad is still seeking comfort from alcohol. hes been drunk for the past 3 days. he picked a fight with an innocent person saturday. and picked an arguement with me last night. he seems to think all his answers are at the bottom of a lager can or a bottle of wine!

and me...well i seem to be becoming unhappier by the day. feeling so so lonely, and to put it how someone said to me earlier, where do i turn for that reassurance, that love and care, that support? i seem to be a shadow of the person i was a month ago, and all that seems to be happening is me slipping down the slippery slope. it got to the stage last night when i turned to god and prayed. i got on my knees and prayed. i havent done that since my mum was in hospital just before she died 5 and a half years ago. i cannot continue providing support for myself, not at the moment. my music is slipping away, i seem to be disconnected from it right now. if i could have one wish int he whole world, it would be to have a good enough singing voice, and the knowledge that i have it. i know i will go so far with that knowledge. but i know i havent got what it takes. my dad said it all..."what have you got, nothing!" i suppose hes right.

I am missing PC so much, i try to post comments to other peoples threads, but i just cant find any words of encouragement and sometimes it hurts me. i feel selfish for only posting about myself, it isnt how i use to be a couple of months ago. maybe its the cold weather, it always makes me down. i crave the sun, and i detest the cold, rainy days.

Still, i wont give up. i dont know how to. i havent given up yet and i dont intend to either. i just have to keep on plodding along, in the hope that tomorrow, the sun will shine upon me and grant me my wish.

thank you for listening.

simon

[biplol]

(((((lil' bro)))) don't be so hard on yourself.
One thing I've learned overtime is that my parents issues, "aren't my issues" I have developed some because of their behavior, but that doesn't mean I have to carry theirs into myself.
I'm here, scream if you want, swear if you want, I won't judge you, I'm no one to do that and if you are mad, so be it, you have the right to feel mad at the craziness around you.
PM me anytime!

[Numbers]

Hi
You are something and you do have talent.
-For music
-For expressing yourself
-For helping others
-For hanging in there and keeping things going even through the bad times, and not only for yourself but for others too.

If you need help and need to post about yourself but don't have any resoursces to give from, then that's ok, cause I for one owe you so much.

You've got so much, so don't believe it when your dad says you havn't, and if you never get your music recorded and sold, well then play for yourself. The music buisness isn't only about talent and hard work but also about luck so don't let it bring you down.

I hope you find a spot of happiness soon

[domino]

Simon if you want something really badly, you have to try to succeed no matter what. Don't let your dad discourage you and put your down. Believe in yourself. If you like music then go for it. Try your best to make your dream come true. If you don't think you've got a good enough voice then in that case take lessons even though they can be quite expensive or go to a near by local club who have singing teachers and ask them if they can help you out. Second option try to find someone that you can form a group with and who could sing with you. Try and find options and don't let anyone put you down. Try to prove to your dad that he is wrong and that you can do a thousand times better than what he thinks. I'm sorry that you have to live in such an atmosphere with your dad drinking and shouting. I can understand how bad you must be feeling right now. I think you can do it Simon. Just believe in yourself.

[jacq10]

((((Simon))))
I'm so sorry things are not going well for you. I know how discouraging parents can really make you feel worthless. I know how much pain they can cause, and although i don't know everything about your situation, it is clear how much they have hurt you. But just know that you are a strong talented person, and although it may seem like it, you don't need your fathers approval. If you just follow your own heart and dreams, things will fall into place, and i'm sure that one day your father will look back and realise what a talented son he has.
And i know it doesn't mean as much (as compared to in real life) but you are never alone on here, and don't applogize for just writing about yourself. That's what this place is for, lending support. Maybe right now you are not in the place to lend that support, but thats okay. We've all been there, and you've been there for me at times when things were bad too. So this is me trying to give back, and reassuring you that you have every right to express yourself - on here, irl, and especially in your music.
I know that you can do this. Take care of yourself
Jacq

[Boopers]

Simon, don't listen to your Dad. You know it's the booze talking and not him. He probably left reality a long time ago.
Prove him wrong! Let him know that you WILL be a success! If you believe in yourself, all things are possible.
I'm just sorry you don't have his support but hey, you've done it without him so far, right? Besides, I'm sure your Mom is looking down and smiling upon you.
Just because you need a little support right now, doesn't mean that you aren't going to give it back later!
I'm with you, the rainy, cold weather can bring one down. Keep your chin up and remember we all care about you. Come on anytime when you need a hug or just to talk.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Simon)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Linda

[JonB]

Simon-
Sorry to hear things are going so rough for you now. Sounds like your Dad is having some problems of his own, which is, still, no excuse. Keep building yourself up. If you can't get support from where you'd like it, try and find it somewhere else - though, I know that takes energy and effort you might not feel like you have right now.

If you can't find a teacher or friend to support you in your area (music?) - try finding a "virtual" guru. Read a motivating book like "Free Play" by Nachmanovich (about creativity in music) or "The Artists Way" by Cameron (about building up confidence in your inner artist/musician/writer). You said you weren't giving up. Good for you! Books like these can really help keep you motivated when your family is raining on your parade. If you can't find a teacher, mentor, or therapist to support you (cost prohibitive?) you can at least get a book from the library.

As far as your support system, well I learned long ago that, as hard as it is, you might have to step aside from the one you were given and create a new one for yourself.

