Snap

Hi All

How you doing?
I'm not doing very well at all. I'm soooo depressed. I don't think i'll ever be able to cope and live a normal life. I want to be getting on with life. I want to be learning and doing full time uni. I don't want to feel like such a loser bumb anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm going to do such horrible things to myself. I want to be able to cope. I'm soooo soooo sad. I feel so alone in this. I don't think I'll ever recover. I'm in such a rut. I want to be doing things and I want to feel competent. I'm so sad. I've actually come to the point where I've snapped. I don't think that I will be able to continue on for much longer like this. The way that I feel is not going to keep me around for much longer. The meds don't have an effect on me and I'm just a failure anyway. It probably sounds like I'm whinging a whole heap but I'm just so desperate. I can't function as a normal human being.

I can't study. I can't work. And i just feel so low about myself. How do people get back to living at a speed that suits them?
I would be so grateful for support right now because I'm so so low!!!!

Love yee all

Sezzie

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Sezzie said:
I can't study. I can't work. And i just feel so low about myself. How do people get back to living at a speed that suits them?

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Sezzie,

First, consider yourself safely hugged if you would like a hug and could use one. All my love to you in this hard time.

Because you asked what you did in the part above, if you would like, I will share just a little about how "this person (me)" managed to get back to functioning.

For me, the hardest part I used to think was being in pain. But it was not until after the pain stopped and my soul almost died that I realized the actual gift was the ability to feel. That pain told me a couple of things. First, it told me that I was still ALIVE. Second, it told me that somehow, even inspite of it all, on some deep level, I was fighting to stay that way. Third, it told me that there was hope for healing. Just like our body, when the pain stops, the nerves are dead.

As odd as this sounds, this is how I personally got through the dark spots. Some of this I learned through a T. Some of it I learned from others. Some I learned just by analysing myself after I was functioning again to see what helped and what did not help.

1) I found that when I was sad, trying to cheer myself up did not work. So I just allowed myself the time to experience the pain and sorrow. I did not try to avoid it in any way. I put myself in my bedroom. I set up groundrules for myself ( such as no weapons or way to harm myself, I had to tell my best friend what I was doing -- in my case I called her and said "I need to experience this pain right now. Will you please call me to check on me in 1 hour?" ) Then I went into my "safe place" under "MY RULES" and I let my soul experience all the pain that was inside of it. This is NOT easy to do and it was so hard on my body sometimes. But when I was done, I was so free of the poison that I could not believe it. When I told my T what I had done the first time I did this, he was impressed and happy with me. That also helped me to want to do this again whenever I felt like I needed to do it.

2) I had to realize that lonliness was very real and very much a personal thing. I knew that my family and friends were real, but my soul did not see them. The pain did not accept that I was loved by anyone. All I could see what my anger and pain. And that was ok. So I learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. I was not alone in the process. I was fortunate in that way beyond all words. But I was lonely, and I was the one that had to heal before that would change.

3) I learned to reach out for help. It is so wonderful to see you post for help. It is heartbreaking to know that you have this pain. You are a fellow Human and I love you with all my soul because you are my relative because you are alive. So I see you as being very brave and bold to come forward and ask for help.

This might not be much, but I do hope it helps at least a little bit.

Wendi

((((((((((Sezzie))))))))

I also feel like I'm snapping, but today, I forced myself to do the opposite of what I felt like doing (lying catatonically on the couch). I forced myself to eat something, get up. it worked eventually (after many attempts and counting to 3). once I got up, i actually started to feel a little better.
But, I am by no means 'healed' so maybe i'm not a good person to be giving advice right now....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sezzie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ouch)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



Linda

Yup

I'm still feeling like hell! But the posts u guys have done have cheered me up a bit. Tomorrow I have to go see my therapists. Woo hoo (sarcastic). I feel just awful. I hate droning on about this stuff but I need to talk to someone heh. I may start taking meds again, very reluctantly though. I just don't see things getting better. It's just so dark. I've taken quite a few different meds but there's been no stability or any lift to the utter crapness that I feel. I've kind of sorta stopped going to my group thing I'm supposed to go to. Just coz they always make me do these dumb chain analyses about being late, not doin stuff and all this other stuff that's totally irrelevant for me to get better. It aint gona help me stop being depressed or bulimic by picking on these minor things. Never talk about things that are important. I feel that the people on this website are more helpful. My therapists picking on me for these minor things just makes me feel more like a loser. Anyway, whinge whinge whinge. I feel so bad.... I went ape at my parents. I was so rude and such a cow. Woops. My mum was being an absolute cow to me though but I guess that doesn't mean that I need to reciprocate. I feel absolutely %#@&#! about myself at the moment!!!! Arrrggghhh hellllpppp meeeee

Love

Sezzie

((((sezzie))))
ok firstly it is possible to recover b/c this time last year i was contemplating stuff very similiar to what ur alluding to now and now i am what they call "recovered"...it was alot of work and possibly the actual aftermath was worse than the depression itself b/c i had to learn to function and feel like a "normal" person again, but well worth it...so this is what i'd suggest:

1)just take the meds and go to the grp thing...ur not doing urself any favours by fighting against it b/c it is help that is being offered to u. but i could say that til i'm blue in the face but in the end it's your choice...i know what choice i made tho and what happened to me.

2) tho, tht said, make sure the help your getting is appropriate for u...if u don't feel like it's doing much more u then go and get some new help. in order to get out of this rut ideally u should be able to respect urself. after all, how can one gather up strength if they do not respect the person they are gathering it for? i realize this could be pretty difficult for u atm tho, so the alternative is respecting ur Ts enough to give up ur illness for them. so if u don't think much of ur current Ts, get some new ones.

3) Get to the very root of the problem and confront it head-on. ask urself when did ur depression start? why do u think it started? u already know that u feel really bad about urself, but how did it get like this? for me my depression started somewhere around the age of 8 and gradually worsened. it was a response to all my family problems, particularly my mother, as well as some dodgy genes that certainly didn't help things!! she wanted to keep me as a small child b/c chn are safe when they don't have minds of their own. i wanted to be an adult so i could get the heck out of there! i've been told i was a particularly intelligent and creative child, and i think this made me especially sensitive to what was going on around me. years of emotional abuse as i became the scapegoat for my family's problems meant the depression dragged on and eventually became what they clinically term as "chronic".

4)journalling, reading (esp stories of others who have overcome - great inspiration), drawing and talking about it all help. so can alternative stuff like massage and oils. writing a list of stuff u like about urself and stuff that u've accomplished.

well, i hope ur appointment tomorrow goes ok, and that what i've written is of some help it won't go away overnite and that's really, really hard...but hang in there, it does get better, albeit rather subtlely, so that u don't even notice at first, but then u wake up and realize that "one day" has already come. and that is the best feeling i believe anyone can ever have.

all the best
Love n hugs,
Zomb

There is hope for recovery. I, too, have been at that very low point where you don't feel life is worth living & you are helpless--being consumed by sadness. I found that medication does help tremendously, but it took a year of trial & error (a year of hell) to find the right combo for me. Then once I was stabilized I was able to make some progress in therapy & change my lifestyle in order to reduce stress, get toxic people out of my life (family members & some friends), start LIVING again. I've found something I never thought I would--joy. You can, too. We'll be here for you.--Suzy

P.S. My mother was from N.Z.