[paynful]

Not wanting to live... is not the same as... wanting to die.

The ONLY thing I got out of a traumatic Therapy session was a new term: passive suicide. I didn't know such a term existed, but it didn't make sense to me.

I'm so very, very tired, and it hurts to much just to be awake. I don't know how my body is still functioning.

I won't ...I would never... seek out more pain.. in any form. But I'm not positive that I would strive for life anymore. At least, I wouldn't fight to live today... I'm too tired to do anything.

If I found out I was dying from ... I don't know, an illness, a disease or something... would I try for the cure? I'm not sure that I would. The thought of the end of my pain... seems like a relief.

Is that what passive suicide means? That I'd be okay to let myself die? Some people would call that mercy... some people would call that cowardice.

Bottom line... I feel conflicted, because I know I should care... but I don't. Maybe I will feel differently when I'm in a more healthy frame of mind, but.. which side of myself has more validity (especially since I am more depressed than... content)?

I just don't know.. but does it really matter when I'm not about to do anything about anything?? Probably not.

Sorry for not making any sense and the venting.

[regretful]

Paynful...this makes perfect sense to me. Late last year (Nov/Dec) I had some digestive issues, and I secretly hoped that it was a terminal illness...because it would be easier than depression. The result was depression causing the problems. And I ruminate about not wanting to be alive. I think that is what passive suicide means. I wake up wishing that I was no longer alive. It is that I just want a relief from the pain...I'm glad that you reach out on these forums.

I thought it was expressed REALLY well.

[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

I know exactly what you mean. I have often prayed every night that God would take me in the night. I have often wished I would get a terminal disease and just die. If I got cancer would I fight it and go through all the chemo, and radiation, and surgery. I don't know if I would. My grandpa got pancreatic cancer at 75 and chose to have no treatments. Everyone was very upset and wanted him to fight it. He didn't have depression or anything but he was very content just to die. I really respected that and understood.

I think of passive suicide as sub-consciously doing self destructive things. Like slowly killing yourself with drugs and alcohol or reckless driving.

[dandylin]

I understand completely. I once told my therapist that a "good cancer" would work wonders. I understand the difference. You expressed yourself perfectly

Besides hugs, I would like to say something....

I am under the impression that passive suicide is a term meaning that you think about dying a lot....from causes other than yourself. "Wishing" death would 'happen' to you.

From this post, you seem to be apathetic, even toward death.

When I was at the bottom, I longed for an unconscious state. A respite from the pain (very real pain), the exhaustion and the INCESSANT ABSENCE OF "WANT".

Depression had taken away my 'want' and left me with apathy. Which is worse, even, than any negative emotions.....At least then I would feel...

But apathy leaves you without even the desire to seek help.
Someone on the outside has to seek it for you. I know that you have asked someone on the outside to do that and they seem to have failed you. But don't stop asking. Ever.

[Lillybet]

I also know exactly what you mean. Just going through the every day paces some days is just too hard. I am not seeking to die but I find living too hard.
I have often thought that I would not prolong my life and would let nature take its course if I contracted a terminal illness.
Until I read this thread I did not connect it with depression I just thought it was me because I am still functioning. Light bulb moment.

I understand this perfectly. If there was a button I could push to end my life, I wouldn't press it, but I don't exactly want to be conscious either. It seems my only relief from the pain is sleep - - and I'm only given the luxury of that about 6 or 7 hours a day. The rest is hell and emotionally tortuous with no end in near sight. I guess what that means is I'm holding out due to some hope that this 8-month long depressive episode will end some day. I just can't end my life, but I hate living too.

[Denman]

I guess for me, I'm upset that I am in so much pain despite being on medication .....
I was kind of hoping the medication would take away the pain, but it isn't.
I try to sleep, but can't, so I lay in bed all day hoping sleep will come.
But the pain is still there.

Originally Posted by paynful

Not wanting to live... is not the same as... wanting to die.

The ONLY thing I got out of a traumatic Therapy session was a new term: passive suicide. I didn't know such a term existed, but it didn't make sense to me.

I'm so very, very tired, and it hurts to much just to be awake. I don't know how my body is still functioning.

I won't ...I would never... seek out more pain.. in any form. But I'm not positive that I would strive for life anymore. At least, I wouldn't fight to live today... I'm too tired to do anything.

If I found out I was dying from ... I don't know, an illness, a disease or something... would I try for the cure? I'm not sure that I would. The thought of the end of my pain... seems like a relief.

Is that what passive suicide means? That I'd be okay to let myself die? Some people would call that mercy... some people would call that cowardice.

Bottom line... I feel conflicted, because I know I should care... but I don't. Maybe I will feel differently when I'm in a more healthy frame of mind, but.. which side of myself has more validity (especially since I am more depressed than... content)?

I just don't know.. but does it really matter when I'm not about to do anything about anything?? Probably not.

Sorry for not making any sense and the venting.

Hello Paynful: Yes I would say you have a good understanding of the term: "passive suicide". Your post struck a chord with me because, from my reading of it, there is an underlying question as to how long a person can go on just not caring about anything. To some extent this could easily become a philosophical issue. But I don't want to go there. Still I think it is a very valid question (& perhaps one I will post on.) Is it possible for a person to go on living not caring about anything &, if so, for how long?

We sometimes hear the expression: "s/he died of a broken heart." I don't know if it is really possible to die of a broken heart, except in the mechanical sense of the term. I often wonder, in my own case, how long can I keep up this ruse I'm maintaining? I've been doing it now for probably 4 plus decades, throughout my adult life. Sometimes I just feel so tired I feel like I just can't stand it for another minute. Then time passes & I just keep plodding on. But can I keep doing that for another 10, 15 or 20 years? I don't know. It seems as though, at some point, it will have to affect my health. Maybe it has already. I certainly am worn out all of the time.

