Stressed... about to go into hospital

Impressed, brave..... ((((TJ)))). Hope it continues in the direction....

Had another melt down earlier today was yelling screaming, cutting and was in desperation mode to kill myself. Oddly enough I was triggered by a junior doctor who told me that the appointment my wife had made to see the consultant was in fact going to be with him. Well I flipped out... Snapping and screaming at everyone, refused to take my medication, packed my bag and was insisting to be let out which of course they refused. Had an argument with one of the care workers (we reconciled later and had a good chat though most of it involved me crying) and it took a while for me to calm down.

Didn't help that the nursing staff where pretty aloof and unhelpful... One even said 'if you calm down we'll get the doctor for you to talk to' which I pretty much screamed 'how the hell is that going to calm me down when it's him that I'm so angry with?'.... Wasn't really helpful on my part

My arm currently stings a bit but serves me right I guess... Took some meds 2 hours later once the staff change had happened and there was a nurse I felt more comfortable talking to.

Wasn't really helpful on their part, either. I suppose a rational assessment of the various elements of the treatment there - what helped, what didn't - requires time and distance.

I'm delighted to learn about your friends' support!

Continuing to follow you and your "adventure"...

Glad for your friends.

I don't understand...was there something wrong with that doctor? Would you rather have an appointment with another one?

"if you calm down we'll get the doctor for you to talk to" that doesn't sound like a very proffessional thing to say. :/

Sitting on my bed feeling a little sad right now. My wife had arranged a few days ago for me to leave the ward (supervised of course) to see my dog who she brought to the hospital tonight.

Sadly as I'm under high risk observation it wasn't possible and as my wife couldn't leave the dog in the car too long (her dad was with our dog with the windows open) she could only stay for half an hour.

I was given extra meds to keep my anxiety down but I was still upset.

Kicking myself for how i am right now... But just got to roll with it.

For the visit from my friend tomorrow it's been agreed that I'll have my anti psychotic and anxiety meds before hand to make it a little easier.

My wife had booked specific time off to speak to my consultant... But instead she'll be seeing a junior doctor who is more a mouth piece rather than qualified to answer any concerns with certainty.

She is pissed off too (saw her tonight) and is going to kick off about it tomorrow.

TJ, one of the biggest problems I had both times I was in the hospital was with certain members of the staff (pdocs included)...some just didn't seem to be very intelligent, helpful or even courteous. It's sort of a hit-and-miss. There were others that were wonderful. All I can advise is that you take advantage of the good ones and try your best not to get riled up by the bad ones. Harder than it is to say, I know.

I see. That must be difficult to deal with. Hope it turns out ok one way or the other...

A hug of healing for you. ^^

Sorry you didn't get to see your dog! I can understand how much you must be missing him/her! I'm away from my cat and dog too and I miss them loads! I have a picture of a cat as my phone background and one of my dog on my desk at work so at least I see photos of them every day...it's not the same of course but it's something.

(((((((((TJ))))))))

hope things start to inprove soon

(((((((( TJ ))))))))

You are still in my thoughts. If wishes could heal you; you'd be well.

TJ hope things get better for you soon.

I hope everything is going ok for you.

Have woken up this morning feeling better and clearer of head. Still worried about things but managing it.

Yesterday was interesting to say the least. Wife came for the review and spoke her mind which included the best ways of managing me when I am in anxiety. They asked me lots of questions and it became too much at one point, I asked to excuse myself for a moment, left the room and punched the wall to the point of leaving blood on it, my knuckles are still sore.

Overall i think the meeting went well.

My best friend came to visit me after (the one I had been petrified of telling) and it was emotional my end (he's a police officer and took it in his stride) he even joked that in his profession I'm the best kind of mentally ill as I self harm rather than kick off at every one else (I did see the funny side).

I told him that he had always been my role model and that I was ashamed that I had never been able to fulfil the high expectations he has of people. He told me that I had strength that he lacked... That he has lost so many friends but through my tenacity I've kept him close and been there for him even though he treats others badly... That I should not have been scared to tell him about my MH sooner but that he knows in his younger days he was an arse hole... Made me smile. We both hugged (manly way) and he's promised to come visit me again next week.

By that night I was exhausted... After he left I did have a wobble and was feeling suicidal but I went and talked to one of the care workers who calmed me down as well as told me that I had to realise how difficult it would be for me to succeed with an attempt in here... No matter how creative and intelligent I've shown him to be.

Slept for 10 hours (was restless) but had a vivid dream of being back in china.

Edit: just saw my consultant and I asked to be taken off of level 2 observations. He has agreed so I will be allowed supervised walks. They are also taking me off the anti psychotic as that doesn't help with the water retention.

Looks like some good things happened and some bad things. To me ... it looks like the good overweight the bad one for this day. Happy for you. ^^

I will send some hugs out in the air so when you get outside make sure to catch them!

Hi TJ, really glad things are starting to come together for you. And friends like that are priceless although it sounds like you've been a really good friend to him too!!

Alison

Had a bad day

Hi TJ Want to talk about it??
Alison

Only if and when you're ready.
I'm hoping close observation of the bad stuff will yield better understanding and treatment/self-care.

well after two days of actually feeling normal to good... Things caught up with me last night and I started to feel low.

Woke up at 4:30 am feeling suicidal. Ended up self harming before seeking help. Had to beg to not be put on observations (and withdrawal of escorted walks off ward) as my dog was coming today.

Haven't stopped thinking of dieing all day though. Exhausted right now.

Saw dog and that was nice

Hi TJ, thanks for sharing And what is really good in that is that you sought help, even if it was after the SI, you sought help!!
Real credit to you for that!!!
Now the feeling normal to good doesn't necessarily have to have vanished on you (even if right now you aren't feeling it).
It might be just like you said things have caught up on you.........and with some more help.............
Do you think you could talk to someone there about the way you're feeling?? You have found some of them supportive before haven't you? And if they're not going to know what you're feeling they can't give you that support/help they're there to offer you can they??
But could there have been any triggers, do you think??
I know you really like to see your dog (and it sounds like you need that!!) but perhaps it's making it resonate how you're not home, how things aren't "normal"/run-of the-mill etc???
But it's all about what's best for you, right now!! And you deserve help, all the help you need!!!
And don't forget we're right here for you.............

Alison

I am so happy that you saw your dog today. I imagine that that was very nice. It was a beautiful moment to treasure and come back to. I am sending my best regards and want to reiterate how much I admire your braveness, hope I had even a half of the braveness you have

I don't feel brave often wrecked with anxiety and fear

Well I ****ed up spectacularly. Made another attempt this morning... Can't even explain why... Got angry at myself and then went for it. Hyperventilated in the process and my head and arms became numb.

Been put back in 10 min observations... So ashamed, angry and upset. Had been doing well for almost 4 days... Then 5 mins of stupidity slams me back to where I started.

Feeling so worthless and stupid