OCD Rant (long)

I am having some bad OCD and other problems lately. I feel like everything aggravates everything. And I can't tell anyone, because they'll assume it's because I've been lowering my medication (under my psych's care), but I've had days like this even on the highest doses I've been on.

For one thing, the weather's getting warmer, and being overheated or too cold worsens my OCD and makes me irritable. Once I'm a normal temperature, I feel so much more relaxed. People can't see the OCD thoughts and the frustrations associated with it (like how the thoughts swim about in my head, including my frustration with telling my psych, knowing she'll automatically assume it's because of lowering the meds, and the more I deny it, the more she'll assume it is), so they don't understand. I told my boyfriend earlier (when he was awake) that I was hot and he didn't do anything. He says in our new house, it'll be warmer than we're used to in the summer, and cooler in the winter, to save air conditioning and heating bills. I understand that, but he can't understand what it's like when I can't stop the thoughts and stop feeling irritable. Just like he (and other people) don't understand or believe me when I say that, on my period, my cramps are worsened or even caused by being too cold and relieved by being warm. And moving around (such as washing my hands, using the bathroom, going to the kitchen, etc.) makes me hotter and more irritated. People think I don't understand about money, but I do! But when you can't relax and want to cry and want the thoughts to stop, they can't begin to understand what that's like!!!!!!

I'm low on paper towels, and my bf gets on me about how many I use, and the same with toilet paper (which makes me really uncomfortable). I get more nervous when I'm low, because if I run out, I can't touch much. I'm sparing a lot of detail (if you think this post is long now, you wouldn't want to see how long it would be if I posted about my OCD in more detail!), because I want to get some stuff done tonight. But I stopped here to get this out of my system. No one can understand how it feels when I have to wait to get back to "normal" (for me) life. I can't touch my computer and other things, can't kill time with things to entertain me like the TV (except if it's on, and I can't change the channel, so whatever's on is on), etc., but I can't really be entertained, anyway, because I'm feeling dirty and just want to get washed up and feel normal again, you know?

My bf doesn't understand what is really involved with my OCD, and I don't tell him everything, because he makes me feel like a burden as it is. When he starts acting overwhelmed and depressed (I think he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder; he worries too much, and has a lot of "Buyer's Remorse" for big purchases, like this house...but he keeps trying to make me happy about it, and I have told him, it's not going to happen), I feel like I can't tell him when I need to talk, and I can't be held or loved, because I feel like he'll be thinking, Get me out of this! How do I get away from her? Actually, that's the way I've felt about anyone I've wanted affection from, and I'm pretty darn sure it comes from my mother, who would always push me away. She'd be like, "I'm just going to the bathroom," or, "Just let me fold these clothes," but she wouldn't come back. She'd keep making excuses to get away.

I feel so much like crying, but I try not to cry. Not because I think I have to be "brave"--well, I do, in the sense that I can't let my bf see me lose it, because I can't deal with him seeing me as a burden--but because crying aggravates my dry eye syndrome. Then my eyes will feel irritated, with gunk in them, and uncomfortable, plus I might not be able to get it all out for a while (that's common). Additionally, I can't touch my own tears, because they're "dirty" to me, and I use a lot of paper towels, not just from drying my hands, but also to blot my eyes, because they tear up a lot (not usually from crying, but that's part of dry eyes, watering up), and my tears burn and itch, and if I touch the paper towels (or tissues, or anything else I use) where the moisture from my eyes is, I have to wash my hands, which is why I try to throw them away quickly, even if only a couple spots of the paper towel has been used. I can't keep them with me, because there's more risk of coming into contact with that moisture, and I worry that the moisture will soak through to my hand.

