[flours]

... yeah, better don't read this if you already think I am too pathetic....

I guess I had recovered from my last low a bit during the last few days. If it wasn't myself who is experiencing this I'd say this was being childish, the way I change from fine to horrible within few hours. and I wouldn't take these feelings seriously. but they are. they are very serious.
this can't be normal…

spend a good day yesterday, I even did some exercise and enjoyed it. I think I was being normal and not depressed. I made plans for the future (!!!!). tried to arrange a trip to another city for a couple of days.
spent some time on online dating where I found somebody who I was interested in. like really, really interested. (I know, my bad....) that actually never happened before and I was excited. I think that's how I got my energy yesterday and the day before. actually I feel ashamed to admit that I didn't have any feeling like that for a couple of years. nothing. just nothing at all.
and I honestly don't think it was a very good idea to even consider. but it helped me and lifted my mood.
but as you may have expected by now after I thought about this for a day and tried to carefully pick the right words to send a message I was being ignored. I am being silly to feel like sliding into the next deep low because of such a trivial thing but it's happening. I just wonder if it would have happened anyway.
I am doomed.
there is no happiness for me. not even the tiniest illusion of light at the end of the tunnel. not even the illusion wants to stay longer than half a day. there is no hope and no future.
my reason tells me that I am being depressed and this is what I am thinking because of that. but it also isn't stupid and knows from experiences -so this is kind of scientific- that nothing that resembles any positive perspective is going to happen to me because it hasn't for a long time. so that is very unlikely. scientifically. this is reasonable. why would that change now, just because I need it emotionally? -silly. I just make it up because I wish for it so badly. unfortunately I cannot live in my imaginary world. if I could I would choose delusion or what's it called? -optimism bias?
-but choosing is for the rich and popular...

I feel ashamed because I am hurting because I only considered the mere possibility that my life could change finding one single positive thing and expecting it to stay. stupid me. why would I tell anybody? -because I cannot stand living with myself. horrid. I want to kill that old *****!

[Travelinglady]

It sounds like you are due for some good luck. I think you are right that the negativity is your depression talking. Try to keep trying. What you did yesterday was great. You can't get ahead if you don't try. And eventually something good will happen. I hang on to hope, and I encourage you to do do, too.

[flours]

I don't know.... all the time I try to distract myself so I get better. but everything I used for that has gotten a negative label at some point and started making me feel worse. so right now I don't know anything to do at all because it is all triggering. it's impossible to live like this. every activity I can think of makes me sad for some individual reason.

I cannot deal with any more rejection and disappointment. but life is full of it and I cannot handle.

[Clara22]

Hi Flours,
Thanks a lot for sharing. The only thing I could say is that I do not believe in that there is an order of things where each time somebody tries something new or experience some happiness or joy, this person will experience disappointment or something bad later. I just cannot believe in that regularity of things, like a Murphy law or something like that. I do not believe in destiny. I do believe we are depressed and that we attribute some meanings to events according to our depression.
In addition, I do not think your experience of these last days is superfluous or silly. Perhaps you are too tough to yourself

[flours]

thanks Clara,

I don't believe in such a thing either. I just know that I am unlucky. and it seems to be somewhat independent from my depression although of course it is difficult to know that. I am just saying that because I felt that way before I was depressed. I don't even necessarily think that it is fate or whatever rather than some wrong behavior by myself. when I (ever) talk to other people I usually feel like I am the optimistic one. even now!!! I have had lots of conversations when I was the one saying 'yeah, I think things are possible, even if we don't know yet how' or 'what I already have is actually valuable and good' and stuff like that and the others would be looking down on me, tell me why things are impossible and bad and mock my silly naivety or think I was simply crazy to believe in anything good.
happening all of the time… so how come I shouldn't have a realistic idea about what good things are likely to happen if I try- based on the experience of the last couple of years?
I'm stuck. and I have been stuck a long time before depression came. I think it partly came because of being stuck because it creates a lot of frustration in me and still for a long time I had the will to get up and try again. now is the first time I consider this to be useless. how many attempts do you need to fail to realize what you do isn't working and never will?
how many times do I need to try eating soup with a knife before I realize I am doing something wrong?
I feel I have been wrong all of the time to try and the people mocking me were right in doing so.

it is even possible that I am optimistic about the world and humanity and all the other people but when I am true to myself I cannot imagine my hopes for myself to come true because it seems just so unlikely.

please don't get this as being cynical or aggressive. I am very fond of your answers, I really must say. what I am writing is just how I feel and I cannot find any nicer words to describe that.

[Clara22]

Hi
I can identify myself with what you said about being optimistic about other people but not about myself. It happens to me sometimes.
But, what about circumstances and other factors independent from you? aren't they having some influence in how things turn out? I mean, things that are not under your control

[flours]

definitely something to think about...

there is not much I could complain about from circumstances…
I live in a rich and peaceful country, have a nice family, got somewhat good education, I look okay, I'm sort of healthy I guess, … well, I wouldn't exactly choose to be a girl if I had the power but that's a minor issue. I could potentially see other people because they do not explicitly or politically ban me.

hard to tell which of the other circumstances I don't consider perfect I am able to change by my behavior. I think a lot of them. (we're getting into some sort of ideological dilemma here where optimism can lead to depression…) so if there is something wrong with that it's because I did or didn't do something that causes it to be this way.
I'm having a hard time trying to find the mistakes I am making, though. that's one reason I am writing so much because if there is any chance somebody else can see some mistake that I just don't realize I would like to know.
I could accept that all of my unhappiness is caused by a disease but it's not because it already started earlier...

