[ToeJam]

-snip-

Sorry

[ToeJam]

Wow... Hilarious... I call a help line that I've been told to call... I get through to someone and they ask if I'm calling from a different city.. I say no.. I say where and she asks me to hang up as that city isn't supported after 1am.

That pretty much sums up everything right now

I have no one

You know we are all here for ya. And there is more than one number you can call, believe it or not. The UK sucks but I think there is some good in it somewhere...

[ToeJam]

It's the only number I knew to call secret... Samaritans are useless to me (I know that's harsh.. Just pointless for me to call them). Tried Focussline.. Number I've been told to call... And I get told that.

Hung up and just laughed... So sick, tired and angry. Wife is on another room and I don't want to wake her... I don't want to be a needy piece of ****.. Just climbing the wall here and I have 2 choices... Just man up and get on with it or try desperately to sleep.

****!

Which number was it? Ever heard of maytree?

[waterknob1234]

That's bad to call a helpline and they won't help you. Hang in there. We love you. Sometimes I feel like a useless idiot. No, we are worthwhile people. Hang in there. God bless.

[ToeJam]

Trying to calm myself down... I'm sorry for the offload.

You matter - Suicide - Suicidal Sanctuary - MayTree

Yes they offer a place to stay, but they are also a pretty good helpline, and talk via email or phone, whichever you prefer

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Wow... Hilarious... I call a help line that I've been told to call... I get through to someone and they ask if I'm calling from a different city.. I say no.. I say where and she asks me to hang up as that city isn't supported after 1am.

That's definitely "hilarious".

It's not 1 am here...

[perseverance11]

Hello,

It is hilliarious, you are right.

I didn't see your first message, so I don't understand what is your situation.

There are surely others crisis line in UK.

[ToeJam]

Essentially it was hit and miss last night... I eventually fell asleep exhausted. Not sure if I even care anymore.

[Fuzzybear]

Have you spoken to your wife about last night?

You might not care, but I'm glad you got through it

[Rohag]

How is the "day after" developing, ToeJam?

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Have you spoken to your wife about last night?

You might not care, but I'm glad you got through it

Mentioned it... but she just looked a bit blank, might be me being blank... didn't press me on it.

Thank you for the pm messages last night... they did help bring me down a bit at the time.

Originally Posted by Rohag

How is the "day after" developing, ToeJam?

Don't really know what to say... wondering if to try and call focusline again... wondering if any point. Just numb... don't know what else to say.

[perseverance11]

Are you feeling better or if you are not good today too?

[ToeJam]

Just angry, frustrated and alone. Feel trapped... Last few days have just nailed it on the head for me... Explained a lot better in my opening post but it was essentially a suicide incoming indicator and I deleted it. Against the rules here(and for good reason) and it's my crap, nothing anyone can do about it.

Better? Talking to you guys I guess... That's good I suppose.

[perseverance11]

Ok, if you think you are loosing control of yourself, you can go to the hospital.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ToeJam, really good that you tried to reach out for help. That probably wasn't at all easy for you, so good on you!!
And yes, the reply you got, pretty **** really, but please don't let that put you off trying somewhere else another time (assuming you're not "normal" and have those feelings "out of hours"- sarcasm!!).
There will be people who do really understand/care out there (as well as on here!! ) and there's nothing at all wrong with needing help at times like that/at any time.
And you know maybe your wife would want to know if you were feeling like that too, do you think?? If the roles were reversed you'd probably want to support her if she felt the way you did/do, right??
And you will forgive me if I take issue with the "man up" bit, won't you?? please!!!
As I see it, that's kind of the same as going up to someone who's broken both their legs....in traction...........and telling them to just get rid of the traction......get the plaster casts off.......stop feeling sorry for themselves.........stop being pathetic............and just get on with it!!
I know you're not just choosing to feel like you do, so maybe "give yourself a bit of a break", hey?? What you're feeling is real, it matters!! But, really glad you did try to reach out to someone, and right here as well if you want talk............
Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

Have you any contingency plans for tonight if you end up feeling that bad again? Nights are always the worst for me too. You can go to A&E and they will arrange for the crisis team to assess you. You could try NHS 111, they should be able to put you in touch with a crisis line that is open. I suppose you could just lie about where you are, give a false postcode or something.

