"Oh, just snap out of it!"

1) You need to develop a POSITIVE attitude
2) Life is what you make it
3) Stop feeling sorry for yourself
4) If you think "depressed" you'll BE depressed
5) I don't want to hear about your problems!
6) Oh, your just a complainer...stop whining!
7) Just read a book/take a walk and you'll feel better
8) Your just feeling sorry for yourself
9) You need to just pull yourself up by your bootstraps!

Why do ignorant people who have never experienced depression themselves seem to think the answers to treating depression are as simple as a one-liner?. It's like someone without children trying to tell someone with children how to raise them. I'll tell another thing too. While I've never had problems on this (or similar boards) I can go to any other kind of board and get along fine, make lots of friend, etc but the very SECOND I get bummed out and even mention the word "depression", I get ganged up on and treated like some kind of whiny little freak who is just feeling sorry for myself and trying to drag everyone else down with me. Anyone else ever experience this?

- Just some thoughts (for whatever they are worth)

YES!!! Around the time I was first treated, mostly. Even from my doctor, of all people, one of the least supportive people I've ever met. My family, my "friends", acquaintances... very few people, in fact, seem to understand either of two very important things: 1: We have no control over depression, it JUST HAPPENS and 2: if we could fix it our selves, WE WOULD HAVE BY NOW!!!
It is very frustrating to hear things like that. Even something as little as a well-meant "Smile!" from someone who has absolutely no damn idea makes my heart sink. I know exactly what you mean.
There is something to be said for attitude, though. Recognizing symptoms and battling them by monitoring and altering your thoughts positively can be helpful, if you have the ability at the time, so it's not all garbage. But it is definately not that simple. No one liner is ever an all-encompassing solution.
Misery loves company... I guess that's a downfall as well as a blessing for any support group. Sometimes it's hard for people to deal with the emotions of others when they'e already having trouble dealing them selves, and they find that being around others who are depressed does actually bring them down by making them focus too much on the depression. Keeping positive is difficult. But if they don't have the energy to deal with depression in a depression support group, maybeit would be better to stick to one-on-one therapy until they are strong enough to help others as well?
Just a thought, I'm no expert.

Grey Goose: This is a great list of the ignorant sayings that we depressives hear. It just makes the depression worse, because on top of feeling bad, we are now instructed to feel guilty and even worse because we are unable to "snap out of it."

I have found such comments very, very hurtful, and they push me down deeper and deeper into misery.

The biggest help I ever found was the repeated comments on the depression forum that I was sick. I heard it from Ts, too, but seeing it here over and over again finally penetrated the thick cloud of unhappiness and discouragement around me. It was only when that thought was fully and completely my own that I could have enough hope to take tiny baby steps to help myself and to dismiss the ignorant comments of people who don't understand depression.

We have had public information campaigns for many diseases. Through repeated exposure, smoking has declined in some populations, more women than ever get mammos, and even AIDs has been contained in many western countries.

Depression has become widespread in post-industrial societies. It is time for a massive public information campaign to help people understand this nefarious disease and put an end to the hurtful ignorant sayings. IM not so humble O.

When I first began reading your list...I was hoping (sigh) that it was going where it went and not "one of them." heheheh While I disagree with someone not being able to "tell you how to raise children if they haven't had any themselves" and like teaching, you are absolutely correct in that NO ONE who has NOT had depression can fully understand it TOTALLY.

There is book-learning, and there is experience...and while I wouldn't want anyone's T to have been depressed, there's a line they just can't "cross" when it comes to "knowing."

Here's another "choice" saying some ignorant ppl say:

"Well, I've been depressed and I just got through it!"

Obviously someone who says this really wasn't depressed. They may have been blue, or incidentally down...

(I try very hard not to use the word "just" in ANY post or speech.)

sigh. as I post this, I'm on hold with a su*cide hotline.go figure...ended up there by clicking on a "ad" on the bottom here...one site to another and voila... here I wait. sigh. Why???? again?????

Yes, it truly is amazing some of the things clueless people will say (without thinking) to those who suffer from this debillitating disorder. I've suffered for 20 years so I've heard it all (and then some). If eliminating depression was as easy as just "putting on a happy face" or " keeping a stiff upper lip", that would be great but unfortunately, it is'nt quite as easy as just throwing a cute little phrase from the 1950's out there and expecting everything to be "ok".

Life sure is'nt easy sometimes and I don't know what I'd do without God, family, friends and forums like this one. Probably go nuts or something. By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS to you (and everyone else on the board)!!

