[flours]

life is just shxt.
I can't stand this anymore. I can't even stand just sitting on my sofa. it's so painful I don't get why I'm still alive.
each time I succeed with something or think I'm doing better something happens to destroy it all.
I can't take this anymore.

been crying since I got up and this isn't getting any better.
just want to make it stop!

trying to hold my breath but it doesn't work. I can't calm down. I can't breath-

[glok]

Hello, flours. Please get help.

[Idiot17]

(((((Flours))))) hang in with us. The pain will ease and it will go just like it came.
How about trying to take a walk or listen to some calming music?
Good luck.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( flours )))))))

[Clara22]

(((((( Flours ))))))

[Frankbtl]

Hi flours, sometimes there's not much more you can do than to cry, let it out and ride out the feelings as best you can, after you're tried everything else. It can sometimes help to talk though, and you know we're here for you/with you.........you're not alone
But can I just ask you about this bit "each time I succeed with something or think I'm doing better something happens to destroy it all", I know I may be wrong, but has anything happened recently to make you feel this way?

Alison

[Rose of Sharon]

"When the shore is won at last, who will count the billows past?"

Take one breath at a time in this upward climb. You are very courageous to have come this far and we are confident you will push beyond the darkness and anguish.
Blessings on you my friend!

[flours]

thanks for all the support!!

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

has anything happened recently to make you feel this way?

um, there is a stressor here. a noise problem. woke me up after three hours of sleep. (earplugs don't work) and it'll be back tomorrow. and the day after that, and the day after that…
only calmed down when it stopped hours later. and it'll be the same tomorrow…
nothing new but today particularly hard to deal with.

had some stressful days and been facing some ugly truths that occupy my mind. sort of too much everything. confused.

[Frankbtl]

Hi flours, I'm sorry, it must seem like everything is piling up on top of you (??) with no respite, hey?
But the lack of sleep in itself can't be helping. Is there anyone you could stay with for a few days or could you try to temporarily change your sleep pattern so as you're going to bed earlier and then not missing out on as much sleep?
And in between maybe try some headphones to block out the noise? Even music (something you have control over) might be better than the noise?
But these ugly truths.........are they really as ugly or as true as they're feeling, right now?? Or should I say, do they have to be as ugly or as true as they're feeling, right now??
Or even do you think that they need to be like that forever...........time/distance can sometimes change things.

Alison

[jazzbella18]

Hang in there Flours.

[flours]

Hi Alison,
thank you for your reply.
I just came back home yesterday. now and again I need to stay here. but I'm already thinking about leaving again. if I am away all the time this is causing other problems. don't know what's better.
I try to get more sleep. sometimes I don't wake up because of noise. I hope tomorrow I will sleep longer because it was so little today. thanks for reminding. I forget more often now that a lack of sleep makes me nervous because I always have a lack of sleep recently.
at the moment I am very sensitive and especially noise is stressful to me. sometimes I turn on the TV because it distracts me but it's not always enough.
the ugly truth I rather pretend not to know- it is about how I feel about my possible future and what that will be. sure emotions can change but I don't know how chances are these are going to change. have been there before depression. can't run away forever. but now I just can't stand all this.
these things make me break down each time I get in touch with them.

[Frankbtl]

Hi flours, the ugly truth being about your future...............well it isn't a truth if it hasn't happened yet
I know I can't say that the depression will be gone in one month, two months...........and then you'll be well on your way up, because we know it doesn't just happen like that. It can take time, it might not be easy, it can be a bumpy road..........but that doesn't mean to say that this has to be/dictate the future.
It might feel like that now, because sometimes depression can make you feel like there's no way out, but that doesn't make it true. And you are starting to see a T aren't you, that has to be a step forward.
And just as I can't say that the depression will never come back afterwards, at least you're going to be harnessing more coping skills to give you more of a chance to have it on the run in the future.
So let's have a think about the maybe's of some other possible futures, hey??
But without forgetting "today" because "today"/the here and now is where you're making sure you get/keep pushing for the help that's going to be helping you along the way.
Today is just as important!! The here and now is what matters right now.



Alison

[waterknob1234]

Lack of sleep probably makes things feel worse. Hang in there. We are with you.

[flours]

got good sleep this time. noise is there but doesn't make me cry right now...

focusing on the present is all I want. don't know how much more I can delay making decisions though.
have trouble picturing a future that seems worth working for. in the past I never knew such trouble.

sorry for attention-seeking panicky posts all the time… just don't know anything else to do when it happens. guess it's better than doing stupid things.

