Had a little breakdown last night.

Hi all

im just posting for some support really. i have had a rough 2007 so far, emotioanlly, and last night it got the better of me, i lost my temper and punched a few things (inanimate objects may i stress) and cut my hand in the process, i also slammed my desk's keyboard into my desk, getting it wedged, then when i tried to pull it back out it wouldnt come, so i tugged a little harder, making it fly out and i fell back into the corner of my wardrobe really bruising my shoulder. i dont know what came over me, i was crying and was so angry. for the first time in a while i asked to die last night. i havent felt that way for a while, yeah, ive been down, but ive always retained a little bit of hope, but last ngiht i couldnt, and didnt want to.

it started when the new music making program i bought wouldnt work (the second one now) and i spent ages trying to fix it, to find out my computer isnt compatible with music making programs - meaning i had no reason to lose all my previous work (you may remember me saying about that last year). i havent eaten a proper meal in a few days now, and i feel quite run down. tired. emotional. sick, but not throguh hunger. and just generally down.

last night i hit a stage i havent been at for a few months, and i didnt like it. a couple of nights recently i have been dreaming of me being in sexual situations that i have no control over - that i am forced into. dreams that obviously arent nice. overall my happiness has dropped since christmas, even though i had such a good holiday.

then a few days i decided to jump back into my music as i find it very productive and eases my stresses...it allows me to invest so much emotion into it, thus works as a therapy for me, but i coudlnt get it to work last night, and i just snapped.

it was os out-of-character for me to get that angry, i punched my desk, which split my knuckle, and i threw a few things around in my room. this really is NOT me normally, its just a build up of anger for a few weeks, and since i havent had therapy since 2 weeks before christmas (my first session of this year is next tuesday - so not long now) i havent been able to release it, what with my music making project not going to plan.

today i feel drained. energy levels are low, so i know i should eat, but i cant face it. im not forcing myself to eat either, am i allowing these emotions to flow and i am eating enough to keep me going, so i am not really worrying about not eating enough as i know it isnt permanent. i just want a light on the horizon to focus on, which seems to be non-existent right now.

thats why i havent been here posting much. i havent been posting properly for a while now, i just cant find the inner strength i once had.

im talking now to get it out of my system, to releave me of these feelings i have had. and to not feel so alone too!

thanks for listening.

simon

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{simon/lil' bro}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Release all you want, I'm here for you hon~

My dear dear (((((((((((((((((Simon))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. You DO know that when we have conversations you're supposed to say how you are too, right? I do care a great deal about you.

About your hand, did you get it taken care of? I hope so.

Pent up emotions can come out in the most out of control ways it seems. It happens to me too. As for computer stuff, that can REALLY be frustrating - especially when you just want something to work. I know that music is an important outlet for you, and I'm sorry that you were unable to use it when you needed it.

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to give you your own words of wisdom back. Stuff that really has helped me and I think you need it.

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you are not alone in this ok, so just let others help you and keep working hard on yourself and you will achieve all you want to achieve in good time.

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you know happiness exists because you have experienced it before, so just work towards that.

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I know there's been much much more good stuff you've said, but that's the beginning of it.

You're in a rough spot right now - fine. You WILL get through this, I will get through my stuff and we will both be much better for it.

Take it one day at a time, breathe and just know you're loved and greatly appreciated here - if not by every single person you meet because you are that kind of person.

You are wonderful, and kind and thoughtful. You've helped many and always been there to talk to and a great support to many.

Please do eat - just because you're eating enough to "keep going" doesn't mean that's enough.

You are worth it and I hope you're feeling much better soon.

PM me you!

simon, this is a small tidbit of advice for you. go get one tablespoon of peanut butter and mix it with honey and eat it. you are depriving yourself of protein and it really affects our moods when we do that...........please promise me you will do that twice today..........xoxoxoxo pat

((((((((((((( Simon ))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy.

Computer problems drive me mad too sometimes. Especially because an efficient computer is vital when it comes to my studies so you are definitely not alone in this regard. And I have a habit of bottling my anger up until it finally bursts out so umm... lets say I have to change mouses and keyboards more often than an average computer user

A little advice for future - when you buy a program, check out a free trial first (software companies often offer them to customers, you have to check on their website). If there is no trial available try to find the program via emule of torrent (you can find nearly everything this way). Install it and make sure it works. When you buy a legal version you can just remove it.This way you are sure it will work with your computer.