I know that having been knocked back once the very last thing I would want to do is set myself up again. However, knowing that you can reach out can be an empowering experience too, I hope it is for you. My twisted sense of humour would have me ringing up at 00:59 and then force them to talk for 6 hours. Well I would do if I wasn't so apathetic.

Take care, stay safe and hugs

[ToeJam]

Thank you for the messages... so sorry. All the emotion has been burnt out of me... just exhausted right now.

Spoke to someone on the phone... ended up crying and all that **** I don't like doing... but it got it all out. They listened and told me to call if the urges came on, that I should call and that they were sorry about the response I got last night.

Right now, just tired... not at risk I don't think and able to think again.

bleh... not my finest hour as they say.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ToeJam, opening up about how you felt......crying...........and "all that ****"............I'd say that was one of your finest hours!!!
It can take real strength and courage to express, own and face how you're feeling. So real kudos to you, honestly!!!
And yes, absolutely don't feel ashamed, embarrassed (or any of those other feelings you have but shouldn't be feeling!! ) to phone again if the urges come on.
And now you deserve a bit of a rest, you've got to be feeling completely drained/emotionally wrung out.
But THANKYOU for the up-date.
Alison

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Have you any contingency plans for tonight if you end up feeling that bad again? Nights are always the worst for me too. You can go to A&E and they will arrange for the crisis team to assess you. You could try NHS 111, they should be able to put you in touch with a crisis line that is open. I suppose you could just lie about where you are, give a false postcode or something.

I really am my own worst enemy... when in that state part of me is thinking how stupid I am and how underserving of help I am, that others are in more need than me and how dare I waste anyones time... that I give myself two choices... man up and just do it... or fight it on my own and try to exhaust myself to sleep.

Problem I have with the whole A&E thing is down to appearances and again part of why I beat myself up... that was I to go to A&E saying about suicidal thoughts etc... all I'd be thinking is 'well clearly you're talking ****... if you were serious, you wouldn't be at A&E begging for help... you'd be committing to your intentions'.

I hope that makes some kind of sense... I just always feel that it's purely down to me to deal with these things when it happens.

I know that having been knocked back once the very last thing I would want to do is set myself up again. However, knowing that you can reach out can be an empowering experience too, I hope it is for you. My twisted sense of humour would have me ringing up at 00:59 and then force them to talk for 6 hours. Well I would do if I wasn't so apathetic.

Heh, there was a bit of cruel irony in it happening. I've called before, and they are hard to get hold of... been a few times where it's just been an engaged number. Had a feeling of thank god when a human was on the other end of the phone... and then that happened.

I know I said 'hilarious' at the time... and all I could do was laugh bitterly once I hung up.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ToeJam,
"I really am my own worst enemy... when in that state part of me is thinking how stupid I am and how underserving of help I am, that others are in more need than me and how dare I waste anyones time... that I give myself two choices... man up and just do it... or fight it on my own and try to exhaust myself to sleep".
From another angle :

And don't try to do it on your own either!! No-one should have to do that, and when/if nothing else we're/I'm here for you...........
Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

or fight it on my own and try to exhaust myself to sleep.

I know that feeling well. it is what I do, my coping strategy if you like. Somehow over the years the only skill I've learnt is how to keep myself safe without bothering anyone else. I've got not bothering anyone else down to a fine art, but it is so counterproductive because whilst I may be safe, I'm not getting any better and all anyone else sees is that I'm safe.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

I hope that makes some kind of sense... I just always feel that it's purely down to me to deal with these things when it happens.

Yes it makes perfect sense to me, but we're both wrong. I don't know about you, but I don't get how I can have the insight to see there is a different way but still be too stubborn to change.