When I've talked to the eye doctors (several) about it, they just dismiss it and toss sample OTC eye drops at me. I have one I use, which has worked best, but it doesn't do nearly enough, and I can only use it at night, because I can't afford to buy them to use all the time. The last doctor dismissed my complaints of how bad it is, by telling me there are people who are worse, and can't even open their eyes sometimes. I'm not arguing there are people worse off than me, but that doesn't mean this isn't screwing up my life! It's 24-7. I put eye drops in my eyes before bed, to relieve them so I can get to sleep easier. When I wake up, I have to wipe out the gunk, but that can irritate my eyes from the rubbing, and the gunk can come right back. All day, I'm dealing with this, and the stuff in my eyes can make the corners of my eyes all crusty and uncomfortable.

I also have excessive yawning, which causes me to tear up excessively (I never see other people rub so much wetness from their eyes after yawning), and I sleep as many as 12 hours a day, even 14 sometimes when I'm on my period. Everything aggravates everything.

My bf doesn't understand how important it is that I have certain things at our house as soon as we move in. He wants to take our current furniture over there, and then replace it with new furniture soon after (because he can't throw it out here at the apartment complex), but then this furniture will "contaminate" the area of the new house that the new furniture will go to. I don't want to explain this to him, because he'll get upset. And I need so many other things.

I'm sorry I'm a burden to everybody, and I just want a place by myself and to not bother anyone. I want to live on my own, but I can't afford it. And my OCD makes it freaking hard!!!!!! People suggest things, but when I say I can't because of my OCD, they get frustrated with me, say, "I gave you solutions, but you don't want to do anything!" I can't help it if my OCD is this bad right now. It's a lot better than it used to be. I need my own place so I can deal with it on my own, without the worries of sharing a home comes with. I'm not able to relax and think and concentrate, which goes a long way in me overcoming OCD issues. I need to be able to "step back," and I can't do that when OCD problems are hitting me left and right.

I wish I had someone in my life who supported me, understood me, and didn't make me feel like a burden. Plus, someone who trusted me enough to make my own decisions and to try to solve my problems my way, instead of criticizing me all the time. My bf says he's really worried about me going off meds, and he feels Paxil has been the best for me, but it has too many side effects (even the resident I spoke with on my last visit agreed it's a bad drug), and I don't want to deal with side effects, long-term effects, weight gain, low libido and other things these drugs do. Our society is so drug-happy, people automatically think it's the thing to do if something's wrong with you. And I'm not saying all drugs are bad. But people shouldn't be put down if they want to try other options.

Ok first thing you have to look at. Are you and your boyfriend serious enough to have a house together? You say a couple of times that you need your own place but it is hard due to your ocd....well what about your parents? A friend/relative? What about a boarding house? I dont have OCD...and thank God i dont...i do understand though about watery eyes and excessive yawning..in fact right now im yawning and my eyes are tearing....i go around all the time looking like im crying or sick...because of so many tears...i dont know how you handle not touching your tears...its sooo hard....i think you should...even if you have to drag him...to a meeting with your T or whoever knows you and talks to you. I also think if he hears a professional tell him what is up it might seem more "real" to him. You know...tell him now...before you go...so what if he gets angry or upset....I SI (self injure) and my boyfriend doesnt understand all the time as well.....we got into a discussion earlier...he said i should just turn it off like a light switch...and thats like me telling you to turn your OCD off like a lightswitch..impossible...remember though you arent a burden ...are you sure you and your psych are positive that you should go off your medication? Is that really the wisest idea? The flareup might be due to anxiety over issues changing in your life...like the house...the health concerns....im not saying its due to your med decrease...im saying it could be due to all the possible changes in your life at the moment. I am not a professional at all but it seems your OCD is in need of medical attention...sweety you need to either find a new psych if this one isnt helping you or maybe express concerns over your status...they cant read your mind ....you have to speak up..i know your worried about what they say...but you have to tell someone not automatically expect what people will say...i know your scared but you are running around in circles and you need to slow down and talk to your psych...breathe relax and give your psych the burden...talk to your bf ....and come to realizations of the changes in your life..the expectations and the responsiblites..good luck sweety We all know you can do it your strong and if you can deal with your OCD then you can do this. Sorry i talked forever..im overly tired.
love, Inny

I know what you mean by OCD getting in the way. Are you on meds for the OCD or something else? My OCD got out of control this year again and I finally went back on meds (after being pushed by my T and doc to do so). It has helped so much and its finally like I'm getting some of my life back. I know what you mean by people not understanding and not wanting to burden them. It is really hard to understand what having a life is like when it is completely run by fear. Everything you do has to be thought of well in advance. It takes so much time and energy just to be awake.

