[leavehereastranger]

New here. Joined because I am sick to death of never meeting anyone else who will admit to any kind of problems in their lives. Figured the check in post was a good place for a small vent. My depression is slowly killing me, mentally. Each cycle is more vicious than the last; I truly believe I am a mistake. There is no resonance with anyone, little understanding and only continual disappointment. What is the point of living in such a selfish and apathetic world? There will never be anyone to walk alongside me, let alone enough reason for me to shed this insane loneliness and helplessness and help myself.

I am mortified of every day.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, leavehereastranger.

[glok]

The makings of a downward spiral are in place. Must battle it.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by hope2010

Today I couldn't get over of this horrible feeling of sadness. Weekends are not easy for me, still I manage to "Get Rid of the Clutter" in my closet. A lot went to the garbage, Yay!
What bother me is that I knew how to get over the sadness and still catch me ... sighs
It's a heck of a Journey, tomorrow I am going to start my day cleaning non stop, I know that would help me to don't get down again .... big hugs

You almost sounded like me. I couldn't get over sadness and today is Sunday, I still woke up sad. Weekends and mornings are tough on me. Glad you have something to do. I dont have much to do or want to.

[TheOriginalMe]

It is a grey rainy day outside and a grey rainy day inside my head. I hate the little setbacks, each and every time I fear that it is the start of another landslide and even a little fall makes it that bit further to climb back.

[waterknob1234]

Okay day except for fatigue and tooth pain. I am hoping the migraines don't come back. Did not feel good enough to make it to church this morning. I keep holding out hope that one day I am going to feel better.

[birdpumpkin]

Really down today. Yesterday my parents treated me, my husband, and my son to a trip to the Columbus Zoo. It was mostly for my son - we ourselves have no money to do much special, plus I don't drive but locally, and my husband doesn't drive much farther. The county fair is a bore. This was tons better. It's 2+ hours away so took the entire day. I think I was more excited about it than my son because one of my main interests is animals. I couldn't wait!! And it was a great day. Loved seeing all the animals. Except - every single picture but the last I took, of the giraffes, is gone. I have a small Samsung phone that is pretty full picture-wise of pictures I took at a concert last year and don't want to take off for sentimental reasons. So I have space for maybe 2 pictures. So what I did, and have done before, is take the picture, send it to my e-mail, then delete it so I'll have room for the next picture. As luck would have it, not one of my pictures went through. I don't know what's been going on with my phone unless it's the cheaper card I've been getting not allowing various functions because my browser hasn't been working lately, either. But I was so devastated when I checked my e-mail box last night and saw that there were no pictures at all there. Had a huge cry before bed, hardly slept even though I was dead tired, started shaking and just kept wondering why nothing ever works out for me. Why does everything go wrong?? I know this is not a good way to think and I should counter these thoughts, but it really does seem true. I got no souvenirs except a little African doll for a friend (but may keep for myself now) - just had my pictures. Now I suppose all I have are the memories in my head - pretty much like with my life up to the fire. Why does the universe keep taking and taking and taking away from me?? Why can't I have even some zoo pictures?? What is so wrong with that??!! I had some really good ones, too. Bats, lions, jaguars, rhinos, elephants, moose and reindeer, birds, tigers, cheetahs, some adorable precious little monkeys, prairie dogs, all kinds of things. I hadn't been to this zoo in 20-some years since I went, again with my parents, to take my nephews when they were young boys. It's not something we do often. I am just so upset.

[tigerlily84]

It occurred to me yesterday that I need a strategy. My goal is to figure out if I should complete the online grad degree program (which starts at the end of the month), or if I should wait and apply for the spring semester (an on campus program at a different school). I feel like if I don't go back to school now, while I have the courage, then I never will go back. And then of course grad school is expensive, but I still have to find out if they will even accept me. I don't know what I'm going to do for money once my disability is up. Should I go back to work (probably a disaster waiting to happen), or should I find another job (an anxiety attack in the making - trying to look for jobs)? If I go back to work will I simply get sucked back in and become complacent once again? What if a year from now I wind up in the hospital? No, I can't go back there. And if I take another job just to pay the bills, will I fall into the same trap? I was in the exact same boat 5 years ago when I quit my last job and moved back home. I moved in part to help my mom take care of my grandmother, but I had reached my breaking point then too. I would be a fool to make the same mistake again, but here I am. I feel like an idiot, making the same mistakes over and over again.

Worrying about this stuff gives me anxiety. I painted my nails and watched movies all day yesterday to give myself something to do. In a way, I'm glad that I reached my breaking point. I think I needed it. But I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

[glok]

I only know, low and lower.