Take care

Thank you, Canders, biplol and fayerody. thank you for your support.

pat, i promise to eat more, its just lately, up until last ngiht anyway, i couldnt face food, and the thought of it would make me feel quezy. but after i wrote this post, albeit not long ago at all, i have decided to eat a proper meal. so i have just cooked myself pasta bolegnese with minced meat. i have just sat down to eat and i actually feel hungry now too, so i will eat this and then eat again when i feel hungry next.

i dont have either peanut butter nor honey in the house, but i will eat more. it was actually a new years resolution to eat more, so i have to get back into it.

canders, thank you for those quotes.i find it easier to help others than i do myself sometimes. i spend so long advising others and supporting others, that when it comes to me i often dont hear my own advice, and so once in a while its nice to hear those same words said to me, we all need someone else to re-affirm what we have said sometimes. so thank you agian, you are a good friend.

biplol, big sis, thank you. you are a good person, and i am so honoured to have you as a new big sister hehe.

simon

Thank you for your words, sparkling.

i will do that in future, i just didnt think of it before.

thanks for the support sparkling. it means alot to me.

simon

Ah Simon - you are one of the most levelheaded guys around. It's ok to let the emotions take over now and then. You probably needed the breakdown -- there IS a benefit, even if it hasn't become clear yet. I'm thinking of you ~~~

LMo

Simon,

I'm sorry to hear how you're new year is going. My new year has been going almost exactly the same, with out the computer trouble though. I couldn't believe how similar our times had been reading through your post. Something must be catching. Good luck with T next Tuesday, I hope everything works itself out for you. If you wanna talk anytime, I'm here.

((((hugs))))

Lil

((((((((((((((Simon)))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down right now. I know how scared you must be not being able to control your emotions, especially when the anger take over ... and while it may not seems like a good thing, at least you aren't keeping it all inside to build up even more. But you can do this, keep going, eat, sleep, do things for YOU ... and know you will be okay again, you just need some time to heal.
PM me anything okay? You know i'm here for you ...
Take care

Jacq

LMO, level headed? thats a new one hehe. i did need the breakdown, and i do feel better for it now. i feel like a ton has been lifted off my shoulders. now i am looking forward to seeing my councillor next week, that will help i know. i do have an element of relief after last nights breakdown. so yeah, there was a benefit of it, there is of most things if we look hard enough.

Stargazerlily, im glad im not alone, but at the same time i wish we werent going thorugh rough times. maybe it is contagious hehe. thank you for your offer, i might just take you up on that soon.

and jacq10, i do get scared by my anger, and ive been quite shocked by those dreams i mentioned. it bought alot back to me, and has knocked me back a fair few steps. i will keep going...i dont really know how to stop, and im going to try really hard to get eating properly again, and i will focus on sleeping properly again. thank you too for your offer, i may well do that soon, thank you.

i do bring good news...i managed to get the program to work. i spent about 5 hours today searching the internet for a solution to my problem, as well as a couple of hours last night, and i found it! i did what a site told me to do and now its fine. so YAY!! i was/am so releaved when i realised it worked, i jumped for joy! although i still feel down tonight, feel quite tired and down, so tonight i am going to treat myself to some luxury treatment. have just been to the shop and bought food i know i like eating, healthy food too, and i also bought a few snakcs, like chocolate etc, so soon i will be going to bed to watch a filma nd treat myself to some nice foods. i might have a nice long relaxing bath too, that usually helps.

i will be ok soon, im sure. ive been here before, life is like a rollercoaster for me, is for most people you suffer depression, one day im up, then i will be down for a little while. the time of year doesnt help either, i hate the winter, and the cold days, and the long nights, im a tropical species...thrive on heat and sun. and i live in the UK...clever ay!? hehe

i am so thrilled that program works, and for the short time i used it earlier i can see huge potential in it, so watch this space, no doubt a few tunes will be emerging from my room soon.

i have made something for myself to look forward to. my brother moves out next weekend, and i am going into his room he is now when he goes. i am re-decorating it, and making it my own. it is bigger than my current room, so i will do that up to exactly how i like it. i am doing it natural colours, with 2 red walls. it might sound odd but it will look nice. so i am looking forward to that which is good.

so, for now, im off to give myself abit of TLC.

thank you all for your help, i needed it badly.

simon

Hey Simom.
(((((((((((((((Simom)))))))))))))
I'm sorry You having a hard time rite now. i"m sorry you got
you hand hurt

Hi Simom)
My post got entered before i was done (sorry)
are you feeling any better? I hope so you are a very nice person and always have said positive stuff to me when i been down,i hope Yoy feel beter real soon,
PM me if you want
crista ortiz

Thank you tita.

i havent been on PC today, i took the day off to hide in bed. i woke up feeling not so great, and i just wanted some space, not from PC, but from everything. sometimes i need to just lie in bed and re-charge my energy. i felt so tired last night, it has been a demanding weekend for me, emotionally. i feel better now, for sure.