[flours]

well, I've found one… (it's tough to accept this as negative circumstances, though. but I'll give it a try!)

everybody when choosing what to do with their life takes a look at their skills, gifts and interests. so, I should be lucky because I do have some of them which are kind of obvious but it makes my life very awkward: they are of no use to society (right now).
now I would feel stupid not trying to use them at all. because let's say I start over I would again take a step back and think about what I can do well and what I enjoy doing and at least consider it a part of my decision concerning an occupation. it necessarily puts me into some sort of a difficult position. that's where I am right now and struggling with it. if I could do everything equally well I would have less trouble I guess…or I wouldn't feel bad about doing something that I cannot do very well.

this is completely arrogant, I know… I'm sorry.

there is a psychological effect that causes you to feel worse if you didn't get something you wanted but almost did than if you were miles away from getting it. maybe you can compare that somehow.

another one exactly as arrogant and I also apologize:
I think I am an interesting, clever and friendly person and I look good. but I cannot get a date, never. proven.
this is much worse than knowing that there is a good reason why people stay away like being smelly or rude.

both are sort of Kafkaesque.

sorry again for being so arrogant and ungrateful...

[Fuzzybear]

[Clara22]

Sorry to ask this pedestrian question: is your work environment/career one of those typically full of women? ( such as teaching)

[flours]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Sorry to ask this pedestrian question: is your work environment/career one of those typically full of women? ( such as teaching)

No, why are you asking? I think there are more men or at least more successful men than women.

[Idiot17]

(((((Flours)))))

[Clara22]

Because it is a fact that as a woman it is more difficult to get a date in an environment full of women. I know, this is not evidence based info, it came from conversations with "expert" friends of mine. ;-) I am talking by ear here. I know some women who explored unimaginable areas and places to get a guy and they did. Particularly one went to work to a part of my country that has more men alone, so they are more prone to date and commit, she said. She considered herself unlucky until she moved there. I do not want to disclose her previous misfortune but really she had not done well in the dating area when she lived in my city. Oh, also she moved to get better job prospects (what she did, btw) of course, I do not know statistics about cases like that

[waterknob1234]

It hurts so bad when you think you may have a chance at something, such as a date with a really neat guy you have met online, and then it doesn't come to pass. It hurts. I have had stuff like this happen to me quite frequently, like getting passed up for jobs, and all sorts of stuff. The depression will make you just want to give up and make you feel like life is not even worth living. But we have to keep trying and hold on to hope. Hugs to a fine lady who is hurting.

[flours]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Particularly one went to work to a part of my country that has more men alone, so they are more prone to date and commit, she said. She considered herself unlucky until she moved there.

… um, I don't know such a place. but I know economy is stronger in my town than other places. so for jobs it's probably better to stay here.
well, let's say what I studied is attracting lots of women if you're a guy… so I guess they had better options. shame this sort of thing doesn't work for women, too!

[Clara22]

Sorry to insist with superficial ideas, what about a hobby? I mean, if you are looking to be more dedicated to dating possibilities, please, do not take this comment into account if it is not useful for you

[flours]

that's a difficult one…
yes, right. during the last (10?) years I have done many things. I was really busy all the time. that included mostly work-related things but also many like these. I really have acted out many interests.
as for now, … I am mostly glad right now if I don't need to do so much. If I start doing something it should first be finding an job I guess…
I was at a concert last weekend. and I really liked that. maybe I should do that again. did that more often in the past but then they closed down some nice places I used to go. they were small ones where I felt at home. I don't like big events because of the crowds. but I think for music I wouldn't find anything I'm that interested in in a big place anyway.
so if I want to start something I would probably try to find new little places to go for music. but it will take some research and I might end up not finding anything or it is also very likely that I am too coward to go in if I don't know anybody.


oh, **** it!
why should i do that? its useless.

[flours]

I wish I could just end it.
i'm just like moldy bread. you don't cover it with fresh fancy stuff because it's not going to help. you just throw it away.

[flours]

woke up this morning very very very confused.
I skipped breakfast and I can't remember ever doing that in my entire life.

I'm nervous. not necessarily bad. but so nervous I can't sit. and I am dizzy and loose track of my thoughts every 10 seconds. I want to do something, then I don't want to do something, then I want to do something else...

how can I get less nervous?
-this is annoying.

I feel like I want to do something but cannot concentrate and also feel too tired just before getting up and actually act. weird.

I really cannot control this.

thanks guys for sticking with me despite many unsocial mood swings...

[flours]

I guess drinking would help but it's sort of 1pm and I don't think this is a good idea to get drunk at such a time of the day and for such kind of reason. um,... maybe eat some chocolate and paint something in my apartment....
(seriously losing it...)

[Clara22]

Sometimes herbal teas help me, I get anxious often

[flours]

sorry to hear that. anxiety is so horrible.

do you have any other strategies to deal with it?

mine are really poor:
I painted a gas pipe. now it looks new. and I had some coffee which is obviously the opposite of what I should do but it was the only thing I could imagine to ingest. also I didn't have tea.

I guess I should use an agitated phase to get things done. but I am already getting tired. so this is what I chose to spend my time on. great.

you must think I have nothing to do all day…. I feel guilty…
truth is I should be doing completely different things and I just don't want to because it hurts.
useless things are less painful. but can't think of anything right now. been staring at a banana on my table for about 5 hours but can't decide to eat it.

sometimes I think if my mood is changing so quickly and extremely it was a sign I was getting better. but I'm not so sure… I feel very silly because of that.