Not much of a day today. Did not sleep that well last night. I woke up this morning having morbid thoughts. Thinking about that I'm getting old, things are going to happen to me in a bad way, where is my life going, what's going to happen when bad things happen to those that I care about, etc.

Went to another church today instead of the one I've been going to for a while. It was OK. I was thinking about leaving the church that I've been going to for various reasons. The church that I went to today was OK, but I don't know.

Nothing much when I got home. Except to make lunch and a batch of spaghetti sauce that will give me four servings. My back felt better today (yesterday I posted that my back hurt) but there was a time today that I twisted and felt something.

Pretty hot outside. Like I've mentioned, I don't like this time of year. Feel tired today. It's pretty hard to have windows open and having to hear squealing, barking dogs. Oh, last night at where I live, the pool area was locked up. I don't know why. There was no note explaining. That was stupid! The place I live at can do some stupid things sometimes and I'm not crazy about the residents. That's why I want to move.

[hope156]

Worried. Too complicated to explain.

[Rose76]

I'm feeling "caregiver burn out." I'm down. I hope this passes. Sometimes you have to pick from among not very good options.

[regretful]

I'm a miserable person; I feel like an abject failure. I'm stuck in a business that I don't enjoy with no hope of exiting it any time soon. It multiplies my depression times 100...the difficult part...the really difficult part, is knowing that I caused all of this with my bad decisions.

[tigerlily84]

My PCP will not sign me off work because "only a psychiatrist can do that." She kept talking about writing out a list of the things I am grateful for, like that will solve my depression and anxiety. I called the therapist and left a message for him, but I'm not sure what good it will do. Feeling pretty demoralized.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

My PCP will not sign me off work because "only a psychiatrist can do that." She kept talking about writing out a list of the things I am grateful for, like that will solve my depression and anxiety. I called the therapist and left a message for him, but I'm not sure what good it will do. Feeling pretty demoralized.

Sure is a nice suggestion; I got the same suggestion from folks just before I went into the hospital last December...Keep holding on; I'm doing the same because I'm very demoralized too...I keep muttering to myself, "I can't believe that this is really my life..."...

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm not shaking this downswing. I'm doing what I can, keeping busy, eating healthily, getting fresh air. But all the time is this "Nag, nag, nag.......what do you expect......get over it or get used to it.......nag, nag, nag" voice playing over and over.

[Bark]

Been doing pretty well moodwise. Can't say the situation is great though: financially, medically (aunt has acute cancer), family-wise (too many problems to count)... I wish everything would just get better. I hate to see people suffering around me. I'm kind of surprised I'm holding up after one setback after another.

[glok]

Down >>>>>>>>>>>>

[waterknob1234]

Tired of migraine headaches everyday although with an increase in medication from my doctor they are not as severe and they do not last as long. The only problem is the medication is making me nauseated, dopey, and causing a ringing in my ears. I also think the medicine might be decreasing my cognitive brain functioning. My coworkers are noticing this. This is all a balancing act. I do not want to live with constant pain. I also cannot afford to be a disability case. The depression is actually easing up a bit. I think I am perhaps too dopey or just too wore out to care anymore. If people want to get nasty at work so be it. It just doesn't matter to me anymore. I think I actually handled a tricky situation with grace today.

[hopelovely]

not really having a great day. I went for a run for the first time in like 2 years but I find myself sitting here bawling uncontrollably. Of course no one's there for me, so its just me and my laptop. No meds to keep me under control

[glok]

Ups and downs. Yup.

[regretful]

Still neck deep in depression...it doesn't seem to be getting much better. Oddly, had a couple of people reach out to me in the wake of the tragedy with Robin Williams.

[birdpumpkin]

My mom is feeling a pain in her ankle in the same leg she had operated on in May. My dad is saying it's a clot, and it's worrying me. My husband is always complaining about this or that hurting. He's going to be having some projects going on at work so probably won't call during the day, may be late, which makes me anxious. My son starts school Thursday, so I'm facing long days of loneliness again. Have had a headache for 4 days. Just not in a great place right now. PMS making me weepy about everything. I was feeling good for maybe a week or so but am back in the same place again. I don't like it here.

[MotherMarcus]

Absolutely heartbroken over Robin Williams. The man was a whirlwind of comedy and drama.

[jsa044]

I'm new to this group. This is my first post. I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I take anti-depressant meds for it and see a therapist. Both are helping. I'm doing ok right now but still have many issues that I am tying to sort out.