so now my batteries have been re-charged, and im not emotionally drained anymore, i can jump into reality. i need to try to move on from the depressing comments i made about my self and my life in that post. i need to forget that anger i had, and just move on entirely. that was the ugly side of depression unfortunately.

thank you for your support, no doubt i will need it again, but until then, i will try my best to give back to you the positivity you gave me this weekend. i dont know what i would have done without it.

take care

simon

Oh Simon,

Depression is such an Ugly Monster! I have suffered with it for many years. One moment you are up and everything seems fine and the next moment you don't want to live anymore.
People who don't suffer from depression can't imagine that a person can actually feel this way, but we do and there is nothing we can do to change it. I have heard alot of times that they will say "Just get over it" Oh wouldn't it be nice if it were that simple? How does one just get over it? I have never figured it out yet and I am going on 29 years of fighting depression.
This may sound weird, but I am glad that you had that little breakdown. It helped to get all the frustration out and that is alot safer, what you did than what you could have done.
I am so happy for you that you figured a way to get the music program working. It can be very frustrating when we work so hard at something and still things don't work.
As of yesterday, I had DSL for three days and it quit working twice in those three days. I was on the help hotline for almost five hours trying to find someone to help me. Talk about frustration!!
Anyways, be good to yourself. You deserve it. You really do.
I worry that you aren't taking good care of yourself, though. You really need to eat more. After not eating for awhile, we get to the point that our minds tell us we aren't hungry and that's not good. You can get to the point where the smell of food will make you sick if you don't start eating and taking care of yourself. I truly worry about you.
Wow, that sounds great when your brother moves out and you get his room! I know that you will make it a really cool room. That will be awesome. Red is my favorite color, so I think painting two walls red will be so cool. It would be great if you could take a couple of pictures when you are done with the room and share them with us.
I would love to see it after you are done making it YOUR own!!
Well, I seem to be writing a book here, so will get off and let your eyes rest.
Hugs,
Linda

hehe Boopers, i could read your posts all day, they are fascinating. thank you for your kind words.

you are spot on witht he depression thing, and another reason i get so frustrated is becaue no one around me understands, and i feel so alienated sometimes. but im past that now, today is a good day. i have sat here writing replies and pm's for about an hour and still feel good, normally i cant do that. so its a good sign.

i am eating agian now, i am easing myslef back into it, so theres no need to worry so much. i used to have an eating disorder, and i lost so mcuh wieght and went through a stage of being very ill. that was about 3 years ago now, but its been on-going ever since. it comes in phases, sometimes i eat like theres no tomorrow, finishing off any bit of food i can see. and other days i cant eat a thing. obviously its all dependant on my mood at that time. the disorder i had was never because i felt i was too fat and that i wanted to lose wieght, that has never come into it. i know i am under wieght, and i look like a rake because i am so thin. but i physically cannot stomach food some days, thats the disorder i had, except those days were nearly everyday.

its strange how some people just never know the depth we go sometimes. i had such a rough time back then, yet nobody wanted to help. all i had was an hour session weekly with a councillor. and to this date i cant remember the last time someone asked how i was. it just doesnt happen. hence why im eternally grateful for the existence of PC. i say it all the time, yet i never fell like my gratefulness is put across.

i will be sure to take pictures. its in a state at the moment, the room. there is a damp patch above the window, so i have that to work on! i will take a before and after picture, so you can see how different it looks. the red is a very warm red, very cosy, and the earth colours are truly fantastic. i cant wait to do it now...want him to move out sooner hehe

simon

LMO said it all. You are so level headed and kind and thoughtful to everyone here. Your music you posted last summer is amazing and I truly beleive that you are going to "make it." Big time Have faith. Sometimes I think some of us have had to keep so much locked up we don't know how to release it till it explodes out of us. I know after I have my moments I feel better and refreshed ready to go on till the next round. If I can cry and release some of it before I get to that point it helps me. Otherwise I just get number and number. But my pattern is to withdraw, not eat properly, not talk and even though I think I won't let it happen again it does. But each time I learn a little. It is easier to see others clearly and not ourselves. We keep tally of our faults not our good points. I am trying to change that. A friend gave me homework. To find one good thing about myself every day and do one thing I love every day. Its hard. I feel frozen to even try. Maybe that idea can help you too. Good Luck

thank you for the advice froggie2. i think that is a great idea - about the "find one good thing about myself every day and do one thing I love every day". i will try that starting from tomorrow. i will keep you updated on how it goes. froggie2, we could even try it together, help eachother find qualities, or even just remind eachother to do it.

simon