[NowhereUSA]

I'm kind of over this whole depression thing. *sigh*

I'm in my 30s and have had depression for... well as long as I can remember anyway. My first major episode with suicidal ideation was when I was 14. In the last five or six years I've sought professional help (ugh to all the people who made me feel terrible about having depression). The thing is... nothing has worked No meds (and I've been on a ton), therapy (did DBT and have had the same therapist for this whole time - he's really good)... nothing works

I'm so frustrated and worn down. If we could afford ECT, I'd give it a go, but we can't. Blerg.

Anyway. I'm not sure what to do. I feel really low and my therapist has been worried about me (rightly so). I'm just mentally exhausted. Some of that could be PPD on top of my regular stuff and I did have a traumatic labor, but I'm kind of stuck either way. I'm going to see my psychiatrist in a few weeks but I'm not really hopeful he has any ideas :-/

[gayleggg]

I understand. I've been battling depression since I was 32, I'm now 62. Back when I was younger my doctor would find something that would work for a year or two then just quit working. Now the best he has managed to do is to keep where I'm not actively suicidal. Which I'm thankful, for but I have no joy in my life. I have never tried ECT and don't think I want to.

I certainly hope your psychiatrist can find something to help you when you see him. No one deserves to go through this.

Hi NowhereUSA, I believe at this point I have treatment-resistant depression too. I've been depressed since August 4th and am now on my fourth antidepressant to combat it. Will soon be heading toward my fifth. My psychiatrist recommended ECT, but I'm too afraid to try it.

Just know that you're not alone in your struggles. There are many people in our boat - - not that that changes the situation, but maybe it will help you feel less alone in your struggle. I know coming on here and realizing many others are suffering from depression makes me feel like not so much of a freak. Best of luck to you in finding something that helps.

[Frankbtl]

Hi NowhereUSA, I'm sorry for the way you're feeling and as for the people who made you feel terrible about having depression well......I would say that either they didn't really understand what you were going through or they should have no place in your life.
But well done on reaching out for professional help despite what you must have been going through!! And in persevering with the help for so long.
But bear in mind it has been five to six years you've been working on it. I'm sure that seems a long time but with a yearish (?) or more (?) of that being pregnant (which can sometimes increase depression), having a traumatic labour and like you've said maybe PPD it does shrink down the time scale a little. So don't give up on yourself that easy, OK?
Sometimes therapy can be a longish process, it'll vary according to the individual. Sure some people may take six months but for others it can take longer. It wouldn't harm to ask your T about anything else they can recommend though, either in them using different approaches or things other than DBT you could try. And maybe even some support groups, particularly if you have PPD. Sometimes it can help in sharing your experiences with others going through it and sharing ideas and support.
As for the medication though........I wouldn't necessarily give up hope, sure sometimes there are cases when no medication will make a difference, but sometimes (as there are so many out there) it can be hitting on one specific one or an exact combination which is going to work for you. Sometimes it can be about hitting on the right combination and dosage of three...four....medications. So still some possibilities out there, right??
And even if nothings feeling better next week.......next month........two months from now........then you know at least in/over that time there are people here as well who can relate to how you feel, give you understanding, empathy, support in what you're going through. And sometimes just talking, letting it out can sometimes help a bit.......so don't hesitate in telling us about how things are for you. We're here.
And welcome to PC!!!
Alison

[Purplesept2007]

Hi Nowhere USA,
I do not know if this will help or not but I am reading a book right now that is called The Mindful Way through Depression freeing yourself of chronic depression by Mark Williams. It is dealing with mediation and instead of the doing mode the being mode. I am not completely done with it yet but once I can make it a habit I think it will help me. This is not a easy read also my book came with the CD. This was suggested by my therapist it is basically homework for me. I have been in depression starting around 15 years of age and now 51. As you stated my therapist is great and she has been working with me for the past 9 years so I have been were you are and it is tough really tough but just keep pushing forward and you do have people who definitely care about you here and understand how you feel. Hang in there...

[NowhereUSA]

ECT used to freak me out too... but I've kind of just come to a place where I'm like "Yeah, I could do that."

I've done well over a dozen medications, enhancers (like Abilify), etc. I had to write them down in a notebook (full page!) so I could remember them.

