Stressed... about to go into hospital

I do not have the braveness to talk to my friends and you do, and to do too many other things you do even to write here even after bad episodes.

Hi TJ, by now you've got to know that whatever you say you're not convincing me that you're worthless or stupid, because "bottom line" you're not!!!
What we're really talking about is that the feelings....urges.....completely overwhelmed you, right? Not a choice, right?
They just stepped in/took over before you could fight them off. And I know you've done a whole lot of real fighting to try to keep them away, it's just this time they were too strong.
And you/anyone can only do so much.
But this doesn't necessarily mean that you're back where you started in the "bigger picture". You've still got the progress you made (you're making!!) under your belt.
Now with what you've gone through/you're going through there might be slips......there might be times when.......but that doesn't need to mean that you're not getting there.
So now..........back to carrying on with pulling on as many coping methods as you can, hey?? Don't let this incident define the progress you have made!!
Alison

TJ

In my "episodes", the interval between the trigger and the violent self-punitive reaction is extremely short, possibly no more than two to five seconds. Consequently I try to avoid the triggers altogether.

How long did it take the anger to birth an overwhelming urge to "go for it"?

Hard to really put a time frame in it... Perspective and awareness of things like that kinda go out the window.

Started with intrusive thoughts to just self harm at first and then just escalated into a crescendo of self hate and general conclusion to die.

This morning had a chat with one of the nurses who explained that they and I are in a catch 22 position when it comes to me being on observations with limited liberties... That they know I hate it and want space but they have a duty to keep me safe and give me the security that escalations like that won't go unnoticed.

I know that if I'd been at home with the tools up to the job, it would have been a lot worse. writing this is making me cry a bit... Meh, sorry.

Hi TJ, I know it's got to be really invasive/uncomfortable being on regular obs and especially after you'd had them downgraded. But just try to keep remembering that it's just until you're "back up there". And you have been not so long ago, so it's still in reach.
So, as far as you can try not to let the obs bother you too much, it's you you need to focus on, right now.
And, hey, we want you kept safe too, alright?!!
Alison

Ah, they do realise it's a catch 22 situation. That reflects well on their understanding. I'm glad you are in a place where you can have substantive conversations with the nurses.

Thinking of you...

I wish you the best, also thank you for sharing

Well I had another bad anxiety/anger attack. As they've taken everything I could use as a sharp off of me I was left to screaming, punching my wall and kicking my chair... Proper little tantrum

Was warned by one of the nurses that they are getting worried and if I'm not careful I could be put on level 1 (on 2 at mo) which would mean a member of staff would be with me all the time.

Got to desperately try and stay calm... I want to be back on level 3 but the nurse explained that on level 3 you are checked once an hour and if I flipped out, hurt myself in some really bad way then I could be either seriously hurt or worse before they noticed so they are definitely keeping me on level 2 for now.

The thought did cross my mind to escape... There is a 7 foot fence in the yard (I'm 6'1) that I could fault to get to the roof (single floor layout). Thought better of it of course but did mention it to my wife who said that I am getting old (actually said 'not spritely) and if I fell the injury would make things even worse.

Very frustrated but will do what I can to stay calm till Thursday when I'll be seeing the psychiatrist.

Oh, they've signed me off work for a further 4 weeks which also worried me and I asked what that meant.. Was reassured that that does not necessarily mean I'll be here still for 4 weeks.

Odd though it might sound I've been feeling a bit more secure and safe now I'm adjusting to level 2. Just that little bit of human contact every 15 mins is not so bad and some of the staff are friendly.

One has suggested (knowing that I regret the lack of walks) that when given the chance to speak to a dr tomorrow to ask if I can compromise a request for at least one escorted walk off ward on the provision that I promise not to run off. I explained that the ward has got me by the balls in that regard anyway as they have my catheters and to run off would = an inability to pee.

Of course I omitted that to run off could also mean freedom to do something stupid but in honesty I am here to get better and walking does calm me.

They aren't daft though and i guess that would be weighed up in the risk/benefit analysis.

Spk to nurse on night duty (1am at mo and can't sleep) and he agrees that the above has possibilities... He's going to make a note of it for the morning hand over and hopefully a doctor will speak to me and assess.

Well saw the consultant this morning and he put me on level 3 (escorted walks) a little scared but going to try and stay calm and not **** up

Fully back on level 3 - that's a development. Did he offer a justification for the reassignment beyond the walks?

Safe calming techniques not involving psychoactive drugs are of special value.

Hi TJ, good news about the level 3 and escorted walks!!! While, understandably a little scared, it must feel good too, right??!!
So remember the grounding techniques and all the calming strategies you have, but don't forget to enjoy the walk/s and the progress you're making- be proud of yourself!!!!
Alison

Good thing you can take a walk.

I think frankbtl post is very good.. can't really add much else over that. Take care tj..

Hi TJ, it sounds like you are making progress. Going to level 3. It's probably good to have walks. Best of wishes.

Just defended a member of staff from a patient that went bat **** and tried to attack her (including throwing a cup of coffee at her) he's a big man and she is tiny and petite (under 5 foot)

He didn't touch me (would have floored him if he'd tried) but I put space between him and her till help arrived.

While they dealt with him, the lady was left alone and shaking, so guided her to a chair in the lounge and sat with her till one of the nurses took over.

I'm a bit shaken up and just needed to write it down.

Tj.....you are awesome.... I wish I knew you irl and that you lived nearby. I really don't think you can deny you're brave now... and really....more than half of the admiration I have for this incident is not the fact that you defended her at the time...but the part where you still cared for her afterwards and made sure she's fine till another nurse came. We need more people like you.

TJ, that's awesome that you defended her...you're a hero!

Didn't feel brave or a hero but thanks for saying so was just instinct in conjunction with a lack of care for my own well being.

If anything I felt very sad afterwards, I care a lot for the member of staff that was attacked and she was badly shook up. The man in question seems to get mad at the weirdest things and almost always at women (he punched an 18 year old boy the other night).

Was just so fast and out of nowhere this morning... I sensed something was going to happen before she did and surged forward to get him to back off (he's smaller in height to me, at least 20 years older and unfit in an obese way... So much heavier than me) but I couldn't stop the coffee being thrown

This afternoon I've been feeling really down, memories of being bullied by others significantly larger than me and being powerless.

Yes the nurse should be of good help if you accept her help, i know when the nurses used to try to talk to me, years ago, and i wouldn't accept help but now out of a hospital i'm happy i did listen in the end. Please let them help you

That's all it takes. You're a hero.
The event has 'shaken' you in a way unique to you. Please take this up with the right folks.

Worth considering: Years ago they bullied you, and today you defended her.

How do you think a hero would be like? On instinct to save others suits it... the lack for your own well being..well.. the care for her outweighs the care for yourself... a hero is someone who is willing to risk their of well being. Rohag is right.

I've also been in groups where bullying occured.. several times. Although it looks like everyone has. I still see faces in my dreams and I'm still afraid of seeing some of the pople of my past on busses or in town... not really cause they would do anything....but because I am filled with rage!

I really try to stick with the christian philosophy of "Learn to love our enemies" but when it comes to this I've got problems.. (I don't really consider myself a christian btw).

I hope you feel better soon. Maybe you could try to get in touch with that nurse again and see how she feels about it now. Might feel good for both of you following it up!

TJ, you were a hero. You are a good person, defending the nurse and helping her afterwards. Some people would have done nothing. An event like this can "shake you up". But you did a good brave deed to help someone else. I am proud of you.