I'd really encourage you to look into trying different meds and maybe different therapy too. You're not alone, and things can get better with time. I know that is hard to believe but it is possible. Try not to lose sight of that hope.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

"I gave you solutions, but you don't want to do anything!" I can't help it if my OCD is this bad right now.

That part in your post really stuck out to me. Obviously those that you live with get frustrated with things that you do to control your OCD, but I think they fail to realize how frustrating it is for you to feel this way and then try to control it.

I agree with you about the drug things. Everyone is quick to think medication is the best and sometimes it is, but for some, there are problems.

As far as your obsessive paper towel usage, do you use hand sanitizer? or what are your thoughts on that? It might be easier to suggest ideas if I could get inside your life, which I obviously cant fully do, but i can try

Also, is there a way that you can wait to move into the new house until you get new furniture for it? Possibly sell your old ones? I understand your concern about the house would feel dirty with it in there, so I think it would be best for you to express to your bf that you dont want the old furniture in the house. Maybe you don't have to mention it is OCD related.

Sorry, I can't be much help, but I'll try..

I am so sorry that you are having these issues.

Maybe, one approach to helping solve your dilema with touching things that are "dirty" to you is to find something that you find "mildly" contaminated. Something that you feel uncomfortable touching, but it really doesnt get you worked up. Touch it, then resist the urge to wash afterwards. Work on this for awhile, and as the fear of those things fade, try moving up to some items of a higher contamination content. Then work on those. This would be the Exposure and Response Prevention method (im sure you have heard of it).

Your brain just needs time to be retrained, and you CAN do it, it just takes a little time and effort, but mostly, it takes commitment. You have to tell yourself "I AM going to beat this!". Eventually you will, and I believe you can.

As far as touching your tears, just remember, those tears come from inside you, and they are clean. Tears are simply a natural moisturizer that help lubricate your eyes. They are made from your body, and so they are a part of you, just as much as your hand, your hair, your skin. So touching your tears would be just like clasping your hands together, because it's all you.

Whenever you start to feel anxiety coming on, refocus your thoughts to what is really happening. Don't concentrate on what it is making you feel the anxiety, but rather, concentrate on the fact that the anxiety itself is just a problem in your brain manifesting itself physically, and is an irrational response.

You are NOT a burden. It is very hard for people who do not suffer with OCD to understand someone who does. My best advice would be to find him literature about the disease and have him read it. Provide documented cases that prove that OCD isnt just "something stupid in your head", but it is in fact a documented and vicious problem that can lead to alot of issues in the lives of people who have it.

Get him educated so he knows what you are going through, then he can better understand how to help you, and understand when things are bothering you.

One more important thing is to find something that you can do to relax. Something you can put yourself into and something to preoccupy your mind. It may be an activity you like doing, or could be as simple as going to a tranquil place in your mind to leave your problems behind. The one big drawback to having anxiety is that if you give into it, the anxiety will just feed on itself and spiral out of control. If you resist the urge to obsess over it, the anxiety will fade over time. Finding something that relaxes you will help you resist the urge to give in. Relaxing yourself will help you feel less stressed and will improve the way your mind works, and help you work through the problem.

Anyway, I really hope you get it under control. OCD is the animal, but YOU are the master!

I'm going to respond in four different messages, because responding to you all in one would be enormous! These will be long individually as it is (and sorry for that). I do thank everyone for their responses, thus far.