It doesn't sound like anything you do is going to make your Dad happy, so maybe start focusing on making you happy instead.

Keep breathing in and out and try to keep that spark of imagination and inspiration alive. Like you said, you "have to keep plodding along" only, once in while, skip just for the hell of it - even if you don't really want to.

Thinking positive thoughts for you....

Simon, you've always been one of my closest friends here. i am pulling for you and have the utmost faith that you'll reach down and find what it takes to get through this awful spot. you're in my heart.....love, pat

[Soidhonia]

Hello Simon. The ideas that come to mingd regarding your post is that you maybe need to talk to your therapist about getting a case manager, aboput helping you if you need help in the future, or if you are confused about what steps to take when you hit rock bottom. Sometimes there are resources in the comminity that may be able to help you when you get into a crisis. and a good support group can help you as well, if the support group leader is concerned about the members of the group. Two good groups that I attend are DBSA(depression bipolar support alliance) and NAMI(National alliance on mentla illness)_ that will be in your area. they are both on the internet if you would like more information, regarding support groups. I am going to leave you my email address in case you need to email for more information I will try to help you if I can if it has to do with support groups or resources in the community that may be helpful while you are in crisis. My email address is neohiodbsa@yahoo.com. Email anytime or leave a message for me here at Psych central if you need more information. Take care Soidhonia

Thank you all for your support. it is certainly what i need right now. i believe that my dad is trying to destroy me just so he can sit there if i didnt make it a success (which wont happen, i know that for sure!) and saay "i told you so!". i know he meant what he said though, because when he says things when hes drunk he always apologises if he didnt mean it, but he hasnt apologised to me. hasnt mentioned it since. so i know he means it, but today it doesnt bother me, i think thats because i have found support from you all so i feel more supported and stronger. i guess i just needed that reassurance from you guys here. i can do nothing more than thank you all so much for your help.

i am going to look up those books for sure. i will take a trip to my library this week, i have friday off work so i will go then, read it over the weekend.

thanks again. you are all great people.

simon

[JustAPixie]

((((((( Simon ))))))

[sammi]

((((((Simon))))))))

I'm not sure how to word anything to help you feel better. But know that you can pm me anytime if you just need somebody to listen. Don't let your father pull you down with him. Remeber to just keep believeing in yourself even if he is not. You have a wonderful talent in music, don't let him tell you otherwise.

take care (((hugs)))
sammi

[prettyjolie]

wow simon, i'm so so sorry about what you are going through.. i wish i was there to be there for you, you really need that, we all do.
but you are a wonderful helpful person..
its just unfortunate that you aren't around people who can see that, so you can be who you really are and to your full potential..
Your father is very lucky to have such a great son that cares about him. Most would run away from this problems, but you face them and deal with them. You are so brave.
I wish i could help you the way you've helped me..
One day your dream is going to come through and you will prove your father wrong. Just believe in yourself, like we all believe in you
take care of yourself

aww thank you guys.

i am making positive steps forward recently. im not sure how many of you remember me saying about Julie, a girl in work i like alot. well i got her mobile number today, we are getting on well lately so i thoguht i would make an advancement, and get her number. so i am working on that, taking it day by day and not expecting too much, only expecting things to work out how they should naturally, nothing forced. i know that if i left it and didnt get her number before i left i would regret it, so i might as well try.

and ont he music side of things...i have requested brochures for colleges in ym local area, and they should be arriving soon. i have talked to my dad about turning our spare room into a music room for me, putting a keyboard int here so i can learn to play piano. i told him that i want to go to college and start singing lessons and piano lessons int he new year, as well as college. i told him i willg et a part time job whilst i study. he seemed ok about it. but he didnt hang around to talk about it for long,s o i dont suppose hes very keen on it. but i actually dont care though, the way i am now is that the more people put me down and act negatively towards me only boost my enthusiasm and determination. i have tons of determination, more than i have ever had and i know that i will make it.

so things are on the up. my sister has moved out and so the atmosphere has relaxed abit and my dad seems calmer.

all in all, things seems o positive to me. i really appreciate the lows i experience because it makes me appreciate the highs and it makes me more enthusiastic to succeed too. im beginning to see that maybe i do have some sort of talent. somebody paid me such a huge compliment in an email i recieved recently. they told me that for 10 years they have been holding emotions inside, and they have been unable to wirte their feeligns down like they use to. but they said after hearing my song "smooth" for the thrid time, it got them into writing and ended up writing over 20 pages!! they said it was my song that unlocked that and it makes me so proud to knwo that i was able to help somebody unlock such an important door for them and to knwo it was the first thing in 10 years to help them do so is such a compliment. the best one ive had to date, and it has made me so happy because i class "smooth" as an experimental song and i didnt think it held power like that. so if i am capable of that for my first ever non-lyrical song, i get excited to think what i can achieve with more effort and singing.

thank you everyone. i wouldnt be able to do this without any of you. you are helping me improve my life so much and i feel such a different person. i feel i have been granted a second chance at life and i am going to make the most of it. i appreciate what i have been given and even though there are negatives in my life right now, i know how to find the silver lining. and thats what i am doing. everythign in life has a good side, it might be hard to see, almost impossible sometimes. but it is there.

i will be sure to keep you all updated on both julie and my college work.

thanks again.

simon