Stressed... about to go into hospital

I just wanted to say, you are so strong and I think you are an amazing person, reading what you post and what you go through. The first hour I was in the hospital it was more than I could take, I cant imagine being in for so long.

I can see your point, just not that great with praise... Had a few moments in my life when I've done similar things that once the situation has passed the realisation of what I've done doesn't really phase me or make me feel proud... Just do it... And normally get very sad that the person at the other end was in trouble in the first place.

Reminds me of physically stopping some kid jumping in front of a train about 10 years back. My mum was so mad at me, massive lecture on how dangerous and foolish I was, that the lad could have pulled me over with him... I just think that we all hope that we'd be the one to intervene when another is in crisis and having been saved a few times myself... Well yeah I don't ever want to be one of those that 'could have' but did nothing and then regret it and have something extra to hate myself for... Perhaps there is an element of self preservation of spirit mixed in there.

Dunno, sorry for labouring the point... Just got me thinking and you know me by now that I share what's on my mind

As for bullies from the past... For me the majority of that is over 20 years past, I doubt either I or they would recognise each other... And rage at them specifically has long past... Done is done, enacting vengeance now would be futile and misplaced... No doubt with age and experience they have changed anyway.

Little bit stressed today... Been 5 days since I last self harmed (not through choice, theyve kept sharpes away from me.

Got a meeting with my psychiatrist, wife and mum at 2pm and I want to arrange leave for the weekend... But I know that I'm not fully safe, that I want to cut... That since I started several months back I essentially opened Pandora's box and it's my best coping mechanism... But combined with rage can lead to more serious intent

Not really getting any support here to counter this behaviour which is hard to handle.

TJ!!!! And what have I been saying all along is under all of this??? A really caring, considerate, thoughtful, compassionate.............person??!!!!
Surely it's got to be about time you started really believing that after your last few posts, yes??!!!
So just try to open yourself up as much as you can to any help you can get and using that as well/much as you can, you deserve it!!!
As or the stress/five days since you SH'd. Well you know, it's got to be hard managing without having that "at hand" after it's been so prominent for you in coping, but just keep pushing through bit by bit and as many other/"healthy" coping options as you can/need, hey??
And you know what, I don't care if they've kept "sharps" away from you, you still haven't SI'd so congratulations on five days!!! And well done!!!!
Alison

Edit: was writing this before I saw your reply Alison, thanks.

Saw consultant this afternoon and it went well I think. Psychiatrist has officially diagnosed me with depressive disorder and anxiety without psychosis (they weren't sure when I first came in)

Has upped my dose of antidepressant and diazepam.

Also allowing me weekend leave to go home on the provision I come back Sunday. Is looking at discharge in 2-3 weeks with leave in between to ensure I can manage at home. I've been referred to a community psychiatric nurse for when discharged along with the first 7 days to be monitored by the crisis team.

With regards to leave the wife and I will have the ward number in case things deteriate so they can advise what to do or to come back immediately which I think reassured the wife as she's worried about me cutting and still having suicidal thoughts but they want feedback on how things go at home as my anxiety has been through the roof at times on the ward.

In that regard I'm a little scared too as my mind set can change dramatically and I will be going from an environment where for the last 5 days all sharpes have been taken away to a home full of them... Going to be a matter of self control and determination.

Trying to be positive too though, will be out of here for 2 days which is so welcome.

I know this isn't a longterm answer but maybe while you are still learning to manage the urges is it possible for your wife to secure the sharps somewhere?

Two day leave is awesome, I hope you manage to have a nice enough time. Maybe the increase in the diazepam will also help to keep you calm.

TJ don't think about how long it's been since you lat SI instead resolve to get though the next couple of hours, if you need to go hour by hour or minute by minute. As a former SI I can tell you it does help. I swiped the idea from NA when I went for my ex husband. Sometimes it's just the same as addiction.

Saw councillor who came in to hospital to see me. Was emotionally numb. Spoke to her about my social anxiety since coming in here as well as concerns about this weekend. At first she was concerned about my safety and was gently encouraging me to not take the leave.

My anxiety increased and I essentially pleaded with her to not say anything. She has written a note for wife to structure my weekend and keep me busy.

Re social anxiety she said that I am very sensory sensitive and had 'traits' of aspergers (I hate it when she does this) but said that it's not full on, that I am empathetic and good socially... But noted I can only seem to do this one on one... Anything more flips me out. She wants me to get ear plugs this weekend so that I can block out all of the activity that has been triggering me off.

Interesting! No one ever suggested ear plugs to me, but I've been using them for over fifteen years to help cope.

Best wishes for the best outcome this weekend.

(((((((((( TJ ))))))))))

Good luck for the weekend! It may be difficult but I would not pay much attention to labels. To me, as there is lack of knowledge about the relationship among Physics, Neurology, and Psychology, science is filling the gaps with theories and labels are part of them. Perhaps the most important thing is to find what works for you. My best wishes for your weekend and thanks a lot for taking the time to update us.