InACorner:

Yes, we're serious enough to have a house together. We've been together for almost 14 years. We got kicked out of our apartment several months ago (I think you can find out more in a search, but in short, my OCD has to do with it, although we do dispute the management's claims that our apt. is "filthy" because it's not and others who have seen it agree), so we have to move out. My bf feels it's time to get a house (but I'll still have to pay as much rent to him as I pay here).

My mom lives in an apartment complex for the elderly, and my dad is dead. I can't live with anyone else, because of my OCD issues. I can't live just anywhere. Other people's homes are "dirty" to me, and no matter how it was cleaned, it would never be "ok" to me. I'm nervous about this house as it is. I can't live in an old, dirty, rusty, etc., house or apartment. My OCD really can't deal with it. I can't deal with public transportation, schools or churches, either. (And I gave up public transportation even when I could use it, because of the problems I had with it, such as being sexually harassed a lot.)

My boyfriend works during my T appointments. He has to drop me off during his lunch hour, and I have to stay there until he's done work, when he picks me up. It's not that he doesn't try to understand, but I doubt he'd read anything. Nobody I've ever asked has read anything, or much, that I know of. My bf always seems like I'm a pain to him if I ask him to read anything (not just about OCD), or for me to read to him, but I'm supposed to be interested in whatever he wants to read to me.

My T (which is only a med-shrink right now) doesn't understand my OCD, and when I had a talk-shrink, none of them did, either. They always look at me as if I'm weird when I tell them some of my "things." Believe me, my OCD is very real to my bf.

But yes, I am a burden. I told him I felt like that, and he admitted I sometimes am.

I took over two years to decide to go off my meds. I'm extremely happy with the decision. My monthly "breakdowns" have completely stopped, my heart skipping has almost stopped altogether, I feel my "passion" returning, and I don't feel so numb anymore.

I've seen all the psychs available to me in the area, that I can afford (meaning, they take Medicare and have low co-pays) and have hours I can work with. I've been seeing psychiatrists, psychologists and even a hypnotist for 29 years.

I speak up about my OCD and such. Or, I used to. They just nod. The med-shrink writes prescriptions. They've told me about the therapies I've read about time and time again, and tried many times. They don't do anything with me, like the shrinks you see on talk shows, although I don't think that would work any better.

I have tried to talk to my boyfriend. He just gets real quiet, and looks very tense. Often, the next day or so, he'll tell me he's going to go visit his sister, where I think he lets loose his tensions.

ickydog2006:

Yes, I'm on Anafranil and Paxil. I've been on meds of one kind or another, or combinations, for 29 years. I'm going off them (under the care of my T). I spent over two years making this decision, and it's one I'm happy with.

As I said to InACorner, I've seen all the therapists I can in this area, that I can afford. I'm tired of therapists, and I'm not asking for more. I just need to find a way to make the kind of money I need to get my own place and take care of myself.

untold27:

I don't use hand sanitizer because--and I hope this won't cause problems for your own OCD--my issues aren't just about germs, but the idea of having dead germs on my hands is just disgusting to me. Hand sanitizer kills germs, but doesn't get them off of you.

No, we can't wait to move to the new house. We were kicked out of our apartment and now have until the end of our lease (end of May) to get out. We won't be selling the old furniture, but throwing it away, because it's in such bad shape. I'd have to mention the OCD issues, because he wouldn't understand the big deal, otherwise. I get frustrated because, I tell him these things, but he doesn't realize how "not ok" I am with it.

Thank you, though. I just really appreciate the support, and seeing my side of it.

Gaston:

I've used the Exposure and Response method. It only works in limited amounts for me. I once spent five days of H-E-double-hockey-sticks (because they won't let you type the word here), not washing my hands at all, and I got worse, not better. I can go for hours without washing when I need to, but I can't touch certain things. The anxiety may calm down, but the dirty feeling doesn't go away. And if I touch something "clean" when I'm dirty, it becomes dirty, too. I don't like how I feel when I feel dirty, and that doesn't stop, either. I've used the E&R method for minor things, but it doesn't always work, even for those. I've been using therapy and medication for 29 years.

