Stressed... about to go into hospital

(((((((((( TJ ))))))))))

I agree Alison.

I woke up this morning feeling essentially calm and ok. The meds they have me on have stabled out a lot of the fluctuations and on reflection I do feel at present that I have come on in leaps and bounds since the first day I came onto the ward.

Yesterday I was hit by a deep depression... but that's just part of the process... some days will be better than others and as long as I utilise the support available, I should be able to avoid any major spirals.

Last night I got triggered but I identified it for what it was (had gone to my bed space to cut)... went back out, asked for a prm (patient request medication) of diazepam and though yes I got further triggered by a surprise sound (I punched a wall as a result) I asked to speak to a member of staff before the anxiety built up to confusion/out of control point.

Member of staff spoke to me and it helped to bring me back down... to calm the erratic surge.

I hope that these above problems are not going to plague me forever (as they have up to now) but I am starting to identify the early onsets which is a good start.

Edit: Something just kicked off in the ward while I was writing this and the noises and shouting were distracting me and triggering the anxiety... stuck ear phones in asap and put music on to drown it out... eased off and calmed.

reading your posts makes me hopeful. thanks!

Well done!

Thanks both

Just had a half hour session with my named nurse... ironic as it was very informative, helpful and easy going (her last chance to talk to me before my discharge and her going on holiday is tomorrow)... a shame we struggled with rapport and trust (found it very difficult to open up to her) for so long... but at least we got there in the end.

We chatted about my difficulties with communicating and the worry that once out in the community, this limitation is going to effect any help I might receive from my cpn and the crisis team (hard to help someone who doesn't talk... or while in panic makes no sense). She has told me 'write it down!'; that when I'm struggling, to put it all on paper, the emotions, the confusion, the intent, the actions I am doing... document it so that when it comes to home visits I have something they can actually see.

If I am in crisis, to call my cpn (hours are 9-5)... or take myself to A&E out of hours/call 999 (crisis team are a short term measure for about 2 weeks after discharge so this was with regards to after that)... though with regards to what I've put into brackets, my nurse said to check with both the crisis team and cpn if I should call the crisis team when in crisis further down the line.

Will have outpatient appointments with a psychiatrist for medication review and of course the screening appointments for other issues they want to investigate.

She has also been really helpful in getting the ball rolling for out of hospital groups I can attend (creative writing and the like) and has given me the name and contact details of a mental health nurse who works in the community with these activities in mind. I am to go talk to him this Tuesday.

Not sure what the future holds for me... not sure about my predictability and impulsive nature when I am struggling... but help is there if I have presence of mind to reach for it which is certainly more than I had before... so for that I am grateful, a little more assured and have the feeling of hope that things will get better.

Sounds good.

Do you already have a discharge date?

Hi TJ, well done on not letting the triggers beat you (yet again!! ) !!!!!
And the starting to spot and act on the early onsets is going to be making a massive difference in getting through/managing them and your feelings. I know it might not work all the time, but..........excellent!!!
And the rest/support set up sounds really positive too.........but perhaps see the help out there as there as a tool in staying on track as much as you can, in helping you to keep on developing those coping resources, as giving you that backup in keeping on top of your wellbeing, and in helping you in finding/experiencing really significant things in your life............all that kind of stuff ..............instead of as much there to prevent x or y from happening, because you're not well enough to go it alone, because you can't do x or y.
Let that help be there to empower you, to help you feel empowered..............instead of much more a reminder of..............because there is so much more to you TJ, so much you don't always give yourself credit for!!
And you know if times are hard.........which they may be at times........you're not going to be on your own, perhaps keep reminding yourself of that as often as you need to, hey??

And the writing down your feelings bit doesn't just have to be focused on home visits, do you reckon?? If you feel that you might be coming close to crisis at any time then do you think you could be writing as much as you can down for if you need to phone the crisis team. I know that might be really hard but it might help to be reading (on the phone) what's been going on for you, rather than having to try and explain when you're already feeling.............????

But really it feels like you're already reducing the risk of crisis in so many ways!!!
And as for hope...........you've been doing so well despite/regardless of some things going on for you.............I think you deserve a little hope, right??!!

Alison

Apparently Thursday coming, nervous about it.

Best wishes to you for Thursday!

Good Luck TJ.

Good luck...you can do it!

You amongst others have been a massive support to me in this thread/chronicle of my experiences, and without it I don't know if I'd have managed quite as well. Wanted to say that before continuing.

There is a certain amount of fear in me as (and I think I read it right) I know I am still not well... but I have support and the two months of safety in hospital has weathered a storm that I doubt I would have done alone had I not been admitted.

With respect to empowerment... yes, I see the validity in that... I just have to be brave to embrace it... to not let stubborn pride (which is really weakness of rejection for me when I truly scratch past the surface) stop me from reaching out... as much for me as for those that I care about as it has been a burden on them and I can't put them through it again.

I am scared though Alison... there are days, hours, minutes that I do 'give up' and I desperately just want to grit my teeth through it to get to the other side.

This is something to genuinely consider and speak to the team and my cpn about... to ask them to put in notes that on contact I may be detached and reading out what I've written... and to bare with me if I start crying or whatever

For this I will finish at the bottom:

Thank you to all quoted above, to all who have posted in this thread... to those who have silently read but have supported in your own way... it has meant a lot to me.