My T is working hard to find another answer. I really, really like DBT because it's so practical. I didn't get good emotional support growing up (had all the other supports, but my depression was taboo) so it's been good to give me skills. My T tells me that I'm one of his hardest working clients and I know it's been a process for him to work with me because he hates seeing me put in so much effort and not seemingly get much out of it :-/

[nummy]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

I'm kind of over this whole depression thing. *sigh*

I'm in my 30s and have had depression for... well as long as I can remember anyway. My first major episode with suicidal ideation was when I was 14. In the last five or six years I've sought professional help (ugh to all the people who made me feel terrible about having depression). The thing is... nothing has worked No meds (and I've been on a ton), therapy (did DBT and have had the same therapist for this whole time - he's really good)... nothing works

I'm so frustrated and worn down. If we could afford ECT, I'd give it a go, but we can't. Blerg.

Anyway. I'm not sure what to do. I feel really low and my therapist has been worried about me (rightly so). I'm just mentally exhausted. Some of that could be PPD on top of my regular stuff and I did have a traumatic labor, but I'm kind of stuck either way. I'm going to see my psychiatrist in a few weeks but I'm not really hopeful he has any ideas :-/

Have you ever tried a mood stabilizer??
Could you be bipolar?

I had recurrent depression. Like you, depressed my whole life. Finally p doc put me on Abilify and gave me a dx of bipolar-depressive.

I can't tell begin to describe how fast my life turned around. antidepressants? I was on them all. Two days into Abilify, I cried with relief. It isn't perfect but 95% beats 10% any day.

Just a thought. I wish you well.

[bigblackdog]

I had a traumatic labor with DS nearly 14 years ago....I can still recount most of it with frightening clarity and therefore I don't talk of it. The only reason I am here is that I was nursing and it was THE ONLY THING NO ONE ELSE COULD DO. I was needed by him. I hope he never knows that he saved his mama as such a wee thing.

Can you have female relatives friends church ladies help with the business of life while you do figure things out. One thing if you're nursing don't let them make you wean for meds....it's another hormonal flux that you don't need....

Really getting just a few minutes to your self can be huge....

I don't know what else to say...I have severe recurrent and my ppd were counted as episodes for recurrent.

[NowhereUSA]

I did reply, but I think it's stuck in moderation (but now I'm past the # being moderated, so if I end up with a double post... oops?).

I used to be like NO on ECT, but I'm pretty desperate to try anything at this point. I have tried mood stabilizers and Abilify only ended up giving me insomnia and high anxiety I've been on, all in all, well over a dozen medications. I end up with "fun" side effects and no benefit.

The thing is, it's not even really recurrent depression. Depressed is my baseline normal and I can get worse, but I can't get better. My best friend says my good days look a lot like her bad days and she's right.

bigblackdog - thanks I ended up having to wean because I had a low supply (he lost weight at his six month visit - significant weight) and the pumping/supplementing was making me worse, not better. It was such a punch in the gut because, like you, I was holding on through the nursing, but when he lost weight, I ended up at a doctor that was really inconsiderate to me (using words like "starving" to describe my child and telling me that our primary doc was probably just trying to pass me off because she didn't want to deal with me - I had no idea, I'd been taking him to his well baby visits - after that I cried for days until I could get to a IBCLC/RN. My regular doc btw was horrified that the other doc had said those things to me).

Once he switched to formula, I actually was able to start going back to regular therapy - I live in the middle of nowhere so everything is a far drive. That's been a benefit even if it isn't a cure. I value my therapist a great deal (because who doesn't love a great therapist LOL).

[bigblackdog]

Pumping is hard, but supplementing is a one-way road to breastfeeding supply line failures, since Bfing is the ultimate supply and demand system. I am so sorry that you had to let that go, because it really is very fulfilling. I hope that you are taking the time to do the extra cuddles, maybe on about the same schedule as the feeds? sounds like you need it, and certainly baby needs it too.