My tears lack vitamins, and when they spill, they bring forth dirt from my eyes, and sometimes the goop that the dry eye causes. Plus, once on the skin, they can catch any sweat or dirt. Stuff gets in the eyes. Sometimes, when I wipe the gunk out of my eyes, I'll see bits of dirt or whatever, and clothing fibers.

By definition, I am a burden, and my boyfriend's told me so. My parents acted the same way around me, often frustrated by me. My dad never got it, although he loved me. I won't go into the hurtful things he said to me, because I loved him, too, but all those things affected me.

I don't think anyone's read anything I've given them or pointed them to about OCD. At least, they didn't seem to know anything mentioned in the info.

I don't think of OCD as an animal. I like animals!

Hi Maven. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't have OCD, but I understand what it's like to feel like a burden. When I had agoraphobia, friends and family had to do a lot of things for me -- like go to the grocery store, do my laundry, help me pay my bills, etc. I felt like a burden all the time. They told me they didn't mind. They told me they were happy to help because they loved me, but I felt so guilty. I just wanted to be NORMAL.

I undertand not wanting to explain everything to someone who doesn't suffer from the same condition. I only told friends and family what I HAD to tell them. I kept a lot to myself. If a friend dropped by for a visit and brought me dinner, I couldn't tell them how I was really feeling about them being there. I would always thank them and say I wasn't hungry and wanted to save my food for later... because I didn't want to have to explain to them that I couldn't swallow anything while another person was in my home. I would feel anxious and want them to leave the whole time they were here. I would try so hard not to let it show because I didn't want to hurt them, but I just felt so full of panic the whole time they were here.

It made me feel guilty and crazy and SELFISH. I felt bad that I couldn't be there to support my friends and family when they needed me. I wanted to be able to be there at the hospital when my brother's daughter was born, but I couldn't leave my home. I wanted to be able to be focused and supportive when a friend came over to talk to me about her man troubles, but all I could think about was how much I wanted her to leave so I could be alone.

I don't know what the solution is. I don't know anything about your boyfriend, but it sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you. If he didn't, he wouldn't still be there. So, I don't have any answers for you. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to a lot of the frustrations you expressed. I understand wanting to push everyone away and just be left alone with your illness. I wanted to be isolated when I was sick, but it turned out that the isolation made me worse, not better. I think I would have gotten better sooner if I had opened up more about how I was feeling to those who loved me. It might have helped.

Btw, your situation of having to leave your apartment scares the crap out of me. When I read that, it triggered some major anxiety in me. I'm struggling with a terribly messy flat (as I've posted about many times). Now I'm freaking out -- scared that my landlord could see the state of my place and evict me. I don't suppose a note from a doctor expressing that the state of the apartment is due to a mental illness can help in your situation? It seems terribly unfair. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

Juliana, thanks so much for your comments. They really help me feel supported.

I know how you felt, having someone visit you, but your mind being preoccupied with anxiety-relieving wishes of them to leave. When someone visits my home (which my bf wants much more of when we move), immediately, my mind goes into overdrive, taking note of everything they touch, what I'm going to have to wash (including myself) or wipe with a disinfectant cloth when they leave, what might get thrown away, and how long it'll take to do everything, and how long before I'm able to relax again.

I want to do things with friends and attend events and other things, but usually, thinking out how I'd go about it, if possible, seems more trouble than its worth.

I really hate that my mom talks to her friends about me, because she doesn't understand, even though she says she does (I'm not saying she doesn't try), and they sure as you-know-what don't understand. Plus she often says one thing to me, and then turns around and tells her friends she doesn't know why I don't do this or get that; she often says I "should've known" something, when I've never had the life experience to learn...and it was often her and/or my dad's jobs to make sure I learned it! As I've posted in the past, my idiot cousin's idiot girlfriend who'd never met me came up to me in Wal-mart one day and said right off the bat, "You need to help your mom more." People judge me as selfish (and yes, I am, in some ways, and I'm starting to accept that, instead of trying to change what I can't, and be ok with it), lazy, a bad daughter, etc. A long time ago, when I was a teenager and still lived with my mom, one of my mom's religious friends (the then-wife of the man she helped at the stop next door to the house she used to own) told me I liked having panic disorder and OCD, or I'd stop it.