Yes, I have heard those same things. My father started it back when I was a child - my mother was schizophrenic (not diagnosed until I was 12) and I have had major depression since I was a child. You can't just "snap out of it". And I do agree that some positive behavior can help build positive attitudes but it takes LOTS of time and work. It does not happen overnight. I just posted about having two days of something resembling pleasure then fell back down in the well without warning. I wish the media would spread the word that we are not depressed because we want to be - I would like nothing better than to be well and at peace.

We need to just get the support and understanding from the people who know how to care.Some just don't have a clue and when we are depressed the last thing we need is their opinions!

Hi folks,

I agree with everyone so far, particularly about the family responses to depression.

Here is a thought. People near to us try to negate our feelings. Why do they do this? It's not because they don't see the depression, it's because they do see it.

I think that relatives of depressed people are absolutely scared ****less by depression, and the fear that it might happen to them. In the words of one psychologist, "It's the elephant in the room" - that everyone sees and no one wants to talk about.

In a wider social context, depression is a feared illness. One friend said to me about posting on this board - "Well, do it if you want to, as long as it doesn't mess with your head, and drag you in." She may have been talking about some treacherous quicksand, not about an honest and caring support group. The fear was even in her voice as she spoke.

In my view any form of 'mental illness' is a phenomena feared more than pretty much anything else. It's the thing that nobody wants. People are so afraid of it, that they can't even admit that it's there.

I don't expect everyone to agree, but this is how I see it at the moment.

Cheers, Myzen

Yes, and even here there is a limit to the support when your depression becomes really dark. You aren't allowed to post how you're feeling at that point. Guess I'm that elephant.

Myzen and Sky -- These posts are very interesting.

SKY: I'm familiar with posts that might trigger being pulled. I guess at that point, the member must PM and seek crisis intervention specifically designed for that purpose. I'm sorry that that happened to you, Sky. And I wonder how Taonuviel is doing, as I haven't seen a post from her in a while, and have no reponse to a PM a few days ago.

MYZEN: I like your explanation but it doesn't help me much to deal with the outright cruelty of some stigmatizing behaviors. My mother -- who, I must point out is 80 -- thinks that it's a really Deep Dark Secret.

I also am forbidden to let any relatives know that I am an alcoholic in recovery. I sent myself through outpatient treatment twice, and I've been clean and sober for 15+ years. I think this is a remarkable achievement -- especially since I remained clean and sober through very dark depression -- but I get no credit for this. Instead, the message is to be ashamed, be very very ashamed. Would she rather than I had remained a drunk?

Oh well, as also has been said, we must get support where we can, avoid those who hurt us. Form "families of choice" where those of blood fail us.

I still hark back to my idea that a public information campaign about mental health would be a great public service. I think most of the stigmatizing results from ignorance as much as fear.

Ug I hate that list....
My parents used to give me that crap all the time. "You do this to yourself" "Just feel better what is your problem."
I even had a counselor that made me write a list of things I could do to "take my mind off of my depression." I hate stuff like that it is very partonizing. It feels as though people do not take what we feel serious/ just do not want to deal with it so they give us a one-liner to get us to go away.
*sigh*

Jessica

I can appreciate everything you all have said about other people's reactions to depression.

Here's a different perspective, though. Many of you know that I have been part of this board for about 2 years now, trying to get help for my fiance. He has suffered with severe depression. I have joined several support groups, read every book under the sun, attend therapy (psychologist and psychiatrist) with him to make sure I understand and can be the most supportive possible. I am one of the non-depressives that "get it".

But...

Before you jump on the people who don't suffer from depression and who don't "get it", please understand what it's like to live with someone who is depressed. It's no easier for them to stop wanting you to "snap out of it" than it is for you to expect them to just accept that there isn't much you can do to change. Part of the disease is that depression clouds possibilities with negativity. It was completely frustrating to see him lay in bed all day crying when help was available. He couldn't reach out, couldn't understand that with treatment, he could feel better. He saw his situation as completely hopeless.

You can't imagine how frustrating it is to watch someone you love suffer like that. Think of what it would be like for your spouse or parent or child to have a painful and debilitating disease, let's say cancer, but refuse to try anything to cure it -- won't go to the doctor, won't try medication, won't get therapy. They just assume that nothing will work and that they are doomed. You'd want to shake them, scream at them to think of what they are doing not only to themselves, but to their families who have to sit on the sidelines and helplessly watch them needlessly suffer. The only person who has any control of depression is the person who is depressed, but that person can't always see that there is hope... because they are depressed. It's a vicious cycle.

I agree that the things that GreyGoose listed are typical of someone who doesn't understand depression. I am not excusing them. But even for those of us who DO understand it, it is VERY difficult to not resort to thinking things like that when the suffering goes on for months and years - needlessly. There ARE solutions. If you haven't found your solution yet, please don't give up... you haven't found the right medication, the right therapist, the right support group... but it is NOT hopeless.