I too had a doctor that was a complete arse, not pedi, but gyn. My pedi was really happy about breastfeeding even when they were trying to find a med I could take. the pdoc was horrid and my pedi when I told him what I was taking was like, great, that's one of the ones that is okay for BFing moms, after pdoc was like you have to wean because nothing is safe--I was like, call LLL's pharmacists and do your research ( I already knew what the answer was). He BF for two years himself, one of the first things he talked about actually with us. DS later wound up with RSV and I got it, the docs were treating him but letting me get sicker and sicker. Finally a doc was like, you've had this cough for 9 months, oh hell no, here's some codeine cough syrup, baby won't get it. All the docs assumed I was nursing a wee one, when by that time he was 15 months. Thank goodness for that doc or things would have gone badly.

A lactation consultant is the best, I wish you'd been able to see them sooner.

I am glad that things are working out for the best though and good luck.

Have you asked them to test you for bipolar? You may have bipolar depression as opposed to unipolar, and the treatment would be different.

[bigblackdog]

a Friend is swearing by magnesium citrate....she's BP1 and on just that and lithium oroate??

You could try it.....

[NowhereUSA]

i've taken a couple of bipolar meds. They tried lithium and lamictal. I see my pdoc in a few weeks. i've asked before about bipolar and no one seems to think i fit the bill so far. i know my pdoc will be doing another intake with me since it's been a couple years since i saw him.

[Fuzzybear]

[glok]

Hello, NowhereUSA. Sorry about your current circumstances. I hope you find a way to work through them.

[newlifeyeah]

they are labeling my case as treatment-resistant now.
I always have this weird thing going on, that I have CFS and depression too. But I don't have the classic viral type of symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but my fatigue is way worse, than the fatigue usually associated with depression.

Please tell me that you guys are fatigued too??
I can only do limited amount of tasks every day, and I get worn out fast, not to mention, that at the starting point I am already fatigued and no energy.

I am now able to walk about 1 km without getting really worn out. but if I do more, I have post exertional malaise. feeling sick and worn out for about 48 hours after exertion.

I am being treated for depression, currently with effexor and xanax (for anxiety).
I've already been on valdoxan, cipralex, rexetin, wellbutrin, selegiline, lamictal, depakene, olanzapine. etc. almost everything. oh also tried some stimulants like ritalin and strattera. oh and I've been on lithium too.

I have mood swings, and mostly I am really hopeless, and depressed. I do have a personality disorder too. They say it's the narcissistic personality disorder.

Whatever. So I do admit I have mental problems too, but the fatigue and inability to work or do sports, or go out to socialize has made my life really-really isolated. What do you guys think? Are my symptoms classical depression symptoms? or am I bipolar? i have had a manic episode a year ago... that was a very severe psychotic mania that required hospitalization.

I really don't know what to do, and I'm desperate to try to get better, so I'm re-starting psychotherapy too, adding to my two group therapies per week, and one consultation with my psychiatrist.

it's hardbecause I feel physically ill from the fatigue. And anxiety and depression and everything.

These days I just try not to think about it. It feels like I can't solve it, so I feel like I've lost the battle, and that's why I just try to live this half-life... going down once or twice for short walks, meeting with friends, trying to meet girls and stuff. but it's very difficult to keep holding on. That's why I like the xanax. it calms me down, and makes me not worry constantly about what the heck is going on with me.

sorry for the rant, I just am not in a mood to make a coherent post. hope everyone's doing fine!

I also feel like I will not commit suicide, but rather I am slowly dying from the inside.

[bigblackdog]

I think it's great that you are able to 1km....I would say keep that up, because the exercise does help to help keep the body working.

I would not worry about doing more, because with the illness, getting stronger and more endurance takes longer.....my improvement on endurance has been slow recovering from a recent string of issues......so keep it up!

[newlifeyeah]

thanks for answering. I'm trying to hold on, but sometimes it's very hard. and it's just so hard to keep living this way.

[Altered Moment]

I also have very treatment resistant depression. Mine is cycling. Been on every anti depressant out there along with mood stabalizers, augmentors, all of it. Years of therapy etc. recently I was put on lamictal and Fetzima, both new to me, and they are working better than anything ever. So I guess my point is after giving up all hope something is actually working. What choice do we have but to keep trying.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[NowhereUSA]

i have fatigue but it's like... i'm tired but i can't sleep. i lay there without motivation. but i have children so they get me up and i move because a baby needs his mother.

i see my pdoc again in a couple weeks. my blood work came back clean - on paper i'm very healthy. just not in my head