I could go on and on with things I'm bitter about, stupid things people have said to me, wrongs I feel were done to me, etc., so it's tempting to type and type and type, but I'd also like to get some things done today, so I'll not do a whole lot more of that, LOL!

I actually find I do better without socializing and talking too much. I find the computer the better way for me, and so does my shrink. I don't mean I don't want to get out and that I don't get out, because I do. I mean, all my life, people have tried to force me into social situations, and it just doesn't work. I'm not happy. I was raised an only child, and have always preferred being alone. Not all the time, but most of the time. That's just the way I am, and I'm ok with it.

Too many people think my boyfriend and I should stay together because we've been together a long time. We've both never planned it this way. It's been a matter of convenience. He wants kids and I don't. We love each other, in the sense we care about each other, but we've never been in love with each other. You have to remember, I didn't come from a normal teenagehood. What bothers me is, even my sister doesn't get that. People can't understand from where I come, what anxiety does to you, not going to friends' houses, not learning social skills.

I took job training years ago. I was nice to everyone in the class, and I think part of their treatment of me was because I was quite open about myself and admitted I'd worked for a short time in a peep show, which I'm not ashamed of. The male teacher (he had a female assistant) made jokes about it. The others in class laughed, and when one woman told a story of how her grandmother beat a dog with an ashtray, they all laughed, but I was angry, and the female b**** assistant leaned to her left to peer at me and see the expression on my face, still laughing. I gave them rides because I had a car (my mom's car) with me. I don't remember how we got on the subject, but the class talked about blowjobs, and I said my then-boyfriend took a long time, and the male teacher, in front of everyone, said, "Maybe you're doing it wrong!" and everyone laughed hysterically. Why do people treat me like that? I really was a nice person.

When I worked at a local newspaper as a telemarketer selling the paper, I couldn't eat there, because of my OCD. I didn't give a lot of info about it, but I explained it was a problem for me. When they ordered pizza, I offered to chip in, and my b**** boss said, "No! We don't want your money! You won't eat with us!" I know eating is a social thing, but I couldn't help it.

These are just a couple of reasons why I don't like to socialize. I don't fit in, and of course, my OCD issues are another reason.

Our landlady is, as my boyfriend puts it, "really picky." Yours may not be. In our purchase of this house, he met another guy who happened to have lived here. He asked how did we like the landlady. My boyfriend said, "She's very..." and was going to say, "Picky," but the guy interrupted, "She's a b****!" LOL! A kindred heart!

I mentioned our being kicked out to my shrink, hoping she'd help me out, but she said, "Oh, yeah, you have to keep your apartment clean." No matter how much I said it wasn't "filthy" as the landlady said, she didn't seem to believe me. A lot of people don't. Those who have seen the photos and even seen our apt. in person do believe me, saying it's not at all filthy, at worst it looks "lived in," like some college dorms. My bf's sister is really p***ed that they're treating us like this. I can't say if your doctor would help you, but if it came up, I'd give it a shot.

I don't know Canada laws in regards to your rights as a mentally ill or disabled person, and your real estate rights, but it wouldn't hurt to look up information and educate yourself. Even our lawyer wasn't helpful (well, we'd seen two, the second was a little more helpful, although not by much) in helping me defend my rights as a disabled individual, even though we had both (digital) photos and videotape showing our place. Neither even looked at them. But they did have some useful advice, even though it goes against my nature: While you want to "cooperate," at the same time you don't, because you want to buy time. That can really help you have time to find another place. However, it is unlikely we'd be able to get another apartment (which screws me over if I want to and could get one of my own), because they'd check references and our landlady certainly wouldn't give us a good review.