I belong to several support groups for spouses of depressed people. A common theme is that it's like listening to a record that has a skip in it... the non-depressed person will walk over and move the needle... the depressed person will see themselves as being incapable of fixing it so they won't even try. But, the depressed person is in charge of the record player, so, everyone else in the room has to listen to the broken record. (that was just an analogy ... don't take it literally, please).

I think that my fiance's case was rather extreme, based on comments from many of the long-term members here who had helped me through my trials and tribulations. However, he is MUCH better now, thanks to finally hitting on the right combination of medication and finding two fanstastic doctors (after many failed attempts). It was a rocky road, though. Depression almost ruined both of our lives, but I wouldn't give up on him. I'm glad I was persistent and that he loved me enough to try... not for his sake (because he didn't think anything would work) but for mine.

I KNOW you can't just snap out of it... it takes a lot of work. I'm sorry you have had to hear trite comments like that rather than the support you need and deserve. I just thought you might get some insight from what it's like on the other side of the fence. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but if I did, please PM me and I will make the appropriate edits.

In the family department, I am lucky. I have only one brother and he and I finally started talking about my mother's schizophrenia and my father's abandonment when my mother died in May. Turns out he was always afraid it would happen to him - and I was always afraid it would happen to me. Instead, I have just suffered from major depression and anxiety and her death finally gave me the freedom to tell my brother this - I am on medication now and he and my sister-in-law have been totally supportive. I think they are a little uncomfortable but try not to show it. It is sorta like the elephant in the room that no one acknowledges seeing.

LMo...Right on! I agree with you. I too, am the spouse of a man with depression...among other problems. I am no where near as informed as you...but I am learning more every day.

It is so frustrating when someone you love suffers from depression. I want to help him...fix him if you will, but I can't. If there was a "depression switch" I could just switch off for him, I would. I have to fight not to be overprotective of him...which is weird. I never want him to be hurt by other people's narrowmindedness...but he's tougher than I give him credit for.

Luckily, he's been very open with me and together we are learning the best coping strategies for us. I liked you record player analogy. Paints a very clear picture.

LMo -- I think that is a good reminder. It's good to be given insight into the other side of the equation.

What has been frustrating for me, however, is that I did keep on trying -- even when the steps I could take were minimal. I got out of bed every single day, even when I felt like killing myself.

I choked down food because I knew I had to, even when my mouth was so dry it all tasted like sawdust.

I kept trying little CBT techniques. I used the forum for support when I had nothing else.

And to have my brother tell me to go ahead just kill myself -- and my mother that I wasn't doing anything to help myself -- was NOT helpful. My T's mouth gaped at both of these comments. "You do nothing but try to help yourself," she said.

Not everyone has a loving helper like you, LMo. My mother's comment, I would say that came from ignorance. And when I told her it had to stop, it did. But my bro -- I don't know where he was coming from. Sounded a lot like hate to me.

Wants2Fly... I know you try... I know my fiance tried, too. For him, getting out of bed felt like a huge accomplishment. I am proud of you for taking the steps that you have.

Like 1dayatatime said, it's hard not to be overprotective and try to 'fix' the other person. I can totally relate to the overprotectiveness. My family and friends all wrote my fiance off as "lazy" -- I wanted (and sometimes did) scream that he can't help it -- but of course, it sounds like a big excuse. We go through the same kind of stigma... but as "enablers". We "enable" them to be depressed. That drives me insane, because the unspoken accusation is that we must be sadistically wanting to keep the depressed person down for some psychological gratification of our own. I think that's why we try to "fix"... we don't WANT them to be depressed -- we want them to get better as quickly as possible, so that WE aren't subject to the stigma, either! And the most frustrating part is that it physically is SO EASY to take some steps toward getting better. But for depression sufferers, psychologically it seems impossible, or at best, would take a huge effort to get very little payoff. To the rest of us, the solution seems really really clear.

About the overprotectiveness -- I can completely relate to that part, too. But, our therapist took me out of that role. She said it doesn't help in the long run and that if there is any protecting to be done, she will do it instead and relieve me of the 'responsibility' (isn't it weird how it feels like one?)

(ps W2F - your family sucks. I would like to have a few minutes, a baseball bat, and them in a back alley... >:-()

good thread.

