[Little Jay]

I’ve thought about suicide today. I tell everyone that I am improving, that the thoughts have gone, but they always sneak back in. I spend a lot of my time feeling empty now, I can just sit and stare into space and feel nothing. I don’t see the point in trying.

My head is all over the place. I just don’t know how I feel right now- a mixture of everything. I spent my morning thinking about suicide, then about getting everything done at work for a couple of months ahead so they don’t lose out in my absence. Then about seeing family and friends, making sure I tell them I love them and give them a big hug. It’s my birthday on Friday so I’ll have an excuse. Then part of me is horrified at myself for thinking like that. I spend my life terrified of losing people and then I think of doing that! I’m so ashamed. Since my cousin died a few months ago I feel such guilt when I think about suicide. We were the same age and he had his life taken away from him, and there I am still thinking about taking mine away even after that, and even after seeing what it put everyone through, it was so horrible. I know how bad it affected me, why would I willingly want to make anyone feel like that!

I don’t like being left on my own, I feel like I need someone constantly with me and to distract me. When I’m stuck on my own inside my head I just get worse. My trouble is that I overthink everything, I overthink what everyone says, I overthink what I say before I even say it. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m having such terrible mood swings. One minute I feel great, the next I want to die. I’m feeling both at the minute if that’s possible. It’s like I still feel hopelessly depressed, but at the same time I feel like I’m running in fast forward and like my energy is back. I hate this mood because it makes me feel like I need to just do something. Being sat here at work makes me so agitated.

[glok]

Hello, Little Jay. Sorry you are experiencing such unsettling thoughts. Have you thought about going to the emergency room? You need help now.

Suicide: Read This First

Please keep on posting so we know how you are doing.

I wish you well.

[Little Jay]

Thank you, I was considering calling the crisis team as I'm now on "their list" so to speak. I am at work at the moment so just trying to get on and see if it passes. Not that I'm getting much done, I've just been thinking. I know I don't want to die, so I don't understand why I get like this or if I'd actually go through with it. I mean I tried in the past but I thought I'd learnt from the mistake. Maybe its my medication, I think maybe I should get in touch just to see if they can speak to me.

[theJword]

Little Jay, your post struck a chord with me.
I've been in the position that you are in, and to some extent I am now, I think that facet of my personality will always be there and I've come to terms with that.

I've made a post about my experiences elsewhere that is awaiting moderation, so I shouldn't cover points made there, but what I can simply say is that in my experience, I usually had feelings similar to yours when I felt like my life was either in a rut or I felt helpless.

It sounds a lot like you're also a hard working type and have done a lot better with the likes of I, as I had to quit working altogether when I started having those problems. Although it must feel emotional and mental flagellation to keep on keeping on like you have been doing, it can eventually lead to the situation you find yourself in at the moment, at least in my opinion.

I consider my viewpoint to be somewhat of an unconventional pragmatism, although in this field of subjective experiences and perspectives, what is conventional!?

For my money, you should think about what dreams or goals you have had in life and start to re-arrange things around achieving those goals. In the short term, encourage yourself to do these things, even if you're bored or they don't appeal in the way they used to. Doing this will help you rediscover those feelings and give you something positive in life that you want to do for you.

Sorry to keep selfishly referring to my own case, but it is where I draw the majority of my experiences; in my case, re-discovering and starting to realise a childhood dream of making a computer game as been my bastion in a sea of vicious and unnecessary existance.

As soft as it sounds, having an ambition has been the most instrumental thing for me and I really hope that you can find something in your life that would make you feel the same way. Not because I like proselytising good feeling and positivity, but rather that I remember the depths that I reached not long ago, vividy, and I would not wish that upon anyone.

If you don't have these things in your life or can't bring yourself to explore them yourself, it is very understandable and is in no way a sign of inadequacy. The first step I would recommend is to talk to your GP and explain the problems you are experiencing. There are multiple psychogenic medications and talking therapies, some more useful than others but all a good and positive step for yourself.

As a new member to this board, it feels terribly cliché to suggest, but I and a great many others are here always to talk through problems and help you feel more positive about general or specific ponints. No pressure though!

Cheers bud

[SoupDragon]

Hi Little Jay. I have those thoughts most days. I try to think of them as a measure of how low I am feeling rather than an intention to hurt myself. But I know for me it can be draining and confusing sometimes. Don't feel guilty for those thoughts, they are just thoughts and we don't always have control over what our brains conjure up for us when times are hard.

I take myself off to Thread Wars, which helps, to distract me (think I saw you there ) Crisis team may be a good option too if things are overwhelming.

Keep safe, the thoughts always do pass.

Soup

[Little Jay]

Thank you,

For once I think I'm glad to be at work, at least I'm sat at my desk and can't do anything stupid and just wait for things to settle.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

...they are just thoughts and we don't always have control over what our brains conjure up for us when times are hard.

How true. Thanks SoupDragon for saying it so well.

In my case, the harder I attempt to suppress those thoughts, the more persistent the thoughts become. For me it's more effective to 'greet' (acknowledge) them and let them fade on their own.