Anyway, please forgive my musings. This is a subject I have often thought about. I hope that you do begin to feel better & that you are able to find things to care about. Even if it's possible to go on living without caring about anything, that's certainly not a desirable way to go.

[SparkyCat]

I've often said over the last few weeks that I wish I could just curl up and make the world go away. This really does resonate with me. I don't want to commit suicide but I just want everything to go away. I can't even get that when I fall asleep as it's disturbed and full of all the nightmares I live through and worry about all day.

I've often thought about what would happen if I got actually sick. I've been in and out of doctors telling me that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me for my whole life, I've got more negative test results than you can shake a stick at, and yet..I dunno. I still think about it, dream about it.

I never look before I cross the streets nowadays. When I pray it's only for death.

At this point I don't care enough to commit suicide.

[TheOriginalMe]

I tried twice to end my life and failed. The only thing I regret is that failure took away the option of trying again, I saw the pain I caused to the people I love and know that I do not have the right to put them through that. So here I am, plodding on just like Skeezyks. 25 years ago, I feared that life would be just as bad for the next 50 years, now I'm at the half way stage (well the stage that it would be reasonable to assume is halfway) and the next 25 years only seems possible because I know that if I've done it once I can do it again.

Like Zinco

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I think of passive suicide as sub-consciously doing self destructive things. Like slowly killing yourself with drugs and alcohol or reckless driving.

except for me it is through over-eating, one day diabetes or heart disease or cancer will catch up with me..........
When I had a MH assessment recently and was asked about suicidal ideation, intent and other self harming, they scored me as low risk, simply not recognising the passive suicide that I've endured for the last quarter of a century. They dismissed the intrusive and graphic suicidal ideation that plagues me daily as something that I can cope with because I don't turn the thoughts into direct actions, yet I am passively destroying myself through an unheathy lifesyle.

I never wish myself rid of depression, I don't believe that is possible, but I have a forlorn desire that in keeping my pain I can somehow "save" another person from this living hell.

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I never wish myself rid of depression, I don't believe that is possible, but I have a forlorn desire that in keeping my pain I can somehow "save" another person from this living hell.

See now there is Meaning in that.

I don't have much hope that my depression will ever get any better either. I base this on a lifetime of experience and treatment and the fact that it has only gotten much worse in recent years.

I am trying to find Meaning anyway.

Thanks Paynful, that actually explains how I feel pretty well. Never wanted to commit suicide, but I won't mind dying if death came upon me suddenly in some form.

[nija43]

Originally Posted by paynful

Not wanting to live... is not the same as... wanting to die.

Exactly.

When I was in intensive care because of my last attempt to commit suicide, my wife told me later that, at one point, I regained a feeble state of consciousness when she and a doctor just happened to be there. The doctor told me that I was "lucky to be alive" and that she tearfully asked me "Why did you do it?" and that I muttered "I don't want to die.... I just don't want to live".

What made me say that, I don't know. I don't remember much from back then. People smarter than me could probably explain why. But since that time (a year and a half ago), I have come to realize that, for me, it is a true statement. I have even discussed this with my therapist.

I also agree that passive suicide is letting whatever may be causing you to die, not of your own doing, take its natural course. But I'm sure someone can philosophically argue that the action of letting yourself die is, in and of itself, being active in your own death. Action by non-action.

[nija43]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I tried twice to end my life and failed. The only thing I regret is that failure took away the option of trying again

My two attempts were 22 years apart. The first time, I stopped myself after I had started..... realized that I couldn't do it after all and managed to get myself to a doctor. The second time, I didn't stop but I was found "in time" by about two minutes (according to the doctor later).

But that second failure did NOT take away the option of trying again. Quite the opposite, in fact. I now know that I have an option. My therapist and I have discussed this at length.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by nija43

My two attempts were 22 years apart. The first time, I stopped myself after I had started..... realized that I couldn't do it after all and managed to get myself to a doctor. The second time, I didn't stop but I was found "in time" by about two minutes (according to the doctor later).

But that second failure did NOT take away the option of trying again. Quite the opposite, in fact. I now know that I have an option. My therapist and I have discussed this at length.

Interesting, that we both reacted to survival differently. Perhaps that is due to our inherent individuality. \One of the things that affected me greatly was that I spent my recovery on a medical ward where I was between two patients dying of cancer, both were suffering inordinate pain and were very close to the end, but they refused to give up living; for the husband of one of these patients this was the third wife he would lose to cancer. I would gladly have given my life for either of these women to live just a few more days or weeks. I was acutely aware that my desire to die would seem selfish to these women and their families, but neither judged me. I took just a few well chosen words from a doctor to "burn" this experience into my consciousness as the grief that my family would suffer if I killed myself.

Yes But the question that keeps coming to my mind is... how long am I going to be able to keep going like this? Fortunately I'm getting to the point where I probably don't have that many years left anyway. But whatever number of years there are... can I really keep this up for that additional number of days, weeks, years? Of course, it's true that I've already survived many more years than I have left. But it seems like, as I get older, the pain & confusion are getting worse & my ability to cope is fading...

[Espresso]

That's interesting. I had never heard of passive suicide before. I've experienced those kinds of feelings before. Right now though, I'm sort of the opposite. If I die, I want to be the one to do it.

Hi Espresso. Sometimes I think of killing myself. But I'm always thinking about what if it goes wrong somehow? Also, it won't be nice if its really long and painful. That's why I reckon it's OK if something else does it, like an accident with a bus or something.