[Creative1onder]

Lack of sleep can be part of illness. It is difficult to sleep when you have a lot going on in your mind affecting you.

[flours]

next bad news. will have to do a task including both lot's of paperwork and exhausting physical work as soon as possible, it's urgent. of course without help. probably taking a couple of days. hard to explain what it is about. but can't delay or not do.
why can these things not at least stop for one week? after working hard for years without an entire week of holidays I get punished with depression and of course: no holidays.
why can I not at least then be one of these pretty girls who always get help by men if they have to carry heavy stuff???

stressed!!!

[Clara22]

Hi Flours,
A couple of years ago I was overwhelmed by work. It was a time full of assignments and I had some responsibilities in a tiny but very busy team. I felt I could not stop to care of myself. Then I got very sick and one of the doctors suggested a treatment that would require being 3 months without working. I said no to his assistant then he came to my hospital room and yelled at me. I did the treatment. I stop working for 3 months, and nobody died. Before making the decision I was convinced I could not stop working, but I did. I am not sure, perhaps you can stop doing some stuff and take more time for yourself, perhaps looking for a different type of treatment. I am not sure, I am telling you this in case it is useful somehow.
I am sending you a big hug

[Frankbtl]

Hi flours,
Firstly......."sorry for attention-seeking panicky posts all the time… "
No need whatsoever for an apology, if you're hurting.......looking for understanding/help/support that is not "attention seeking" as far as I'm concerned. It's real for you, then it's real and it matters!!!

Anyway, glad you got some sleep
And you know for now, you can concentrate on the present. In fact it's probably going to be a much better time to think about the future when you're beginning to feel better. Thar's probably when you're going to be able to make better choices for you/yourself.
And as for delaying decisions well........what's the rush?? People 30...40....45.....older (!!) can still make life changing decisions/moves e.g. going back to college, starting new careers, starting a family............so plenty of time yet, hey?
And the task you have to do............do you really have to do it? Do you have to do it so soon? Or is there anyone who can help you with it?
Then maybe at least the physical aspect could help a little with how you're feeling?? Try to take it at your own pace though.
And........."why can I not at least then be one of these pretty girls who always get help by men if they have to carry heavy stuff???", that would kind of have it's disadvantages as well, don't you think???
And that's not agreeing with you if you're thinking you're not pretty!! "Look's" can be very subjective!!



Alison

[flours]

other thing happened. I talked to my parents on the phone when I wasn't in good condition. this caused them to drive all the way and pick me up to come back to their home because they said they were afraid to leave me alone in my apartment.
want to leave again soon because I cannot take care of my business here.

what I was talking about before. have to do stuff to get documents I need for further support, stuff, whatever. of course I can cancel. but then I will not have money to live and no insurance. sounds a bit obscure, I know. authorities are obscure.

can barely live on my own but still have to do this shxt!!!

[Clara22]

Could your parents help you with money?

[waterknob1234]

Sounds like you are going thru such a rough time. I understand. Don't apologize for posting a lot. That's what we are here for, to lean on each other. If we can't support each other, who will. I agree with Frankbtl. Slow down and think about each item, one step at a time. Wait until things calm down to think about the big "future". Your parents probably worry because they love you. The other day I was so wishing I could take some time off to heal physically and emotionally. I am working 50 hours a week and supporting myself and three other adults. I am getting weary. I know how you feel. Hope things calm down and work out better for you and you get some peace.

[flours]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi flours,
No need whatsoever for an apology, if you're hurting.......looking for understanding/help/support that is not "attention seeking" as far as I'm concerned. It's real for you, then it's real and it matters!!!

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

In fact it's probably going to be a much better time to think about the future when you're beginning to feel better. Thar's probably when you're going to be able to make better choices for you/yourself.

............so plenty of time yet, hey?

thanks for telling me. I wish I could somehow internalize this.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

And the task you have to do............do you really have to do it? Do you have to do it so soon? Or is there anyone who can help you with it?

I will try to get more time. I could use help but cannot think of anyone to ask right now. (I do not have huge issues with my looks but I think I don't attract lots of people to offer their help.)

[flours]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Slow down and think about each item, one step at a time. Wait until things calm down to think about the big "future".

yeah, I wish.

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

I am working 50 hours a week and supporting myself and three other adults. I am getting weary.

[flours]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Could your parents help you with money?

I already feel so bad about them helping me now. I should be able to get on on my own.

[Clara22]

I think they love you and appreciate you give them the opportunity to help you. I was told that it is easier giving than receiving and that I have a hard time being helped.