Wishing you peace of mind and heart...

[GenCat]

Are you on anti-depressants and mood medication?

Usually the best thing to do when thinking of suicide it to be around others or at work where you have other responsibilities and let the thoughts slowly leave you. But key is not to let those thoughts come back to you. Do you have coping skills? Do you have a therapist?

I'm here to talk about anything, just message me. I want you safe from yourself.

[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Are you on anti-depressants and mood medication?

Usually the best thing to do when thinking of suicide it to be around others or at work where you have other responsibilities and let the thoughts slowly leave you. But key is not to let those thoughts come back to you. Do you have coping skills? Do you have a therapist?

I'm here to talk about anything, just message me. I want you safe from yourself.

Thank you, yes I am on Effexor, but only been on it for a week. I have been on multiple medications but nothing has worked
I could try and call my pdoc but he's my new one so only seen him a couple of times, I don't really know him yet or feel like he's that bothered.

[glok]

Having your psychiatrist guide you through these troubling times is a plus. Please consider giving him a call.

[GenCat]

So your medicine hasn't had a chance to work yet. Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking with about your thoughts and moods?

[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by GenCat

So your medicine hasn't had a chance to work yet. Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking with about your thoughts and moods?

If anything I feel like it's making me worse And I don't know, I don't like to bother anyone.

[glok]

Little Jay, if you will not be your own best advocate, who will?

[Little Jay]

I suppose you are right. I am going to ring the hospital now and ask to speak to him or a member of the crisis team, and see what they suggest. I just really don't want to be admitted like last time.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

If anything I feel like it's making me worse And I don't know, I don't like to bother anyone.

Its likely the new meds in your body are making you feel different, not exactly worse. Give them time, I know for me my Zoloft took about three weeks. But Risperdal took about two days and I felt better. Some just take longer than others.

I feel like a burden to other too, or that I'm bothering them. But how can we really know someone unless we don't try to get to know them. For me I was so afraid to reach out for help but once I did alot of the people struggled with the exact things I did and they helped me and we grew closer, now I know I can really trust them. Is it worth risking you bothering them over a possible long friendship you might get? You can't live your life by yourself without others help. Sometimes your only choice is to bother people to get help. You need to help you before you can do anything else like be great at your job.

How long have you struggled with suicide and unstable moods?

[kjv2acts]

Take help anywhere you can: here, pdoc, family.

Two things I'd like to say:

Due to early CSA, I have felt suicidal most of my life. I'm a Christian, so I try to make it through each day, because I see death as a blessing. But to cause it myself would devastate a few people. I worry a lot because I fear losing my 70-year-old mom will trigger the worst. I think what I wish for is to be "numb", "calm", "quiet" and less afraid rather than dead. There's the conundrum. Because not feeling is not living.

As to the responsibility of working, I think it really helps. Perhaps my downward spiral began when I married a man who supported me, and my physical and mental health prevented me from working. Then my adult daughters left for college in rapid succession, and that daily responsibility was over, too. I'm not much of a housekeeper, so my responsibility to my husband is really just washing his clothes, cooking (which I really love, and keeping the kitchen and bathrooms clean. Life is a little better since I rescued Tally, a sweet, wonderful Chihuahua who takes up patience and time. My point is obligations help. When I must do something, it's a little less time sitting, worrying.

Having said all that, your mental/physical well-being comes first. Please talk to your pdoc. It's too soon to know how the Effexor will help until there's a therapeutic level in your bloodstream, but I assure you you are no "bother" to a qualified doctor, and you are simply not the first patient to let an expert know that you need relief more quickly. If you need to take time off work for hospitalization or more aggressive therapy, TAKE IT. You're job will be there, or if not, there are other jobs and you are so smart and creative and talented. There are other jobs; there is no other you.

[Little Jay]

"Its likely the new meds in your body are making you feel different, not exactly worse. Give them time, I know for me my Zoloft took about three weeks. But Risperdal took about two days and I felt better. Some just take longer than others."

I think I'm just used to nothing working, so I'm expecting this to be the same.

"I feel like a burden to other too, or that I'm bothering them. But how can we really know someone unless we don't try to get to know them. For me I was so afraid to reach out for help but once I did alot of the people struggled with the exact things I did and they helped me and we grew closer, now I know I can really trust them. Is it worth risking you bothering them over a possible long friendship you might get? You can't live your life by yourself without others help. Sometimes your only choice is to bother people to get help. You need to help you before you can do anything else like be great at your job."

Yes, I know this makes sense. I just seem to never be able to get the words out, or get across what I'm really trying to say. I get shy because I don't really know the people I'm seeing now yet.

"How long have you struggled with suicide and unstable moods?"

I first attempted suicide at 15. But I was depressed for a long time before this. I'm now 19 (well, on Friday) and even though in this time I've had short periods of being OK, they never last long.

[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by kjv2acts

Take help anywhere you can: here, pdoc, family.