Hi TJ, really good that you're getting weekend leave. But don't forget you're not going to have to be all on your own in coping with this, it doesn't have to be an "in at the deep end".
If you need your wife to phone the ward for some advise/backup then that's absolutely fine, they're there to help if...........and that won't mean you've failed in the slightest if they need calling..........might be they can offer some advise or advise about uping your medication. They're going to be wanting to see this working as well as it can, as well as you. So not on your own, hey??!! Just use the backup if you need to.
And some structure sounds great- just see it's manageble for you- not too much, not too little.
And you know if, if, if you were only to manage a day at home, then no problem.........it's a start..........and something to work from in them supporting you to manage for longer.......and longer......and longer. So less pressure, hey??!!
Secret had some really good advise about having sharps secured/less accessible though- do you think you could/should arrange for that (?).........you know about temptation when it hits, don't you??!!
But the Aspergers...........didn't sound like an actual diagnoses............maybe see whether they follow it up.........and even get a bit more information on it (if you're not already clued up on it!!).
Now TJ..............go get/have your wife get you some ear plugs and try to enjoy as much of the weekend as you can!!!
Try not to forget about us though we're here if you need some extra support!!

Alison

Found this to be a very tough night.

Duel feelings on coming home.

Rational side wants to get better, cares about my wife, mum, friends who have supported me.... has plans for the future and is looking forward to getting my life together.

Irrational side of me had been wanting to come home for ready access to cutting and possibly dieing in the comfort of my own home without the meddling of mental health workers who have in effect kept me trapped in a secure unit for 2 and a half weeks, removing any access to self harm and essentially controlling my day.

On getting home I found my wife had removed all of my sharpes with the exception of one as it was disguised as a wallet swiss army knife and she didn't know it contained (ironically) the sharpest blade I have. It was by my computer and after umming and arring for 5 minutes, I gave it to her explaining what it was before the temptation became to great.

An hour or two later, the stress and tension got the better of me and I punched a wall... then went upstairs looking for the blades I know she's hidden (but no idea where)... checked draws and bags but to no affail... she came up 2 minutes later and found me sitting on the bed shaking.

Talked to me calmly and asked what I was doing and thinking. Was honest and said that I was struggling and though I didn't want to go back to hospital... was worried I'd made a mistake coming out too soon.

She hugged me and then engaged some calming exercises with me that did actually bring me down to ground a bit.

I'm still frustrated... got this horrible mind set where I do and I don't want to hurt/die and I'm finding it super hard to tip the balance of wanting to get better over wanting to not.

I feel terrible for the times that I do not (when I'm more rational and thinking clearly) as I am both sabotaging my recovery... and spitting in the face of the amazing support I've had from family, friends, people here and mental health support.



Is this nightmare scenario ever going to end in a positive way?

I know and acknowledge that when push comes to shove... it is me that needs to make the change... but I'm finding it so hard.

The way you explain the two sides of yours are awfully similiar to my own experience. To me...it helps to even call one of my sides for "the shadow"... it might sound very cliché but the point is just that I kinda discriminate it to be myself or my own thoughts... it's like a parasite feeding thoughts to my brain.

There's only one friend with whom I share this though (apart from you now) and to her it's very easy now to just say "I want to do this but my shadow doesn't." and then she understands.

I don't understand why you look so negatively on the future...oh...well...I mean...I know you are depressed....it's just... the events today sounds very good to me! You first made sure your wife took away the last remaining knife (GJ!) and then after you got the urge your wife calmed you down... if only slightly it is something! To me it sounds like you kinda...ermh....made progress!

You are gonna get more of these negative feelings tj...you are gonna punch a wall again...you are going to get self harm urges and so on... no one gets cured in a flash! But to me it looks like you are learning things and I believe this WILL end in a positive way! !

I hope this didn't make you feel worse somehow.... HUGS!

Hi TJ, you are NOT sabotaging your recovery!!! Recovery can be a rocky road with "bumps" here and there along the way. "Bumps" you can't avoid. But the part of you that comes up that wants to get better (which keeps coming up!!) shows that you are on that road.
And that takes so much strength, so really don't make it harder than it already is (and I know it's hard) by putting too high expectations on yourself..........by "beating" yourself up about the tough times. Just make sure you carry on being open when you're having tough times, and reaching for help/support with them.
And if you need to go back to hospital at any time this weekend, remember that is not a failing, that is just one more step on the road to recovery.
Please just stay safe, and whatever is best for you.
And again, REAL credit for handing over the blade!!!!! That was impressive!!!!!

Alison

Today has been rough and at one point the wife and I were almost in agreement of us calling the hospital (she was in tears and worried and stressed... at which point I quit thinking about me and realised the extent of pressure I was putting on her).

