Mourning for a life I don't have

I've wanted to get pregnant for a while now. The husband and I have been trying and I went a little neurotic with cutting out caffeine, eating better etc. I've had conflicting dr reports in the past so we had assumed id be the problem if we had difficult conceiving. Turns out his count is low, and we found this out after months of trying and me blaming myself. I've been living my life in 2 week increments for almost a year now and I don't even know what I want anymore. I saw an old episode of HIMYM today - the one where Lily was giving birth and I actually started crying.

For months I've been imagining the best ways to tell people I was pregnant, I've been thinking about showers and thinking that's id be pregnant or ready to pop for my 30th ( in dec) and now I don't even know if I'll be pregnant. A friend gor married last week and when he told me in January abt the wedding, I imagined the pic we'd take... Me him and another school friend and id have a big belly about to pop. But now people are posting back to school pics of their kids and I'm just here wondering whether I should drink a beer or some coffee.

I can easily sense the hopelessness you're putting out there. You mentioned spending a large amount of time blaming yourself, but then finding out it may be his low count. When did you find that out? Is anything being suggested for his low count?

But not only that, this also reveals that you've been beating yourself up over something you can't control. You're holding yourself up to expectations that you can't achieve for unknown reasons. It's not your fault is you're having difficulty conceiving. It's not his fault either. It's no one's fault. But you still have options of what you want to do next.

I know it's not easy, but try to stay focused on what you CAN control, rather than comparing yourself to everyone else who has children. Comparing ourselves is a way for us to beat ourselves up and tell ourselves "Why aren't you any better?" You deserve much better than those negative messages! You're trying to bring life into the world, and there's nothing wrong with you for wanting that.

I feel for you. It sucks to have medical complications interfere with conceiving, but until they tell you there's no chance of having a child, do not give up hope! Hope is so powerful, it can easily get you through these trying times. Hold on to any hope you can like it will save your life, because it likely will.

Thanks. Your words brought tears to my eyes. He's been on tablets to improve his count, but I feel so hopeless. I've been blaming myself for months and I hate to say it but I feel betrayed that I've been suffering alone for so long. I've felt broken. And I know people have tried much longer than I have and that people go through worse every day. But it's hard to stay positive. In our society the second people see you they have to ask abt kids. I feel like I have a light side and a dark side and once I had kids, I'd have someone to pour my love into. And I don't. And I feel the dark side creeping up and once that happens I can't stop it. My dark side really means a lot of clubbing and drinking, and I had said goodbye to all of that when I got married. 4 years later and I feel unfulfilled. I am beating myself up that we didn't start trying earlier.

i'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time dealing with this whole process of conceiving. it can be very difficult, but try to enjoy your life with the hubby AS you're trying to conceive because once you have a little one, it's totally different. I know this is easier said than done. my husband and I tried for some time, then I finally became pregnant. during that pregnancy, I was stressed about every little thing, it wasn't a good time in my life, and it turned out that we lost that baby after 9 weeks. I believe everything happens for a reason, and though I was crushed, I now look back and realize it may not have been the best time for us. i'm sure you've tried many methods to conceive, but I just thought i'd share mine with you as we finally have a happy, healthy beautiful baby girl now. i'm no professional so you may want to check with a doctor before trying any of these: take pre-natal vitamins with folic acid, use "pre-seed" (lubricant that doesn't kill his swimmers and may help them get to their destination better), and an inversion table (not recommended if you have a bad back). the inversion table is something we bought for about $150, and I would get on that hoping gravity may help his swimmers. we used all of these methods and I feel like it definitely worked. I hope everything works out for you two and that you can welcome a healthy happy baby soon!

Yes, and what sike! said reminded me of something else as well. Take as good care of yourself as you can. Stress, depression, things like that can all affect the ability to conceive, as well as the health of the baby when you DO conceive! That makes it all the more important to make sure you don't beat yourself up, that you take time to relax and deal with the stress that's built up, and especially to find ways to let this trying time draw you and your husband closer together rather than farther apart.

My heart goes out to you. Don't be so hard on yourself or your husband. It's not your fault or his fault. It is a hurtful painful thing in the heart when you want a child and it's just not happening. Everything will come in its time for a reason. My parents had the same problem. They could not conceive a child and back in the 1950's and 1960's they did not have the medical advances they have today for infertility. My parents applied to an adoption agency and did a lot of praying. They ended up adopting first my older brother, then me in 1962. They were the best parents I could have ever asked for in the whole world. I miss them dearly. Mother passed away in 2009 and daddy passed away in 2010. They were very old and sickly by that time. Adoption may not be something you want to consider at this point, but it is always an option as well. Much love to you and best of wishes.

I think the child thing is always harder on the woman than the man. You DO see baby stuff everywhere.
We tried one full year before our first child. Four months for our second. Our third was the first month. You just never know.
(And I hated pregnancy too. I was ultra depressed but could not take any meds because the doc was concerned about the babies. This was 20 years ago.)

I'm sorry to hear about you not having a child. I don't know if I would be of any help for you on this. Well at least the others so far have given you great replies, I think. But with me, I have mourned a life that I don't have. I never got married and it's been a very long time since I had a good relationship. For a long time and up to now, it does not look good for me to ever have someone. But lately I have adjusted to it. It's like I've accepted it but I don't like it.

At least you have a husband. I assume that you love him and he loves you. That's more going for you than what quite a few other people (including me) can say for themselves. I'm sorry, I don't mean to hijack this thread.

At least, according to your age, you would still have plenty of time to have a child of your own. I've known lots of women that just got married that were older than you and had children. And I have known women who wanted to conceive and couldn't, but then later on, a miracle would happen. One woman that I knew of wanted to have a child and for a while she couldn't. She did just about everything she could do to make it happen. Then one day she met an old woman at her church, and the old woman gave her some "words of wisdom" about the situation. The woman trying to get pregnant took the old woman's advice and she ended up with two children! So maybe this could be something you could look into for yourself.

Thanks guys for your kind words. Im sorry I'm Replying so late but I didn't get the notifications that there were comments on this thread. I need to check my settings. But than you for the tips and sharing your stories. I'm ovulating right now and although we have been trying, I just feel like my heart isn't in it anymore. Or in anything. I feel bitter and I've taken to cracking jokes and beig self deprecating about whether we'll ever have a child. I don't even know what's best anymore.