Two things I'd like to say:

Due to early CSA, I have felt suicidal most of my life. I'm a Christian, so I try to make it through each day, because I see death as a blessing. But to cause it myself would devastate a few people. I worry a lot because I fear losing my 70-year-old mom will trigger the worst. I think what I wish for is to be "numb", "calm", "quiet" and less afraid rather than dead. There's the conundrum. Because not feeling is not living.

I worry about losing people too. My cousin (we were very close) died at the end of last year and I'm still devastated and now terrified of losing anyone else (it was the first death of a loved one I have ever experienced). I was depressed before this so this just made me hit rock bottom which is why I think I ended up in hospital. I felt guilty for that too - for worrying people, for people thinking I was being dramatic etc.

Originally Posted by kjv2acts

As to the responsibility of working, I think it really helps. Perhaps my downward spiral began when I married a man who supported me, and my physical and mental health prevented me from working. Then my adult daughters left for college in rapid succession, and that daily responsibility was over, too. I'm not much of a housekeeper, so my responsibility to my husband is really just washing his clothes, cooking (which I really love, and keeping the kitchen and bathrooms clean. Life is a little better since I rescued Tally, a sweet, wonderful Chihuahua who takes up patience and time. My point is obligations help. When I must do something, it's a little less time sitting, worrying.

I definitely think routine helps, but when I've lost the ability to care I find it very hard to get things done so I think I get worse because I'll be stressing.

Originally Posted by kjv2acts

Having said all that, your mental/physical well-being comes first. Please talk to your pdoc. It's too soon to know how the Effexor will help until there's a therapeutic level in your bloodstream, but I assure you you are no "bother" to a qualified doctor, and you are simply not the first patient to let an expert know that you need relief more quickly. If you need to take time off work for hospitalization or more aggressive therapy, TAKE IT. You're job will be there, or if not, there are other jobs and you are so smart and creative and talented. There are other jobs; there is no other you.

Thank you so much, you are always there when I need you I guess I'm scared too of losing my job - I have bills to pay, and I've already been in hospital once this year. They were supportive then, but I don't want to push it too far
My partner is unemployed at the minute which is adding extra stress. I just feel like I need a break from my life, but you can't escape yourself and your head can you

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

"Its likely the new meds in your body are making you feel different, not exactly worse. Give them time, I know for me my Zoloft took about three weeks. But Risperdal took about two days and I felt better. Some just take longer than others."

I think I'm just used to nothing working, so I'm expecting this to be the same.

"I feel like a burden to other too, or that I'm bothering them. But how can we really know someone unless we don't try to get to know them. For me I was so afraid to reach out for help but once I did alot of the people struggled with the exact things I did and they helped me and we grew closer, now I know I can really trust them. Is it worth risking you bothering them over a possible long friendship you might get? You can't live your life by yourself without others help. Sometimes your only choice is to bother people to get help. You need to help you before you can do anything else like be great at your job."

Yes, I know this makes sense. I just seem to never be able to get the words out, or get across what I'm really trying to say. I get shy because I don't really know the people I'm seeing now yet.

"How long have you struggled with suicide and unstable moods?"

I first attempted suicide at 15. But I was depressed for a long time before this. I'm now 19 (well, on Friday) and even though in this time I've had short periods of being OK, they never last long.

Well what do you know, I'm also 19, also first attempted at 15, have been depressed longer. Have been struggling since. See, we have things in common because you opened up to me. I also have bills to pay, people to take care of, my life is not really just my own but effects others to.i have lost people most dear to me, actually an anniversary will be Saturday.

I hope you talk with your pdoc and he may give you another med to help. But don't just give up because you think its not working. And besides meds can't do all the work, it takes changing your thought patterns and developing coping skills too.

[kjv2acts]

Jay, Friday is my shopping day so I often get here later or not at all. Let me take this opportunity to say "Happy Birthday". You did it, girl.

Love you.

[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Well what do you know, I'm also 19, also first attempted at 15, have been depressed longer. Have been struggling since. See, we have things in common because you opened up to me. I also have bills to pay, people to take care of, my life is not really just my own but effects others to.i have lost people most dear to me, actually an anniversary will be Saturday.

I hope you talk with your pdoc and he may give you another med to help. But don't just give up because you think its not working. And besides meds can't do all the work, it takes changing your thought patterns and developing coping skills too.

I see you like John Green too, so that's another thing we have in common

I hope Saturday isn't too much of a hard day for you

Thank you so much for being so kind and supportive.

[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by kjv2acts

Jay, Friday is my shopping day so I often get here later or not at all. Let me take this opportunity to say "Happy Birthday". You did it, girl.

Love you.

Aww thank you! sending my love and hugs I'm so glad to have met you, and everyone here!

[GenCat]

[Little Jay]

Okay, I keep dialling the number and chickening out!

[Purplesept2007]

Little jay,
Been in the same place you have and I do know how difficult it is. I think the Crisis team would be an excellent idea. Please keep talking to all of us here. We all come from different walks of life and have many things possibly we could share that may help. If you have a toolbox of coping skills take a look in there and possibly use some of those tools. You can send me a PM anytime if you would like. Take care of yourself and be safe.