This has been a rocky road to this point... I really didn't know this thread would go to so many pages at the first post... hell, I thought I'd be in hospital for a few day... a week max.

There are probably going to be a few more entries from me from here till Thursday but yes, the day of discharge is looming and hopefully it will be less rocky once I'm back home.

Just wanted to add a and another thanks.

TJ

Hi TJ, you already know I understand the scared bit and without a doubt, here for you!!
But just a thought..............it's going to be quite a change being home (in some good ways as well but.....) so do you think you can write down some of the things the hospital has given you and build them in as far as you can/as is comfortable at home.
I'm thinking structure as a basic one.............maybe try to have some planning to your days (I mean even keep mealtimes etc the same as they are now when you're home if it helps!!).
Although give yourself the same kind of "rest" as there, don't go trying to throw yourself into everything at once!!!!
It's given you points of contact like talking to the nurses.............maybe build something like that into home e.g. regular phone calls or talks with your wife or friend.
It's given you some safety...........maybe look at how you can remove some items from your home...........like you pointed out the- was it a small knife?- to your wife on one visit. At least until you've settled back into home a little.
Well you get the idea....................
And maybe look at reducing what you know might be triggers when you get home e.g. things you feel you should be coping with/doing but aren't quite ready to do yet.
And got a list yet ().........a list of things you're going to be doing/trying if you're feeling/start feeling............if you want to.........?? And I hope talking to us is going to be on there somewhere!!!
But keep up with the talking about things, hey?? It might well be hard at times to start with, so remind yourself you deserve all the support there is.

Alison

Discharge... Hope and fear...

I look forward to your ripening impressions of your time in the ward as your hospitalisation recedes farther and farther into the past.

Wishing you strength for this coming week and especially for the weeks after discharge!

Meant to reply to this along time ago Clara, but didn't have the energy at the time. My mum and I... I have stubble as preference but I'm fair haired so probably hard to see.



This picture was taken during some of the harder part of my stay here... but for my mum I did my best to put on a brave face

A lot to absorb there Alison but some very valid points. Going to try and take it slow but like you said, develop a routine. As an outpatient, I'm going to try and throw myself into the activities I can partake in which include creative writing and pottery. There is also a college for recovery at this hospital with courses for self help and a better understanding of mh and how to manage so will be looking at that as well.

As for home, that could be trickier... as a unit, my wife and I are a little unstructured to say the least which (baring in mind her profession as a teacher... and is essentially working even when at home) means meals are often missed if my depression hits hard. This is not her fault... just the way it is... and with us tightening our belts due to uncertainty with my work... we're going to have to look at the practicalities of the future.

Part of this may be me forcing structure myself... doing what I can to make things easier for her... preparing meals if not cooking (I am a lousy cook) while at home and such like... to try and not fall into bad habits or just stare into space.

Thanks mate, I've appreciated your support over the whole duration of my time on these boards and your private messages. Going to see what happens after Thursday.. will be a time for reflection and working out the 'what next' I guess.

Wow! What a handsome young man!

kind of you to say

It is really true, older specialist in handsomeness speaking here, I am telling this with due respect, lol

Hi TJ, well you've cracked an addition to your structure/routine right there (!!) ..........watching at least two cookery programs a week??
But the activities and the college sound great!!! Go for it!!!

Alison

Well, slight hic-cup to overall plans.

Our dog in all of her 7 stone of running 'I'm a tank' like energy ran straight into the side my wife's knee yesterday at full pelt while they were out for a walk and has torn either ligaments or tendons (doctors aren't sure yet till swelling goes down), so she will be on crutches for the next 6-8 weeks.. and it will be 2 weeks before they know how to treat it.

This all falls in line with my discharge... in an ideal situation she would be better off going round to her parents (a street away) for meals and just generally being looked after... but with me coming home it's going to cause complications.

A bit of a mess. Not sure how this is going to pan out

Was going to take home leave from Sunday to Thursday but not sure if that's a good idea right now.

Hi TJ, well for a start we're going to have to up your cookery programs from at least two per week to at least three per week!!!
But at least this is going to mean your wife's home a bit more, which might actually be good timing/give you some comfort.
And knowing how caring you are you'll have a bit of a distraction by focusing a little on her difficulties.
In terms of practicalities nothing to say her parents can't still help out a bit. Perhaps have a kind of a plan based on what she can't do and work from there in what help you might need from them (even if it means them dropping by the odd meal!! ).
And the being looked after by her parents if you weren't there........it's often really good to have loved ones there if we're struggling/we have difficulties so she might really appreciate just having you around regardless of/despite anything else.

Alison

Thanks.

I think as I write this I am actually prepared. Will leave the hospital for home leave on my own tomorrow (obviously my wife is in no condition to travel). Going to pop in for activities during the days (mon, tues, wed) but other than that, get back to being at home.

It's weird... I am still having depressive thoughts (suicidal ideation), moments in the day when energy drains and general lethargy... and no doubt will self harm... but I'm not actually worried about it... trying to look at it in terms of 'this is who I am'... yes, I want things to change... yes, things can get very very bad... but I'm still here... so I must be doing something right.

Will endeavour to utilise what support is there... and I've got looking after my wife to focus on too.