My self control has been non existent and being at home with so much temptation around me has been like me being a kid in a candy store... and I've crisscrossed my left arm in si whilst combating suicidal thoughts.

Came home too soon I think and for too long... an evening may have been better. She has literally confiscated everything sharp (including kitchen knives and decanting can drinks into plastic cups) and locked them away.

She wants me to stay the night now... but tomorrow a friend is taking me out for the day (a qualified nurse though not in mental health) and she called him and told him 'everything' which she only told me about once she hung up. Said that he needed to be aware and vigilant.... I got a bit upset about it.

I really don't want to go back to hospital, but the wife will be away from sunday afternoon till Wednesday and she simply and probably rightly so does not trust me with my current state of mind.

I feel ashamed writing this... but it is what it is... and at least I'm still at home for now.

While we chatted and I was shaking and agitated, our dog was busy licking my wounds while I just sat there in a kind of 'oh crap' state.... stung like hell, wife advised that dog saliva is like an anti septic... didn't know that.

Hi TJ. It sounds like progress being able to go home for the weekend but also a challenge. You did well to give the knife to your wife on your own. A step in a good direction. Do not be ashamed, recognizing your needs in your illness is a positive step. There will be ups and downs. You are making progress. It sounds like you would need to be back in the hospital when your wife has to be away so you can have supervision. I wish you the best.

I've just read this whole journey of yours from the beginning in the past hour.

I know others will back me up when I say that you really, truly are making significant progress. You have a totally different (better) "voice" in your posts now as compared to when you began. Even if you don't see/feel it yet you are sounding more positive and controlled

I thinl you are wonderfully brave for doing this journal!

Breathe and meditate. Rinse lather repeat (or is that too much of an American joke)

You are in my thoughts.

Good - a chance to be someplace else other than hospital, home and work.
Dogs/pets are superior to many forms of medicine... I'm glad for you time with him.

Wishing you a relaxing day!

TJ

I don't understand why you are ashamed... but it's good that you can pull yourself to write this.

Looks like you both agree on that you got out for too long/too early though. I'ts hard tj to admit that you need to go to the hospital... But maybe it's for the best for both of you. :/

Keep updating us tj. Just came home from a trip and the second thing I did when I came home was to check this thread. Take care. I care ^^

How did the transition back to the hospital go?
The weekend at home presented its own peculiar stresses; I hope you can let those go without too much trouble.
Best wishes for increasingly better days.

Was difficult... And this morning particularly traumatic (though for those trying to contact me, I was numb and in a mind set)

Last night I was agitated and pacing up and down the corridor... The weekend had been very stressful and I was ruminating quite a lot... Punched the walls a few times and had blood tricking quite thickly down my fingers from one of my knuckles. One of the nurses was called, gave me an extra dose of diazepam and them sat with me for a while asking questions and getting me to talk about what happened at the weekend.

The diazepam tired me out and I went to bed exhausted.

Woke up agitated again but was keeping things together. Wasn't feeling very safe (depression had kicked in hard though my anxiety was down) and I asked for an escorted walk.

Transpired that on Friday my consultant had changed it so I would now have unescorted walks...

So they let me out on my own... Fixated on suicide. Instead of doing what I was meant to do which was walk on hospital grounds for half an hour... I decided to fulfil my plan (irrational daze) and walked to town which was a 4 mile trek. Before I'd gone my mum had called and I had told her how I felt and what they had said about walks. By the time she called the ward of the danger... I'd already gone.

She kept calling me and I ignored the calls most of the way... Was very determined. Finally answered a call as I got to town and she was screaming at me to go back to the hospital. I said it was pointless, no one gave a crap... Had tried to tell them how I felt and it had fallen on death ears. I relented though and said I'd call the crisis team. Called and a really unhelpful lady said that because I was an inpatient I had been discharged from them and they would not help... That I should go back to hospital or my gp.. I laughed and hung up and then continued into town. As I got to the shops one of the nurses called and kept me engaged in chat enough to talk me down... To come back and to talk to them. She asked me to stay where i was and got a taxi to come pick me up.

On return, the doctors were called to see me and I had a massive chat with them... Was very honest and said that I felt the treatment I was getting was doing nothing, that I shouldn't have come back and wanted to discharge. He advised that he couldn't stop me from doing that but it would be in my best interests to put some faith in them and allow them to help me as best they can till I am better... That he recognised I was pschology minded and that as such he would be more upfront with my treatment so I knew what was going on.

Did put me at ease a bit and I agreed to stay.

((((((TJ))))))

I'm glad the nurse could talk you down and get you back to the hospital safely. I'm sorry it's still so hard for you, but you will get through this. You've got the support of all of us here, and your friends and family irl too. Keep on going, you can do this

:/ I kinda feel I am out of words.... you've heard so much from me I hope you'll never forget that I care...