Part of the frustration in depression too is that I remember how it was when I wasn't depressed. (I haven't always had major depression) I go to therapy I work hard... depression keeps winning not for my lack of trying.

i feel the same way i cant tell anyone whats going on in my life cause everyone just puts me down or makes some type of comment and i hate it some people dont understand us and i want to know why we all have times in are life where we need help more than others.
i cant even say to my own mother how i feel cause she just put me down and tell me stop whinning put deep down inside me im hurting so bad and calling for help and no one even cares or knows that i am there

I'm certainly glad you came to our forums, tclark.

I don't tell anyone in real life either. Basically, I simply told my doctor that I had been crying a lot, which was no way to live. And I asked for medication. Being able to share here, with people who have the same problems, has helped me a lot. I have no understanding person in my life either. Seems we both came to the right place.

Oi, I'm in a philosophiocal mood again, never mind my ramblings

I think one of the problems is that the word "depression" is abused amongst absolutely everyone... "I feel depressed" or "I am depressed" are terms used without the real meaning added to it (that is, clinical depression). Medical doctors have minimal training in psychology, and many of them don't have any interest in it either, and are thereby often not better than the "man on the street" when it comes to seeing the difference between a real clinical depression and a normal down. Dangerous, if you ask me, but luckily the awareness of this is slowly rising.

Some people seems to underestimatewat they don't understand as a protections towards it instead of learning more about it. The attitude towards suicide and depression in general is horryfying, also amongst health personel!

In addition, it seems like "happy" is the only legal state to be in, so if you cannot describe yourself as "happy", you are "depressed". Some people seems to forget that the "depression" you feel when someone dies usually just are normal grief (of course, for some this turns into a malicious depression, but still we have something called grief that is normal). It's painful, but normal. If you wake up one morning and feel blue, you are not depressed... but many people say that they are anyway, or use a slangword to symbolize depression... when it's just a normal pattern of ups and downs.

This neglective way of using the term "depression" have lead to many fallicious beliefs about "depression". Sadly enough this is of course worst for those who really are clinical depressed, who then are feeling evenmore worthless since they can't even "get over it". I think though, that the person who says/implies "just get over it" is actually thinking of this normal moodswings, and not really "depression". Truly, if you wake up one morning feeling a bit cranky, and mutter and complain all day, and make everybody elses life a hell because you don't feel good, the phrase "get over it" has a certain value.

But, clinical depression is not something you just wake up with in the morning. It is something that develops over years. Of course it will then take years to "get over it" too. In addition, it is not something that just happens to develop with just anybody. It is a complex, intertwined bundle of different things, linked to social environment, developmental experiences, biological setups, personality traits and you name it... it takes a bit more than fresh air and proper eating and sleeping to cure it... though of course, for someone who has experienced a "depression" as a result of vitamine deficiency might believe that ALL "depressions" will be cured with three yellow pills bought in a drugstore.

We humans are so incredible (!) terrible when it comes to generalizing...

I have a list of terrible things said too, and I have just picked them from my family, friends and co students (!):

"Suicide is the most selfish act I know about. I don't get how people can be that mean" (my mother)

"He just have to stop smoking marijuana and then everything will get good again" (my brother in law)

My then 17 year old nephew felt he couldn't communicate with his parents and told me that he would like to go to a family psychologist to learn to communicate with them. This is my sisters (my nephews mother)response when I told her: "If he wants to do that he will have to tell me that himself"

"I believe in what the famous philosopher said: the depressed get so fond of being depressed, of the sorryness for themselves, that they can't get out of the self loving depression" (a co-student of mine, in a clinical psychology class. Luckily the professor didn't agree with this statement)

"She must be stupid, she can't do one sensibel thing. She's always been immature" (my mom about my bipolar aunt, when my aunt is in a (very) manic phase)

"Grown up people that ends up in jail deserves it, no matter what" (my brother in law's comment when I told about a patient of mine with 63 in intelligence (mentally retarded) who was in prison)

I could make it longer, but I don't want to. When I hear people uttering senseless things like this, I feel sorry for them, and the people around them. Imagine living in a world so overcrowded, and know so little about the different things concerning people around you? Imagine having to deal with human beings almost every day, and yet being so totally unaware of the different aspects of BEING a human being? Imagine not even knowing your own species better than that?

What a SAD SAD fate...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Well said, Charlie!

here is another one

Dont even think about it

Just stop it

or my favorite:
I dont even want to hear u thinking about it or i will kick ur @ss.

ive heard them ignored them and all that... stupid huh? I think everyone needs to experiment a weeks worth of depression to understand.

Post deleted by SkyBdark

<font color="blue">Now that would be a new university course: class take this med and check into the psych ward for your imposed depression. We'll discuss it all week, and reevaluate depression next week. Those wishing to become psychiatrists have to stay 2 weeks. LOL

Here's my favorite: "Quit being so lazy. Why don't you go out more?"